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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 7:33:49 GMT -5
I guess I don't get what I'm supposed to do here. According to the divorce decree, I need to give him reasonable parenting time which is to be supervised and a lot of people said that one weeknight and one weekend afternoon were not out of line? I document every single visit so I can give it to a judge if he says I'm keeping his son from him. Where are your other kids while you are having to attend the supervised visits? Depending on how bad ex's behavior was, 2 hours on a weekday evening might be considered reasonable. Hard to say for anyone that was not in the court and does not know the judge's expectations. What is very unusual is that you are having to provide the supervision for the visits. It is generally a bad idea and causes a ready made conflict point that can easily erupt. I only have one other son and he's 12. He's involved in a lot of activities, and is with his Dad a lot, plus he's old enough to be home alone, so during the school year he rides the bus home while younger son and I are still in town. Often I would do the visits after work and before heading home.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 11, 2014 7:50:39 GMT -5
Agreed. If he really wants to make changes, this will give him the opportunity to rebuild his confidence and reset his moral compass. It will also allow him to start paying for a supervisor during his visitations with his son. There are no more excuses for him not to do that. Exactly. If he wants to see his son, he gets to pay someone to supervise him now. That will take some of the stress of that off of you too.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:02:01 GMT -5
Keep in mind, in our county (maybe it's a state thing), you can't force one parent to pay the supervision fee. Each has to pay half. Plus, and this is me just trying to get in his head, but making him pay just seems like it would encourage him to fight the supervised even more.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jul 11, 2014 8:12:12 GMT -5
Keep in mind, in our county (maybe it's a state thing), you can't force one parent to pay the supervision fee. Each has to pay half. Plus, and this is me just trying to get in his head, but making him pay just seems like it would encourage him to fight the supervised even more. Let him! First, he has done nothing to show that unsupervised is warranted, second, he cannot adhere to basic legal processes like serving the other party, and finally, if he's working full-time day shift, he's not going to have that kind of time anymore.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 11, 2014 8:15:33 GMT -5
He could very easily pay FOR you, MPL. Just as you've helped him, he could help you. If money is going to rile him up, what's more important to him - his son, or his money? The court has ordered supervised visitation because of his behaviors, not yours. Maybe, he needs to take a good look at himself before he gripes about anything. Now, if the court decides to grant reasonable child support when the time comes in August, you might be able to actually afford your half. Now, it's a real hardship on you. It's time this guy starts to pay the piper for the decisions he, and he alone, had made.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:22:18 GMT -5
He could very easily pay FOR you, MPL. Just as you've helped him, he could help you. If money is going to rile him up, what's more important to him - his son, or his money? The court has ordered supervised visitation because of his behaviors, not yours. Maybe, he needs to take a good look at himself before he gripes about anything. Now, if the court decides to grant reasonable child support when the time comes in August, you might be able to actually afford your half. Now, it's a real hardship on you. It's time this guy starts to pay the piper for the decisions he, and he alone, had made. I don't know. How much trouble would I be in if he brought up in court that I was forcing him to slip me my half of the visitation fee under the table? Plus a judge didn't decide on the supervised visitation. We just both agreed to in in the divorce decree (at the time he was in jail) and it never went to court. The judge doesn't want to decide child support either. She basically told us to work something out between us before August or we'll both feel like we were screwed over.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:23:28 GMT -5
Does he have a job yet?
Can he pay you child support without a job?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:25:03 GMT -5
Does he have a job yet? Can he pay you child support without a job? He just got a really good job yesterday making nearly 50K/year. I make 33K. He has been paying child support the past 3 months with money from his 401K.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 11, 2014 8:26:43 GMT -5
He could very easily pay FOR you, MPL. Just as you've helped him, he could help you. If money is going to rile him up, what's more important to him - his son, or his money? The court has ordered supervised visitation because of his behaviors, not yours. Maybe, he needs to take a good look at himself before he gripes about anything. Now, if the court decides to grant reasonable child support when the time comes in August, you might be able to actually afford your half. Now, it's a real hardship on you. It's time this guy starts to pay the piper for the decisions he, and he alone, had made. I don't know. How much trouble would I be in if he brought up in court that I was forcing him to slip me my half of the visitation fee under the table? Plus a judge didn't decide on the supervised visitation. We just both agreed to in in the divorce decree (at the time he was in jail) and it never went to court. The judge doesn't want to decide child support either. She basically told us to work something out between us before August or we'll both feel like we were screwed over. You're not forcing him to slip you anything. You're asking him to help you out on 1 financial matter, which will be lifted once the regular child support comes in faithfully every month.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 11, 2014 8:26:57 GMT -5
He could very easily pay FOR you, MPL. Just as you've helped him, he could help you. If money is going to rile him up, what's more important to him - his son, or his money? The court has ordered supervised visitation because of his behaviors, not yours. Maybe, he needs to take a good look at himself before he gripes about anything. Now, if the court decides to grant reasonable child support when the time comes in August, you might be able to actually afford your half. Now, it's a real hardship on you. It's time this guy starts to pay the piper for the decisions he, and he alone, had made. I don't know. How much trouble would I be in if he brought up in court that I was forcing him to slip me my half of the visitation fee under the table? Plus a judge didn't decide on the supervised visitation. We just both agreed to in in the divorce decree (at the time he was in jail) and it never went to court. The judge doesn't want to decide child support either. She basically told us to work something out between us before August or we'll both feel like we were screwed over. I didn't say anything about forcing him. What I said was: He needs to think about what he, himself, has done to get himself into this position and start trying to do things because they're the right thing to do, not because they're what he WANTS to do. I'd forgotten the divorce decree never went to court and that's why you've got the mess you have now. What has he said about child support? What's he looking to pay?
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 11, 2014 8:28:22 GMT -5
Ok back up and tell me again please. Oh and you don't have to if you have said it before, I just can't find it except I think the visits were $35. How much is the fee for supervised visits? How many visits does this fee cover? How long are the visits? Can you set the schedule for the visits? Didn't he take a job out of state? Won't this cut down on the after work visits and maybe limit them to Saturday and/or Sunday?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:30:41 GMT -5
He wants to pay $500/month plus take on the insurance. I don't want him to have the insurance, just because I'm the one paying all the medical bills, plus he doesn't have a great history of staying at jobs, so I don't want to deal with switching to his, then having to go back to mine 8 months later.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 11, 2014 8:32:18 GMT -5
NNP, I think the fee for supervised visits is $70 each visit.
No clue on the length or scheduling.
And they're not terribly far from the MN/WI border (started to type WI/MN hah!) so I'm guessing 30 minutes each way, give or take a bit.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:32:26 GMT -5
Does he have a job yet? Can he pay you child support without a job? He just got a really good job yesterday making nearly 50K/year. I make 33K. He has been paying child support the past 3 months with money from his 401K. So have you guys agreed on an amount? August is around the corner. My wife and I decided that if we ever go down the divorce path with kids, 25% of my gross will go to her for child support if for some reason I cannot do 50/50 (work, travel, etc). But first and foremost we would do 50/50 or at least try it. So if I go by the 25% rule I have established for myself, that would be $1,042 for him. You get $1,000 for your oldest, how about $1,000 for your youngest. Since he already knows (I assume) how much you get for your oldest he might agree to that amount.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:32:59 GMT -5
Ok back up and tell me again please. Oh and you don't have to if you have said it before, I just can't find it except I think the visits were $35. How much is the fee for supervised visits? How many visits does this fee cover? How long are the visits? Can you set the schedule for the visits? Didn't he take a job out of state? Won't this cut down on the after work visits and maybe limit them to Saturday and/or Sunday? $35 is for ONE HOUR. It seems ridiculous to me. He did take a job in WI and we're in MN, but I can see WI from my window at work. We're just across the river. He'll have about a 35 minute commute.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Jul 11, 2014 8:34:59 GMT -5
He wants to pay $500/month plus take on the insurance. I don't want him to have the insurance, just because I'm the one paying all the medical bills, plus he doesn't have a great history of staying at jobs, so I don't want to deal with switching to his, then having to go back to mine 8 months later. Then why not let him reimburse you for whatever portion of insurance he is willing to pay for. And if he quits job you are no worse off and won't have the hassel of getting back on yours.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:35:17 GMT -5
He wants to pay $500/month plus take on the insurance. I don't want him to have the insurance, just because I'm the one paying all the medical bills, plus he doesn't have a great history of staying at jobs, so I don't want to deal with switching to his, then having to go back to mine 8 months later. So tell him no on the insurance, $1,000 month and you carry the insurance. It is cheaper to get single insurance. Stupid question: can you get a job paying more? I know my wife only makes ~5k more than you in a HCOLA but easier for us to swallow because of the "academia" route she has chosen.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:35:21 GMT -5
He just got a really good job yesterday making nearly 50K/year. I make 33K. He has been paying child support the past 3 months with money from his 401K. So have you guys agreed on an amount? August is around the corner. My wife and I decided that if we ever go down the divorce path with kids, 25% of my gross will go to her for child support if for some reason I cannot do 50/50 (work, travel, etc). But first and foremost we would do 50/50 or at least try it. So if I go by the 25% rule I have established for myself, that would be $1,042 for him. You get $1,000 for your oldest, how about $1,000 for your youngest. Since he already knows (I assume) how much you get for your oldest he might agree to that amount. Courts would never make him pay that much. I get $1000 for oldest, but his Dad makes over 100K/year and back when we set that up if we'd used the state calculators that a judge would use if we couldn't decide it was going to be $850. He just agreed to more.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:38:09 GMT -5
He wants to pay $500/month plus take on the insurance. I don't want him to have the insurance, just because I'm the one paying all the medical bills, plus he doesn't have a great history of staying at jobs, so I don't want to deal with switching to his, then having to go back to mine 8 months later. I agree with you about the insurance. My ex was supposed to cover the kids but I switched them to my insurance as soon as I could. good thing since he was without a job less than a year later.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:39:03 GMT -5
So have you guys agreed on an amount? August is around the corner. My wife and I decided that if we ever go down the divorce path with kids, 25% of my gross will go to her for child support if for some reason I cannot do 50/50 (work, travel, etc). But first and foremost we would do 50/50 or at least try it. So if I go by the 25% rule I have established for myself, that would be $1,042 for him. You get $1,000 for your oldest, how about $1,000 for your youngest. Since he already knows (I assume) how much you get for your oldest he might agree to that amount. Courts would never make him pay that much. I get $1000 for oldest, but his Dad makes over 100K/year and back when we set that up if we'd used the state calculators that a judge would use if we couldn't decide it was going to be $850. He just agreed to more. Really I think NY would. So what is the state calculations is saying for your ex?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:39:33 GMT -5
So have you guys agreed on an amount? August is around the corner. My wife and I decided that if we ever go down the divorce path with kids, 25% of my gross will go to her for child support if for some reason I cannot do 50/50 (work, travel, etc). But first and foremost we would do 50/50 or at least try it. So if I go by the 25% rule I have established for myself, that would be $1,042 for him. You get $1,000 for your oldest, how about $1,000 for your youngest. Since he already knows (I assume) how much you get for your oldest he might agree to that amount. Courts would never make him pay that much. I get $1000 for oldest, but his Dad makes over 100K/year and back when we set that up if we'd used the state calculators that a judge would use if we couldn't decide it was going to be $850. He just agreed to more. so then use the state calculator and go by that amount.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 11, 2014 8:39:52 GMT -5
I did ONE visit as a GAL. Basically I took kid from mom into McDonalds and waited for dad. Dad had to stay in mcdonalds which was only horrible for me because I hate mcdonalds. Kid played, ate lunch, and interacted with dad A bit but kid was only 3 or 4. Mom called me she was in parking lot. I told dad mom was here, he left and I took kid to moms car. That was it. No drama. I would have and was allowed to call police had anything gone wrong. I did this for free.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:43:07 GMT -5
He wants to pay $500/month plus take on the insurance. I don't want him to have the insurance, just because I'm the one paying all the medical bills, plus he doesn't have a great history of staying at jobs, so I don't want to deal with switching to his, then having to go back to mine 8 months later. Then why not let him reimburse you for whatever portion of insurance he is willing to pay for. And if he quits job you are no worse off and won't have the hassel of getting back on yours. That's the way it works. There's three components of the child support. Basic support, Insurance, and child care. We have to each pay half of everything. If I pay all the insurance through work he has to pay me for 50% of it.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 11, 2014 8:46:18 GMT -5
Well, you've got cheap child care, so he's getting off lighter there. No clue on how much your insurance runs. And basic support would be what, 15% of his base pay?
Add them up, add another $100-? for negotiating purposes and start there.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:46:40 GMT -5
How can you each pay half and his share be 500$?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:50:13 GMT -5
Courts would never make him pay that much. I get $1000 for oldest, but his Dad makes over 100K/year and back when we set that up if we'd used the state calculators that a judge would use if we couldn't decide it was going to be $850. He just agreed to more. Really I think NY would. So what is the state calculations is saying for your ex? Well, the last time we were there. $0. He had no income. I don't know what it would be now. Technically he hasn't started work yet. Still has the drug test today, but he assures me this will not be an issue. The calculator in MN is really complicated. It takes both incomes, combines them into one and comes up with a joint support amount, then it's adjusted based on parenting time and you're credited for insurance and child care that you pay. Long story short, I haven't messed with figuring it out. Truth is, I'd rather he didn't pay and just went away. I wish that could be an option. Him having to pay me just makes him feel he should get something for his money.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:51:49 GMT -5
How can you each pay half and his share be 500$? $500 plus all of health insurance.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 11, 2014 8:53:28 GMT -5
Really I think NY would. So what is the state calculations is saying for your ex? Well, the last time we were there. $0. He had no income. I don't know what it would be now. Technically he hasn't started work yet. Still has the drug test today, but he assures me this will not be an issue. The calculator in MN is really complicated. It takes both incomes, combines them into one and comes up with a joint support amount, then it's adjusted based on parenting time and you're credited for insurance and child care that you pay. Long story short, I haven't messed with figuring it out. Truth is, I'd rather he didn't pay and just went away. I wish that could be an option. Him having to pay me just makes him feel he should get something for his money. He's not paying to get a service. He's paying to make sure his kid has insurance, a safe place to be during the day, a place to sleep and a roof over his head. Child support has NOTHING to do with the dad, or really with you for that matter. It's to take care of kiddo. Paying CS =/= paying for access to kid
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:54:56 GMT -5
So, interesting thought experiment. If your first husband pays 1000$ and that's his half. And your second pays 700$, is the court essentially saying you should spend more money on one of to your kids? I mean, I know incomes are disparate, so it's not possible to be 'equal'... But it does make for some interesting questions...
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 8:57:33 GMT -5
So, interesting thought experiment. If your first husband pays 1000$ and that's his half. And your second pays 700$, is the court essentially saying you should spend more money on one of to your kids? I mean, I know incomes are disparate, so it's not possible to be 'equal'... But it does make for some interesting questions... no it means that her first DH has a higher income than the second DH. child support is all about income the more income you have, theoretically, the more you would spend on your kid.
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