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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2014 19:23:20 GMT -5
He is calling enough times to ask for visitation it seems so you don't need to call extra. If you have to turn him down a few times, then make an effort to call and schedule but it seems you agree majority of the time. One thing though, if you make the calls you would be more in control (of your schedule). But i really think you should set a schedule and a default place. That way you can plan your life better. It is about making your life easier, not accomodating the ex. And don't worry about how he will get there. The more you "help" him, the less you really are helping him anyway.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2014 19:24:15 GMT -5
"However, I came home to THIS! Anyone want to unload hay with me tonight? I have lots of beer in the fridge. "
If you weren't so far away, i would!!!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2014 19:26:55 GMT -5
MPL I think you have a hard time letting go, I remember you tried hanging on to your first husband forever. That was horrible the way he treated you and I think you want this to last, just like you did that one. You don't need someone like this at all, believe me alone is better then that, you deserve better.
I'm alone a lot too, married of course but you have to learn to do it. Not only for yourself but for the kids. If need be I might go back and get court supervised visitation for the son and stay away from the ex. I didn't read the whole thread and don't know if you have to pay for it or not. Hang tough MPL if you let him back into your life now you will deal constantly with his mental illness, drugs, and all that go with it. Cut it loose, let it go, move on. I couldn't let first ex go and fought for years to keep together, but this is a lot different. If he just dropped off the face of the earth, I wouldn't go hunting him down and I never initiate conversation. That's opposite of how it was with first ex. I wish I could just leave my son with him for one weekday and every other weekend and have all the time to myself, but I can't. Heck, he offered to unload hay tonight and I said I had it covered. In hindsight, that was probably stupid on my part.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2014 20:05:12 GMT -5
No that was very smart i think. Maybe in the future you can accept that kind of help from him but right now everything too much up in the air.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Jul 9, 2014 20:10:03 GMT -5
And just to reiterate-mpl you have my respect and admiration for how you are handling everything. Very much yeah that!! (((((Hugs)))))
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jul 9, 2014 20:40:55 GMT -5
I agree it was smart to decline the help even if you could use it.
I would try to set days/times so that way he doesn't need to contact you and try to arrange to see his son. No last minute plans if you know 2 hours every Wednesday is the plan.
And I could be totally wrong, but you might find he doesn't always show. Right now he always shows and sees his kid a lot because you are totally on his schedule. So whenever the mood strikes him he gets to play involved dad. If the schedule is no longer dependent on his mood or plans that day, he might not be quite as dependable. Although maybe I am wrong due to the obsession thing you've described.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2014 21:45:02 GMT -5
Hay is selling for $18 a small, 3 string bale in CA, due to the drought!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 9, 2014 22:06:58 GMT -5
Hay is selling for $18 a small, 3 string bale in CA, due to the drought! Holy hell that's a lot of money. I think your smalls are bigger than ours though. Ours only have 2 strings weigh maybe 40 pounds? For awhile early this spring it was up to about $5/bale due to the long winter, but normally it's more like $3. We're having the opposite problem. This hay should have been cut weeks ago, but it's been raining all the time. Even if we had stretches of 2-3 with no rain, the fields were too wet to even try to cut and dry anything. I think they got about 1000 off the front field. There's 800 or so on wagons, but it got to late to keep baling and I'm guessing another loads worth in the field. Then the back field still isn't cut. Probably another 3 or 400 there. I don't know how much I'm going to take yet, I like to hold off for second crop because it's a lot nicer.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 7:34:47 GMT -5
I have amazing neighbors. They finished baling about 7:30 and were going to take a wagon over to their place to unload then come back and work on mine while I got the kid fed and to bed. Well, it got to be almost 9:30 and was pitch dark (I have no lights in my loft), so I figured they decided to wait until the next day. I took a shower and settled in with some TV. I did hear tractors out there later, but assumed they were hauling the wagons off to get them in the shed in case it rained. This morning I went out to do chores and the loft is half full of new hay. I'm kind of feeling a little guilty I didn't notice they were out there and go help.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 10, 2014 7:44:46 GMT -5
It's ok MPL. I bet you've helped them out a lot in the past. And will in the future too. If you feel really guilty, bake cookies for them.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 7:45:50 GMT -5
It's ok MPL. I bet you've helped them out a lot in the past. And will in the future too. If you feel really guilty, bake cookies for them. At the very least I should have brought them beer.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 7:46:47 GMT -5
As a side note, I really should consider a security system. I see they're getting really cheap now.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jul 10, 2014 7:55:07 GMT -5
So have them over for cookies and beer, once the haying is done. (Santa always got cookies and beer when I was a kid.)
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 10, 2014 10:00:44 GMT -5
Heck, he offered to unload hay tonight and I said I had it covered. In hindsight, that was probably stupid on my part
No that's smart. You don't want to give him an opening to start showing up at your house.
I can't remember if you have anything stating he can't be there or not. If you do then starting to have him come over, even if it is to help with chores is going to send mixed messages about what you are and aren't all right with. If he's not allowed on your property then he's not allowed, period.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 10:25:13 GMT -5
Heck, he offered to unload hay tonight and I said I had it covered. In hindsight, that was probably stupid on my partNo that's smart. You don't want to give him an opening to start showing up at your house. I can't remember if you have anything stating he can't be there or not. If you do then starting to have him come over, even if it is to help with chores is going to send mixed messages about what you are and aren't all right with. If he's not allowed on your property then he's not allowed, period. There is nothing that says he can't be at the house. I guess I didn't feel right about allowing him to come over if he was going to work but not otherwise. All issues aside, he is quite the asset during haying days. But, I really don't need to be tempted by 220 pounds of sweating muscle. Especially since haying includes drinking which I normally never do anymore.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jul 10, 2014 11:55:14 GMT -5
Heck, he offered to unload hay tonight and I said I had it covered. In hindsight, that was probably stupid on my partNo that's smart. You don't want to give him an opening to start showing up at your house. I can't remember if you have anything stating he can't be there or not. If you do then starting to have him come over, even if it is to help with chores is going to send mixed messages about what you are and aren't all right with. If he's not allowed on your property then he's not allowed, period. There is nothing that says he can't be at the house. I guess I didn't feel right about allowing him to come over if he was going to work but not otherwise. All issues aside, he is quite the asset during haying days. But, I really don't need to be tempted by 220 pounds of sweating muscle. Especially since haying includes drinking which I normally never do anymore. Boundaries. That is why you can't have him over to the house. Because YOU have Boundaries. Now keep them
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 17:06:13 GMT -5
Well, he just texted me that he got a job. $22.89/hour. Way more than I make. Life is quite unfair sometimes. I really wish it was second shift, but this is going to cut into his court prep time at least. He had way too much time on his hands.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 10, 2014 17:09:21 GMT -5
Look at it this way, now you can start getting regular child support. That will alleviate the burden somewhat.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 10, 2014 17:13:26 GMT -5
Glad to hear he's found a job, MPL. Now, it's up to him not to lose it through his behavior. He still has issues and those issues don't have a quick fix, unfortunately.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 17:16:13 GMT -5
Look at it this way, now you can start getting regular child support. That will alleviate the burden somewhat. I know. I just sometimes feel like being responsible and dependable doesn't really pay. They offered him the same job for $21/hour six weeks ago and he turned them down waiting for the place that eventually turned HIM down due to a mistake on his background check and then they not only still gave him a job, they upped the pay nearly $2/hour. I am a little worried. The job is in Wisconsin and I'm not sure Minnesota collects child support through payroll deduction across the state line. I'll have to look into it.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 17:17:21 GMT -5
Glad to hear he's found a job, MPL. Now, it's up to him not to lose it through his behavior. He still has issues and those issues don't have a quick fix, unfortunately. Yeah, I am too. Even if he's making way more than me it's better than him being unemployed for sure. He hasn't worked in 13 months.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 10, 2014 17:18:34 GMT -5
Look at it this way, now you can start getting regular child support. That will alleviate the burden somewhat. I know. I just sometimes feel like being responsible and dependable doesn't really pay. They offered him the same job for $21/hour six weeks ago and he turned them down waiting for the place that eventually turned HIM down due to a mistake on his background check and then they not only still gave him a job, they upped the pay nearly $2/hour. I am a little worried. The job is in Wisconsin and I'm not sure Minnesota collects child support through payroll deduction across the state line. I'll have to look into it. MN and WI have a lot of reciprocity, hopefully they will here too.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 10, 2014 17:19:21 GMT -5
Agreed. If he really wants to make changes, this will give him the opportunity to rebuild his confidence and reset his moral compass. It will also allow him to start paying for a supervisor during his visitations with his son. There are no more excuses for him not to do that.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jul 10, 2014 17:22:49 GMT -5
Agreed. If he really wants to make changes, this will give him the opportunity to rebuild his confidence and reset his moral compass. It will also allow him to start paying for a supervisor during his visitations with his son. There are no more excuses for him not to do that. Exactly. If he wants to see his son, he gets to pay someone to supervise him now. That will take some of the stress of that off of you too.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 17:42:33 GMT -5
I know. I just sometimes feel like being responsible and dependable doesn't really pay. They offered him the same job for $21/hour six weeks ago and he turned them down waiting for the place that eventually turned HIM down due to a mistake on his background check and then they not only still gave him a job, they upped the pay nearly $2/hour. I am a little worried. The job is in Wisconsin and I'm not sure Minnesota collects child support through payroll deduction across the state line. I'll have to look into it. MN and WI have a lot of reciprocity, hopefully they will here too. MN doesn't collect the child support. WI will collect and send it to MN for disbursement. you have a wage garnishment in place with MN, right?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 10, 2014 18:52:56 GMT -5
Woo hoo!! Less time to text you and working is conducive to a set schedule. And child support. This is fantastic for you!!! I don't give a shit about him.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 10, 2014 19:14:50 GMT -5
MN doesn't collect the child support. WI will collect and send it to MN for disbursement. you have a wage garnishment in place with MN, right? No. He hasn't had a job the past year. Things are really slow. I applied for support last October and it first went to court last month. At the hearing he said he'd just been offered these two positions pending all the background checks, so they just put a temporary order in place and rescheduled another hearing for the first week in August anticipating he'd have income then.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Jul 10, 2014 19:32:45 GMT -5
MPL - It's been a while since I posted last, but I've been reading along when I can. As for the reasonable supervised visitation schedule - I posted my schedule before. My ex can only see his son on the 1st, 3rd and 5th Sundays of the month and only when he gives me 72 hour notice. I put this clause in there for a reason. Like you, I'd get a text/phone call that day wanting a visitation within hours. It was upsetting MY schedule because I'd have things planned days/weeks/months in advance and suddenly he'd show up, make me feel guilty for "denying him access to his son" when the reality was he'd be the one deciding when he felt like being "super dad". I requested the above supervised visitation schedule, the judge approved it without batting an eye while throwing in the statement "of course you'll allow additional supervision as dad shows he is trustworthy correct?" (of course I said yes! I never had any intention of keeping son from him - I just couldn't handle the upheaval of his whims!). I had an approved court schedule to present to the ex with the statement that we would be following it going forward and any questions, refer to it, don't call me complaining about - he was welcome to ask the court to change it and I would comply with a new court order. I figured it would be a struggle to get him to comply with the schedule - and to a point it was. When he'd call on the 2nd weekend, I'd tell him, "I'm sorry - it's not your weekend to see your son, do you plan on seeing him next weekend?" He'd cuss at me, call me every name in the book, threaten to take me to court and hang up when I wouldn't bend. Occasionally it would happen that he'd hang up without confirming the next weekend and then call on Sunday and ask where we were for visitation. I'd respond with, "I'm sorry, you didn't give me 72 hours notice that you were exercising your visitation right. I asked you about it last weekend when you called and you ignored that question. We have other plans - don't forget to call before your next scheduled visitation so this doesn't happen again." I had him tell me that he couldn't keep the schedule straight - that it was too confusing. I reminded him that he had a phone that has a calendar on it that reminders could be set up on. I told him if that didn't work, an old-fashioned paper-calendar would also work well. The only time I waivered on visitation was reasonable requests to move the day to Saturday so they could visit inside the library in the heat of the summer or cold of winter. Otherwise - it was by the book. Did I feel like the biggest b*tch in the world? YES!!!! However, every conversation we had showed him that he was no longer in control of me and that I was the one with the control. The screaming, cussing and name calling eventually happened less and less and compliance happened more and more (to a point - he hasn't seen his son in over 6 months at this point). This supervised court order has now been in effect over 6 years and ex still has yet to take me to court to have it changed. Son is 17 and has no interest in visiting with his dad unless his dad makes the effort (this is the one that tried to buy him the moon when he was younger). They talk by text only and son has called out his dad on being rude and disrespectful to him - I haven't had to do anything other than tell son to watch his dad's actions and see if those actions line up with his words. That's where it was important. Son realizes that his dad is full of it and doesn't mean anything he says other than to manipulate and get what he wants. I'm so over feeling like a horrible mom because my son's dad couldn't bother jumping through the basic hoops I set out to be a good dad to his son. I'm over feeling like I have to be responsible for fostering a relationship with son and ex - that's not my responsibility - it's the ex's. MPL - you're in the same position. It's not your responsibility to make sure your son had a relationship with his father. That's his father's responsibility and that makes it his job to jump through the hoops you (and the court) say are reasonable. You don't have to give in if he misses a hoop. The hoops are there for a reason - to show that he can be responsible and follow directions and to give you peace of mind. We are all on your side. Hang in there!
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 2:08:22 GMT -5
I guess I don't get what I'm supposed to do here. According to the divorce decree, I need to give him reasonable parenting time which is to be supervised and a lot of people said that one weeknight and one weekend afternoon were not out of line? I document every single visit so I can give it to a judge if he says I'm keeping his son from him. Where are your other kids while you are having to attend the supervised visits? Depending on how bad ex's behavior was, 2 hours on a weekday evening might be considered reasonable. Hard to say for anyone that was not in the court and does not know the judge's expectations. What is very unusual is that you are having to provide the supervision for the visits. It is generally a bad idea and causes a ready made conflict point that can easily erupt.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2014 2:36:18 GMT -5
Ask your lawyer about getting a gal assigned, or contact a Casa group in your area. It sucks but I don't think you can assume that anyone else is looking out for you in this. The gal isnt looking out for you either, but then you have a 3rd party that the court will rely on to determine his visitation. And the fact that you have been doing frequent visits with him, in a variety of settings might make the court assume that you're ok with your arrangement. Sent from my ADR6410LVW using proboards I don't know that a GAL is advisable for her situation. The GALs role (as it is documented in my state) is to ensure that both parents maintain a parenting relationship with the child. It does not matter if the the offender beat the mother or has a drug or alcohol problem. The overriding objective is to ensure the parent-child bond stays intact. Because the organization that guides the GALs here has decided, regardless of the parental deficiencies, that maintaining the bond is paramount to the interests of the child, that is how their recommendations are skewed. This has gone badly in several cases here, so I truly hope it changes. MPL needs to find out what the GAL agenda is in her state before she asks for one. At this point, unless MPL gave testimony that she was attacked all the court knows is that the guy quietly went off his rocker and did not harm her or the child. MPL does need to show the lengths she has gone to to facilitate visitation AND advise the judge of the adverse impact on her and her other children by supporting that difficult schedule commitment. She needs to request an order for supervised visitation provided by a court appointed entity and to ask the father to pay for it since he is employed at a better wage now. Make a list of the obsessive behavior towards the child. Feel free to advise the judge of the situations and how much it concerns you. If ex's phone is on your account and in your name, you can also advise that you have noticed by his phone records that he is back in touch with his drug culture, rap sheet carrying friends. That this seriously concerns you because they are a bad influence on the child if he is exposed and your ex takes on far riskier behaviors when he is self medicating, such as overreacting and attacking people (BIL example you gave earlier). Also think carefully of what hoops you want the ex to jump through to gain visitation, because the judge wants to know you are not trying to limit it out of spite. Do you want him to get a full psychological evaluation? A psychological parenting evaluation? Routine drug screens? A full psych evaluation might slow him down a little. Best of Luck in August!
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