justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 16:19:35 GMT -5
I'd also get over the hating to text issue. You message these people on a dating site. A text is just a message on a different format. Every single successful date I've gone on, I've received a text message upon getting into my car or driving on my way home from her telling me how much she enjoyed it, and asking when we're going out next. You don't have to ask her out again right away, but let her know you had a good time and want to do it again. Texting is a good way to do this. Also, I've been with my current GF for over 6 months. One of the things I noticed that differentiated her from others was that when we started out talking, we would text from morning until night. We'd basically wake up, and the 'good morning' text was the opening of the conversation, and the 'good night' text when we went to sleep was the end of the conversation. Because of my GF, I know the total text limit for one conversation on my phone, because within one week, I had more messages from her than anyone else on my phone. I'm guessing from what you've written on here that you don't have any female friends. This makes things doubly hard for you, because you don't have someone outside of family (your sister) to give you the social feedback you need in your situation. I think you need to work on learning to be friends with girls before you look at being their best friend and then a potential mate. The crazy part is you don't even realize you're texting that much. I went from averaging 200/mth to over 3000/mth with my ex. He got calls from his mom about a new girl because they're all on one family plan and she saw the spike of texts.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 16:20:59 GMT -5
when I was doing online dating, I immediately rejected any guy who responded to me that clearly hadn't read my profile because he didn't meet my 'what I was looking for'. age, race, area, height, etc. I'm very picky but that's life. I also didn't contact guys whose criteria I didn't fit. But aren't you still single? Phoenix - I have to agree with Beergut (and Ratchets, and many others) on many of their points. You do sound like you lack confidence. I love a guy with confidence but don't go too far the other way either and come across as too arrogant. Can you pay closer attention to the guys that do have women and learn from them? Watch and learn how they interact and joke and banter. You probably don't do this but I feel compelled to mention it any way just in case. You don't list your "Why I'm a nice guy" or "Here is what I want from a mate" type things when you meet these women, do you? That would definitely cause them to balk at a second date. I know I've said this before but I sure wish you lived by me. I'm very honest to the point of hurting people's feelings sometimes but if you really wanted to be critiqued I'd be your girl. I'd also love to take you out with our group of friends just to get you to open up and laugh. An easy going guy who has confidence and can laugh is a must for most women I know or have known. I wonder - do you go to your dates with a "taking a test" type intensity? Don't look at it that way. Don't try so hard and learn to banter and smile a lot (but not to the point that you look goofy or insane ). I also agree that you should respond to those that are contacting you first. Get rid of the list! At worst it will just be practice. At best you will find your girl. This is so hard to do over the internet! Where are you in Florida again? Got any good guys in the group??
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beergut
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Post by beergut on Jun 5, 2014 16:21:20 GMT -5
Ugh, don't get me started on profile pics. As far as I'm concerned, all internet dating profile pictures should be of you and only you.
I can't tell how many times I've seen girls post pictures of them with a whole bunch of other girls and I have no freaking idea which one is the one who wrote the profile.
Sometimes they'll say "I'm the one on the right" or some such, but usually you can't count on it. You also have to remember that the profile pic they'll post is the best picture they've ever had taken of them in the last 5-10 years, so it can be a little misleading. This is another area where texting and sending selfies can help. I've only been in one situation where the profile pic didn't do the girl justice, and in that case, it wasn't a date situation, just me meeting someone who I occasionally chatted with on Twitter, and I was in town for a football game. Her profile pic was just ordinary to average, but she was one of the funniest people on Twitter, period, and constantly made me laugh. In person, she is beautiful , and along with her personality, it just makes her irresistible. I even pulled up her twitter pic at one point in the evening, and told her that her pic didn't do her justice. She is, of course, single, mainly because I think men are intimidated by her intellect (she is a grad student finishing her doctorate).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 16:21:27 GMT -5
" I'm guessing from what you've written on here that you don't have any female friends. This makes things doubly hard for you, because you don't have someone outside of family (your sister) to give you the social feedback you need in your situation. "
Actually i think he had said he doesn't have any guy friends either (except for one in his hometown I think). So i think he needs to work on getting friends before looking for a girlfriend.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 5, 2014 16:23:20 GMT -5
I'll raise you photos of guys with their arm around a woman his age. Is she you gf? Your ex? Your best friend? Your sister? Yeah....I don't care to find out. Only to be one upped by the guys who have said picture and then either blur out or scribble over her face with a photo editing software. Yup, sure makes you look attractive! Well, I do have one photo of me and my sister at her wedding. But I did put text below it saying it was of my sisters wedding, and my sister is obviously the bride in the picture.
I put it there because it was a good picture of us both. And I look pretty snappy in that tux.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 16:23:38 GMT -5
"You and your friends sound like a blast when you all get together...I'd love too!
Oh wait, you meant Phoenix...single guys have all the luck ."
Hey i wanna hang out with POM too!!! So where do you live POM?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 16:25:09 GMT -5
"Oh, and one other thing I forgot to mention, a lot of the emails I do get have extremely poor grammar and spelling. Very off putting and makes me less likely to respond. Some of them will use "text speech" or whatever it's called. Like when they mean to write you they right U."
This is being nitpicky over dumb stuff. Like i said you need to relax!
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 5, 2014 16:26:12 GMT -5
Like when they mean to write you they right U
Ok did you mean to write "they WRITE U" or did you mean to make that grammar error and write "RIGHT U"?
Mostly teasing with that one. But honestly - I hate text speak and never use abbreviations when I text. I've been hounding my son about that and reminding him that when he emails he should use proper language and sentence structure.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 5, 2014 16:27:05 GMT -5
But aren't you still single? Phoenix - I have to agree with Beergut (and Ratchets, and many others) on many of their points. You do sound like you lack confidence. I love a guy with confidence but don't go too far the other way either and come across as too arrogant. Can you pay closer attention to the guys that do have women and learn from them? Watch and learn how they interact and joke and banter. You probably don't do this but I feel compelled to mention it any way just in case. You don't list your "Why I'm a nice guy" or "Here is what I want from a mate" type things when you meet these women, do you? That would definitely cause them to balk at a second date. I know I've said this before but I sure wish you lived by me. I'm very honest to the point of hurting people's feelings sometimes but if you really wanted to be critiqued I'd be your girl. I'd also love to take you out with our group of friends just to get you to open up and laugh. An easy going guy who has confidence and can laugh is a must for most women I know or have known. I wonder - do you go to your dates with a "taking a test" type intensity? Don't look at it that way. Don't try so hard and learn to banter and smile a lot (but not to the point that you look goofy or insane ). I also agree that you should respond to those that are contacting you first. Get rid of the list! At worst it will just be practice. At best you will find your girl. This is so hard to do over the internet! Where are you in Florida again? Got any good guys in the group?? LOL! In the Orlando area. Yes, they are great guys but we all refer to them as husbands. But sometimes if it's just a few of us others join in to play with us - depending on the setting. But I'm the type that can talk to anybody about anything to the point of getting a "TMI!!" now and then. And that's just from my DH.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 16:30:05 GMT -5
Hey I have a friend in Orlando that I've been wanting to visit! So party at POM's!!!!
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 16:30:17 GMT -5
Where are you in Florida again? Got any good guys in the group?? LOL! In the Orlando area. Yes, they are great guys but we all refer to them as husbands. But sometimes if it's just a few of us other's join in to play with us - depending on the setting. But I'm the type that can talk to anybody about anything to the point of getting a "TMI!!" now and then. And that's just from my DH. Boo on the no single guys since I'm in that area.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 5, 2014 16:34:18 GMT -5
POM,
I understand subtly enough not to spout why I'm a nice guy and all that.
I have begun studying guys who are out on dates if I'm at a restaurant. Mostly I study how they dress, because I in the past I always dressed how I did for work, which is jeans and a polo shirt, but I'm starting to think I may need to get a few "dating outfits" going. Despite what they say, I think many women are just as visual as men, and making that good first impression is important.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 5, 2014 16:34:46 GMT -5
Same here. I am probably too much of an open book. Every now and then I think "did I just say that... they probably don't give a shit."
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jun 5, 2014 16:35:36 GMT -5
It's not so much confidence that I think Phoenix needs, it's comfort in his own skin. If a guy is nervous, that's fine especially on the first date, but if there is TENSION somehow that seems different. I know, its just semantics, but in my mind one is a situational issue and one is more of a personal thing. Like the person is tense an internal issue.
Phoenix, maybe you can go out on a date and just pretend to be your Superman alterego and leave Clark Kent behind? Just give another personality trait a whirl? You are smart and attractive, you just need the 'fun' part it sounds like, so why not give it a chance?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 16:36:21 GMT -5
I don't think your outfit or you looks are your problem. Somebody said something about zero personality. I don't mean to sound mean but you need to work on your personality. You need to relax, not everything has to be perfect.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 16:36:58 GMT -5
Just don't wear your underwear on the outside while you're being superman.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 5, 2014 16:38:16 GMT -5
Then get Phoenix to come too and we'll all go out (we don't want too many of us at one time as single guys find that intimidating). The girls will wonder who Phoenix is with all these women hanging on him. LOL! We could all go shopping for , ummm, new friends for everybody - including me!
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 5, 2014 16:38:26 GMT -5
I understand that confidence is attractive, but how do you get confidence when you have nothing to be confident about?
It's kind of like I said towards the end of my OP. It becomes a vicious cycle after a while. The less success you have the less confident you feel and therefore the less successful you are going forward.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 5, 2014 16:45:23 GMT -5
I understand that confidence is attractive, but how do you get confidence when you have nothing to be confident about?
It's kind of like I said towards the end of my OP. It becomes a vicious cycle after a while. The less success you have the less confident you feel and therefore the less successful you are going forward. But you do. Mid said you were handsome, tall and likeable. You are smart and have a good job. You have some money (not too rich not too poor) so not intimidating nor do you have to worry about users/gold diggers - hopefully. These girls see your profile and feel you are worth checking out. It's what you are doing when they meet you that the problem seems to arise and because you said you were comfortable with Mid from knowing her here we are thinking that may be your set back - the lack of confidence and/or not feeling comfortable with them. You come across as confident when you post here (except about this topic). It's a shame you can't imagine the people you meet as each of us. Can't you pretend they are all Mid or somebody here that makes you feel like you know them already? The only thing I can say is maybe try to fake it until you actually feel it? I have no idea. We all have insecurities in some area at one time or another but this one was never mine so I'm not sure how one would over come it. I wish I knew.
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sunshinegal1981
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Post by sunshinegal1981 on Jun 5, 2014 16:48:27 GMT -5
I understand that confidence is attractive, but how do you get confidence when you have nothing to be confident about? ^^^ This attitude right here is the root of the problem. ETA: to everything that POM said.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jun 5, 2014 16:50:18 GMT -5
I understand that confidence is attractive, but how do you get confidence when you have nothing to be confident about?
It's kind of like I said towards the end of my OP. It becomes a vicious cycle after a while. The less success you have the less confident you feel and therefore the less successful you are going forward.
Phoenix, I hope you don't mind me replying a lot to your thread. We work in similar fields, so although I'm stereotyping, I think I've met a lot of men similar to you. So feel free to tell me if I'm way off base. Confidence is something that is going to take a lot of work. It's also believing in yourself-- that you do deserve a nice friend and that you are worthy of that sort of attraction and affection. So concentrate on why that is. It can start small (I have a nice smile) and work its way up (I have a job that pays well), etc. Think about who you are and what you represent. Have some pride in yourself. How do you dress, by the way? Are you still wearing 10 yr old clothing? Have you spent a little money on yourself lately? I know its superficial and in the end you won't want to be with someone who doesn't like you in dirty sweatpants and a T shirt, but if you're having problems getting a 2nd date, you could re-examine your first impression. I made one of my guy friends give me a budget and we went shopping and I got him clothes that fit his physique (he was not thin nor handsome) and taught him how to emphasize the nice parts. He is now happily married from a woman he met on CL and still asks me for fashion advice. So here's a few things to start with: - I am good looking - I have a good education - I am well paid - I don't kick puppies, - I can make a mean set of blueberry pancakes... etc. and work from there.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 16:52:02 GMT -5
I understand that confidence is attractive, but how do you get confidence when you have nothing to be confident about?
It's kind of like I said towards the end of my OP. It becomes a vicious cycle after a while. The less success you have the less confident you feel and therefore the less successful you are going forward. Because your confidence shouldn't be rooted in who you have on your arm or what other people think of you.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 17:03:13 GMT -5
And go for a striped or checkered shirt or some type of geometric pattern - but subtle!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 17:04:41 GMT -5
when I was doing online dating, I immediately rejected any guy who responded to me that clearly hadn't read my profile because he didn't meet my 'what I was looking for'. age, race, area, height, etc. I'm very picky but that's life. I also didn't contact guys whose criteria I didn't fit. But aren't you still single? Phoenix - I have to agree with Beergut (and Ratchets, and many others) on many of their points. You do sound like you lack confidence. I love a guy with confidence but don't go too far the other way either and come across as too arrogant. Can you pay closer attention to the guys that do have women and learn from them? Watch and learn how they interact and joke and banter. You probably don't do this but I feel compelled to mention it any way just in case. You don't list your "Why I'm a nice guy" or "Here is what I want from a mate" type things when you meet these women, do you? That would definitely cause them to balk at a second date. I know I've said this before but I sure wish you lived by me. I'm very honest to the point of hurting people's feelings sometimes but if you really wanted to be critiqued I'd be your girl. I'd also love to take you out with our group of friends just to get you to open up and laugh. An easy going guy who has confidence and can laugh is a must for most women I know or have known. I wonder - do you go to your dates with a "taking a test" type intensity? Don't look at it that way. Don't try so hard and learn to banter and smile a lot (but not to the point that you look goofy or insane ). I also agree that you should respond to those that are contacting you first. Get rid of the list! At worst it will just be practice. At best you will find your girl. This is so hard to do over the internet! I'm not currently interested in dating but over the past 10+ years I've dated plenty, including a few long term relationships. I've also tried dating outside my 'standards' and I find myself miserable on the date and hoping it's over soon....so I prefer to have a smaller dating pool than settle. I also have 3 kids so that was a hinderance for a long time. And no matter how many guys claim they want a confident, independent woman, they really want someone who needs them.
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Jun 5, 2014 17:05:40 GMT -5
As for a dating outfit.. get rid of the golf/polo style shirts. A nice pair of jeans, a nice pair of shoes and a button down shirt, untucked, top button undone and sleeves rolled up. Spend a little money on your clothes so they fit well. Nothing flashy/over the top, just well made clothes. Yep. Thats a good look.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jun 5, 2014 17:10:23 GMT -5
A lot of social details are custom to each individual and learned over time, in my experience. The key seems to be to go out and experiment and observe and try to not put on pressure while trying things. You're gathering data, testing ideas. So of course results will vary.
I did contact DH first, specifically because his profile made him seem very sweet. There were no pictures, just interests and a sense of personality. He seemed like a caring guy who probably wouldn't hurt me or make me cry. That helped a lot in meeting up and seeing how things went with confidence. I logically expected him to be the first in a chain of boyfriends while I sampled the waters, but we hit it off despite being very different.
If it helps, in my experience there is something cool about everyone. Really. Unusual hair, fantastic cooking or computer skills, amazing organization, at least one skill or trait that makes them neat. I think it helps to go out looking for things like that. Even if it doesn't work out romantically, you still might make a good friend.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Jun 5, 2014 17:15:41 GMT -5
I'll wait until he gets here to dress him. And I'll have to measure him first.
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sunshinegal1981
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Post by sunshinegal1981 on Jun 5, 2014 17:16:25 GMT -5
While we're on the topic of why Phoenix is awesome, check out this list of threads that you've started: School dress codes are sexist? What haven't you done? Firearm Safety Do you try to avoid spoiling your kids? Should the 9/11 memorial have a gift shop? What are your earliest memories? Do you like having meat with every meal? What Skills Do You Have? Should Bullying be a Crime? Impact of Online Education How stressful is your job/life? Do you get emotionally attached to objects? Are you a type A or a type B Have you ever felt discriminated against? What do you think about a maximum wage? School dress code for parents? Recognition/Awards at Work Retailers collecting personal information How materialistic are you? Why do people cheat on their spouses? Did you keep your college textbooks? What are your hopes and dreams? Why do you do what you do? Doing stuff alone How do you get the energy? What is your least favorite and "favorite" chore? What difference does your work make? What do you like and not like about your job? How have you changed over the years? Okay, fess up, how often do you go out to eat? What advice would you give your younger self? Have you ever had or been a mentor? At least half of these make AMAZING topics of conversation on a date, and they are super insightful and revealing. Seriously, I always get excited to see new Phoenix threads on here, because they are always so thought-provoking. If you posted these topics here, I'm sure you have opinions on them as well, ones that could make for very interesting conversation. Throw in some witty quips, respond thoughtfully to HER side, pay for a few mojitos, and BAM, successful date! You have TONS of things to be confident about!
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jun 5, 2014 17:21:47 GMT -5
My advice is just be WHO you ARE. Don't try to fake it. Of course, you can be your best self. Dress nicely, be polite, etc. But you don't need to fake anything. Being comfortable with who you are in your own skin is what REAL confidence is, not some phony baloney stuff. You are you. What do YOU like? What do you enjoy? What do you find funny? What interests you and what kinds of things appeal to you? Then set about enjoying life while keeping your eye out for a certain someone whom you might find is interested or passionate about some of the same things.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 5, 2014 17:22:09 GMT -5
I don't know about my wardrobe. I have pretty simple tastes when it comes to clothing. I always wear jeans, and almost always either a sweater or polo shirt. You'll get the idea when I post pics a bit later.
I do sometimes wish I had someone with fashion sense to go shopping with me to pick out clothes. I might not like them, but I could stand to wear them at least during the first few dates.
Clothes can really help that first snap judgment people make when first meeting someone.
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