midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 5, 2014 14:28:31 GMT -5
This isn't quite the same thing, since we were both in junior high when we started dating the first time, and I was in college when we got back together - but DH is a community college dropout and I have a graduate degree. He pulls his own weight (and sometimes mine) just fine.
There are a lot of careers that don't require traditional education and can be looked down upon, but have the potential to make a LOT of money. For example - hairdressers. I am 99.9% sure my stylist makes more than I do, and she doesn't even have a high school diploma.
Motivation and earning potential don't have to be tied to education level.
If you're not having any luck, I'd do an experiment, and for the next month or two, not message anyone new - but try to go out on a date with every girl who messages you (unless there are huge red flags, like they have to schedule the date around their murder trial... and they're not an attorney )
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 14:28:35 GMT -5
Meanwhile you are not contacting girls who email you first because they don't fit your chosen criteria. If a girl is emailing you first that means she's interested and wants to know more about you.
You really should expand your horizons and pick from the girls that email you first. You might have better luck because they wouldn't be emailing you if they weren't at least somewhat curious about you.
And I would say this is his second biggest mistake. I don't know about all girls, but I am very selective in who I email when I initiate. If I email you, there was something about you that I REALLY liked. So when we meet, there is a pretty good chance I am going to like you and want to go on a second date. You are ignoring women who put themselves out there to contact you & those are the ones that will probably like you most. Maybe some women spam email guys though, IDK. Guys certainly like to spam email girls
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buystoys
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Post by buystoys on Jun 5, 2014 14:32:48 GMT -5
DH and I met through an on-line site. We e-mailed for a couple of weeks and talked on the phone for a couple of weeks before we ever met in person. I think our first phone conversation lasted three hours! I had met other men (from that same site) after a few e-mails and a phone call and never went out with any of them more than twice. There just wasn't enough commonality to start a relationship. When DH contacted me, I had decided that I wasn't going to meet anyone else until I got to know them fairly well first. Needless to say, our first date was easy as we already had so many topics to discuss. Another thought for you.... Even if none of the women in your church singles group are attractive to you, don't give up on the group. Have several of you gone out on group dates? Those kinds of activities frequently involve outsiders also attending and can expand your potential network of possibilities.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 14:33:24 GMT -5
Eek. Sorry the word choice is just too... forced for me. first, You're going to have to text. At least a little. I understand not wanting to have full on conversations via text, but a little bit here and there is expected. Second, just say, "hey, can I have your number?" all the rest is implied. Just take it easy.This is just my opinion. I know it's hard to put yourself out there online and have people rip you to shreds. Thanks for catching this hbbq! I totally glanced over that. Phoenix - what you do is exactly what my friend I talked about does. He over talks and over qualifies. He sees it as trying to put the girl at ease and that he's not pressuring her (I'm guessing you see it that way too), but it doesn't really come across that way. It reads more insecure actually. A simple, "Hey, I'd love to be able to call and chat with you. Can I have your number?" or short and sweet like hbbq is the way to go. He should still give his number first, otherwise I it might come on too strong. I would just give your number & not ask for her number back. Just giving out the number should be an obvious sign that you want hers as well, she will either run with it or not.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 5, 2014 14:34:56 GMT -5
Admittedly I am picky as hell but not really about them having the same education (I have a masters degree). It is more like this: Don't like animals (you're out) Don't like to travel (you're out) Don't think the American Pie movies are hilarious (you're freaking crazy and have no sense of humor )
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 5, 2014 14:35:28 GMT -5
Phoenix-I believe you said earlier in the thread that you prefer to do most of the listening while your date does most of the talking. At the end of the evening, you may or may not be interested in a second date with that person based upon her comments.
But what about your date? What has she learned about you from her first date with you? If you said very little, she has to base her decision for a second date with you determined solely upon on what conversation you added to the evening.
As hard as it may be, you need to extend yourself during these dates and give them a good idea as to who you are. Your date(s) can only learn who you are through mutual conversation give-and-take conversation. Yes, you're right. I've known that for a little while now, and try to make an effort. I was just saying that talking about myself doesn't come naturally to me, but I realize I have to do it.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 14:38:00 GMT -5
Thanks for catching this hbbq! I totally glanced over that. Phoenix - what you do is exactly what my friend I talked about does. He over talks and over qualifies. He sees it as trying to put the girl at ease and that he's not pressuring her (I'm guessing you see it that way too), but it doesn't really come across that way. It reads more insecure actually. A simple, "Hey, I'd love to be able to call and chat with you. Can I have your number?" or short and sweet like hbbq is the way to go. He should still give his number first, otherwise I it might come on too strong. I would just give your number & not ask for her number back. Just giving out the number should be an obvious sign that you want hers as well, she will either run with it or not. Lol. Probably a preference thing. Especially when I meet in person I hate when a guy wants to give me his number (I usually say no) and it annoys me to no end when they do the 'I'll call you so you have my number' right in front of me. On several occasions when a guy online sent me his number, I responded back with mine and waited for him to call/text.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 5, 2014 14:38:49 GMT -5
Alright, point made about the education.
YM always harps on getting a useful degree and how if you don't you'll never earn a good living. I guess times have changed. I think some of the reason I thought that was because I've been reading these boards so long.
It still seems a bit strange that when women have standards no one bats an eye, but when I express one standard, it's wrong. But in this case, you're probably right. Some jobs can pay pretty well, no degree required.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Jun 5, 2014 14:39:48 GMT -5
And for the record, it's not for lack of trying. I've done mostly online dating, because I don't really see much alternative. I've sent out hundreds of e-mails, and gone on dozens of first dates, but alas, nothing happens. But as I said, I'm not looking for specific advice on how to get out and meet people, I think address the issues above are more important first.
I have passed out and now I can type again... I do not really know how to brake it to you, hiney...there IS something wrong with you. If you can't get internet dating going - we need to do something with you pronto! Or maybe you have gotten someone while this thread is going on?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 14:41:42 GMT -5
Another thing for me (maybe I am weird) is that it is extremely attractive to see pictures of a guy with kids or to have him talk about kids in his profile. I would assume this would be true for most woment looking to settle down & have a family. I know my brother's ex went on a date with him specifically because he had a picture of himself with my son (they dated for several years). The guy I am dating had pics of him with his kids & also mentioned that the last book he read was Divergent "because his daughter wanted him to read it". I actually initiated contact because I thought that was so freaking sweet.
So if you have neices or nephews, put up a few pics with them or just mention how you like to spend time with them in your profile. It will attract girls looking to settle down.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 5, 2014 14:41:43 GMT -5
Admittedly I am picky as hell but not really about them having the same education (I have a masters degree). It is more like this: Don't like animals (you're out) Don't like to travel (you're out) Don't think the American Pie movies are hilarious (you're freaking crazy and have no sense of humor ) How YOU doin?
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 5, 2014 14:42:10 GMT -5
So, what standards are acceptable to have? How do you determine if someone is right for you? You obviously have to have some standards when deciding if your date is a good fit for you.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 14:42:34 GMT -5
Well, I have qualifiers on mine...so I am flexible about it. IRL I focus on what those things "mean" in what I want. (And honestly, I often respond to a guys message before I go look at his profile, so I usually don't know off the bat.) So a steady paycheck, time off that corresponds with mine, ability to go out and do activities with me - hopefully to the extent of traveling, and someone that I can hold a conversation with without wanting to shoot one of us in the head.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 5, 2014 14:43:11 GMT -5
Actually, I would consider asking GEL out on a date if she was in the area and interested in doing so. But she has made it clear she thinks she's too old for me, so *shrugs* it's her choice. No hard feelings. I don't know how old GEL is, but I was always under the impression she was in her early to mid 30's. I'd actually also consider doing the same for a couple other posters, like Justme and WVUGURL, but I don't think they're in my area. You are so sweet! Somebody just made for you will come along soon. I'm about 11 years older than you. You are going to make a great dad and kids aren't in my future. If I was younger and was going to have kids, you'd have to beat me away from your door!
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Jun 5, 2014 14:43:40 GMT -5
I don't think it's that your standard is wrong... it's that you've been rejecting the people who show interest in you, while being rejected by the people in whom you show interest, and can't figure out why you aren't having any luck.
Logic would dictate that by instead putting effort toward the people who have already shown you they're interested, you'd have a better chance of making a connection.
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jun 5, 2014 14:44:33 GMT -5
... You obviously have to have some standards when deciding if your date is a good fit for you. Not really.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 14:44:35 GMT -5
And for the record, it's not for lack of trying. I've done mostly online dating, because I don't really see much alternative. I've sent out hundreds of e-mails, and gone on dozens of first dates, but alas, nothing happens. But as I said, I'm not looking for specific advice on how to get out and meet people, I think address the issues above are more important first.
I have passed out and now I can type again... I do not really know how to brake it to you, hiney...there IS something wrong with you. If you can't get internet dating going - we need to do something with you pronto! Or maybe you have gotten someone while this thread is going on? I don't think there is anything wrong with what he said. You have to realize girls get spammed with email on these sites, so it is really hard for a guy to stand out & get a response. Which is why he should not ignore the women that email him , he has already stood out to them.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 5, 2014 14:45:26 GMT -5
Actually, I would consider asking GEL out on a date if she was in the area and interested in doing so. But she has made it clear she thinks she's too old for me, so *shrugs* it's her choice. No hard feelings. I don't know how old GEL is, but I was always under the impression she was in her early to mid 30's. I'd actually also consider doing the same for a couple other posters, like Justme and WVUGURL, but I don't think they're in my area. You are so sweet! Somebody just made for you will come along soon. I'm about 11 years older than you. You are going to make a great dad and kids aren't in my future. If I was younger and was going to have kids, you'd have to beat me away from your door! Hmm, I'm surprised you're 11 years older than me. It must be because you radiate a youthful enthusiasiam.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 14:49:18 GMT -5
Except, uh, make it pretty damn clear that they are not your kids. And I'd avoid it as a profile picture if he'd prefer not to date someone with kids.
I'd prefer not to date someone with kids. I often don't pay attention to the guys with pictures of kids unless it says something that it's not their kid. On the dating sites that have the quick, basically hot or not based on photos - yeah, kid in the photo gets a swipe to the right. Even though I'm definitely looking for a serious relationship and wouldn't mind if the next bf was the guy I married.
ETA: As you can see Phoenix. You can't win for trying and every female is going to have differing opinions and things that make her go NEXT!
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 14:50:26 GMT -5
So, what standards are acceptable to have? How do you determine if someone is right for you? You obviously have to have some standards when deciding if your date is a good fit for you. A few dealbreakers are fine. You said no kids, so ignore women with kids. If you have a very strong religious preference, then stick with that. I have smoking, drinking (beyond socially), and drug use dealbreakers. Beyond that, if he is somewhat attractive & we had a few decent emails, then I would be willing to meet. My dealbreakers are basically lifestyle choices. After the first meeting, then I can sort out how I feel about his education, job and/or career, etc.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jun 5, 2014 14:52:02 GMT -5
Alright, point made about the education. YM always harps on getting a useful degree and how if you don't you'll never earn a good living. I guess times have changed. I think some of the reason I thought that was because I've been reading these boards so long. It still seems a bit strange that when women have standards no one bats an eye, but when I express one standard, it's wrong. But in this case, you're probably right. Some jobs can pay pretty well, no degree required. Maybe go with "intelligent" vs. a certain level of education? Yes, you'll have to talk to a lot more people to figure out if they are or aren't, but the ones you've been talking to haven't been working out anyway so what can it hurt? If Justme had been asking what you're asking I'd tell her the same thing FWIW.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 5, 2014 14:53:04 GMT -5
So, what standards are acceptable to have? How do you determine if someone is right for you? You obviously have to have some standards when deciding if your date is a good fit for you. It's what important to you, Phoenix - not what others consider important. For instance, I would make a crappy mother so I wouldn't get serious with anyone who had custody of small children. Other women don't mind that at all. Education, to me, isn't as important as a strong work ethic. My dad was strictly "blue collar" but he worked his rear off providing for us all. That is more important to me than any degree. It's also important to me that a partner is like minded when it comes to things important to me...including religion, politics, and social issues. I just don't think we "fit" otherwise. Its about what YOU want - not what someone tells you that you want.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jun 5, 2014 14:53:35 GMT -5
Back in my single days, there were four words that worked almost every time to get a girl into bed. I could share them with you if you are interested. How's this chloroform smell? I'm going to guess: You are SO beautiful.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 14:53:58 GMT -5
Except, uh, make it pretty damn clear that they are not your kids. And I'd avoid it as a profile picture if he'd prefer not to date someone with kids. I'd prefer not to date someone with kids. I often don't pay attention to the guys with pictures of kids unless it says something that it's not their kid. On the dating sites that have the quick, basically hot or not based on photos - yeah, kid in the photo gets a swipe to the right. Even though I'm definitely looking for a serious relationship and wouldn't mind if the next bf was the guy I married. ETA: As you can see Phoenix. You can't win for trying and every female is going to have differing opinions and things that make her go NEXT! Absolutely, you don't want to confuse them by thinking they are your kids. No kids in the profile pic. It probably depends on how the site is set up. The one I use has where you put down if you have kids, want kids, and what you prefer in your date. I always look at this because no point talking to a guy that doesn't want a women with kids.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 14:56:30 GMT -5
So, what standards are acceptable to have? How do you determine if someone is right for you? You obviously have to have some standards when deciding if your date is a good fit for you. A few dealbreakers are fine. You said no kids, so ignore women with kids. If you have a very strong religious preference, then stick with that. I have smoking, drinking (beyond socially), and drug use dealbreakers. Beyond that, if he is somewhat attractive & we had a few decent emails, then I would be willing to meet. My dealbreakers are basically lifestyle choices. After the first meeting, then I can sort out how I feel about his education, job and/or career, etc. Angel has said it way more clearer than I have. It's best to have a small number of dealbreakers in the beginning. Things you wouldn't want in the person you marry regardless of anything. It's your first wave of weed outs. You want to weed out the obvious never going to work no matter what - not spread roundup everywhere and hope something still grows that you like.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jun 5, 2014 14:56:54 GMT -5
So, what standards are acceptable to have? How do you determine if someone is right for you? You obviously have to have some standards when deciding if your date is a good fit for you. Just go meet them and then decide. A cup of coffee won't break the bank. Just go out with anybody that gives you the time of day, and honestly, consider it practice! Maybe you'll surprise yourself.
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archrival
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Post by archrival on Jun 5, 2014 14:57:46 GMT -5
Was there a pic of Phoenix ?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 14:59:12 GMT -5
A few dealbreakers are fine. You said no kids, so ignore women with kids. If you have a very strong religious preference, then stick with that. I have smoking, drinking (beyond socially), and drug use dealbreakers. Beyond that, if he is somewhat attractive & we had a few decent emails, then I would be willing to meet. My dealbreakers are basically lifestyle choices. After the first meeting, then I can sort out how I feel about his education, job and/or career, etc. Angel has said it way more clearer than I have. It's best to have a small number of dealbreakers in the beginning. Things you wouldn't want in the person you marry regardless of anything. It's your first wave of weed outs. You want to weed out the obvious never going to work no matter what - not spread roundup everywhere and hope something still grows that you like.
-rofl-This is an awesome analogy!!
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 14:59:59 GMT -5
Alright, point made about the education. YM always harps on getting a useful degree and how if you don't you'll never earn a good living. I guess times have changed. I think some of the reason I thought that was because I've been reading these boards so long. It still seems a bit strange that when women have standards no one bats an eye, but when I express one standard, it's wrong. But in this case, you're probably right. Some jobs can pay pretty well, no degree required. Maybe go with "intelligent" vs. a certain level of education? Yes, you'll have to talk to a lot more people to figure out if they are or aren't, but the ones you've been talking to haven't been working out anyway so what can it hurt? If Justme had been asking what you're asking I'd tell her the same thing FWIW. Geeze, did all my posts that I'm not exclusively looking for a certain level of education get eaten. I swears I don't cross off guys not having a diploma! Of my relationships only one had a college degree.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 15:01:02 GMT -5
Maybe go with "intelligent" vs. a certain level of education? Yes, you'll have to talk to a lot more people to figure out if they are or aren't, but the ones you've been talking to haven't been working out anyway so what can it hurt? If Justme had been asking what you're asking I'd tell her the same thing FWIW. Geeze, did all my posts that I'm not exclusively looking for a certain level of education get eaten. I swears I don't cross off guys not having a diploma! Of my relationships only one had a college degree. You were clear, don't worry.
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