whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jun 5, 2014 12:16:22 GMT -5
Didn't read the thread yet...
I dated a ton in my 20's. None of the guys had ANY of the things you listed in OP and none of them ended up being long term boyfriends. It wasn't necessarily "them", or "me", it just wasn't "us".
Oh lordy, this is going to be a corny and lame as you get - but you really really DO need to be yourself on dates. I could tell within 10 min if a guy wasn't being himself. And I could tell if he was just being nervous or BSing me.
BTW, I make terrible first impressions. One guy who ended up proposing to me later didn't even want to have a second date, my friend talked him into it. My husband still tells stories about how I was on our first two dates, and they are not very flattering stories.
I KNOW you are not going to think of this as helpful, but you need to stop thinking about what is wrong with you so much. You really do. Bc even if there is something really wrong with you, not every person might agree. And you need to stop thinking about dating so much.
the only other thing I would say - don't assume that your date prefers "activity" dates. I would ask first.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Jun 5, 2014 12:18:50 GMT -5
Back in my single days, there were four words that worked almost every time to get a girl into bed. I could share them with you if you are interested. I would love to know!
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 12:20:11 GMT -5
Justme, That's pretty much what I do when online dating. I browse profiles, and if I'm interested I'll send a email. Typically I'll ask one or two questions about their profile. Like, for example, how they chose their profession or how long they've lived in the area or talk about dogs or whatever they mention. I'll then usually conclude by saying I hope to hear from them soon. It's usually pretty short, usually just a couple of short paragraphs. Hmmm, I usually send and receive three e-mails back before asking for their phone number. I'll then usually call them and ask for a date. Maybe that's coming across as too strong? In general though, I feel like dragging out the messenging phase hurts you too, you run out of topics to e-mail about before long. I think 10 is a little too high. Most women will only send you one e-mail a day (which is fine). So 10 days seems like a bit much to get the ball moving. So that's 6 total (3 from her 3 from you), so no that's not too short of a time frame. I meant 10 total, give or take. So asking on your 3rd to 5th message seems like fine timing to me. Guess I should have made that more clear. Though, now that I think about it - how many days we've been talking pushes it more into "too long" than # of messages. There have been a couple of times where I've been online at the same time as the guy and we exchanged 10+ really short messages in the matter of 20-30 mins and I didn't think he took too long in not asking me out til the next day. So to me a short paragraph would be 2-3 sentences and 2-3 of those at most. Or at least that's what I like. Longer than that means even if I want to respond I have to sit and THINK to respond because there's more than a few short things to comment on. To be honest (though take it with a grain of salt since I failed miserably on the pay dating sites) most messages I respond to are about 3 sentences long. For the first one. Once the guy has got my attention for a first response I'm not overwhelmed/too busy for a longer one.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 5, 2014 12:23:13 GMT -5
I feel for you, Phoenix. It's tough out there. For women (at least for this one), it can also be pretty scary. It may be the same for men, but I don't know because I'm not one! You sound like a great guy and I wish I had some suggestions for you. Just know that the ladies you date are probably having the same feelings of nervousness, etc., that you are having. If I did have a suggestion, it would be that you take a couple months off from worrying/thinking about it. Go take some golf lessons, join a community organization, volunteer at your church, help organize your town's 4th of July celebration, join a softball team...get yourself out there. Just work on you. You just might run into someone who is out there trying to develop outside interests for herself and you'll already have something in common! All the best to you. Actually that usually happens by default. I don't constantly try to date. In fact, what usually happens is I'll try to date for a month or two, get disheartened and give up for 4-6 months before getting sick singledom and trying again. Rinse and repeat ad infinitium. Story of my life since I was 22.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Jun 5, 2014 12:24:31 GMT -5
Nothing constructive to offer, but reading this is interesting. I got married at 18 and basically skipped the whole dating phase. If it's any consolation women I know talk about dating like it's a total pain in the ass too.
Keep pursuing the hobbies, join groups for those hobbies, this should lead to a few friendships, and you're more likely to meet somebody compatible through friends. They know both of you and know roughly whether you'll have any interest in each other. Kind of. I've seen mutual friends try to hook up people that are horrible for each other.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jun 5, 2014 12:26:31 GMT -5
Back in my single days, there were four words that worked almost every time to get a girl into bed. I could share them with you if you are interested. Sure, why not? You can PM them to me if they're not for the polite company of YM ladies.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 12:27:26 GMT -5
Ok, I just started dating (ok, I went on one date ), so maybe some advice. First - go to coffee or get a drink on the first date. An activity locks her into a longer timeframe & provides less time for talking. You want to talk...this is like an interview for both of you. Learn about her & if you have any interest in seeing her again. Act interested, have fun, laugh, & flirt - do the best you can with these things, this is what makes a girl want to see you again. Second - set up a second date around the end of the first. It isn't creepy or bad, it shows her you were interested & had fun. In fact, tell her you had fun getting to know her & ask if she would like to get together again. Not doing this makes it seem like you have a lack of interest. The second date you can take her on an activity. Third - don't ask for her number when emailing. It might go over ok, but might come across too strong if she isn't ready. Instead, I would give her your number after you have exchanged 2 or 3 emails. At the end of the message just say "Here is my number if you want to text or talk". She has the option to use it or continue emailing or respond & give you her number. Fourth - maybe it is the girls you are going after. Maybe the 5 going after the 9 situation or just maybe you keep going for girls that aren't looking for something long term. And I disagree with DQ about girls that age not looking to settle down. It probably varies a lot, but virtually all my friends were seriously looking in their mid to late 20s & married by ~30.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 12:27:39 GMT -5
Nothing constructive to offer, but reading this is interesting. I got married at 18 and basically skipped the whole dating phase. I f it's any consolation women I know talk about dating like it's a total pain in the ass too.Keep pursuing the hobbies, join groups for those hobbies, this should lead to a few friendships, and you're more likely to meet somebody compatible through friends. They know both of you and know roughly whether you'll have any interest in each other. Kind of. I've seen mutual friends try to hook up people that are horrible for each other. I haven't had a second date since my last relationship. So my last 2nd date was 11 months ago. Second dates have dwindled a lot as I've gotten older. I tell myself it's because I've gotten older and been able to weed out the bad guys and bad fits a lot quicker.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 12:30:26 GMT -5
Ok, I just started dating (ok, I went on one date ), so maybe some advice. First - go to coffee or get a drink on the first date. An activity locks her into a longer timeframe & provides less time for talking. You want to talk...this is like an interview for both of you. Learn about her & if you have any interest in seeing her again. Act interested, have fun, laugh, & flirt - do the best you can with these things, this is what makes a girl want to see you again. Second - set up a second date around the end of the first. It isn't creepy or bad, it shows her you were interested & had fun. In fact, tell her you had fun getting to know her & ask if she would like to get together again. Not doing this makes it seem like you have a lack of interest. The second date you can take her on an activity. Third - don't ask for her number when emailing. It might go over ok, but might come across too strong if she isn't ready. Instead, I would give her your number after you have exchanged 2 or 3 emails. At the end of the message just say "Here is my number if you want to text or talk". She has the option to use it or continue emailing or respond & give you her number.Fourth - maybe it is the girls you are going after. Maybe the 5 going after the 9 situation or just maybe you keep going for girls that aren't looking for something long term. And I disagree with DQ about girls that age not looking to settle down. It probably varies a lot, but virtually all my friends were seriously looking in their mid to late 20s & married by ~30. Yes to the bold! I'm so tired of guys asking for my number to text - when they're already talking to me through the mobile app on their phone! In short messages already!!! Maybe ask for my # to actually talk to me (though it doesn't bother me if the guy doesn't send me his # until right before we meet up in case I can't find him) but not to keep doing the same thing on the same device just a different app!
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 12:31:25 GMT -5
Here is a dating specialist site, probably similar to the one sunshine mentioned - www.thedatingspecialist.com/blog/This guy is dead on with most of his advice, at least from a girl's perspective. The one thing he keeps repeating that I dislike is that it is ok to ask stuff like "favorite sexual position" on the first date. I would not recommend that, it would really startle & freak me out. But most of his other advice is really good when it comes to flirting & acting interested.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jun 5, 2014 12:32:36 GMT -5
The one thing he keeps repeating that I dislike is that it is ok to ask stuff like "favorite sexual position" on the first dateThat's creepy. If I just met you the last thing I want to know is you prefer doggy style and then ask me what I like.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Jun 5, 2014 12:34:44 GMT -5
Fourth - maybe it is the girls you are going after. Maybe the 5 going after the 9 situation or just maybe you keep going for girls that aren't looking for something long term.
Bill mentioned something here. What was it about the girls that you were NOT interested in? You're not doing well with those that pique your interest, maybe your picker is off?
And I disagree with DQ about girls that age not looking to settle down. It probably varies a lot, but virtually all my friends were seriously looking in their mid to late 20s & married by ~30.
Exactly.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jun 5, 2014 12:37:59 GMT -5
Phoenix84, from what I've come to know of you here, you're a really nice, caring person. I have a feeling you might be so intent on finding someone to add to your life that you're tightening up during those first meetings and presenting as a nervous person, lacking confidence. You ARE good people. You DO have much to offer. You need to KNOW this. Then, just be yourself. Smile, laugh, share. Be you. The kind of person one would attract when pretending to be someone else isn't the kind of person that's going to be with you to share your life. Not only that, but people do sense when another is afraid to be themselves. At least, that's always been my experience. Confidence is king and you get confidence by learning to actually like yourself.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 12:41:46 GMT -5
Take a look at your profile too. You may be turning off girls by something in there you don't realize. One of the biggest mistakes I see is that guys write negative stuff & it makes them sound like a negative person with issues.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 12:43:01 GMT -5
Makes me wonder if I am doing something wrong. I am going on a second date with the first guy I met.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 12:47:53 GMT -5
Another thing you can do is text her not long after the date to tell her you had fun or give her a compliment. The guy I went out with sent me this about an hour after we met for coffee:
FWIW, I hadn't thought he was awkward, but I could tell he was a little nervous. But that compliment absolutely made my day.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 12:51:44 GMT -5
And another thing (sorry, I've kind of got a stream of concious postings going on right now), why are you not talking to the girls emailing you? What is wrong with them? They are much more likely to be in to you because something about you attracted them in the first place.
The girls that you wrote first may not be really in to you, but figure "what the hell" because you wrote some nice messages (I am going on a date like this tomorrow & don't expect there will be a second). But, if they messaged you, then you already know there is definitely something about you she likes.
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sunshinegal1981
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Post by sunshinegal1981 on Jun 5, 2014 12:52:32 GMT -5
Another thing you can do is text her not long after the date to tell her you had fun or give her a compliment. The guy I went out with sent me this about an hour after we met for coffee: FWIW, I hadn't thought he was awkward, but I could tell he was a little nervous. But that compliment absolutely made my day. Angel, will you be going on another date with this guy, out of curiosity?
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 12:54:41 GMT -5
Another thing you can do is text her not long after the date to tell her you had fun or give her a compliment. The guy I went out with sent me this about an hour after we met for coffee: FWIW, I hadn't thought he was awkward, but I could tell he was a little nervous. But that compliment absolutely made my day. Angel, will you be going on another date with this guy, out of curiosity? Yep, we are going for a hike on Monday
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sunshinegal1981
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Post by sunshinegal1981 on Jun 5, 2014 13:00:59 GMT -5
^^^ Nice! Don't catch any ticks! (Hmmmmm.... that's actually a great way to move things to the next level, lol. "We should check each other for ticks. We're both way too cute to die of Lyme disease.")
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 5, 2014 13:08:48 GMT -5
Phoenix met GEL - GEL meet Phoenix. That is a match made in heaven. Seriously, how far apart do you two live from one another...
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jun 5, 2014 13:13:08 GMT -5
I've never done online dating (I got married when the internet was still a toddler). What does a profile look like? Do you just type random info about yourself?
Would you be wiling to share your profile wording with us? Not like a link just copy and paste your "description" or whatever it is.
I'm sure those of us here would be happy to help you polish it up some if you are interested. I'll think about it. My profile text contains more personal info than a picture would, but then again, it's already up for everyone to view anyway so.... If your profile has personal information in it than don't feel you have to share it here. I just thought (based on movies) that there was like a paragraph or description you gave about yourself. That's what I thought we might be able to help with.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 13:19:36 GMT -5
Makes me wonder if I am doing something wrong. I am going on a second date with the first guy I met. FWIW I could be doing something wrong. Second dates used to be easier for me to come by. Like I ended up turning down a recent offer for a second date because it just didn't fit with the guy. I dunno, I'm having a hard time since dating used to be so much easier for me. Well getting dates, my relationships weren't so stellar when I was younger. I honestly think a part of it is most guys think I'm at least 5 years younger than I am if not a lot more. The only times I consistently get guesses over 21 is when I have a drink in my hand. Was at a concert about a week ago and a guy came up to me. He guessed 22, admitting it was mostly because I had a glass of wine in my hand. The guys I want wouldn't be chomping at the bit to date a 21/22 year old, but I look like I'm that young.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Jun 5, 2014 13:22:21 GMT -5
Makes me wonder if I am doing something wrong. I am going on a second date with the first guy I met. FWIW I could be doing something wrong. Second dates used to be easier for me to come by. Like I ended up turning down a recent offer for a second date because it just didn't fit with the guy. I dunno, I'm having a hard time since dating used to be so much easier for me. Well getting dates, my relationships weren't so stellar when I was younger. I honestly think a part of it is most guys think I'm at least 5 years younger than I am if not a lot more. The only times I consistently get guesses over 21 is when I have a drink in my hand. Was at a concert about a week ago and a guy came up to me. He guessed 22, admitting it was mostly because I had a glass of wine in my hand. The guys I want wouldn't be chomping at the bit to date a 21/22 year old, but I look like I'm that young. DO NOT BE SAD ABOUT THIS!! When you are 40 and look 30 you will be extremely grateful! Most people think I am about 10 yrs younger than I am. It is a wonderful, wonderful thing!! I can only hope this continues.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jun 5, 2014 13:24:32 GMT -5
Phoenix met GEL - GEL meet Phoenix. That is a match made in heaven. Seriously, how far apart do you two live from one another... Phoenix would be exactly my type, almost 40...if I were 10 years younger! I'm too old and there are no kids are in my future. He'd make a great partner for someone younger and I sure hope he finds her. He may think he comes across as "emotionless", but I can tell there is a heart of gold inside.
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justme
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Post by justme on Jun 5, 2014 13:27:01 GMT -5
FWIW I could be doing something wrong. Second dates used to be easier for me to come by. Like I ended up turning down a recent offer for a second date because it just didn't fit with the guy. I dunno, I'm having a hard time since dating used to be so much easier for me. Well getting dates, my relationships weren't so stellar when I was younger. I honestly think a part of it is most guys think I'm at least 5 years younger than I am if not a lot more. The only times I consistently get guesses over 21 is when I have a drink in my hand. Was at a concert about a week ago and a guy came up to me. He guessed 22, admitting it was mostly because I had a glass of wine in my hand. The guys I want wouldn't be chomping at the bit to date a 21/22 year old, but I look like I'm that young. DO NOT BE SAD ABOUT THIS!! When you are 40 and look 30 you will be extremely grateful! Most people think I am about 10 yrs younger than I am. It is a wonderful, wonderful thing!! I can only hope this continues. Oh, I know - my mom is 63 but regularly gets guesses 10+ years younger than she is. But it's really frustrating and disheartening that when I go out I get hit on by the stupid college kids that are all still "PARTY!" while the guys my age and early 30s don't come up to me when I'm out.
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Virgil Showlion
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Post by Virgil Showlion on Jun 5, 2014 13:27:43 GMT -5
That's really hard to answer without knowing you in person and interacting with you. Do you have a trusted family member/friend who is willing to be super blunt with you? "Phoneix?" "Yeah?" "You really want me to be honest?" "Yeah, man." "Really?" "Absolutely. Give it to me straight." "..." "Give it to me straight." "... You've got a dog face, man." "What?" "Your face. It's a dog face. You've got a face like a dog." "What the-" "Like a poodle or one of those purse dogs, you know? If you knelt down, people would come up to you and pet you. You know what I mean?" "..." "Sorry man. It's just like that." "..." "Maybe you could find a chick that really likes dogs or something." "..." "Anyway, you still wanna head out for that beer?"
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billisonboard
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Post by billisonboard on Jun 5, 2014 13:28:52 GMT -5
Here is some totally worthless advice from a practical sense but still fun And of course coming from me, it is musical
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Jun 5, 2014 13:32:58 GMT -5
Makes me wonder if I am doing something wrong. I am going on a second date with the first guy I met. FWIW I could be doing something wrong. Second dates used to be easier for me to come by. Like I ended up turning down a recent offer for a second date because it just didn't fit with the guy. I have a feeling second dates are going to be a lot easier than first dates for me. I have a feeling that having 3 young kids is going to scare off most men. I thought for a long time whether to specify # of kids or ages in my profile because of this. But, then I figured why waste my time talking & meeting with guys if this is a deal breaker for them, just stick with the guys ok with the situation from the getgo. Of course, that may mean I only get the desperate men, bleh (or alternately, men more interested in my kids than me, which scares the hell out of me & why no guy is going to meet my kids for a really long time)
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Jun 5, 2014 13:34:42 GMT -5
I do get smiles, winks, and the like, and the occasional e-mail, but usually not from the type of ladies I'm interested in. Why? What's wrong with them? Just curious.
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