Ava
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Post by Ava on May 26, 2014 12:59:13 GMT -5
This thread is a spin-off of the baby shower thread. I attended a birthday yesterday. The "birthday boy" turned 58. I have stopped giving birthday gifts to adults. I used to do it but it was time-consuming and not very satisfactory to me. It mean going to one or several stores and looking for an affordable gift that didn't look too bad. Most of the time I knew that for the amount I budgeted, I couldn't get something the person would really like. When I attend a birthday I always bring an ethnic dish (we are all from the same community) that I know people like but it's too difficult or time consuming to make. That's my contribution to the party and also my gift. Since I started this practice a couple of years ago, nobody ever questioned it. Yesterday, the "birthday boy" and family tried to guilt me for not bringing a gift. It was half joking and half serious. I explained the dessert I brought (dulce de leche ice-cream, made from scratch) was the gift. They explained the gift was something for the adult to use, not something I brought to share. I again explained the dessert was the gift, and yes, he had to share with all of us. I am not angry or upset at what happened; I have way worse problems than that to worry about. In fact, I think is sort of funny they tried to guilt me for not bringing a birthday gift. Personally, I don't see the point of spending $20 or $25 on some crappy gift for adults who are very well-off. Am I wrong? Not that I'm going to change my stance, just wondering.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 26, 2014 13:03:47 GMT -5
Not sure. I'm giving a very nice birthday party for DF who is turning 60. His unappreciative family never celebrated his at all but made sure he knew that THEY wanted and expected for their birthdays. I've had people ask and told them it was up to them. I'm not telling anyone they shouldn't bring a gift to the party. Even a small token might have been a nice gesture. But I'm the kind that brings hostess gifts so that's me. In the south, you'd be ill mannered to come basically empty handed. Other areas are different.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 26, 2014 13:06:02 GMT -5
Wow....totally tacky for someone to complain about not getting a gift!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 13:14:38 GMT -5
Omg, I'd have taken my dessert and hone home...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 26, 2014 13:22:14 GMT -5
It WAS tacky to even mention it. This is true. Is one thing to think you're ill mannered but its ill mannered to mention it.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on May 26, 2014 13:29:09 GMT -5
It WAS tacky to even mention it. This is true. Is one thing to think you're ill mannered but its ill mannered to mention it. The birthday boy's family ought to be ashamed of themselves. As my mom would have said, "Where did these people grow up, in a barn and under a wet log?" <<Note: no offense meant to anyone who owns a barn, grew up in a barn, or on a farm that had one.>>
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justme
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Post by justme on May 26, 2014 13:31:10 GMT -5
It was tacky and unacceptable to ask.
But you can't really call something a gift if the requirement is for it to be shared with everyone. Most people would, but if it's a gift he'd have the choice of sharing it or saving it for another time. Much like hostess gifts are not to be expected to be opened/used unless the host wants to.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on May 26, 2014 13:33:58 GMT -5
I would feel wrong to not bring a gift but probably wouldn't notice not getting one. When my mom would have a birthday party her boyfriend would always come and his birthday was the same week so we said it was a combined party. I didn't know anything he would like but didn't want to not get something and it would have embarrassed mom. They were October birthdays so I would get them each a plant like Kale or something fall flowering. He lived far away so would end up leaving his plant at mom's house. Gifts are not appreciated by adults usually, we don't want or need them but it is nice if people want to get you something. My only retirement gift was a coffee mug, everyone else gave me cash or gift cards, I love the mug but rather usually have nothing.
I think if it was going to be a problem I would just have a stock gift idea like a plant or box of candy or bottle of wine, spend less than $10 and be done with it.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 26, 2014 13:37:42 GMT -5
I was a little surprised when they asked me why I didn't bring a gift. I answered, thinking that would be that. But they kept going at it. Like I said; funny but kind of weird. The point, in my view, is that we already are too materialistic and the biggest gift is being there and having a good time together. No $20 cologne needed.
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morrisr2d2
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Post by morrisr2d2 on May 26, 2014 13:59:39 GMT -5
In most situations I think "asking why you didn't bring a gift" is tacky and they should just be happy that everyone is together and having fun!
But maybe my answer may change depending on how "close" these friends are. If they are very close friends and/or a best friend, maybe it would be different.
In my circle of close friends, everyone brings a birthday card, preferably funny, that the birthday person then passes around for everyone to read and laugh at. Some people bring a reasonable gift, while others bring food or a bottle of wine. All are acceptable.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 14:04:12 GMT -5
I think birthday parties for adults for non-milestone birthdays are ridiculous. and then to be 58 years old and irritated that someone didn't bring you a gift...go out and buy whatever you want, geez.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 14:05:03 GMT -5
If it is your policy not to give adults gifts make sure if you have a birthday party you say loudly and clearly that you don't want gifts. That being said, gifts are the choice of the giver and it is completely tacky to confront someone in a group about it.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on May 26, 2014 14:12:14 GMT -5
This is so off topic, but I need that recipe for dulce de leche ice cream!! YUM.
Ava, you can come to my party with this any time!
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Lizard Queen
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Post by Lizard Queen on May 26, 2014 14:16:12 GMT -5
I so wish adults can get together to celebrate their birthdays without worrying about gifts. It is so difficult getting grown adults gifts that you know that they would like/use. A bottle of wine is fine, but maybe they don't drink? Flowers are good to give a woman, but what do you give a man? I think bringing a dish is great. For my DH's birthday, I wanted to include my friends in the party invite, but I specifically said no gifts. A couple of his friends bought a small gift certificate for him, but it wasn't necessary.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 26, 2014 14:28:51 GMT -5
We don't (the adults in my family) expect to receive gifts for our birthdays from other family members/friends - and nobody is ever pressured into feeling obliged to bring one for the birthday celebrant.
I still bring a token gift & card out of habit - since we've been doing that since childhood - when going to friends' birthday parties.
I (an most members of my family) have everything we need and we don't need any more "dust-collectors", gadgets, or knick-knacks.
We usually give (and get) gift cards - for a favorite restaurant, or movie theater, department store, or other store/shop that specializes in something that the birthday person has an interest in (sporting goods, hobby shop, etc).
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 26, 2014 14:30:15 GMT -5
This is so off topic, but I need that recipe for dulce de leche ice cream!! YUM. Ava, you can come to my party with this any time! Sure I have to translate it for you. Expect a PM from me tomorrow late afternoon, and I'll give you the recipe.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on May 26, 2014 14:31:44 GMT -5
If it is your policy not to give adults gifts make sure if you have a birthday party you say loudly and clearly that you don't want gifts. That being said, gifts are the choice of the giver and it is completely tacky to confront someone in a group about it. I don't say anything, because I also feel ashamed of mentioning gifts. I don't expect people to buy me gifts.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 14:32:53 GMT -5
Ashamed? That's an odd adjective to use.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on May 26, 2014 15:36:05 GMT -5
Thanks, Ava!!
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on May 26, 2014 15:58:01 GMT -5
Ava you making something is a bigger gift than you going out and buying something.
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quince
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Post by quince on May 26, 2014 15:59:48 GMT -5
We're not fans of gift giving. We also don't throw birthday parties for adults, although we might informally get together with friends or family to treat each other to dinner.
We did try to say no gifts for the wedding- while avoiding saying anything about material gifts, because I think the "obligation" to gift someone with something is pretty stupid. Something about welcoming the gift of their presence and/or good wishes.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 26, 2014 16:07:29 GMT -5
I was a little surprised when they asked me why I didn't bring a gift. I answered, thinking that would be that. But they kept going at it. Like I said; funny but kind of weird. The point, in my view, is that we already are too materialistic and the biggest gift is being there and having a good time together. No $20 cologne needed. You did fine, ava. It's not your fault those folks are crass. Next time, bring the darned fool a bright-colored plastic spoon to eat his special ice cream with!
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on May 26, 2014 16:10:31 GMT -5
(dulce de leche ice-cream, made from scratch) was the gift. Don't worry about what others think, just worry about your self, that is what matters. I have never really put any thought into "presents" no matter the occasion, if I find something meaningful to a person, then I give it, if not, I'm not going out of my way to give them some physical gift. By the way I would love something that is hand/home made as opposed to a store bought item.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on May 26, 2014 16:12:37 GMT -5
You were ok, Ava. Don't let them make you feel otherwise. Quite frankly, I think I'd rather have someone bring me a homemade goodie than some sort of trinket.
And I'd like your recipe too, please!
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 26, 2014 16:14:14 GMT -5
Gosh, ava! Enough people want that ice cream recipe, you should include it in our Recipe section!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 26, 2014 16:19:37 GMT -5
Ooh...can you ok the recipe to me, too? Sounds delish!
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milee
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Post by milee on May 26, 2014 16:21:25 GMT -5
Homemade food is always a thoughtful gift. Especially for an adult who should know what time and effort went into it. The relatives were rude to question your gift or lack thereof. But if you want to avoid any awkwardness in the future - some people think a hostess gift or food to share is different than a birthday gift - you could gift the birthday boy with a homemade food that is intended just for him. He can then choose if he wants to share. If it were my birthday, I'd love that someone brought homemade ice cream to share, but I wouldn't necessarily think that was a gift for me. (On the other hand, as an adult, I don't expect gifts, so maybe culturally that's different.) If you want it to be a gift for him, bring him something that he decides whether or not to share. Then you cover all the bases.
Some people just have different ideas about etiquette. Different traditions, different manners, etc. I served a couple of really good, premium ice cream cakes at a birthday party I threw for my sister once. A few months later, my sister's MIL invited me to a Mother's Day party at her house (I'd just had my first baby.) When I accepted the invitation, she said, "great, I'm glad you're coming. Would you bring those ice cream cakes you served at _____'s birthday?" I was surprised and it took me a while to figure out how to respond because I thought it was pretty rude to invite me to a party supposedly to celebrate a special day as a new mom and then after I'd accepted ask me to bring $70 worth of cake to the party...
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on May 26, 2014 16:24:43 GMT -5
I've reached the age where I don't need anything especially if it needs dusting. I have been this way for years now. But the person that shows up with homemade food is a friend for life, like it or not
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Post by Deleted on May 26, 2014 16:26:41 GMT -5
I was a little surprised when they asked me why I didn't bring a gift. I answered, thinking that would be that. But they kept going at it. Like I said; funny but kind of weird. The point, in my view, is that we already are too materialistic and the biggest gift is being there and having a good time together. No $20 cologne needed. Totally inappropriate of them. If they bring it up again just look them in the eye and say "did you want me to write a check right now? because clearly it is all about the money". I would never attend another one of their events because they are greedy a$$holes. The whole conversation is stupid because you are a struggling working student and aren't flush with cash, so I don't see how they can expect you to fund them. When I do adult gifts, or gag gifts, I usually get one of those $15 Lego sets. This only happens for close family or friends and is not obligatory ever. Maybe I want Lego's for myself so I like getting them for others
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on May 26, 2014 16:55:40 GMT -5
May I have the recipe, too ? I toured S.A. in the Youth for Understanding Chorale when I was 17, and was lucky enough to spend a month in Argentina, in B.A. I would love to taste good dulce de leche again. Thank you very much !
Also the birthday boy and his family were very rude, in my opinion. I'm sorry that that happened to you.
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