Apple
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Post by Apple on May 16, 2014 19:50:36 GMT -5
Found out the other night that my son has had a "step mother" for about 2 1/2 years now. I doubt he knows.
We rarely talk about his father, so I don't see myself filling him in, but wonder if I should if he comes up again. The pos lives less than two hours away, but has not made any kind of contact for about 7 years now (we've only seen him 3 times since the divorce 13 years ago).
Anyway, it was a little weird. I have almost no respect for people who abandon their children (I get adoption, so I don't mean that at all). I couldn't imagine marrying someone who had minor kid(s) I've never met, so I'm guessing she's probably not someone I'd have much respect for either.
Chemical burns on my eyes, the sickness from hell, and this. It's been an "exciting" week+...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 16, 2014 19:51:56 GMT -5
She may not know he has a child.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 16, 2014 19:55:39 GMT -5
She may not know he has a child. I thought about that, but there is no way his family could keep it a secret--especially his sister-in-law. Also, if she has anything to do with the finances, she sees the garnishment for child support (I'm guessing she has to because he's been evicted multiple times and constantly has creditors after him, but maybe she's financially stupid too).
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 16, 2014 20:00:37 GMT -5
I'm sure he has told her some story making abandonment of his child your fault. Ugh. I stopped dating a guy because he had a child whose mother made it difficult for him to see her and also was poisoning the child against him. Told him TOUGH, he needed to insist on visitation and stop taking the easy was out of just sending a check. That it played into his EXs hands and hurt his daughter who needed to know her father loved her no matter how his EX spun it. He did for a bit but only if I was along and insisted then stopped. I never told him why I wouldn't see him anymore.
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 16, 2014 20:08:56 GMT -5
I don't know why you call her a "Step-Mother". Neither your x-DH (your child's father) or she are a part of your child's life - so she's not his step.
She's a woman you don't know who's in a relationship with your Ex. She has no involvement with your child - and therefore isn't a "step" anything - even if she's married to him - especially since HE isn't even involved in your child's life.
Don't give her the respect of a title she doesn't own.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on May 16, 2014 20:10:45 GMT -5
When a guy has no contact with his kid, it's always because the mom is a bitch and won't let him see the the child.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 16, 2014 20:11:24 GMT -5
I'm sure his whole family has made me out to be evil, especially since I work and celebrate Christmas and birthdays. He made his choice years ago though, and it's his loss, DS is an awesome kid.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 16, 2014 20:15:43 GMT -5
I hate parents who suck the joy out of a child's life by not celebrating anything fun. Just for the sheer joy of fun. You're a child once.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 16, 2014 20:17:28 GMT -5
I don't know why you call her a "Step-Mother". Neither your x-DH (your child's father) or she are a part of your child's life - so she's not his step.
That's why it's in quotes (and why it says mother, not mom, because there really is a difference, to me, between those terms). Because technically, that's what she is.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on May 16, 2014 20:26:24 GMT -5
Their loss, choosing not to know your son.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 16, 2014 20:28:40 GMT -5
I know from experience that it hurts a child to realize a parent isn't interested in a relationship with them. You can tell the kid all you want that it isn't their fault but they don't believe it. I'm so sorry. Yes, it's a blessing that a turd like that doesn't come around but it still hurts the child down deep.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 16, 2014 20:34:45 GMT -5
I know from experience that it hurts a child to realize a parent isn't interested in a relationship with them. You can tell the kid all you want that it isn't their fault but they don't believe it. I'm so sorry. Yes, it's a blessing that a turd like that doesn't come around but it still hurts the child down deep. It kills me to know how much it hurts my son. He's doing so much better now, but he had some really rough moments. There is also a pure hatred for his father that has developed over the years. He rarely expresses it, but it's there.
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 20:45:11 GMT -5
His bio-dad is a non entity in his life, so no I would not bring up the fact that he remarried. I think it would upset your son to have anything about bio-dad brought up. Apple, what happened that you got chemical burns on your eyes? OMG that is awful. I hope you make full recovery
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 16, 2014 20:49:03 GMT -5
His bio-dad is a non entity in his life, so no I would not bring up the fact that he remarried. I think it would upset your son to have anything about bio-dad brought up. Apple, what happened that you got chemical burns on your eyes? OMG that is awful. I hope you make full recovery I have an open-talk policy with my son. I don't talk about his father, but if there is ever something he wants to know, he can ask and I'll answer. We had some pretty serious discussions last year, but usually there is years in between any mentions of him. I was cleaning with some chemicals and either the spray got behind my eye protection or I accidentally got some chemicals near my eyes when putting on my respirator. No burns on the cornea, so no vision issues, but it burned for a little while and I was sent home for a day to rest them. They're better now, thanks
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Post by Deleted on May 16, 2014 21:26:33 GMT -5
I guess apple's life is a preview of mine minus the child support checks.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on May 16, 2014 21:45:30 GMT -5
IDK, I'd probably say something about the remarriage. Leaving that life changing event out of the narrative could just make for worse really unpleasant/awkward situation in the future - cause someday you may have to explain the re-marriage and the new 1/2 siblings he's got. That could be awkward -- especially when it becomes obvious how long the new relationship has been going on and your son questions how long you've know about it. But, I'd work thru the 'consequences' and have some answers or something prepped for when there's more questions about the marriage (and the possible future siblings). Stuff like this seems to have the worse timing for becoming known -- usually it's at some time of stress or other uncomfortable situations. Just a thought, I've never been in your shoes.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 16, 2014 22:09:38 GMT -5
IDK, I'd probably say something about the remarriage. Leaving that life changing event out of the narrative could just make for worse really unpleasant/awkward situation in the future - cause someday you may have to explain the re-marriage and the new 1/2 siblings he's got. That could be awkward -- especially when it becomes obvious how long the new relationship has been going on and your son questions how long you've know about it. But, I'd work thru the 'consequences' and have some answers or something prepped for when there's more questions about the marriage (and the possible future siblings). Stuff like this seems to have the worse timing for becoming known -- usually it's at some time of stress or other uncomfortable situations. Just a thought, I've never been in your shoes. It's a tough call, because I don't bring the ex up, ever. If my son were to ask if I'd heard anything or knew anything, I'd answer honestly. But, DS is finally having a great year and I don't want to this on him. The siblings part... My ex had a vasectomy while we were still married, so, he can't have kids unless they have that reversed. It has been nice knowing he can't just go out and have/abandon more children. However, if they did have kids, that would definitely be something I would tell my son about when I found out. Somehow that's on a different "level"-- not sure how to explain it. I honestly don't know if the fact that his father can't have more kids has ever come up with my son--I don't think it has, but not 100% sure.
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on May 16, 2014 23:11:38 GMT -5
It sounds to me like you're handling this well with your son as far as communication - and only supplying information on a "need-to-know" basis, or as asked by your son. I don't know his age, but it sounds like he's still fairly young.
Best to handle it as you are an deal with questions about his dad as they arise. No sense dumping a bunch of information or "dirt" on him that he's not yet ready to handle or process. Sounds like you're doing a great job of keeping him on level ground, without him gettng involved in any drama you might have with the ex - who apparently has no interest in even being involved in his life.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 17, 2014 9:11:26 GMT -5
I think I would not say anything. If he brings it up, I'd say I heard it but wasnt sure if it was rumor or not, so let it go. The less you seem concerned about it, the less he will be. He takes his cues from you.
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on May 17, 2014 11:32:53 GMT -5
It's a tough call, because I don't bring the ex up, ever. If my son were to ask if I'd heard anything or knew anything, I'd answer honestly. But, DS is finally having a great year and I don't want to this on him. The siblings part... My ex had a vasectomy while we were still married, so, he can't have kids unless they have that reversed. It has been nice knowing he can't just go out and have/abandon more children. However, if they did have kids, that would definitely be something I would tell my son about when I found out. Somehow that's on a different "level"-- not sure how to explain it. I honestly don't know if the fact that his father can't have more kids has ever come up with my son--I don't think it has, but not 100% sure. This is just for discussion I have no motives nor am I poking AND I don't really need an answer ... Does re-marriage count as a 'life changing event" or "milestone" kinda thing? - and would you tell your son about other 'life changing events/milestones' before he asked or found out about them on his own? What if you heard his dad had been in an accident (and was now disabled or dead?) or what if he got in trouble with the law and was now on trial or going to prison? Or what if he "found God" and was starting to mend relationships (in an awkward "found God" kinda way) or had turned his life around (but was still excluding you guys)... I guess I'm just going down the 'people generally don't stay in 'static' situations for ever -- change happens' path. Again, this is just discussion.
I am positive you will make the best decision for you and your son - no matter which way you go. I can only imagine how hard it can be - even with co-operative ex's.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on May 17, 2014 12:02:30 GMT -5
I don't know why you call her a "Step-Mother". Neither your x-DH (your child's father) or she are a part of your child's life - so she's not his step.
She's a woman you don't know who's in a relationship with your Ex. She has no involvement with your child - and therefore isn't a "step" anything - even if she's married to him - especially since HE isn't even involved in your child's life.
Don't give her the respect of a title she doesn't own. My son always referred to his dad's two other wives as "my dad's wives". Never step mother since he was 16 when we divorced and they had nothing to do with his life. Both wives had kids and he never referred to them as step brother/sisters either. Should say second marriage only lasted 9 months!! His dad's last marriage lasted longer than ours but his dad left the area when son was 18 or 19 and even though he saw him occassionally he didn't consider last wife a step mother.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 17, 2014 12:21:30 GMT -5
It's a tough call, because I don't bring the ex up, ever. If my son were to ask if I'd heard anything or knew anything, I'd answer honestly. But, DS is finally having a great year and I don't want to this on him. The siblings part... My ex had a vasectomy while we were still married, so, he can't have kids unless they have that reversed. It has been nice knowing he can't just go out and have/abandon more children. However, if they did have kids, that would definitely be something I would tell my son about when I found out. Somehow that's on a different "level"-- not sure how to explain it. I honestly don't know if the fact that his father can't have more kids has ever come up with my son--I don't think it has, but not 100% sure. This is just for discussion I have no motives nor am I poking AND I don't really need an answer ... Does re-marriage count as a 'life changing event" or "milestone" kinda thing? - and would you tell your son about other 'life changing events/milestones' before he asked or found out about them on his own? What if you heard his dad had been in an accident (and was now disabled or dead?) or what if he got in trouble with the law and was now on trial or going to prison? Or what if he "found God" and was starting to mend relationships (in an awkward "found God" kinda way) or had turned his life around (but was still excluding you guys)... I guess I'm just going down the 'people generally don't stay in 'static' situations for ever -- change happens' path. Again, this is just discussion.
I am positive you will make the best decision for you and your son - no matter which way you go. I can only imagine how hard it can be - even with co-operative ex's.
Death/deathbed, yes. Accident? Bad enough that his life is hanging in the balance, yes. Accident where he loses an arm but is otherwise ok? No. Disabled? No--not a life changer for son. Remarriage-- not going to go out of my way to tell him. Siblings (not step)-- yes, I'd tell him. Step siblings--has nothing to do with him since father has nothing to do with him, would tell him if he asked. It is weird to try to weigh different situations, but I guess my thought is "does it have an immediate affect on my son?" My son doesn't have siblings, so I kind of see that as a life-changer and feel he should know so that he has the option, immediately or in the future, to try to pursue some relationship if he chooses. Kids are innocent in the whole thing, and this would be a blood relation, so I think that's what puts them on a different level than some woman his dad married. He's never asked if his dad has remarried, so, at least at this point, it's never been something he cared enough to have an answer to. So the father having a "new" wife doesn't seem to be something that would make my son wish to attempt a relationship. Knowing he could lose his father, who he currently hates, may change his feelings enough that he'd want to make contact--or he may still hate him enough that he'd want to make contact to make sure he knows. Basically though, it's all just hard to know what is best.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 17, 2014 12:27:27 GMT -5
I don't know why you call her a "Step-Mother". Neither your x-DH (your child's father) or she are a part of your child's life - so she's not his step.
She's a woman you don't know who's in a relationship with your Ex. She has no involvement with your child - and therefore isn't a "step" anything - even if she's married to him - especially since HE isn't even involved in your child's life.
Don't give her the respect of a title she doesn't own. My son always referred to his dad's two other wives as "my dad's wives". Never step mother since he was 16 when we divorced and they had nothing to do with his life. Both wives had kids and he never referred to them as step brother/sisters either. Should say second marriage only lasted 9 months!! His dad's last marriage lasted longer than ours but his dad left the area when son was 18 or 19 and even though he saw him occassionally he didn't consider last wife a step mother. I think I put it in the "step mother" term to point out that in a "normal" father/son relationship, that is what this woman would be to my son. But with it in quotes, kind of pointing out that you'd think that's what she SHOULD be, but not at all what she is, it's throwing it out there how he has completely abandoned his child. I doubt I explained that right, but the "step mother" is used more in jest than anything. I guess I was being facetious.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 17, 2014 12:40:57 GMT -5
Hmmm... now to make it more interesting...
What if the ex had a life-threatening illness and needed a transplant and my son might be a match, would I tell him...? Well, first, I would think my ex would be responsible for the initial contact (with me or the kid, until then, it's just rumor, right?)
But, honestly, I have no clue if my son would want to know. I do know that when he got his permit he did not want to be put down as an organ donor (I'm one, but he had never thought about it before so he wanted to put "no", knowing he can change it when he gets his license). So, I could say that answers that question, but would that be right? Or, could he decide he wants to do it so he can get to know his father?
I think, if my son brings up the ex again, I'll just run some questions by him--if I found out "x", would you want me to tell you?
The last time we saw him, again, YEARS ago, the ex told him how he would start calling more often (which would be at all), would try to see him more, etc. I told my son that it was up to him. That yes, his father said he would make more of an effort, but that may not happen. So, did he still want to see him (go to lunch with him), if that could be the case. He decided, at that time, it was worth the risk of nothing but broken promises and wanted to go to lunch with him. His dad presented a dream, I just mentioned the other reality that could happen, and left it up to him. I never told him his dad wouldn't do it, just asked him if he was going to be ok if he didn't.
Sometimes it's hard being a parent.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 17, 2014 13:40:59 GMT -5
Not just sometimes.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on May 17, 2014 13:47:32 GMT -5
I'd be worried if my son hated his father.....He will identify as being half this man..... so in a way will be hating himself.
Much better if they can see good in both their parents.....however hard it is for the adults to arrange.
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Value Buy
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Post by Value Buy on May 17, 2014 13:47:45 GMT -5
The "pos" statement you made pretty much sums up everything, and yet, he is the father of your child.
I am sure no matter how you sugarcoat it, the hatred shows through to your child. Sooner or later it always does. Every case I have known has shown it does.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 17, 2014 13:57:21 GMT -5
I'd say nothing. It's really not my place to tell the boy his bio-father is getting married. It's his bio-father's place to share that information. At least, that's the way I look at it. I'd be bringing it up out of the blue, and that just doesn't make any sense to me. Of course, if the boy began to ask questions and those questions led to that sort of discussion, I might convey the information if it was relevant. Right now, with the bio-father not having said anything (or having any sort of contact or interest), it's just not relevant to the boy's life. MOO
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on May 17, 2014 13:59:26 GMT -5
Its very hard. I can remember packing up my babies suitcases.... so they could go and stay with their Dad and the woman he left me for I could have got a freakin Oscar for my performance of "everything is ok" when I was dying inside.
Very glad I did now though....my hurt subsided eventually/// and they grew up pretty well balanced.
I didn't quiz them, use them to manipulate...bad mouth my ex in front of them I wasn't going to hurt those I loved the most.....and am very glad I got the perspective.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 17, 2014 14:03:54 GMT -5
I'd be worried if my son hated his father.....He will identify as being half this man..... so in a way will be hating himself. Much better if they can see good in both their parents.....however hard it is for the adults to arrange. He hates what he knows/remembers, and all he remembers is lies and not being there. As far as I can see he doesn't identify as being half of him. I don't look at my parents that way, so I don't see it that way either. I know I have some of my parent's strengths and weaknesses, but only because I know them. I guess I'm not worried because I've seen that hate in other children who turned out to be great adults. I didn't understand it at all--one girl I knew said she "didn't have a father" and I, being young, tried to explain that she did. It makes sense now, when it didn't then. It's not something that is dwelled upon, but honest about when something comes up. And I can't/won't blame him for how he feels. I've never been there myself, but I can see it make sense.
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