Apple
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Post by Apple on May 17, 2014 14:07:54 GMT -5
The "pos" statement you made pretty much sums up everything, and yet, he is the father of your child.
I am sure no matter how you sugarcoat it, the hatred shows through to your child. Sooner or later it always does. Every case I have known has shown it does. The hatred doesn't come from me. The hatred comes directly from actions/non actions of the father. If I wanted to really dig to see what caused the hate, I'm guessing there is some memory of being choked by his father. But mostly it's the unfulfilled, empty promises, and the lies. And yes, his actions have lead me to conclude he is a pos. My son has come to that conclusion himself as well.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on May 17, 2014 14:08:41 GMT -5
I agree with mmhmm. My dad lived 10 miles away until I was 13 and I rarely ever saw him. He moved out of state and I went and visited him 2 or 3 times. It's been over 16 years since I've seen him and 14 years since we talked. I have a real good idea of what your son went through I'm just an adult version. If your son doesn't ask or doesn't bring it up then I wouldn't either. At this point I don't care what my dad is doing. I don't wish anything bad on him but I can go the rest of my life without hearing from him or about him. At your sons age personally having not talked to him for years I wouldn't want my mom to just mention that he re-married. Everyone is different in how they handle or respond to things like that but if he doesn't ask I wouldn't bring it up or even mention the father any more than he regularly comes up.
Edit - my mom didn't care for my dad and she did her best to hide it. She didn't bad mouth him when I was young and she didn't need to because his actions or rather inaction at a point said all it needed to about him.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 17, 2014 14:10:18 GMT -5
I agree with mmhmm. My dad lived 10 miles away until I was 13 and I rarely ever saw him. He moved out of state and I went and visited him 2 or 3 times. It's been over 16 years since I've seen him and 14 years since we talked. I have a real good idea of what your son went through I'm just an adult version. If your son doesn't ask or doesn't bring it up then I wouldn't either. At this point I don't care what my dad is doing. I don't wish anything bad on him but I can go the rest of my life without hearing from him or about him. At your sons age personally having not talked to him for years I wouldn't want my mom to just mention that he re-married. Everyone is different in how they handle or respond to things like that but if he doesn't ask I wouldn't bring it up or even mention the father any more than he regularly comes up. Thanks for the "been there" opinion.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 17, 2014 14:12:31 GMT -5
Edit - my mom didn't care for my dad and she did her best to hide it. She didn't bad mouth him when I was young and she didn't need to because his actions or rather inaction at a point said all it needed to about him. This is exactly how I've tried to handle it.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on May 17, 2014 14:17:03 GMT -5
I'm not so sure. I didn't see my father because my mother made such a performance and I didn't want to hurt her. Father was an F word in our house because of the hurt he had caused her.
.....but I'm not like her. The green eyes and blond hair are his.....I'm half someone else and always resented the fact that I couldn't see him.
I grew up...left...and didn't look behind.... but have always determined not to put my kids through what I went through.....from those who were supposed to protect me.
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souldoubt
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Post by souldoubt on May 17, 2014 14:27:31 GMT -5
When you're a kid of divorced parents generally the one you don't live with can get some kind of visitation rights or come visit. They're the adult and should be making an effort. If they don't that's on them and not a child. No matter how bad it gets between the parents they should care about the kid enough to want to be a part of their life and work out some kind of arrangement to make that happen. I'm biologically half my dad but the main thing I ever took away from him is what type of parent I never want to be.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on May 17, 2014 14:44:51 GMT -5
Edit - my mom didn't care for my dad and she did her best to hide it. She didn't bad mouth him when I was young and she didn't need to because his actions or rather inaction at a point said all it needed to about him. This is exactly how I've tried to handle it. As kids get older, the tenor of conversations concerning an estranged parent changes. I always tried to answer my children's questions in an age-appropriate manner - keeping it at a level they could understand with no infusion of my emotions concerning the subject. It worked well for us. If they didn't bring it up, there was no discussion of their bio-father. If they did bring it up, their questions were answered without fanfare, as well as I could and only if I had the information they were requesting. Once they were young adults the questions became more pointed. They wanted answers and they got MY answers, which is what they were asking for. These answers were prefaced by: "Please remember, you've asked me for my feelings and opinions. I don't like the man, so my feelings and opinions are pretty negative; however, they are completely true from my point of view." That seemed to work for them. Their bio-father passed away at the age of 50. My daughter detests him and always has but doesn't dwell on it. She's the oldest. My son just kinda shrugs him off but has said he felt sorry for him. He was concerned when he married a woman with children because he didn't want to be the kind of father his bio-father had been. I think the vision of that frightened him; however, he's been a wonderful dad to those three kids and that fear dissipated in the doing. Now, they're both successful people with good marriages and are really remarkable individuals. That's what's important, in the end.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on May 18, 2014 18:54:05 GMT -5
I will never understand someone that just walks away from their child like that. This isn't about adoption, this is about a man being in his child's life for several years and then walking away. How the hell can anyone do that? What sucks is that it is the innocent child that suffers
No, I would not bring the new wife up to your son. Just my opinion but there is no reason to rub salt on his wounds. His father doesn't care enough about him to make time for him but he has time for another woman? That is how I would see it if I were the child.
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milee
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Post by milee on May 18, 2014 20:23:30 GMT -5
When a guy has no contact with his kid, it's always because the mom is a bitch and won't let him see the the child. I asked my dad about this when I was an adult. Dad, you knew after you left that we lived in a house that was later condemned, didn't have heat or AC, sometimes didn't have food, basically looked like street urchins... why did you leave us living like that while you went to live in a nice house in an upscale neighborhood sending your other children to private schools?
He explained that he had no choice, that our mom was crazy and he couldn't live with her because she was so awful.
So I asked why - if she was so crazy and awful - did it make sense to leave his children there?
He said it was just easier that way. Guess he got some points for honesty there because it was much easier for him... But yes, if the mom is a bitch, or crazy, or psycho, or whatever, that's when it's even more important for the dad to stick around and be part of the kids' lives.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on May 18, 2014 20:36:42 GMT -5
So I asked why - if she was so crazy and awful - did it make sense to leave his children there?
He said it was just easier that way. Guess he got some points for honesty there because it was much easier for him...
You said recently that you have no contact with your mother. May I ask if you are sending your father a card for Father's Day?
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milee
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Post by milee on May 18, 2014 21:21:36 GMT -5
So I asked why - if she was so crazy and awful - did it make sense to leave his children there?
He said it was just easier that way. Guess he got some points for honesty there because it was much easier for him...
You said recently that you have no contact with your mother. May I ask if you are sending your father a card for Father's Day? No. I have tried as an adult to have a relationship with him. Even with trying to set clear boundaries and keep my expectations low, it's just really hard to do. He's not outwardly nutty and abusive like my mom, but he's still the same selfish uncaring person and is completely unapologetic, willing to acknowledge or change that. I really wanted my kids to know at least one of their grandparents on my side but when he started being selfish and neglectful of them, too, I realized that he's just not capable of being a decent person and I don't want to set them up for the future hurt I know they'll go through if I let things continue.
Of my two parents, he's definitely been more functional in society. He's been able to work, have a second wife and interact socially with some friends, none of which my mother was really able to successfully do. But he's incredibly callous and selfish - his statement about how it was much easier for him to just leave and not interact was delivered completely deadpan without any inkling that this might be an issue for his children, for example. After he first met my fiancée (who I am now married to), his exact words were very close to this: "Wow, ____ is terrific! He's an engineer, has a great career, is handsome, drives a nice car - he's got it all! What do you think he wants with you?"
I have no idea why I was so stupid, but I kept thinking that he would be a good grandparent to my boys because he so desperately wanted boys (that's how he ended up with 6 daughters), but he has done some really selfish, neglectful things the few times he took them out, so I learned the hard way that it's not just directed at me - he's just a jerky person. I do not have the well of patience and understanding that it would take to have a "relationship" with him at this point. I've tried so hard to be a good wife and parent to my boys and create a good life for us, I'm not sure how to even begin to try to integrate how my family lives now with how he lives and treats me/us.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2014 21:35:31 GMT -5
"He explained that he had no choice, that our mom was crazy and he couldn't live with her because she was so awful."
Same poor excuse from a lot of guys. Even if it is the case, that doesn 't mean you should abandon your kid.
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milee
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Post by milee on May 18, 2014 21:45:39 GMT -5
And oped's point about people either reinventing themselves or being completely unself-aware on online dating profiles is spot on with my dad, as well.
Some facts about dad: - Abandoned 2 children to live with a crazy woman in unsafe and outright abusive conditions. Was not only aware of the issues, but even made fun of the situation (comments about how the house stunk if he visited or telling us he was embarrassed to take us places because our clothes were ratty) while he drove a luxury car and lived in a nice house. - Of the 6 children he fathered or raised, 3 are severe addicts and two are so emotionally stunted that they have never had - and probably will never have - a long term relationship. Four of the six will never have children. - Three of the six don't have any relationship with him and 2 only talk to him when they need him to bail them out. - Once when I made an offhand comment about how I knew I wasn't the favorite kid and that I just hoped I wasn't the least favorite, replied with, "Oh, you're not the least favorite, that's ______. You're #4 on the list right after _____." He wasn't joking. This is a good example of his lack of awareness about what is and isn't appropriate to say to children. - Another good example of his judgment regarding children was when he made a huge deal of how we never spent Christmas with him and insisted we spend a Christmas with him. My full sister and I were around 6 or 7. When we got there, his new wife (who viewed us as a potential threat) made us sleep on the floor in the living room, even though they had a six bedroom house with guest room. On Christmas morning, her kids had piles of presents - electronic games, jewelry, clothes, etc. My full sister and I each got a package of underwear. When we asked him about that, he shrugged and said that Christmas wasn't really a big deal to him and that [the new wife] did the shopping and that's what she got. Let's just say we didn't feel the love.
Want to know the user name he chose for online dating? "Superdadofsix"
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on May 18, 2014 21:48:00 GMT -5
Holy shit.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on May 18, 2014 21:51:27 GMT -5
It's so unfathomable how cruel some parents are.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2014 22:34:38 GMT -5
Sometimes I poke 'like' when what I really mean is 'understand' or 'Empathize', or 'sing it sister'...
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milee
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Post by milee on May 18, 2014 22:45:21 GMT -5
I know and understand.
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2014 22:56:36 GMT -5
Milee, i am so sorry you had to put up with those ignorant comments from your own father. This just shows some people are not meant to be parents. (Of course i am glad he was one so we could have you here).
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2014 22:57:34 GMT -5
I'm usually pretty good, but my father once told a group of people, in complete seriousness, about how easygoing he is... I almost choked.
He's a weird mix of reinventing himself but doing it all the same, over and over again.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on May 18, 2014 23:04:48 GMT -5
I'm sorry you had to go through that.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2014 23:07:15 GMT -5
My father has been in my life all my life. He has been a good father for the most part. However, within the last year or so he has been so horrible, mostly to my mom. My parents are divorcing after 40 years. And i have cut him out of my and my son's life completely. He has turned into a complete jerk (to say it nicely)!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2014 23:10:17 GMT -5
How old is he? Sudden, abrupt personality change can be a sign of illness...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2014 23:14:17 GMT -5
65-66 somewhere around there. He has always been somewhat like this but it was much more mild. Now he is a complete thoughtless jacka$$. I cannot even believe this is my father i am talking about.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2014 23:19:30 GMT -5
Well it could be that mom tempered what was his personality all the while. But early Alzheimer's, medication side effects, several things can also cause personality changes, so if someone is still close yo him, a checkup might be in order.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on May 18, 2014 23:25:00 GMT -5
Milee, I am so sorry! Now, I know this is OT - but I am curious (as I have been very curious in the whole nature vs nurture thing ever since I had kids - milee -how do you explain that you are the only one who "turned out" so well?
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milee
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Post by milee on May 18, 2014 23:35:58 GMT -5
Milee, I am so sorry! Now, I know this is OT - but I am curious (as I have been very curious in the whole nature vs nurture thing ever since I had kids - milee -how do you explain that you are the only one who "turned out" so well? I don't know that I necessarily turned out super well. I'm an average parent and wife and even that requires a huge amount of effort on my part, but I consider that average status hard-won and am happy with it. One of my sisters is probably more financially successful than I am. Another is a more caring mom but pretty tough on her DH.
Of the six, I have spent the most time looking at how we grew up, figuring out what my strengths and weaknesses were/are, deciding how I want to live and making very large moves to get there. One positive thing I got out of a tough childhood was becoming very tough myself, so I've used that to do the hard things or hard work that it's taken to make big changes. But I still do some really dumb things - like try to have a relationship with my dad.
So I hope the OP isn't too hard on her son if he still sometimes wants a relationship with the dad, even though they both know what a jerk the dad is.
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Post by Deleted on May 18, 2014 23:44:10 GMT -5
"Well it could be that mom tempered what was his personality all the while. But early Alzheimer's, medication side effects, several things can also cause personality changes, so if someone is still close yo him, a checkup might be in order."
He has been an a$$ to my mom when she lost her younger brother about 1.5 years ago somewhat unexpectedly. Then right after new year my grandma (my mom 's mom) passed away completely unexpected. He has been so awful during both losses. He has been horrible to my mom and myself when i visited. So i know it has nothing to do with my mom triggering anything. I don't know, maybe my sister could talk to him to get checked out. She is at least on talking terms mainly because she hasn't witnessed the behaviors herself. Let's put it this way, i told him flat out i wished he died instead of my grandma and that i prayed he would die when he got the flu (the same one that caused my grandma to pass away).
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Apple
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Post by Apple on May 18, 2014 23:47:41 GMT -5
So I hope the OP isn't too hard on her son if he still sometimes wants a relationship with the dad, even though they both know what a jerk the dad is.
He has often wanted his *dad* to want a relationship with him, but that's out of my control. It would make me happy if he could end up with a decent relationship, but if he got hurt again I'd want to kick the dad's ass. I could never fault my son for trying, hoping, or wishing.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on May 19, 2014 7:42:50 GMT -5
Milee, i am so sorry you had to put up with those ignorant comments from your own father. This just shows some people are not meant to be parents. (Of course i am glad he was one so we could have you here).
I think his dating screen name would put off more women than it would attract.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on May 19, 2014 7:46:28 GMT -5
It was VERY hard for me to accept my mom for what she really was. I was a GROWN adult, too, not a child. I remember as a child desperately wanting my mother to love me and thinking something was wrong with me because she didnt. It's very hard to work through that.
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