It's not fair.

[milee]

Two close friends that are going through things that are just not fair. And I'm angry and frustrated and so incredibly sad. 

R is one of the smartest, most interesting people I've ever known.  She's been a pilot (before women were pilots), an explorer and champion sailor, even winning the top woman sailor in the world championship in her boat a few years ago when she was in her late 60s.  So she's impressive in every way.  Active, fun, engaging, gives huge amounts to charity and is just someone that is a spark.  Always off on an adventure.  But recently, she's seemed a little different.  She's been forgetting things and seems confused - which is totally and completely out of character.  Also - there's really no PC way to put this - but she's been nicer.  Sweet, mild and agreeable.  Again - totally and completely not in character for someone known for her ascerbic wit.  Last week, a few things happened and I called her daughter.  It was an awkward conversation because I love her mom and just wanted to let the daughter know what I'm seeing so she can encourage her mom to get a thorough checkup.  The daughter (who I'm also friends with) started crying and confessed that she's been seeing it too but the rest of the family is in denial.  We are both fairly sure that the dad also suspects and that's why they've been doing extra travelling to see all the places they've always wanted to see.  It's just so terribly, horribly awful to think that someone so full of life and sharp is likely to be slowly losing her memory and may end up spending the last decade of her life in a way that she would never want to live. 

At the same time, my other friend B is also struggling.  Similar to R, B was a trailblazer before women were trailblazers.  She is smart, funny, caring and also an excellent sailor.  Sailed in some of the most technical, difficult classes - foiling Moths and Lasers - before women really did that.  B is that rare combination of tough as nails yet incredibly kind and was a kindergarten teacher.  A few years ago, our area had a man that started as a serial rapist and then escalated into a serial rapist/killer.  She was his third victim.  She lived alone and similar to his other victims, he watched her for days before ambushing her in her house, tying her up and beating her severely over a period of hours with a wine bottle from her own kitchen.  Unlike later victims, she lived and we are all very grateful for that.  But she suffered a traumatic brain injury and many other serious injuries that are still causing her problems several years later.  The case was very frustrating for a few reasons.  First was that although the MOs were very similar and the perpetrator left DNA at most of the scenes, there were 5 victims before the police even linked the crimes and figured out it was the same guy.  He continued doing this for several years, escalating until he killed at least two of them and was only caught because of a random event, not police working on the cases.  The guy was involved in a bar fight and he beat up the other man so badly that the police took note of the unusual level of violence and started checking into him.  When they did some more investigation and searched his home, they found items that had been taken in the string of rapes/killings.  (I know this will sound bitter and is probably just me being sensitive because my friend was a victim, but I just burn with anger when I think that if a man is beaten up too badly in a bar fight, the police get all over investigating that, but a series of women are ambushed, beaten, raped and some even killed but that's not enough to get sufficient police action to find the guy...)  The worst thing about the case is that the guy had previously served a 10 year sentence for a violent crime, so had to give a DNA sample upon release.  Why weren't the police able to match the DNA sample on file to the ample DNA he left at the crime scenes?  Because the FBI - who was in charge of updating the database - had a two year backlog of entering the DNA profiles of ex-cons into the database.  So if the database had been updated, this guy would have been caught after the first attack (which was the least severe, but still awful) and my friend and all those other women wouldn't have been attacked.  So he's on death row, but my friend is still in pain, had to quit her job because she suffers from debilitating headaches and memory loss and can't do many of the things she loved and was incredibly good at.

These are women I love, admire and always aspired to emulate.  They are going through some really horrible things through no fault of their own and for at least one of them, it's only going to get worse.  I'm sad, I'm frustrated and I'm venting.

And - selfish bitch alert - I'm not just sad for them but this whole thing shakes me to the core because one of the ways I've gotten past a difficult childhood was through the belief that I could take control and not eliminate, but at least steer my own life as an adult.  When I see these people I respect and admire who have little to no chance of recovering EVER from something that they didn't cause and couldn't prevent, it scares me.  Ugh, that feels awful just typing.  It isn't fair and it takes me back to feeling like a sad, lost kid.  But the difference here is that as a kid I always had the hope that if I just outlasted things, got a good degree, worked hard and made good choices I wouldn't have to ever live through anything awful long term and even when bad things happened, I figured I'd be able to work my way out of them.  Obviously, that's not true and what's happening to my friends is hard for me not just because I love them but because I hate understanding that much of the comfort I had in controlling things is a nice illusion.  It's not fair. 

 

[giramomma]

Apr 28, 2014 10:04:40 GMT -5 milee said:

Obviously, that's not true and what's happening to my friends is hard for me not just because I love them but because I hate understanding that much of the comfort I had in controlling things is a nice illusion.  It's not fair. 

 

I'm sorry. This is so true. It's rather shocking when you realize how little control you have over things. In my case, it also slowed my thought process down. I'm much more present in today and have much more gratitude for my life.

[midjd]

I'm sorry, Milee.  And very sorry for your friends. They both sound like amazing women.

I agree about control being an illusion. Bad things can and do happen to even the strongest, most capable people. It's a scary realization.

[NancysSummerSip]

It's extraordinary that you were able to post all of that, Milee.<br><br>I know the pain of a loved one with memory loss. Grandfather went through it. My dad had the beginnings of it, before a heart attack took him. Grandmother had dementia as well.<br><br>And our community had a serial rapist operating for about two years; he was finally caught about a month ago, after committing at least five rapes, one so violent that the victim eventually died of her injuries. When I say "at least five rapes," I mean five in this area that he can be tied to by DNA evidence. There may be more. His violence included beating and biting his victims. One of the victims who lived was so badly assaulted, she was unrecognizable to members of her own family. <br><br>You are a good person for hanging with these ladies, Milee. They need you now more than ever, painful though it may be. They still have a lot to teach you, even at this time. <br>

[milee]

Of course I'm sticking with them.  Not only are they my close friends but they've also been wonderful mentors to me. Sometimes it's hard to know how best to help, though.  Encouraging them and helping them to sail is a good example. With R, she's happier if I don't encourage her to sail because it upsets her that she's not winning the regattas and she can't understand why she's not doing well, so it frustrates her. B is the opposite, no matter how much she claims she's forgotten and will just hinder us, I drag her along and let her know how valuable she is and we all have a great time. 

Maybe some of that is due to their choice of handling their issues, though. R may still be in a little self-denial and is actively doing things to cover up her memory lapses to hide them from others, even her family. B is very forthright about having a TBI, tells people that she may forget who they are but is trying hard to be active.

Maybe it's just better to tell people your limitations and not hide them. That's scary. Feels vulnerable.

[bookkeeper]

Unfair things happen everyday to good people. Car accidents, cancer, theft, disease and so on.  Sometimes these bad things give people like you an me an opportunity to love and care for our friends and family in ways that would not have occurred previously. As an example,  I have had more meaningful discussions with my father in the last two years (since his cancer has advanced) that we had in the 48 prior years.

Life is much easier for us to process when there is a cause and effect for pain and suffering (think smoking = lung cancer).

When bad things drop out of the blue sky, it is much harder for humans to work through.  This is why each of us needs to make the most of every day.  Don't take people and blessings for granted.  Engage yourself with the people your friends are today.  Mourning for who they were in the past serves no purpose.  After they are gone, your opportunity will be too.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

When I see these people I respect and admire who have little to no chance of recovering EVER from something that they didn't cause and couldn't prevent, it scares me. Ugh, that feels awful just typing. It isn't fair and it takes me back to feeling like a sad, lost kid. But the difference here is that as a kid I always had the hope that if I just outlasted things, got a good degree, worked hard and made good choices I wouldn't have to ever live through anything awful long term and even when bad things happened, I figured I'd be able to work my way out of them. Obviously, that's not true and what's happening to my friends is hard for me not just because I love them but because I hate understanding that much of the comfort I had in controlling things is a nice illusion. It's not fair.

No, it's not fair. And you are correct, having control over your life is very much an illusion because in one shit moment, it can be gone. And those shit moments can hit you out of the blue, when you least expect them.

As an adult, it is very difficult to work your way through.

[constanz22]

milee- I am so so sorry, both for your friends and for you.  I will tell you a little of my recent story, not for sympathy, but again, to drive home the fact that you just "never know" what the future holds, for any of us.  I am 44, never married, no children, always worked my butt off and fiercely independent.  Over the past few years, I have been dealing with more and more really strange health issues, one right after another, some that remain, some kind of come and go.  But, I have recently received a couple different diagnoses that likely are going to have a significant impact on my quality of life (already have for a couple years, but at least now I "know" why).  Anyway, there is a very real possiblity, at some point, I may have to persue disability.  Not in a million years would I have thought at the age of 44 that this is a turn my life would take.  I try not to think about it too much right now or I may just completely give up.  Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your post, but it definitely hit a nerve with me.

[resolution]

I am so sorry about what has happened to your friends. It can be terrifying to think about how one's life can change in a moment and never be the same again. That is why it is so important to balance life now with future plans.

I think that is also why so many belief systems stress an afterlife or coming back in another life as a way to account for the basic unfairness and our helplessness in many circumstances.

I think you are taking the right approach with your friends,  encouraging and helping them while keeping their preferences under consideration. You may want to talk with R's daughter again to make sure she is seeing a neurologist and getting some kind of treatment. Although there is no cure, there are some medications that may delay deterioration and may help her to make the best of the time that she has. That is such a tough road. 

[Deleted]

but I just burn with anger when I think that if a man is beaten up too badly in a bar fight, the police get all over investigating that, but a series of women are ambushed, beaten, raped and some even killed but that's not enough to get sufficient police action to find the guy...)

To give the police a bit of a break, they didn't have to look for the perpetrator with the bar fight. They had him.

I'm sorry for the changes in your friend's lives. Accepting the unfairness of life and finding happiness in spite of it is one of the hardest things I've had to master.

[milee]

Apr 28, 2014 11:16:25 GMT -5 constanz22 said:

milee- I am so so sorry, both for your friends and for you.  I will tell you a little of my recent story, not for sympathy, but again, to drive home the fact that you just "never know" what the future holds, for any of us.  I am 44, never married, no children, always worked my butt off and fiercely independent.  Over the past few years, I have been dealing with more and more really strange health issues, one right after another, some that remain, some kind of come and go.  But, I have recently received a couple different diagnoses that likely are going to have a significant impact on my quality of life (already have for a couple years, but at least now I "know" why).  Anyway, there is a very real possiblity, at some point, I may have to persue disability.  Not in a million years would I have thought at the age of 44 that this is a turn my life would take.  I try not to think about it too much right now or I may just completely give up.  Sorry, I didn't mean to hijack your post, but it definitely hit a nerve with me.

It's not a hijack at all - it's right on topic and target. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[milee]

Apr 28, 2014 11:21:27 GMT -5 resolution said:

You may want to talk with R's daughter again to make sure she is seeing a neurologist and getting some kind of treatment. Although there is no cure, there are some medications that may delay deterioration and may help her to make the best of the time that she has. That is such a tough road. 

That's why I made that awful, uncomfortable, buttinski call. Trust me, I'd rather be dipped in hot oil than call and talk to a daughter about something like this. Believe it or not, her daughter thinks her mother may already be taking some of this medication but not telling the rest of the family.  R's fiercely independent and I'm guessing the idea of slowly losing her mind is just about the worst thing she can think of so she's not ready to face it or discuss it.

[milee]

Apr 28, 2014 11:42:17 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

but I just burn with anger when I think that if a man is beaten up too badly in a bar fight, the police get all over investigating that, but a series of women are ambushed, beaten, raped and some even killed but that's not enough to get sufficient police action to find the guy...)

To give the police a bit of a break, they didn't have to look for the perpetrator with the bar fight. They had him.

Yes, that's true. It's much harder to find an unknown suspect than to dig into the situation of a person who is already known to them. Intellectually I get it, emotionally I'm just angry and probably misdirecting it.

[Deleted]

Sorry to hear about your friends milee.  I have a grandmother that's been going down the dementia trail for a number of years now and it sucks.  She was an insanely strong woman.  I think I posted this once before, but she was a master's swimmer into her 80's regularly kicking the asses of men half her age in races.  Now she doesn't even know who her kids/grandkids are half the time and is upset she's in a home and not understanding why she can't do her morning swims.

[milee]

I'm sorry about your grandmother, mpl. I wonder if there are homes that do have pools? The liability risk would be huge, so maybe none do, but it would seem swimming might be a wonderful therapy and activity for many older people.

[Deleted]

I'm not sure this is a good or bad attitude, but I've gotten to the point where I'm just fed up with making any plans for my life.  It's just one derailment after another and then you die it seems.  Maybe the "Don't Worry, Be Happy" go with the flow folks have it right. 

[milee]

Apr 28, 2014 12:49:46 GMT -5 minnesotapaintlady said:

I'm not sure this is a good or bad attitude, but I've gotten to the point where I'm just fed up with making any plans for my life.  It's just one derailment after another and then you die it seems.  Maybe the "Don't Worry, Be Happy" go with the flow folks have it right. 

I'm a little envious of that sometimes. Other times, just thinking about it makes me twitch a little.

[bookkeeper]

Things can get better for people with memory problems. My neighbor's mother was diagnosed about 10 years ago with memory loss. Her husband was able to care for her at home until his recent stroke put an end to him being her caregiver. The family put the mother in a nursing home and the dad got to go home to their house after the stroke. The mother is doing much better with more stimulation from other people in her day to day life. When she lived at home, she slept half the day away. She still wants to go home, but her husband can see her everyday and he no longer has the stress of trying to be a full time care giver.

My own mother was having some serious memory and judgement issues as my dad's cancer was becoming more advanced. She was acting as his caregiver and the stress of possibly losing her partner of 58 years was pushing her over the edge. Thankfully, dad's cancer treatments have worked and they are both much better. She still struggles with finding words when she is tired, but she's not making coffee with water out of the dehumidifier anymore (yuk!)

[sesfw]

MPL ........ at my age of 72 I've found life to be a lot easier going with the flow. And if I can't do that, then I try to avoid the problem. I know I miss a lot of life being like this but it is easier.

[swamp]

Apr 28, 2014 12:13:38 GMT -5 milee said:

Apr 28, 2014 11:21:27 GMT -5 resolution said:

You may want to talk with R's daughter again to make sure she is seeing a neurologist and getting some kind of treatment. Although there is no cure, there are some medications that may delay deterioration and may help her to make the best of the time that she has. That is such a tough road. 

That's why I made that awful, uncomfortable, buttinski call. Trust me, I'd rather be dipped in hot oil than call and talk to a daughter about something like this. Believe it or not, her daughter thinks her mother may already be taking some of this medication but not telling the rest of the family.  R's fiercely independent and I'm guessing the idea of slowly losing her mind is just about the worst thing she can think of so she's not ready to face it or discuss it.

My mother is going through the same things.  It sucks to see a formerly very sharp, sarcastic, witty person become a dazed shell who can't follow conversations. 

I have been on the receiving end of those phone calls.  Not pleasant.  I appreciated their concern, and I didn't think it was buttinski at all.   But I'm aware of the situation and I know I can't fix it or make it better.   It's even worse for my dad who is a "fixer."  It's one thing he can't fix.

And the whole DNA backlog thing, stuff like that pisses me off about the smaller government people.  Yes, government is wasteful and has lots of redundancies, and pet projects, etc.  But needed and beneficial services like that get the shaft in the name of budget cuts.

[Phoenix84]

Milee, were you the poster that talked about a Friend in Canada who was having all kinds of medical issues, or was that someone else?  Seems like you have a bond with older folks, nothing wrong with that, just an observation.

Anyway, sorry you and your friends are going through this.  It's unfortunate, but it's one of the facts of life that aging and illness will catch up with the just and unjust sooner or later.  It's a road we'll all have to take one day.  I guess the best you can do is celebrate aging and be there for your friend.

As for the other friend, again, it's unfortunate bad things happen to good people like that, but try not to let it get you down.  Just be there for your friend and help her where you can.  I'm sure that will mean a lot.

[The Walk of the Penguin Mich]

Milee, were you the poster that talked about a Friend in Canada who was having all kinds of medical issues, or was that someone else?

That was me.

[milee]

Apr 28, 2014 13:42:51 GMT -5 Phoenix84 said:

Milee, were you the poster that talked about a Friend in Canada who was having all kinds of medical issues, or was that someone else?  Seems like you have a bond with older folks, nothing wrong with that, just an observation.

Anyway, sorry you and your friends are going through this.  It's unfortunate, but it's one of the facts of life that aging and illness will catch up with the just and unjust sooner or later.  It's a road we'll all have to take one day.  I guess the best you can do is celebrate aging and be there for your friend.

As for the other friend, again, it's unfortunate bad things happen to good people like that, but try not to let it get you down.  Just be there for your friend and help her where you can.  I'm sure that will mean a lot.

Thanks for the good wishes. I may have mentioned some of the issues of one of these friends before; she has a summer home in Canada. Living in Florida, we all have older friends since there are so many older people here. It's been good for me - I'm surrounded by so many models for healthy, active aging. 

[milee]

Apr 28, 2014 13:38:44 GMT -5 swamp said:

Apr 28, 2014 12:13:38 GMT -5 milee said:

That's why I made that awful, uncomfortable, buttinski call. Trust me, I'd rather be dipped in hot oil than call and talk to a daughter about something like this. Believe it or not, her daughter thinks her mother may already be taking some of this medication but not telling the rest of the family.  R's fiercely independent and I'm guessing the idea of slowly losing her mind is just about the worst thing she can think of so she's not ready to face it or discuss it.

My mother is going through the same things.  It sucks to see a formerly very sharp, sarcastic, witty person become a dazed shell who can't follow conversations. 

I have been on the receiving end of those phone calls.  Not pleasant.  I appreciated their concern, and I didn't think it was buttinski at all.   But I'm aware of the situation and I know I can't fix it or make it better.   It's even worse for my dad who is a "fixer."  It's one thing he can't fix.

And the whole DNA backlog thing, stuff like that pisses me off about the smaller government people.  Yes, government is wasteful and has lots of redundancies, and pet projects, etc.  But needed and beneficial services like that get the shaft in the name of budget cuts.

Swamp, I'm so sorry about your mom. I hope you weren't offended by the calls. My friend's daughter cried (and so did I), but thanked me for calling and asked me to help with some things, so I think she understands it was done out of love.

I'm one of the smaller government people. It makes me angry that we're cutting things like this yet spending on crazy boondoggles.  Our community spends millions on sporting venues yet there's no money to get convicts' DNA samples into databases? With stupid decisions like that, I honestly don't think giving the system more money is the answer. But I could be wrong...

[milee]

Apr 28, 2014 10:19:51 GMT -5 midjd said:

I'm sorry, Milee.  And very sorry for your friends. They both sound like amazing women.

They are totally amazing. And that's part of why I'm sad.  It's killing me a little to think that in the future people who meet them won't see how amazing they are and just see a vacant, confused old lady.

[Phoenix84]

Don't be too hard on yourself Milee.  If nothing else, it sounds like your boys are having a much better childhood than you had.  You broke the cycle, that's not easy to do, and not everyone does it.

[swamp]

Apr 28, 2014 13:50:29 GMT -5 milee said:

Apr 28, 2014 13:38:44 GMT -5 swamp said:

My mother is going through the same things.  It sucks to see a formerly very sharp, sarcastic, witty person become a dazed shell who can't follow conversations. 

I have been on the receiving end of those phone calls.  Not pleasant.  I appreciated their concern, and I didn't think it was buttinski at all.   But I'm aware of the situation and I know I can't fix it or make it better.   It's even worse for my dad who is a "fixer."  It's one thing he can't fix.

And the whole DNA backlog thing, stuff like that pisses me off about the smaller government people.  Yes, government is wasteful and has lots of redundancies, and pet projects, etc.  But needed and beneficial services like that get the shaft in the name of budget cuts.

Swamp, I'm so sorry about your mom. I hope you weren't offended by the calls. My friend's daughter cried (and so did I), but thanked me for calling and asked me to help with some things, so I think she understands it was done out of love.

I'm one of the smaller government people. It makes me angry that we're cutting things like this yet spending on crazy boondoggles.  Our community spends millions on sporting venues yet there's no money to get convicts' DNA samples into databases? With stupid decisions like that, I honestly don't think giving the system more money is the answer. But I could be wrong...

I wasn't offended by the calls.  I'm happy people are concerned.   But I know there is a problem, but there is nothing I can do about it. 

I don't think throwing more money at government is the answer either, but I don't think the general public realizes that when you "cut off the beast" essential services like this get cut too.   I don't know what the answer is either.  

[tloonya]

What do you mean it's not fair
Kids getting kidnapped, raped, killed, sick with cancer, heart issues, going hungry, abused...at least these women grew in their adulthood, got married, had kids and had fun in their lives. Not everyone can say that...

[milee]

Apr 28, 2014 13:56:28 GMT -5 tloonya said:

What do you mean it's not fair
Kids getting kidnapped, raped, killed, sick with cancer, heart issues, going hungry, abused...at least these women grew in their adulthood, got married, had kids and had fun in their lives. Not everyone can say that...

OK, well if that's how we gauge what's good enough - comparing to kids with cancer - maybe you should just tell your mom that she should be grateful she had a warm place to sleep and some food for the last 7 years and STFU about the boyfriend's inheritance.

[tloonya]

Apr 28, 2014 13:58:43 GMT -5 milee said:

Apr 28, 2014 13:56:28 GMT -5 tloonya said:

What do you mean it's not fair
Kids getting kidnapped, raped, killed, sick with cancer, heart issues, going hungry, abused...at least these women grew in their adulthood, got married, had kids and had fun in their lives. Not everyone can say that...

OK, well if that's how we gauge what's good enough - comparing to kids with cancer - maybe you should just tell your mom that she should be grateful she had a warm place to sleep and some food for the last 7 years and STFU about the boyfriend's inheritance.

She IS grateful and all she wants for him is to be comfortable to the end. I had never said she wants any of his inheritance.