milee
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Post by milee on Apr 28, 2014 14:09:02 GMT -5
OK, well if that's how we gauge what's good enough - comparing to kids with cancer - maybe you should just tell your mom that she should be grateful she had a warm place to sleep and some food for the last 7 years and STFU about the boyfriend's inheritance. She IS grateful and all she wants for him is to be comfortable to the end. I had never said she wants any of his inheritance. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. If she really doesn't want any money there's no need for you to be involved or for either of you to see an attorney about houses or wills or POA over money. Whether the BF is in his house or a nursing home, she can visit and take care of him. Your actions are speaking louder than your words. As are his. If he wants her to have a say, he can divorce wife #1 and marry your mom without messing with his other paperwork at all.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Apr 28, 2014 14:09:29 GMT -5
Ouch! Ok, emotions are running high (understandably) so I'll try to pick my words carefully! Milee, at least the daughter you called could admit what was happening and wasn't in denial, to. That would've been a much more painful conversation. Initially, yes, that one was hard on you both, but it opened up dialog and let the daughter (who seems to be alone dealing with her mom's issues) know that YOU care, too.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 28, 2014 14:13:13 GMT -5
What do you mean it's not fair Kids getting kidnapped, raped, killed, sick with cancer, heart issues, going hungry, abused...at least these women grew in their adulthood, got married, had kids and had fun in their lives. Not everyone can say that... Way to miss the point. I'm sorry, Milee. It seems they have people that care about them, hopefully that will help in the long run.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Apr 28, 2014 14:14:32 GMT -5
Ouch! Ok, emotions are running high (understandably) so I'll try to pick my words carefully! Milee, at least the daughter you called could admit what was happening and wasn't in denial, to. That would've been a much more painful conversation. Initially, yes, that one was hard on you both, but it opened up dialog and let the daughter (who seems to be alone dealing with her mom's issues) know that YOU care, too.
My aunt also has dementia. 1 of her 4 kids thinks she's just fine and doesn't get why everyone is so worried about here. She just forgets a little.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 28, 2014 14:16:04 GMT -5
She IS grateful and all she wants for him is to be comfortable to the end. I had never said she wants any of his inheritance. Denial is not just a river in Egypt. If she really doesn't want any money there's no need for you to be involved or for either of you to see an attorney. Whether the BF is in his house or a nursing home, she can visit and take care of him. Your actions are speaking louder than your words. As are his.
They are living fulfilling life! They are shopping, playing games, cooking, going to casino...sure this would be seriously possible to do this at nursing home! Only narrominded judgemental person can assume anything else. And saying that I am very surprised that some people can only grow feelings about their own things and disregard anyone else's...
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Apr 28, 2014 14:17:40 GMT -5
While they still aren't too far gone what about doing a scrapbook together? You could help them collect photos/momentos and record their stories for them. Then when they do take a turn for the worst you have something to remember them by and show others what amazing women they were.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 28, 2014 14:18:14 GMT -5
And saying that I am very surprised that some people can only grow feelings about their own things and disregard anyone else's... But isn't that what you just did when you blew off my feelings about my friends?
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 28, 2014 14:19:14 GMT -5
While they still aren't too far gone what about doing a scrapbook together? You could help them collect photos/momentos and record their stories for them. Then when they do take a turn for the worst you have something to remember them by and show others what amazing women they were. This is a good idea. I'll see if I can get them to slow down enough to spend some time on it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 28, 2014 14:19:46 GMT -5
It isn't fair. And its hard to even read about, because it does make one question the tenuous 'control' we really have over our lives. And as always in these situations I don't know what to say, because there is nothing to say that will make it better. And making it better is what I like to do. So I'll just go with Anne and say, So Sorry.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Apr 28, 2014 14:20:11 GMT -5
While they still aren't too far gone what about doing a scrapbook together? You could help them collect photos/momentos and record their stories for them. Then when they do take a turn for the worst you have something to remember them by and show others what amazing women they were. ordinarily the thought of scrapbooking would make me vomit, but I think that's a fantastic idea.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 28, 2014 14:20:53 GMT -5
What do you mean it's not fair Kids getting kidnapped, raped, killed, sick with cancer, heart issues, going hungry, abused...at least these women grew in their adulthood, got married, had kids and had fun in their lives. Not everyone can say that... Way to miss the point. I'm sorry, Milee. It seems they have people that care about them, hopefully that will help in the long run. Are you telling her to butt-out like Grandma Blondie always tells me?
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Apr 28, 2014 14:21:40 GMT -5
Ouch! Ok, emotions are running high (understandably) so I'll try to pick my words carefully! Milee, at least the daughter you called could admit what was happening and wasn't in denial, to. That would've been a much more painful conversation. Initially, yes, that one was hard on you both, but it opened up dialog and let the daughter (who seems to be alone dealing with her mom's issues) know that YOU care, too.
My aunt also has dementia. 1 of her 4 kids thinks she's just fine and doesn't get why everyone is so worried about here. She just forgets a little.
Sad, isn't it? I don't know which is worse, though. My MIL is mean, manipulative, abusive (both verbally and physically, mostly directed and FIL), etc. but all of her children deny it has been untreated / undiagnosed mental illness all these years and insist it is dimentia / Alzheimer's. It makes me angry for countless reasons so I just keep my distance and my mouth shut.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 28, 2014 14:23:09 GMT -5
And saying that I am very surprised that some people can only grow feelings about their own things and disregard anyone else's... But isn't that what you just did when you blew off my feelings about my friends? Sorry, I just wanted to tell you...heck! Tough life...there are more things were and will happen. At least they had a life! I think it is my way of telling people to not to fall apart when it is not up to you to do anything about it.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 28, 2014 14:30:53 GMT -5
Mich, after tomorrow meeting with lawyer I think it will be all over. I just want my adults to know what their options are and say what they want and I am seriously have no time for all that. I am just sick of listening to what 'she said' and what 'she did'...I have farm to take care of.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 28, 2014 14:31:21 GMT -5
But isn't that what you just did when you blew off my feelings about my friends? Sorry, I just wanted to tell you...heck! Tough life...there are more things were and will happen. At least they had a life! I think it is my way of telling people to not to fall apart when it is not up to you to do anything about it.
OK, I appreciate your apology. I also urge you to think about this bolded phrase any time you are tempted to get involved with the financial issues of your mom's BF.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 28, 2014 14:32:22 GMT -5
But isn't that what you just did when you blew off my feelings about my friends? Sorry, I just wanted to tell you...heck! Tough life...there are more things were and will happen. At least they had a life! I think it is my way of telling people to not to fall apart when it is not up to you to do anything about it. Do you tell women who have miscarriages, "Oh well, at least it wasn't a baby?"
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 28, 2014 14:34:28 GMT -5
Sorry, I just wanted to tell you...heck! Tough life...there are more things were and will happen. At least they had a life! I think it is my way of telling people to not to fall apart when it is not up to you to do anything about it.
OK, I appreciate your apology. I also urge you to think about this bolded phrase any time you are tempted to get involved with the financial issues of your mom's BF. Oh, I am not. Trust me I meant when I said it in my reply to Mich. I have things to do. I just can't have mom to be driven into another heart attack by 'what she said'... And I am very much believing I must take care of mom no matter where she is living. And when she needs me - I am there for her. Not that I am having fun with it...
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 28, 2014 14:37:34 GMT -5
Sorry, I just wanted to tell you...heck! Tough life...there are more things were and will happen. At least they had a life! I think it is my way of telling people to not to fall apart when it is not up to you to do anything about it. Do you tell women who have miscarriages, "Oh well, at least it wasn't a baby?" I prefer not to speak with people after such events. We had a thread on this a while ago. If you paid more attention you would remember what I said...'do not ever bring miscarriage subject unless woman speaks to you first. Then I would say (and I did) that if g_d didn't give it to you it means it wasn't healthy enough and you will get it when it is meant to be...' So carry on citizens.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 28, 2014 14:37:57 GMT -5
I think it's worse than that... when you cut off the beast, the lobbyists swarm in to preserve their pet projects, so they get priority while the unsexy-but-necessary duties get pushed off to the side.
Plus I think too many people think CSI/L&O are remotely based in reality, and all you have to do is scan a perp's fingerprints into the computer and 3 seconds later, up pops a mugshot and current address... or take a cheek swab and 10 seconds later, bingo! There's your guy.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 28, 2014 14:41:37 GMT -5
Do you tell women who have miscarriages, "Oh well, at least it wasn't a baby?" I prefer not to speak with people after such events. We had a thread on this a while ago. If you paid more attention you would remember what I said...'do not ever bring miscarriage subject unless woman speaks to you first. Then I would say (and I did) that if g_d didn't give it to you it means it wasn't healthy enough and you will get it when it is meant to be...' So carry on citizens. Oh, no. Don't drop a grenade like that into this thread. You can take that elsewhere so it can develop into the butt whooping that apparently you need on this subject.
And I will go to that thread and help with said whoopage, but over here I'm still mourning my friends.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 28, 2014 14:45:11 GMT -5
FWIW, I know full well CSI is a fantasy and it's not nearly so simple or quick. But I also know that this guy was released for around 6 months before he did the first attack (that we know of.) IMHO, that's plenty of time to get a DNA sample into a database.
And if it were possible, I'd gladly volunteer my operations redesign expertise to address that issue. I've had experience redesigning processes, bringing technological solutions and reorganizing systems to solve far more complicated issues than that one and would do this project free of charge. But you and I both know the government toadies in charge of those fiefdoms will never admit a problem much less allow an outsider to look at how things are working.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 28, 2014 14:49:20 GMT -5
They are alive!
And well, I am outta here...
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Apr 28, 2014 14:51:26 GMT -5
FWIW, I know full well CSI is a fantasy and it's not nearly so simple or quick. But I also know that this guy was released for around 6 months before he did the first attack (that we know of.) IMHO, that's plenty of time to get a DNA sample into a database.
And if it were possible, I'd gladly volunteer my operations redesign expertise to address that issue. I've had experience redesigning processes, bringing technological solutions and reorganizing systems to solve far more complicated issues than that one and would do this project free of charge. But you and I both know the government toadies in charge of those fiefdoms will never admit a problem much less allow an outsider to look at how things are working.
The FBI is perfect. Just ask them.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 28, 2014 14:52:05 GMT -5
I prefer not to speak with people after such events. We had a thread on this a while ago. If you paid more attention you would remember what I said...'do not ever bring miscarriage subject unless woman speaks to you first. Then I would say (and I did) that if g_d didn't give it to you it means it wasn't healthy enough and you will get it when it is meant to be...' So carry on citizens. Oh, no. Don't drop a grenade like that into this thread. You can take that elsewhere so it can develop into the butt whooping that apparently you need on this subject.
And I will go to that thread and help with said whoopage, but over here I'm still mourning my friends.
Sorry, I was mad for you. I shouldn't have started it. And wherever that thread is, I'll bring my spiked cowboy boots for the ass kicking.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Apr 28, 2014 14:52:32 GMT -5
Do you tell women who have miscarriages, "Oh well, at least it wasn't a baby?" I prefer not to speak with people after such events. We had a thread on this a while ago. If you paid more attention you would remember what I said...'do not ever bring miscarriage subject unless woman speaks to you first. Then I would say (and I did) that if g_d didn't give it to you it means it wasn't healthy enough and you will get it when it is meant to be...' So carry on citizens. That's right, because I should have a book where I write down all the stupidest things ever said on the internet....
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Apr 28, 2014 14:57:04 GMT -5
I prefer not to speak with people after such events. We had a thread on this a while ago. If you paid more attention you would remember what I said...'do not ever bring miscarriage subject unless woman speaks to you first. Then I would say (and I did) that if g_d didn't give it to you it means it wasn't healthy enough and you will get it when it is meant to be...' So carry on citizens. That's right, because I should have a book where I write down all the stupidest things ever said on the internet.... Oh, no! You not making money off of me...
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Apr 28, 2014 15:00:21 GMT -5
FWIW, I know full well CSI is a fantasy and it's not nearly so simple or quick. But I also know that this guy was released for around 6 months before he did the first attack (that we know of.) IMHO, that's plenty of time to get a DNA sample into a database.
And if it were possible, I'd gladly volunteer my operations redesign expertise to address that issue. I've had experience redesigning processes, bringing technological solutions and reorganizing systems to solve far more complicated issues than that one and would do this project free of charge. But you and I both know the government toadies in charge of those fiefdoms will never admit a problem much less allow an outsider to look at how things are working.
Oh I know!!! Going through this right now... it's incredibly frustrating. If you're serious about offering your streamlining/reorg advice free of charge, I may pick your brain at some point, if that's OK...
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 28, 2014 15:03:05 GMT -5
Ouch! Ok, emotions are running high (understandably) so I'll try to pick my words carefully! Milee, at least the daughter you called could admit what was happening and wasn't in denial, to. That would've been a much more painful conversation. Initially, yes, that one was hard on you both, but it opened up dialog and let the daughter (who seems to be alone dealing with her mom's issues) know that YOU care, too.
My aunt also has dementia. 1 of her 4 kids thinks she's just fine and doesn't get why everyone is so worried about here. She just forgets a little.
Years ago when there was no medication or therapy, I might have sided with the denial approach since there was nothing to be done anyway. But now, there are a few drugs and therapies that can sometimes slow down the progression, especially if it's caught early, so that's why I bit the bullet and made that awful call. None of the drugs or therapies cure anything, but if something could give her a few more years of healthy life, that would be wonderful and worth trying.
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milee
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Post by milee on Apr 28, 2014 15:04:35 GMT -5
FWIW, I know full well CSI is a fantasy and it's not nearly so simple or quick. But I also know that this guy was released for around 6 months before he did the first attack (that we know of.) IMHO, that's plenty of time to get a DNA sample into a database.
And if it were possible, I'd gladly volunteer my operations redesign expertise to address that issue. I've had experience redesigning processes, bringing technological solutions and reorganizing systems to solve far more complicated issues than that one and would do this project free of charge. But you and I both know the government toadies in charge of those fiefdoms will never admit a problem much less allow an outsider to look at how things are working.
Oh I know!!! Going through this right now... it's incredibly frustrating. If you're serious about offering those services free of charge, I may pick your brain at some point, if that's OK... I'm serious. And I have ideas on how to mobilize some of the vast network of retired, but still intelligent and active, would be volunteers down here.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Apr 28, 2014 15:07:51 GMT -5
I'm really sorry, milee, for your friends, and for you. The progression of dementia is certainly no picnic for anyone concerned. It's a difficult road. My fiercely independent mother is also travelling that road and it hurts her and, through her, it hurts me. Thankfully, I'm able to provide her care but I know it shames her for me to have to do some of the things I have to do for her. We talk about it, but ... she forgets. All we can do, really, is love them and offer them what we have to give. You're certainly doing that.
Constanz, I'm sorry for your situation, as well. I truly hope your future is bright and these things can be controlled.
I'll have all of you in my thoughts. I do understand.
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