As My Fostering World Turns

[Deleted]

Go ahead shanendoah, I don't have enough excitement to keep this going steady by myself

LGW gets more visits with her family now too. But they will never have her live with them again. They told me they like the kids to have contact growing up so they don't become this fantasy perfection. There is a better chance of the kids understanding as they grow up if they deal with the reality of their parents.

[Wisconsin Beth]

That's tough Shane. 

[shanendoah]

Because we are apparently "those" people, we agreed to a same day placement yesterday. A little after 4pm, an almost 7 year old (almost as in her birthday is in 2 weeks), arrived at our house. She's too cute for croissant, or even muffin, so new child will be Cupcake. 
Pop Tart helped tremendously in making her feel welcome, and Cupcake chose to sleep in Pop Tart's room (bunk beds) last night.
However, Pop Tart had a bit of a delayed stress reaction to everything (not that she could quite admit) and got up and got dressed. When questioned, she was going to sleep in her clothes so that they weren't cold when she went to get dressed in the morning, and she supposedly couldn't sleep while her room was messy (child's room is always messy by bedtime, even if she cleaned after dinner). But we got her back in jammies, told her to read or play her DS for a little bit and eventually she got to sleep.

Still, our first 1/3 day went well. We'll see how the weekend goes.

[zibazinski]

In Florida as well, higher education is paid for fosters as well as a living allowance if they don't do dorms. My former client was interested in being a counselor. I told her I thought she'd make an amazing one. Who better? Unfortunately I ended up being undermined by her foster mom who thought being a hairdresser was a better choice for her. Perhaps she was right. 

[TheOtherMe]

  Shane!  How kind of you and your family to take in Cupcake in her time of need.

[taz157]

Feb 7, 2015 20:27:24 GMT -5 TheOtherMe said:

  Shane!  How kind of you and your family to take in Cupcake in her time of need.

[shanendoah]

Weekend went pretty well. It was kind of like a two day play date, which is good for a first weekend, but we're also working to remind the girls that this is NOT a permanent play date. There will still be school and homework and chores and general structure. We'll see how long it takes for that message to actually sink in.

The girls both slept in Pop Tart's room (bunk beds) Friday and Saturday nights, which I think made it easier for Cupcake. However, neither of them really slept either night, and by yesterday late afternoon they were tired and little cranky. So new rule is that on school nights they have to sleep in separate rooms, and they can decided whether or not to sleep in the same room on weekends/holidays. Sleep did seam to come quicker last night than the two previous nights, though I don't know if that was configuration or exhaustion.

The girls are getting along really well, and on Sunday, Cupcake told Pop Tart that she wants to stay with us forever. We talked a bit about how that's not up to us right now. The state is still involved and still working with Cupcake's birth mom, so we just don't know what will happen. In addition, Cupcake will need to be with us for at least 6 months before anything along those lines can happen anyway.

I don't know if this is how Cupcake really feels, or if she's a 7 year old little girl just looking for some kind of stability. She's had numerous placements (most with relatives that haven't worked out), so she's really just looking for anywhere to land, and we have a daughter who is just a little older than her who played well with her, making us seem pretty ideal at the moment. As I reminded Pop Tart as we talked last night, after one weekend, things with Mini Wheat seemed okay, too. (I do not think this will go the same direction as Cupcake's issues are very different than Mini Wheat's issues were, but its still something for Pop Tart to keep in mind.)

Cupcake is African-American, so in addition to everything else going on, I need to get her in for a hair appointment. I can't do white girl hair, and I know enough to know that black girl hair is very different, and I shouldn't even try until I get some education. Luckily, I have a former co-worker who I am friends with on FB who is African-American and whose niece is a beautician, so I got the niece's name and number and will make an appointment in the next couple of weekends.

From the paperwork, Cupcake's biggest issues seem to emerge at times of parting (like school drop off), so I'll have to check with C and see how that went this morning. I'm actually thinking that it might be best for Cupcake if we can get her transferred to Pop Tart's school sooner rather than later. That way, she can ride the bus to school with Pop Tart (so there's not a complete separation at that time). She apparently does very well once she actually gets to her school/classroom. So, hoping for that. However, her current therapy (because most foster kids are very appropriately in therapy) is done at her school, so we'll have to figure out those arrangements.

Anyway, that's first weekend update. I'm exhausted because I didn't sleep well over the weekend (waiting until I could hear that the girls were asleep) and still didn't sleep well last night, partly because the Beagle needed a 4am out. We'll see what kind of mood that puts me in for family counseling tonight. 

[Wisconsin Beth]

Would Pop Tart's school have a counselor Cupcake could switch too?  I know it's not that easy/simple.  I'm extremely happy that my son's speech therapy is done at his school, during school hours, so I understand. 

Shane, my daughter will be 7 in early May. It's a fun age. 

[shanendoah]

Oh, I forgot that. Cupcake isn't actually 7, yet. She will be 7 in two weeks. Two weeks.

I firmly believe in birthday parties for every kid at that age, so we have two weeks to round up some similar age kids and figure out a party.

[Wisconsin Beth]

How long do you expect to have Cupcake? 

[zibazinski]

One never knows. Especially with parental rights not terminated yet.

[shanendoah]

Because the mother's rights have not yet been terminated, the state is required to list reunification as their primary plan. However, they are working on adoption as a concurrent plan, and are intending to file for termination of parental rights.

Cupcake was placed with us because we are a home with an approved adoption homestudy, so the hope on everyone's part is that this will be a permanent placement.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Is the Mom being a jerk about losing rights? 

I remember from my BIL's process (around 12+ years ago) that bio mom would show up every other court date, dragging out the process.  DN#6 was the 1st child she lost to the courts so she was half assed fighting it.  Bio mom didn't give a damn about DN#6 but apparently she did give a slight crap for the older kids. 

[zibazinski]

In Florida they only have to see their child once a year to keep their parental rights.    I wish they'd fix that.

[mmhmm]

Feb 9, 2015 14:02:11 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

In Florida they only have to see their child once a year to keep their parental rights.    I wish they'd fix that.

Once a year?!! That's not your child. That's your tax accountant!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Feb 9, 2015 14:28:26 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Feb 9, 2015 14:02:11 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

In Florida they only have to see their child once a year to keep their parental rights.    I wish they'd fix that.

Once a year?!! That's not your child. That's your tax accountant!

My Mom sees her accountant 2x a year - once to drop off paperwork and then to pick it up. 

[The Captain]

Feb 9, 2015 14:28:26 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Feb 9, 2015 14:02:11 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

In Florida they only have to see their child once a year to keep their parental rights.    I wish they'd fix that.

Once a year?!! That's not your child. That's your tax accountant!

Not if they're a good one.  I saw my clients several times a year.

[mmhmm]

Feb 9, 2015 14:32:01 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Feb 9, 2015 14:28:26 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Once a year?!! That's not your child. That's your tax accountant!

Not if they're a good one.  I saw my clients several times a year.

I talk to mine on the phone several times but usually only see him a couple of times a year. Of course, he's been doing my stuff for years, and years.

[shanendoah]

Obviously, I can't give specifics. What I can say is that a number of years ago, WA state was sued by a number of former foster children. The former foster children won that suit and due to the court orders that resulted, the state had to change some of it's practices. As a result, it is much harder for kids to remain in the legal limbo of foster care with parental rights for inordinate amounts of time. In fact, there is a time limit placed on parents for following their own court orders, and if the parents haven't completed those duties (or shown honest good faith efforts to do so), the state is allowed to move forward on terminating parental rights just based on the amount of time the child has been in the system. 
Cupcake's time in the system is reaching that limit.

[zibazinski]

Feb 9, 2015 14:30:35 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Feb 9, 2015 14:28:26 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Once a year?!! That's not your child. That's your tax accountant!

My Mom sees her accountant 2x a year - once to drop off paperwork and then to pick it up. 

That's true. So do I !!

[Wisconsin Beth]

Feb 9, 2015 15:32:33 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

Obviously, I can't give specifics. What I can say is that a number of years ago, WA state was sued by a number of former foster children. The former foster children won that suit and due to the court orders that resulted, the state had to change some of it's practices. As a result, it is much harder for kids to remain in the legal limbo of foster care with parental rights for inordinate amounts of time. In fact, there is a time limit placed on parents for following their own court orders, and if the parents haven't completed those duties (or shown honest good faith efforts to do so), the state is allowed to move forward on terminating parental rights just based on the amount of time the child has been in the system. 
Cupcake's time in the system is reaching that limit.

See, as I understand it, DN#6's bio mom's appearance every other court date was considered a good faith effort.  I think the whole thing took about 2-3 years which isn't horribly long but it seemed much longer at the time.  If I recall correctly, BIL and his wife started visitations with DN#6 around 8-12 months, moved to longer stays/visits and then had physical custody while the hearings were going on.  I think adoption was finalized sometime after she turned 3.  So 2 years or so for BIL and his wife but I think the State/City/County/someone was working on it prior to them being in the picture.  

I was only dating DH then so I didn't get all the details.

[The Captain]

Feb 9, 2015 15:32:33 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

Obviously, I can't give specifics. What I can say is that a number of years ago, WA state was sued by a number of former foster children. The former foster children won that suit and due to the court orders that resulted, the state had to change some of it's practices. As a result, it is much harder for kids to remain in the legal limbo of foster care with parental rights for inordinate amounts of time. In fact, there is a time limit placed on parents for following their own court orders, and if the parents haven't completed those duties (or shown honest good faith efforts to do so), the state is allowed to move forward on terminating parental rights just based on the amount of time the child has been in the system. 
Cupcake's time in the system is reaching that limit.

I just find the thought that a 7yo has "time in the system" reaching a limit to be so sad.  If you can't care for your kid then wtf drag it/them through more pain and uncertainty?

[Deleted]

Feb 9, 2015 16:32:33 GMT -5 The Captain said:

Feb 9, 2015 15:32:33 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

Obviously, I can't give specifics. What I can say is that a number of years ago, WA state was sued by a number of former foster children. The former foster children won that suit and due to the court orders that resulted, the state had to change some of it's practices. As a result, it is much harder for kids to remain in the legal limbo of foster care with parental rights for inordinate amounts of time. In fact, there is a time limit placed on parents for following their own court orders, and if the parents haven't completed those duties (or shown honest good faith efforts to do so), the state is allowed to move forward on terminating parental rights just based on the amount of time the child has been in the system. 
Cupcake's time in the system is reaching that limit.

I just find the thought that a 7yo has "time in the system" reaching a limit to be so sad.  If you can't care for your kid then wtf drag it/them through more pain and uncertainty?

Very often the parents think they are doing just fine taking care of their kids and they're just being picked on.

[shanendoah]

In some cases, parents are making a good faith effort, but the state can also recognize that they simply are not capable of meeting the conditions of their court order. This can be due to mental illness, addiction, whatever. So in WA, the state is allowed to move forward with TPR (terminating parental rights) based on timelines and how far a birth parent has made it through meeting conditions.

And this is a fairly good thing, but it wouldn't have come about if a number of children who grew up in foster care hadn't had such a horrible experience that they sued the state.

[zibazinski]

Being left to linger in the system is so very wrong. You have to be pretty awful to even get that far to begin with. One chance to remedy is and should be sufficient. After that, you lose rights and those kids can have a chance. Why are these kids so troubled? Because they're used and abused by their "parent." They're not boomerangs, they're human beings. That's why I knew I could not mentor a child still left with the "parent" I knew I couldn't handle it. 

[TheOtherMe]

I hope for Cupcake's sake, that she doesn't have to linger in the system.  That is just cruel to a child.  A child needs stability.  Hence, cupcake's problem with leaving.

[Firebird]

Poor Cupcake.  I hope she gets to stay with you.  Sounds like a little sister is good for Pop Tart also. 

Babybird loves big girls.  Maybe we can get the whole crew together sometime soon  

[shanendoah]

Social workers have to come visit right away after a new placement, so Cupcake's state social worker and our agency worker were both by on Tuesday evening. This week, at her weekly staffing meeting, our social worker shared information about our case with the rest of her team. (This is standard procedure and not a surprise to us.) Their marketing and communications person loved Cupcake's response to Pop Tart so much that they want to turn us into a "story to share with [their] supporters".

C and I haven't had a chance to talk about this yet. I don't expect we'll have a problem with it. We do like our agency and support the work they do. But it does feel kind of odd, because the draw of the story is that C and I are basically chopped liver. When asked about how she liked it with us, Cupcake responded that she wanted to stay with Pop Tart forever.

[zibazinski]

[TheOtherMe]

Cupcake loves having a big sister!