As My Fostering World Turns

[Deleted]

Dec 26, 2014 22:39:03 GMT -5 @taliare said:

Dec 26, 2014 18:45:55 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

For those who commented that they tried to give their kids an alcohol experience at home, while still underage, please remember that foster parents have rules that parents don't have. I can't speak for Canada, but here in WA, if I were to encourage, or even knowingly allow, a foster child in my care to get drunk, I would lose my foster care license and possibly face criminal charges. So while I completely agree that it's best for them to get drunk the first time at home, in a safe environment, that is one of those things that parents can do that foster parents can not.

You type in haste? Bio Parent cannot do this. They get arrested if child given alcohol underage.

Not necessarily true. Many states allow this. And seriously, if you are responsible, how would they know?

Now you don't want to give it to kids who are not your own.

[shanendoah]

@taliare - Actually, bio parents are allowed to give their kids alcohol in their homes. Many families give their children wine with dinner. In the privacy of the home, the home owner is allowed to give anyone alcohol. 

[Deleted]

Well, you can't give minors not your children alcohol...

[ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ]

Dec 27, 2014 0:47:14 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

@taliare - Actually, bio parents are allowed to give their kids alcohol in their homes. Many families give their children wine with dinner. In the privacy of the home, the home owner is allowed to give anyone alcohol. 

It's a common practice in Italian cultures, as well as French, to introduce their kids (or rather teens) to complimenting wines with foods.

They learn early to know the difference between "drinking" to binge or get high, as opposed to complimenting a meal. It's a cultural tradition - and it's (usually) not abused. That's the difference.

North American (US/Cdn teens) who aren't from those cultures don't know their limits and how to drink responsibly. Once they reach the legal drinking age, (or even before), they haven't had the exposure to responsible consumption at an earlier age.

It's all how you educate them into associating wines (or other alcohols) with meals. With those lessons, they'll learn responsible consumption.

If you leave them on their own, good luck.

[TheOtherMe]

Around this area, it is a common practice.  However, if an accident occurs, the homeowner can be sued.  Since that law was passed, there have been some homeowners sued.

House parties where the kids stay overnight are most common here.

[Peace77]

Dec 26, 2014 22:39:03 GMT -5 @taliare said:

Dec 26, 2014 18:45:55 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

For those who commented that they tried to give their kids an alcohol experience at home, while still underage, please remember that foster parents have rules that parents don't have. I can't speak for Canada, but here in WA, if I were to encourage, or even knowingly allow, a foster child in my care to get drunk, I would lose my foster care license and possibly face criminal charges. So while I completely agree that it's best for them to get drunk the first time at home, in a safe environment, that is one of those things that parents can do that foster parents can not.

You type in haste? Bio Parent cannot do this. They get arrested if child given alcohol underage.

Some states have exceptions for a parent to give an older child or teen small amounts of alcohol at home during a family celebration or religious ceremony.   A single glass of wine under adult supervision shouldn't make anyone drunk.  

[Peace77]

Dec 26, 2014 18:45:55 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

Just discovered this thread, laterbloomer. I love it.
In this adoption round, we have seriously considered a couple of older kids. C is concerned that if we adopt a 16/17 year old, it might become addicting, and be a cycle we just keep repeating. This is NOT a bad thing, accept that one of our goals in adopting a second kid is to give Pop Tart a sibling to grow up with and have a sibling connection with. 

Perhaps you've already this this:  Experts in foster/adoption often recommend the new child in the family be younger than the children already in the family.

[Deleted]

So far my favourite is getting the girls at 13 or 14. Old enough not to need day care for an hour or so after school but young enough to be here for a while and settle in. When they are younger they still hold hopes of going back to their families, no matter how dysfunctional that was. Older they are chomping at the bit to be out on their own. I won't rule out other ages but that has been the best for me so far.

[TheOtherMe]

Will you be getting another child, later?

[Deleted]

Yes, in the new year. I'm going to try to hold out for "good match" but we will see how it goes.

[Deleted]

GW got accepted to her second choice university!!!! We haven't heard from her first choice yet, but she knows she is in!!! I am so proud of her!!!!

[Deleted]

Fantastic news Later! Congrats to both of you! :-)

[shanendoah]

CONGRATULATIONS GIRL WONDER!

And a big Way to Go, (foster) Mom! 

[mmhmm]

Dec 30, 2014 17:09:03 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

GW got accepted to her second choice university!!!! We haven't heard from her first choice yet, but she knows she is in!!! I am so proud of her!!!!

Outstanding! That's wonderful news! Kudos to all of you! 

[taz157]

Dec 30, 2014 18:10:39 GMT -5 shanendoah said:

CONGRATULATIONS GIRL WONDER!

And a big Way to Go, (foster) Mom! 

[TheOtherMe]

Congrats to GW and I'm sure it would not have happened without your support later.

[Deleted]

After the initial excitement passed she got kind of reflective. I asked how she was feeling and she said she wasn't really sure. She was just thinking about the stuff that had to happen in her life for her to be going to university because she knows if she had stayed with her mother it wouldn't have happened. I asked if that was good, she said she didn't know how to describe the feeling. She was really thoughtful about it.

[mmhmm]

Dec 31, 2014 10:16:34 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

After the initial excitement passed she got kind of reflective. I asked how she was feeling and she said she wasn't really sure. She was just thinking about the stuff that had to happen in her life for her to be going to university because she knows if she had stayed with her mother it wouldn't have happened. I asked if that was good, she said she didn't know how to describe the feeling. She was really thoughtful about it.

I imagine she was. When you posted about her acceptance, I found myself thinking about what happens to so many of these young people who are trapped in situations that foil their dreams and ambitions. If they can't get out - can't get the help GW has had through you - their potentials are wasted and they simply fail to thrive. While it's probably bittersweet to GW at this time, when she graduates and goes on to live her dreams and ambitions, she'll be able to see it all much more clearly. Would that all young folks in the position she was in could have the opportunities she's had and do with them what she's done. I expect big things from her because of her background, really. It will help to make her time with you and the tools you've given her so much more valuable. 

[TheOtherMe]

Dec 31, 2014 10:16:34 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

After the initial excitement passed she got kind of reflective. I asked how she was feeling and she said she wasn't really sure. She was just thinking about the stuff that had to happen in her life for her to be going to university because she knows if she had stayed with her mother it wouldn't have happened. I asked if that was good, she said she didn't know how to describe the feeling. She was really thoughtful about it.

later, I agree that GW knows that with everything that has happened to her and if she had not gotten you as her foster mom, she would not be in this position today.  She has a future in this world and because of what you have given her, she has not fallen between the cracks and is not lost in the world.  The two of you have a relationship that will last forever, even as she continues her education and moves on in her life.  She knows what you have taught her and she is lucky to have you in her life.  

[moneymom]

I haven't read much background here, but I have a question - please ignore if too personal, or feel free to PM me as well.  I have a former foster who we are very close to and she still spends a lot of time here.  I am about to create our trust and working on finances and am trying to determine how to include her.  Have you included any of yours in your trust and/or education savings plans?  If so, I'd love any insight.  It's a bit tough to plan because of course biological family could step in and somehow try to get the $$ intended for the foster.

[Deleted]

GW is my first and I've only been fostering for 4 years now. I've looked into the inheritance thing a bit. GW is now 18 so any inheritance can go directly to her and it will be up to her to keep it out of her mother's hands. If I understand about under 18 correctly, I can assign an executor and it would be their job to dole out the money while they are a child. A good executor should be able to protect their assets until they are old enough to handle it themselves.

[moneymom]

Jan 3, 2015 21:00:59 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

GW is my first and I've only been fostering for 4 years now. I've looked into the inheritance thing a bit. GW is now 18 so any inheritance can go directly to her and it will be up to her to keep it out of her mother's hands. If I understand about under 18 correctly, I can assign an executor and it would be their job to dole out the money while they are a child. A good executor should be able to protect their assets until they are old enough to handle it themselves.

I was just talking to my former foster about college for the first time.  She cut me off and said "oh, I'm not going to college.. my parents said it costs too much".  It broke my heart.  She's still a bit young but I plan on slowly teaching her about financial aid and scholarships, etc.  I plan to save for her too but I don't feel comfortable telling her or her family that at this point. 

[Deleted]

I'm in Ontario, and here the tuition for post secondary is paid for former Crown Wards. She also gets a living allowance until she is 21. She has already had a part time job for over a year now and plans to have one though university as well. I'm also hoping that she wins the same bursary that her friend got last year to pay for books etc. Fingers are crossed.

[shanendoah]

moneymom - Yes, college costs a lot, but make sure you help her understand that if she was in foster care at any point after her 13th birthday, she is considered an "independent" from the get go, and will be eligible for considerable need based financial aid.

[Deleted]

So last week GW asked to borrow the car one night and I said no, I had something I had to do, sorry. She proceeded to throw a text fit saying it was ridiculous that she pays $60/month for car insurance and only gets to use the car when it's convenient for me. She was pretty disrespectful, even calling me "lady" at one point.  Coincidentally she did this just hours before NGW totalled the boyfriend's car.

I tried to talk to her about it that evening, but she wasn't in the mood to talk about it. I waited 2 days. She didn't approach me so I emailed her $60 and told her she is off the car. So she came up with the solution that she is going to buy her own car. She has $2500 in savings, she makes about $400/month on her part time job and insurance will cost her $178/month. I helped her do up a spread sheet including her savings, Revenue and Expenses. She has other revenue but it is used to cover her phone and room and board and some personal items so it is not available for a car. I said she would need to keep at least $1000 reserve in case of repairs or to cover insurance if she didn't get her normal shifts for some reason. So assuming she gets a car that doesn't need work to certify she can't spend any more than $1300 on a car. It costs about $200 for the inspection, registration, plates and sticker.

She's starting to see that she might not be able to do this. She's wishing she had been saving 10% like I told her to. In the meantime, she can't drive the car at all now. Even if it's convenient for me. This is all becoming a "learning experience"

[The Captain]

Ouch.  Painful but it sounded like it needed to be done.

Have I mentioned I've got a few threads of yours bookmarked for when if DD ever act out?

[shanendoah]

You could always tell her she's lucky. Here in WA (I don't know if it's true throughout the US), it's rare for foster kids even to be allowed to get their drivers' license, let alone drive. (The license decision is made by their social workers, not foster parents.)

[Deleted]

Actually it freaked CAS out when they found out I was adding her to my insurance. They had to check if they had policy on it because no one was aware of it happening here before.

[TheOtherMe]

later, you are doing pretty much what my parents did when I was her age, only I never threw the hissy fit so got to use the car until I had a real job and could afford a car and save 10% of my earnings.  My dad had to co-sign for me because I had no credit history and he told me in no uncertain terms that I would NEVER miss a payment.  I didn't either.  

[shanendoah]

Hopefully laterbloomer won't mind if I hijack this thread for a moment to give an update on our most recent foster.

C and Pop Tart ran into Mini Wheat and his new foster mom at counseling last night. Mini Wheat apparently hid from Pop Tart on the way out, and really didn't want to do more than acknowledge C's existence while his foster mom was in with the counselor, but new foster mom happily talked to C while Mini Wheat was in his individual session (and Pop Tart was in her's).

He's doing fairly well. They went ahead and moved him to their neighborhood school, which cuts a lot of the stress. In his new school, 6th grade is still in elementary, not middle school (where he had been), and his new teacher doesn't believe in homework (which I think is totally setting kids up to fail in middle school, but that's neither here nor there), so they aren't facing one of the big struggles we had. He does really well with his younger foster brothers, and just basically wants to be outside playing football all the time. She said he doesn't really watch TV or play video games, even when that's what they want him to do.

The update that gets me is that he is now having 2 visits a week with Grandma. And while I can't go into details about how he came into care, I can say that Grandma was actually the driving force behind it. But now she apparently feels guilty and wants him back. When Mini Wheat came to us he didn't even want to talk to Grandma on the phone, and now he's talking about going back to live with her. He's a smart kid, so he claims it's because he wants to "take care of her), but both we and current foster parents doubt that. Mini Wheat still wants to spend any time he can in his old neighborhood, and even when he was leaving us, and still hadn't spoken to Grandma, he was talking about going back to her to be able to live in his old neighborhood. What he really wants is to go back to his life where he had no rules, no supervision, and no responsibilities. He could do whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, and when he didn't want to do something, grandma did it for him.

Now, maybe if he goes back, the state will remain involved and things will change, but I doubt it, at least long term. He'll end up back in care within a couple of years (Grandma's health really isn't good), and in the mean time, he'll have had to repeat a grade, I can almost guarantee it.

It's frustrating. I am glad he's currently in a home where he's doing well. I'm very honestly glad I no longer have the stress of him living in our house. But he's not a BAD kid, and I'm just really afraid that going back to his family will be something he sees as a win, but will really be a long term loss for a kid whose already suffered a lot of loss.