Green Eyed Lady
Senior Associate
Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
Joined: Jan 23, 2012 11:23:55 GMT -5
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Feb 28, 2014 17:20:01 GMT -5
Rather than thinking of yourself as "unimportant", try to think of yourself as "forgiving" - meaning, she knows, because you are her husband and you love her - you will forgive her shortcomings. Obviously, a boss probably wouldn't.
I know my friend loves me. She also knows I will forgive her lateness. I don't feel unimportant. Actually, it makes me feel quite good to know we are close enough to forgive one another's missteps.
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8 Bit WWBG
Administrator
Your Money admin
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 8:57:29 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Mega
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Mar 1, 2014 11:21:54 GMT -5
I'll try to embrace that line of thinking Green Eyed Lady but its certainly more challenging when there are consequences. I can deal with leaving 45 minutes later than I want to for something with no deadline. The challenge is that the more routine the behavior becomes, the harder it is when it really counts. In other words, if we are always 45 minutes late when it doesn't count, she might consider being only 15 minutes late when it DOES count to be improvement. And I do see how that "small forgivable little stuff" can still end up festering after a while. The dirty jar isn't a big deal on a good day. On a bad day when you are already frustrated with bigger stuff, the small thing adds to a pile. Of course there are also some people who aren't happy unless they are unhappy about SOMETHING. My favorite example of this is DW's previous boyfriend. I always had to hear about how he dressed like a slob, and why can't he dress nice once in a while. Then she gets with me who dresses nice all the time, and I have to hear "why can't you just wear normal clothes once in a while".
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stillmovingforward
Senior Member
Hanging on by a thread
Joined: Jan 1, 2014 21:52:58 GMT -5
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Today's Mood: Don't Mess with Me!
Location: Not Sure Yet
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Post by stillmovingforward on Mar 1, 2014 12:14:19 GMT -5
WWBG hit it right on the head with his 'shame/disappoint' post. Shaming someone or feeling shamed by your significant others (spouse, parent, child, grandparent, partner, etc.) is one of the most damaging emotions for a relationship. DON'T ever do it, according to my counselor. My relationship with others has improved tremendously since then. *sigh* Rainyday- are you me? I'm trying hard but sometimes have to put myself in a time-out. Which was actually great the first time I did it. I go to my room and won't/can't talk to anyone until I can use 'my nice voice'. Now, one of my DD does it too. It was hard at first to let her walk off when 'lecturing' her, I've learned to let her go. We are both much calmer now and her violent outbursts have diminished greatly. Like, I can't remember the last one.
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Miss Tequila
Distinguished Associate
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 10:13:45 GMT -5
Posts: 20,602
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Post by Miss Tequila on Mar 1, 2014 14:32:19 GMT -5
Thanks GEL. I'm both surprised and not-surprised I wrote so much in such a short time. In a marriage that is poised to last half a century or more, there is GOING to be some bad stuff. And while there are things I know DW will never improve on, nor will I, neither of us have to like it! DW is bad with time. She quotes times in "ideals" not in "how long it has proven to take the last 10 times". I have to mentally adjust. Its very frustrating, since most of the time it ends up causing me trouble. I have a very good friend who is consistently late. It's very difficult for me as I am pretty punctual. We'd make plans to meet somewhere at such and such a time, and she'd be 20-30 minutes late EVERY time! Other than this habit, she is a wonderful person. I don't agree with those theories that say a consistently late person is "egotistical", "sociopathic" and everything in between. She's just late because he underestimates how long it is going to take her to do something. That's it. I decided long ago that our friendship is way too valuable to let her lateness allow me to get so irritated that I end the friendship. If I want to meet at 7:30, I simply tell her 7:00 when we are agreeing on a time. That way, she'll be there by 7:30! If she surprises me and is early and I'm not there (which never happens), I'd just apologize for being late. No way she can be mad at me - not after she's done it like a million times. It's a win/win! I do the same thing with my SIL. I used to get so pissed in holidays because my food would be ready on time but she would be late (over an hour sometimes). I started telling her 30 minutes early and that worked a little better ( still pissed me off that I had to do that). Then I realized if she can be rude by showing up to dinner late, I could be rude and eat without them. And hat is what I started to do about 10 years ago. If dinner is at 2 we are eating with or without you. I no longer get pissed and she is closer to being on time
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Green Eyed Lady
Senior Associate
Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
Joined: Jan 23, 2012 11:23:55 GMT -5
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Mar 1, 2014 16:15:17 GMT -5
I'll try to embrace that line of thinking Green Eyed Lady but its certainly more challenging when there are consequences. I can deal with leaving 45 minutes later than I want to for something with no deadline. The challenge is that the more routine the behavior becomes, the harder it is when it really counts. In other words, if we are always 45 minutes late when it doesn't count, she might consider being only 15 minutes late when it DOES count to be improvement. And I do see how that "small forgivable little stuff" can still end up festering after a while. The dirty jar isn't a big deal on a good day. On a bad day when you are already frustrated with bigger stuff, the small thing adds to a pile. Of course there are also some people who aren't happy unless they are unhappy about SOMETHING. My favorite example of this is DW's previous boyfriend. I always had to hear about how he dressed like a slob, and why can't he dress nice once in a while. Then she gets with me who dresses nice all the time, and I have to hear "why can't you just wear normal clothes once in a while". I get it. My friend is my friend. I don't live with her. If I did, I might be less able to remain patient. She and I get together about once every 2 weeks or so. If it was an everyday thing, I'd probably be more irritated. It's a completely different situation than your situation. As far as your DW being unhappy with the way you dress, I have no advice! I'm divorced. Obviously, I didn't know what the hell I was doing! I do agree with you, tho. I have a co-worker who just doesn't seem to want to be happy with anything. I just ignore her, but again, that's easy to do when I'm not married to her.
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Green Eyed Lady
Senior Associate
Look inna eye! Always look inna eye!
Joined: Jan 23, 2012 11:23:55 GMT -5
Posts: 19,629
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Mar 1, 2014 16:16:45 GMT -5
I have a very good friend who is consistently late. It's very difficult for me as I am pretty punctual. We'd make plans to meet somewhere at such and such a time, and she'd be 20-30 minutes late EVERY time! Other than this habit, she is a wonderful person. I don't agree with those theories that say a consistently late person is "egotistical", "sociopathic" and everything in between. She's just late because he underestimates how long it is going to take her to do something. That's it. I decided long ago that our friendship is way too valuable to let her lateness allow me to get so irritated that I end the friendship. If I want to meet at 7:30, I simply tell her 7:00 when we are agreeing on a time. That way, she'll be there by 7:30! If she surprises me and is early and I'm not there (which never happens), I'd just apologize for being late. No way she can be mad at me - not after she's done it like a million times. It's a win/win! I do the same thing with my SIL. I used to get so pissed in holidays because my food would be ready on time but she would be late (over an hour sometimes). I started telling her 30 minutes early and that worked a little better ( still pissed me off that I had to do that). Then I realized if she can be rude by showing up to dinner late, I could be rude and eat without them. And hat is what I started to do about 10 years ago. If dinner is at 2 we are eating with or without you. I no longer get pissed and she is closer to being on time Your solution was a win/win and nobody got so hurt that the relationship was threatened. Good job on finding a solution that worked for you both.
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