les63
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Post by les63 on Feb 27, 2014 15:19:38 GMT -5
Yeppers. Everything gets rinsed out. Cans (peel labels off), pop cans/bottles, milk cartons/containers,etc., before being put in recycling bin.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Feb 27, 2014 15:29:05 GMT -5
It makes you a horrible evil terrible no good person MM! les63, I hope things are improving at your house.
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Feb 27, 2014 15:29:49 GMT -5
I do rinse out milk cartons b/c I don't want them to smell.. not because I'm recycling.. and I would not spend my time rinsing everything out and peeling labels off... if I had to do all of that I simply wouldn't recycle. Sorry if that makes me an anti-environment ogre... but I don't have the time or patience for any of that... I didn't recycle when I lived in KY and probably had about 3 bags of trash myself each week. Living here, we recycle and compost and we barely have one bag of trash each week. As we are charged per trash pick up, then it costs extra $$ to NOT recycle. Rinsing things out and peeling off labels really isn't that large of an issue any more.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Feb 27, 2014 15:53:00 GMT -5
We rarely argue verbally. When he gets mad at me he gets very quiet and very polite. That pisses me off so I get quiet and polite back at him. The temperature drops to freezing until one of us makes a nonverbal overture. (usually him because he was in the wrong in the first place Fact of the matter is he does more physical work around the house. I will admit upfront he does more housework. I do 99% of the cooking, grocery shopping/meal planning. That's a challenge right now because we are both trying to lose weight and eat healthier. I do the mental work (managing the finances... The biggest issue, for me right now, is his general pissiness because of health issues and concerns. He takes his fear and worry out on me. I put up with it because I understand the real issue. ETA We recycle. Rinse the food off everything (not labels though). Clean containers in the recycling bin because we don't want bugs.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Feb 27, 2014 16:19:12 GMT -5
Aw come on, ladies - you KNOW your DH will do the stuff you ask him to. There's no need to remind him every six months
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Feb 27, 2014 17:24:17 GMT -5
I just want to say I've not had one argument with DH about anything this entire week. He's been out of town!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 27, 2014 20:44:07 GMT -5
DH and I had one of these incidents last night.
We were in the living room and the bell on the washer went off, indicating it was done. I asked him to put the clothes in the dryer. He was watching something on the news and said he would when the segment was done.
It got done and he continued to sit there.
I wanted to say, "hey dumbass, didn't you hear the bell, or is it in a frequency that only women can hear? Put the damn clothes in the dryer like you said you would."
Instead I said, "how about them clothes in the washer?"
He did it. If I had said what I wanted to say, it would be hurt feelings all around. But what would you have said if he replied "if it bothers you that much YOU do it", like others suggested? I don't go right to screaming, yelling and name calling. But I'm also not going to be all "honey, please be sure to make your daughters lunch so she isn't hungry". I get my point across that I'm pissed off and he had best fix it quick. But I also don't think arguing is a bad thing. I don't believe in bottling up my feelings or dancing around the issue. I'm a pretty direct person and that is how I deal with issues.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 27, 2014 20:59:14 GMT -5
DH and I had one of these incidents last night.
We were in the living room and the bell on the washer went off, indicating it was done. I asked him to put the clothes in the dryer. He was watching something on the news and said he would when the segment was done.
It got done and he continued to sit there.
I wanted to say, "hey dumbass, didn't you hear the bell, or is it in a frequency that only women can hear? Put the damn clothes in the dryer like you said you would."
Instead I said, "how about them clothes in the washer?"
He did it. If I had said what I wanted to say, it would be hurt feelings all around. But what would you have said if he replied "if it bothers you that much YOU do it", like others suggested? I don't go right to screaming, yelling and name calling. But I'm also not going to be all "honey, please be sure to make your daughters lunch so she isn't hungry". I get my point across that I'm pissed off and he had best fix it quick. But I also don't think arguing is a bad thing. I don't believe in bottling up my feelings or dancing around the issue. I'm a pretty direct person and that is how I deal with issues. I would have told him to wash his own fucking clothes from now on.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 27, 2014 21:03:05 GMT -5
But what would you have said if he replied "if it bothers you that much YOU do it", like others suggested? I don't go right to screaming, yelling and name calling. But I'm also not going to be all "honey, please be sure to make your daughters lunch so she isn't hungry". I get my point across that I'm pissed off and he had best fix it quick. But I also don't think arguing is a bad thing. I don't believe in bottling up my feelings or dancing around the issue. I'm a pretty direct person and that is how I deal with issues. I would have told him to wash his own fucking clothes from now on. See...we speak the same language!lol When we first moved in together he would leave all if his dirty clothes on the bedroom floor. I was in charge of the laundry but I told him I only wash what is in the hamper. The week went on and the pile got bigger. That weekend I washed clothes but nothing of his got washed because nothing was in the hamper. The day he had to wear dirty jeans to work was all it took for him to known I'm not his keeper. It is more difficult when it is stuff that doesn't impact him like running out of clothes
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Feb 27, 2014 21:17:51 GMT -5
When my DD was in upper elementary and jr. high school, sometimes I would ask her " Can you please fold the clothes when you get home from school " and things like that. After awhile, I noticed that none of the chores I had assigned her were being done.
When I asked her why, she said that I had given her a choice of whether to do them or not. I asked her how got that from what I was saying, and it turned out that it was because I was starting my sentences with " Can you please...."
I had to explain to her that I was being *polite* but that didn't mean that she had a choice to not do the chores. Honest to Pete !
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Feb 27, 2014 22:12:50 GMT -5
After awhile, if you want something done, just do it yourself or leave it undone. You can only spend so much time trying to change people. And, really a lot of things are just not worth fighting over. This is exactly how I feel. My DH only takes the garbage out to the inside of the garage door. This means that someone (me) has to pick it up and carry it to the Garbage can. His dirty dishes will be left in the living room. His cereal bowl makes it to the sink but he won't rinse it out. But, we have been Married 23 years in Oct and complaining isn't going to result in changed behavior. I will probably get him to rinse his dishes. I might get him to put it in the dishwasher too. I probably will not get him to carry the garbage to the can or stop leaving his dishes in the living room. If I get too hung up on this I will just make myself unhappy.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Feb 27, 2014 22:29:56 GMT -5
You obviously started the training process too late in the marriage - after he'd gotten into the habit of leaving the cereal bowl (unrinsed) in the sink, or the garbage just inside the garage door.
DH and I shared chores - basically because I wasn't going to let him sit on the sofa and stare at TV after a meal like his dad did. He even knew how to run the washer/dryer, vacuum, dishwasher, and stove.
We shared all household tasks 50/50 - especially when we were both working stressful full-time jobs.
The advantage of both of us pitching in to get things done, was we could chill out in the evenings after eating (one of us might be folding towels or other laundry while watching tv, or loading/unloading the dishwasher, but when the weekend hit, we coul actually enjoy it together.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Feb 27, 2014 22:42:03 GMT -5
I doubt that I can train my husband anymore than he can train me.
We were in our thirties when we got married. We came "as is."
Sometimes, actually who am I kidding, most of the time, I think that I would be better off a hermit. Dealing with other people sucks.
L'enfer, c'est les autres!!
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Feb 27, 2014 23:07:14 GMT -5
My recycling center requires CLEAN plastic containers, they must be rinsed out. Maybe she's recycling. Lol so does mine but there is no "punishment" for not doing it.
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bean29
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Post by bean29 on Feb 27, 2014 23:09:41 GMT -5
You obviously started the training process too late in the marriage - after he'd gotten into the habit of leaving the cereal bowl (unrinsed) in the sink, or the garbage just inside the garage door.
DH and I shared chores - basically because I wasn't going to let him sit on the sofa and stare at TV after a meal like his dad did. He even knew how to run the washer/dryer, vacuum, dishwasher, and stove.
We shared all household tasks 50/50 - especially when we were both working stressful full-time jobs.
The advantage of both of us pitching in to get things done, was we could chill out in the evenings after eating (one of us might be folding towels or other laundry while watching tv, or loading/unloading the dishwasher, but when the weekend hit, we coul actually enjoy it together. Umm. No. Dh just ignores me. I think he likes watching me get Mad.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Feb 28, 2014 8:06:02 GMT -5
But what would you have said if he replied "if it bothers you that much YOU do it", like others suggested? I don't go right to screaming, yelling and name calling. But I'm also not going to be all "honey, please be sure to make your daughters lunch so she isn't hungry". I get my point across that I'm pissed off and he had best fix it quick. But I also don't think arguing is a bad thing. I don't believe in bottling up my feelings or dancing around the issue. I'm a pretty direct person and that is how I deal with issues. I would have told him to wash his own fucking clothes from now on. Me too but then remember I'm divorced so I really shouldn't join this thread but I sure have wanted too but figured I'm not exactly a good example to follow!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2014 8:21:39 GMT -5
But what would you have said if he replied "if it bothers you that much YOU do it", like others suggested? I don't go right to screaming, yelling and name calling. But I'm also not going to be all "honey, please be sure to make your daughters lunch so she isn't hungry". I get my point across that I'm pissed off and he had best fix it quick. But I also don't think arguing is a bad thing. I don't believe in bottling up my feelings or dancing around the issue. I'm a pretty direct person and that is how I deal with issues. I would have told him to wash his own fucking clothes from now on. Wow! That's mean. I've been doing all the laundry going on 14 years now and never ask my DW to help by putting the clothes in the dryer etc. I mean really, it's got to be one of the easiest jobs in the world with automatic electric powered machines to do the work. Better to live as an agreeable team than the continual one-upmanship, IMHO of course.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Feb 28, 2014 10:42:15 GMT -5
I would have told him to wash his own fucking clothes from now on. Wow! That's mean. I've been doing all the laundry going on 14 years now and never ask my DW to help by putting the clothes in the dryer etc. I mean really, it's got to be one of the easiest jobs in the world with automatic electric powered machines to do the work. Better to live as an agreeable team than the continual one-upmanship, IMHO of course. I worked a 10 hour day, cooked dinner and cleaned up. DH had the day off. I do mist of the laundry. He can do a load once in a while.
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Cookies Galore
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Post by Cookies Galore on Feb 28, 2014 10:57:34 GMT -5
Pfft. I don't even do my husband's laundry.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 28, 2014 11:10:40 GMT -5
ETA: I haven't been feeling well all week and DH has stepped up and has taken care of most of the evening duties. I gotta remember to thank him even though he should just do it because we're a team and shit's gotta get done.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 28, 2014 11:42:46 GMT -5
...:::"I dunno, I just think that is a no brainier?":::...
I'm late to the thread, but wanted to start here. Its a no brainer to YOU because its important to you. I think its a no brainer that DW should be on time, and say "captain on the bridge" when I enter a room. She is wired differently, and has her own set of things that I should do.
It cannot be emphasized enough that starting off with a condescending opener like "why can't you..." is just guaranteed to shut down cooperation. Doubly so when the thing you think is so important, is something that I either don't care about, don't want to put the effort in, or feel the opposite.
...:::"Okaaaaaay. Guess men have not learned shit from their moms or whoever in the last twenty years or more.":::...
Be careful with this line of thinking also. Some of us feel the same way about things you should have learned (or, that you know but don't put into practice).
...:::"Men need specific directions, they truly can't read our minds.":::...
We do appreciate this, especially when it comes to the time frame. Just meter out the "now"s. I'll grant DW some of them, but I'm not going to create a culture where I drop whatever I'm doing to respond to whatever stream of consciousness request she is making. It'll just lead to more requests.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 28, 2014 12:04:02 GMT -5
...:::"It's going to be an argument because you're asking "why"...to which we both know there will never be an acceptable answer. The real communication you WANT to use is "I want you to rinse out the container". Asking "why" for something you know the answer to "laziness or forgot" is just setting you guys up to fight. I suppose the 3rd answer from his is "because I don't care about doing that", which again likely leads to a fight. I'm going to guess this isn't the first time you've said these words.":::...
Print this out. Embroider it on a dishtowel. Post of the Day.
I touched on this too. Its important to one of you, but not the other. Don't get sidetracked in an argument about "why", because both of you can make compelling arguments as to why. I don't care about washing jars. I pay high taxes to live in an area with a super sophisti-ma-cated recycling plant thingie, that doesn't give a dang whether the jar is clean or dirty. And the jar is tightly sealed, so bacteria or ants are a non-issue.
I'm motivated not to do it, because its extra work for me. So I'll argue in favor of not doing it. The only thing you have going for you is that you want it; and I do like making DW happy. So ask for what you want. Don't belittle me for not measuring up to your yardstick.
...:::"Be sure to thank him, even though it's something he should do anyway.":::...
OH GOD YES! People LOVE to feel appreciated, and work more and are happier when they are. Yes, its tempting to say "why do I have to give you a goddamned parade for doing what you are supposed to do anyway" but to that I'd ask Dr. Phil's question: "how's that working out for you"?
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 28, 2014 12:09:40 GMT -5
...:::"There is. Either he forgot, or he doesn't care about doing it. Are either of those 2 responses going to lead to you saying "Oh, ok then, i just wanted to know the reason"? No. They're going to lead to an argument most likely.":::...
I think both sides are learning an awful lot! I also say that "closing the front door" is NOT on the same scale as one of these personal preferences like washing out a carton.
It is to YOU. It is NOT to someone else.
I also completely agree with hoops. You already know the basic reason. He either didn't want to, or didn't remember.
So to take your "why can't I be direct" question: go ahead and be direct. But don't complain when the reply you get is "because I'd rather sit and watch TV". No, its not fair or sensible. Both sides do it.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 28, 2014 12:15:45 GMT -5
...:::"My husband tells me that it's not the content of my message, but the delivery that sucks. I just don't know how to do that very well. But no matter what I do, I can't seem to win.":::...
I'm going to give you a window into my soul here...
I want to be perfect, and I HATE forgetting things or making silly mistakes. When I do, I'm already mad at myself. When you point it out, I feel even worse. And when its something you've told me "a million times", its much worse. Why? Well, I am simultaneously feeling the following.
- I am ashamed I did not remember something that is important to you. - I am ashamed I did not remember something that I've been reminded of far too many times -- or is even written down. - I know that you are disappointed. - I know that results matter while the road to hell is paved with good intentions. - I am angry that in that moment, everything I DID complete successfully does not seem to count.
Some of those may be as much my issue as yours, but I'm trying to articulate what I feel when faced with this issue.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Feb 28, 2014 12:25:51 GMT -5
Wow, wwbg. That was an awesome post. And, frankly, nothing I'd ever thought of as someone else feeling even though I've felt the very same way.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 28, 2014 12:39:36 GMT -5
Thanks GEL. I'm both surprised and not-surprised I wrote so much in such a short time. In a marriage that is poised to last half a century or more, there is GOING to be some bad stuff. And while there are things I know DW will never improve on, nor will I, neither of us have to like it!
DW is bad with time. She quotes times in "ideals" not in "how long it has proven to take the last 10 times". I have to mentally adjust. Its very frustrating, since most of the time it ends up causing me trouble.
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Feb 28, 2014 12:53:34 GMT -5
...:::"My husband tells me that it's not the content of my message, but the delivery that sucks. I just don't know how to do that very well. But no matter what I do, I can't seem to win.":::... I'm going to give you a window into my soul here... I want to be perfect, and I HATE forgetting things or making silly mistakes. When I do, I'm already mad at myself. When you point it out, I feel even worse. And when its something you've told me "a million times", its much worse. Why? Well, I am simultaneously feeling the following. - I am ashamed I did not remember something that is important to you. - I am ashamed I did not remember something that I've been reminded of far too many times -- or is even written down. - I know that you are disappointed. - I know that results matter while the road to hell is paved with good intentions.- I am angry that in that moment, everything I DID complete successfully does not seem to count.Some of those may be as much my issue as yours, but I'm trying to articulate what I feel when faced with this issue. Honey, is that you? Seriously, this is everything that my husband has said to me. It does sound different when someone else says it though. And the worst of it all is that I'm the crappy kind of person who loves saying "I told you so."
I feel like shit. I think that I'm going to put myself in time out now.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Feb 28, 2014 14:29:39 GMT -5
Thanks GEL. I'm both surprised and not-surprised I wrote so much in such a short time. In a marriage that is poised to last half a century or more, there is GOING to be some bad stuff. And while there are things I know DW will never improve on, nor will I, neither of us have to like it! DW is bad with time. She quotes times in "ideals" not in "how long it has proven to take the last 10 times". I have to mentally adjust. Its very frustrating, since most of the time it ends up causing me trouble. I have a very good friend who is consistently late. It's very difficult for me as I am pretty punctual. We'd make plans to meet somewhere at such and such a time, and she'd be 20-30 minutes late EVERY time! Other than this habit, she is a wonderful person. I don't agree with those theories that say a consistently late person is "egotistical", "sociopathic" and everything in between. She's just late because he underestimates how long it is going to take her to do something. That's it. I decided long ago that our friendship is way too valuable to let her lateness allow me to get so irritated that I end the friendship. If I want to meet at 7:30, I simply tell her 7:00 when we are agreeing on a time. That way, she'll be there by 7:30! If she surprises me and is early and I'm not there (which never happens), I'd just apologize for being late. No way she can be mad at me - not after she's done it like a million times. It's a win/win!
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Feb 28, 2014 14:36:45 GMT -5
By the way, I know that's passive/aggressive and all that psycho babble stuff, but she really does mean a lot to me and if that's what it takes, that's what it takes! I probably should have that confrontational, "I need to talk about how your lateness makes me feel." blah-blah convo, but this works for me.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Feb 28, 2014 14:53:45 GMT -5
...:::"By the way, I know that's passive/aggressive and all that psycho babble stuff, but she really does mean a lot to me and if that's what it takes, that's what it takes! I probably should have that confrontational, "I need to talk about how your lateness makes me feel." blah-blah convo, but this works for me.":::...
I agree GEL. And if your friend is anything like my DW, she can totally be on time when the stakes are high enough FOR HER. Ex. if she was told she had a face to face meeting with the boss at 7am, she'd be in the office at 6:45am. It makes it even harder to not feel unimportant. But I do agree they are just wired this way. They genuinely intend something to take 30 minutes, even though its never taken less than 45. Or they get distracted. Or something "comes up".
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