wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Feb 26, 2014 13:23:56 GMT -5
Everyone needs to calm down, go out and but a dog. I'm not sure I want to know what "go out and but a dog" means. Ok, you got me....frozen fingers can't type (in my case warmer temps probably wouldn't cut it either) Lets change the word to "purchase" there.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Feb 26, 2014 13:30:28 GMT -5
^^^ What she said. "Why can't you..." is inflammatory. Why can't you...take money from my night stand and go buy yourself some beer? And steak. And shoes. How inflammatory is this?
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Feb 26, 2014 13:33:46 GMT -5
Between you and your spouse and or live-in? Example for me: Me: When you finish the milk, why can't you rinse out the container? Me: When you're done with a knife (from using it for mayo), why can't you rinse it off and put it in the dishwasher? Him: I don't want to get into an argument . Okaaay. I guess I need better communication skills. These are just some simple things that DH could do. He's not doing much else. And I do mean NOT much else. How are things at your house? It's going to be an argument because you're asking "why"...to which we both know there will never be an acceptable answer. The real communication you WANT to use is "I want you to rinse out the container". Asking "why" for something you know the answer to "laziness or forgot" is just setting you guys up to fight. I suppose the 3rd answer from his is "because I don't care about doing that", which again likely leads to a fight. I'm going to guess this isn't the first time you've said these words.
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tloonya
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Post by tloonya on Feb 26, 2014 13:33:51 GMT -5
Everyone needs to calm down, go out and but a dog. I'm not sure I want to know what "go out and but a dog" means. I am pretty sure it means 'go out and buy a dog'
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Feb 26, 2014 13:49:24 GMT -5
I'm not sure I want to know what "go out and but a dog" means. Ok, you got me....frozen fingers can't type (in my case warmer temps probably wouldn't cut it either) Lets change the word to "purchase" there. Or, we could change the word to "adopt"!
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Feb 26, 2014 13:53:57 GMT -5
And, Les, you have WAY too much going on so I'm not going to criticize your communication skills, but make it easy on YOURSELF: put a sticky note on the milk carton "rinse when empty". Use this method when you can. If verbal, make a short, nice statement and not a question. Sorry, but sometimes a husband is just another kid around the house IME.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Feb 26, 2014 13:56:33 GMT -5
When DH says "I don't want to argue" it is meant as a cue to me to back off. He usually only says this when I'm being really sarcastic/condescending.
In the past, his saying that was like waving a red cape in front of a bull... "Well, we wouldn't HAVE to argue if you would just [whatever]." And then we'd both end up yelling, usually about something as stupid as putting the fork in the sink.
Now, I make myself shut up for a few minutes and then either start discussions again in a calm tone or (what usually happens) forget I was upset. We still bicker occasionally, but I don't think we've had a real yelling argument for a couple of years. It's been nice.
And I agree with the others that starting a sentence with "Why can't you..." is argumentative and immediately puts the other person in defense mode. "Could you please...?" accomplishes the same thing without the strife.
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mollyanna58
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Post by mollyanna58 on Feb 26, 2014 15:21:16 GMT -5
Dogs are also known to poop/pee/puke on the floor. They are not known for putting their toys away, or for being tidy. I think les63 already has enough going on in her household without adding a pet to the mix.
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sunshinegal1981
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Post by sunshinegal1981 on Feb 26, 2014 15:59:45 GMT -5
.... 2. Those stupid stickers on fruit are the bane of my existence! I find them all over my kitchen, because he never throws the damn things in the garbage. .... I am so guilty of doing this. I usually take them off the fruit and stick it on something else, like the milk jug (if I have it out), or the outside of the yogurt container, or some other thing that I figure is going to end up going into the garbage eventually anyway. (And why the heck does one little apple need FOUR GODDAMN STICKERS on it these days... what the hell?!?!)
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Abby Normal
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Post by Abby Normal on Feb 26, 2014 16:01:28 GMT -5
I'm not sure I want to know what "go out and but a dog" means. Ok, you got me....frozen fingers can't type (in my case warmer temps probably wouldn't cut it either) Lets change the word to "purchase" there. I knew what you meant, but it still made me laugh. Not at the typo, but at what it could possible be construed as.
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HoneyBBQ
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Post by HoneyBBQ on Feb 26, 2014 16:12:55 GMT -5
When I'm pissed off and want H to do something, I always start with "Hey, honey?" and wait for an answer. For some reason the 'honey' part butters him up and makes it a non threatening conversation even if my language from then on is aggressive.
So it might go: Me: Hey honey Him: Yes? Me: I might have to kill you if you don't rinse out your cereal bowl tomorrow morning. There are dead flies in the milk and it stinks like rotten ass! Him: Oh, okay. I'll try to remember.
He might not actually remember to do it, but I can at least express my frustration, which I think is 50% of it.
Then again, I'm kind of a slob and we don't have too many of these conversations. So pick your battles, too.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Feb 26, 2014 16:32:33 GMT -5
Way too much suppressed anger here!! Everyone needs to calm down, go out and but a dog. Everytime you enter your home from that moment on you will be greeted by a friendly overly excited to see you puppy. There will always be a grin on his/her face and a perpetually wagging tail. AND, said canine will NEVER engage in verbal arguments with you. <<Takes out suppressed anger on Wyo with a smack on the head...using a full trashcan>>
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wyouser
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Post by wyouser on Feb 26, 2014 16:53:00 GMT -5
Way too much suppressed anger here!! Everyone needs to calm down, go out and but a dog. Everytime you enter your home from that moment on you will be greeted by a friendly overly excited to see you puppy. There will always be a grin on his/her face and a perpetually wagging tail. AND, said canine will NEVER engage in verbal arguments with you. <<Takes out suppressed anger on Wyo with a smack on the head...using a full trashcan>> See how that works...you couldn't hit the dog could you
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Feb 26, 2014 17:08:13 GMT -5
<<Takes out suppressed anger on Wyo with a smack on the head...using a full trashcan>> See how that works...you couldn't hit the dog could you Nope. Couldn't catch the dog. You, on the other hand...
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les63
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Post by les63 on Feb 26, 2014 17:21:59 GMT -5
You guys are right, my communication does suck on occasion. It is stressful and frustrating here sometimes. My brain is in fast mode most of the time trying to keep up with stuff and staying ahead on things. Sometimes Super Bitch makes an appearance and mouth and brain are definitely not connecting properly. DH did rinse out the milk carton today. Something penetrated his male brain.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Feb 27, 2014 8:53:39 GMT -5
You guys are right, my communication does suck on occasion. It is stressful and frustrating here sometimes. My brain is in fast mode most of the time trying to keep up with stuff and staying ahead on things. Sometimes Super Bitch makes an appearance and mouth and brain are definitely not connecting properly. DH did rinse out the milk carton today. Something penetrated his male brain. Be sure to thank him, even though it's something he should do anyway.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 27, 2014 8:55:48 GMT -5
Yes, a "why can't you" means "you aren't and haven't been doing this and it pisses me off".
Instead, just be direct, like "please put that in the dishwasher when you are done, honey".
Or, when you put dishes in the dishwasher, it really turns me on!
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 27, 2014 8:58:12 GMT -5
After awhile, if you want something done, just do it yourself or leave it undone. You can only spend so much time trying to change people. And, really a lot of things are just not worth fighting over.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Feb 27, 2014 10:57:29 GMT -5
We have these arguments. I try to be nice about it but just leaving his crap lying around wouldn't actually make him clean it up ever. I'm pretty sure the health dept would have a problem with it before he did. But I do "try" to be polite about saying it. I should add that I am someone who has been known to throw things out that have been lying on the floor for a few days if they don't get picked up and I am not in the mood to clean up after a 49 year old toddler. When he eventually asks what happend to x I thruthfully answer I don't know because by then I really don't. I will add that I don't think I have ever rinsed out the milk carton in my life. I just thow them in the recycling bin to go out with the weeks garbage. Was I supposed to rinse them out?
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 27, 2014 12:52:27 GMT -5
You guys tip toe around issues too much. I much prefer to address shit head on and move past. If I kept footing around the issue shit would never change and then I would REALLY blow a gasket. It is much easier in my experience to have small arguments than let things fester and then small things turn into huge f'n battles.
I also don't think it is fair to say "well, if it bothers you so much then YOU do it"....I would hit the roof if I came home after working late, saw a sink full of dishes and have my dh tell me something like that. Shit needs to be done around the house and everyone needs to chip in and get it done.
This week I've been out late each night (work obligations). I came home the first night to find out that my daughter's lunch wasn't packed. My dh had been home for 3 hours by this point. I let him know that I was not making it since he was home for 3 hours so he had better figure it out or he would be running her something to school the next day. I came home late the second night and her lunch was packed
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Sunnyday
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Post by Sunnyday on Feb 27, 2014 13:05:54 GMT -5
Between you and your spouse and or live-in? Example for me: Me: When you finish the milk, why can't you rinse out the container? Me: When you're done with a knife (from using it for mayo), why can't you rinse it off and put it in the dishwasher? Him: I don't want to get into an argument . Okaaay. I guess I need better communication skills. These are just some simple things that DH could do. He's not doing much else. And I do mean NOT much else. How are things at your house? It's going to be an argument because you're asking "why"...to which we both know there will never be an acceptable answer. The real communication you WANT to use is "I want you to rinse out the container". Asking "why" for something you know the answer to "laziness or forgot" is just setting you guys up to fight. I suppose the 3rd answer from his is "because I don't care about doing that", which again likely leads to a fight. I'm going to guess this isn't the first time you've said these words. Okay, I get what you're saying, but what if you don't ask. Why can't you but said Why didn't you? I mean I ask my husband for something. I ask nicely. it gets repeated, and then I ask, Why didn't you [fill in blank]? And then he gets all pissy. It's a legitimate question. If you don't something which seems to be thing to do to a normal sane person, like closing the front door, there must be a logical explanation?! But I m a shitty communicator, so I have no answers. And don't listen to another poster who says not to foot around things. I never foot around things, and that has done me no favors. My husband tells me that it's not the content of my message, but the delivery that sucks. I just don't know how to do that very well. But no matter what I do, I can't seem to win.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 27, 2014 13:06:28 GMT -5
You have to get to the point in your relationship where he realizes that NOT doing this crap HURTS you and just piles on the work for YOU. On the other hand, you have to realize that he isn't going to approach it the same way you would and find that happy medium. DH and I did some battle for many years. I finally got it through his THICK skull that doing these things makes me feel more cared for than buying me a dozen roses. The other morning, I had to get up at 430 to work out of town and DH hopped out of bed and ran down and made me a fresh pot of coffee.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Feb 27, 2014 13:08:01 GMT -5
Yes, a "why can't you" means "you aren't and haven't been doing this and it pisses me off".
Instead, just be direct, like "please put that in the dishwasher when you are done, honey".
Or, when you put dishes in the dishwasher, it really turns me on! But what is wrong with being direct? If my husband isn't doing something and it pisses me off, why shouldn't I tell him?
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Feb 27, 2014 13:08:56 GMT -5
I didn't say anything was wrong with being direct. If you read what I said, I advocated being DIRECT.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Feb 27, 2014 13:11:26 GMT -5
::It's a legitimate question. If you don't something which seems to be thing to do to a normal sane person, like closing the front door, there must be a logical explanation?!::
There is. Either he forgot, or he doesn't care about doing it. Are either of those 2 responses going to lead to you saying "Oh, ok then, i just wanted to know the reason"? No. They're going to lead to an argument most likely.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 27, 2014 13:27:18 GMT -5
You guys tip toe around issues too much. I much prefer to address shit head on and move past. If I kept footing around the issue shit would never change and then I would REALLY blow a gasket. It is much easier in my experience to have small arguments than let things fester and then small things turn into huge f'n battles.
I also don't think it is fair to say "well, if it bothers you so much then YOU do it"....I would hit the roof if I came home after working late, saw a sink full of dishes and have my dh tell me something like that. Shit needs to be done around the house and everyone needs to chip in and get it done.
This week I've been out late each night (work obligations). I came home the first night to find out that my daughter's lunch wasn't packed. My dh had been home for 3 hours by this point. I let him know that I was not making it since he was home for 3 hours so he had better figure it out or he would be running her something to school the next day. I came home late the second night and her lunch was packed
We found a middle ground. We do weekly lists. We are not allowed to bring up any small shit through out the week, but once a week, we air out our list. At first, it was crazy hard, bc I can have a short temper and if something pisses me off, I usually want to deal with it right then and there. But then I realized that by the time it was "list time" I wasn't nearly as pissed off, so instead of arguing it became "I want to bring it to your attention, don't do it again" thing.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Feb 27, 2014 13:40:32 GMT -5
At first, it was crazy hard, bc I can have a short temper and if something pisses me off, I usually want to deal with it right then and there. But then I realized that by the time it was "list time" I wasn't nearly as pissed off, so instead of arguing it became "I want to bring it to your attention, don't do it again" thing. I would emotionally react to everything a while ago. We don't do lists. But, I've learned that I need time to process whether something really bothers me or not. Most of the time, it doesn't.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Feb 27, 2014 13:43:16 GMT -5
DH and I had one of these incidents last night.
We were in the living room and the bell on the washer went off, indicating it was done. I asked him to put the clothes in the dryer. He was watching something on the news and said he would when the segment was done.
It got done and he continued to sit there.
I wanted to say, "hey dumbass, didn't you hear the bell, or is it in a frequency that only women can hear? Put the damn clothes in the dryer like you said you would."
Instead I said, "how about them clothes in the washer?"
He did it. If I had said what I wanted to say, it would be hurt feelings all around.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Feb 27, 2014 13:50:46 GMT -5
I have to say, though, as someone who is not the best in "how to say things" department, it was important for us to get the point of not getting defensive right away.
another thing was - we had to learn to accept a "no" for an answer. My husband would say to me that I was not really asking him to do something, I was really telling him bc it seemed that he couldn't say "no".
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Feb 27, 2014 15:12:08 GMT -5
My recycling center requires CLEAN plastic containers, they must be rinsed out. Maybe she's recycling.
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