sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 23, 2014 15:54:36 GMT -5
my DH doesn't handle stress well at all. He has had job stress since the day I met him and everything is "worst case scenario" in his head. Over the last few months, it has gotten really bad. His company was bought out and he went from project manager to doing the work of a senior research director and working on a completely new system with little hands on training and help. (With no pay raise- I might add) He's been the only one in is company in the boat until recently and now that others are being put in his position there is a huge uproar and people are looking for new work.
He stresses so much over his work that he looses sleep, his blood pressure goes up and honestly, I fear he is going to have a heart attack. I have tried to be politely supportive, I have tried to coddle him. Recently I just lost it and told him that his job isn't that important... he's not saving lives... he isn't bettering the world. his job is a job and it is absolutely not worth all this stress and misery he is putting himself through. of course nothing I do or say makes a difference.
So, how do you handle job stress? or a stressed spouse?
I feel like he's either going to stress himself to death, or I am going to have to kill him.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 23, 2014 16:05:04 GMT -5
So, how do you handle job stress?
I suppose this depends on company culture but I talk to my boss. It's just me in the lab so a lot rides on my shoulders. If I get overwhelmed I start taking down stuff with me.
So I ask for help. Usually it's we review where we stand with projects and how long we have to complete them. Then I know which things I can drop/slow down on and which things I need to hustle on.
If need be we can bring on a student which we do during summers and if I'm going on leave.
In the short term, I remind myself that I am not irreplacebale. The lab worked before I was here, it will long after I am gone. Nothing I am doing is so important it's worth giving myself a heart attack over.
a stressed spouse?
I ignore him. He's made it quite clear he doesn't want to talk to me about it and has no solution to the problem he just wants to bitch. I told him to go wallow in his pity party then.
I won't tolerate him taking it out me. I've told him you want to be pissed at work fine but you don't get to be a jerk to me about it.
On the rare occassion he actually talks to me and is open to suggestions I listen.
Otherwise he's a grown man and if wants to pull the "big boys don't cry" attitude and pretend he's fine that's his choice. Just don't drag me along with you.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jan 23, 2014 16:08:02 GMT -5
Sarcastic - both of those are options. When my DH is really stressed he resorts cigarettes, food or a few drinks. I mind the cigarettes, the food is fine just not now because of our weight-loss challenge, the drinks, meh. Recently I have had success with urging him to exercise his anxiety out. Does your DH belong to a gym? Can you get him doing circuits? Anything that will get endorophins pumping will help him feel better - and working out will help tire him out for sleep too...
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quince
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Post by quince on Jan 23, 2014 16:11:45 GMT -5
For a while I had a note taped to my monitor that said DEAL WITH IT. We had a series of reorganizations and then were acquired a couple of times so I learned to be flexible and to stress about work...less. I focused on not bringing crap home with me, when the environment was right I worked with my management. As far as spousal stress...I panic, because he's NEVER stressed. He, on the other hand, listens to me, offers suggestions, smiles at me, and reminds me to breathe. Back rubs are also well received.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jan 23, 2014 16:12:55 GMT -5
Smack him in the head! I remember coming in the house one day, bawling my head off because I had skinned my knee. My dad pinched me in the arm and when I looked surprised, he grinned and said, "There! Now you forgot about your knee." So smack him in the head and he'll concentrate on that instead.
Seriously, tho? Nobody likes to be told what they do doesn't matter. It actually does matter to someone or nobody would pay him to do it. I'd probably back off on the "you don't save lives" stuff because that's probably pretty hurtful.
I'd probably go through all the things that are right. He does have a job that brings home a paycheck. He has a family who loves him. He is endangering his health by continuing to be so stressed out about work. Remind him how stressed everyone would be if he made himself very sick and was unable to work at all.
In the meantime, perhaps if he also started looking for a new position that was less stressful, it might give him something else to concentrate on. Perhaps a visit to the doctor is also in order. Lots and lots of people have short-term anxiety issues they can be helped through. It's not anything to be ashamed about nor is medication or therapy a life sentence.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 23, 2014 16:17:27 GMT -5
BSB- I've tried to get him to get moving with me. He's a big guy and while he's usually up for a nice walk or hiking when weather is permitting, he won't do anything else. He's not interested... he always has an excuse, especially when he's stressed. Of course, when you add the stress into this mix and the recent high blood pressure, it just makes me worry about his health. I've honestly told him that I am terrified that he is going to have a heart attack and I'm going to end up a widow... That impacts him for all of one day, max. I'd totally just ignore him or refuse to deal with him when he's like that... but the fact that i feel he might grab his chest and fall to the ground at any time keeps me from doing that.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2014 16:22:09 GMT -5
make sure his life insurance policy is up to date and just wait.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 23, 2014 16:25:58 GMT -5
I'd totally just ignore him or refuse to deal with him when he's like that... but the fact that i feel he might grab his chest and fall to the ground at any time keeps me from doing that
I get that but you'll give yourself a heart attack trying to keep him from having a heart attack.
You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink, unfortunately.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 23, 2014 16:27:10 GMT -5
Smack him in the head! I remember coming in the house one day, bawling my head off because I had skinned my knee. My dad pinched me in the arm and when I looked surprised, he grinned and said, "There! Now you forgot about your knee." So smack him in the head and he'll concentrate on that instead.
Seriously, tho? Nobody likes to be told what they do doesn't matter. It actually does matter to someone or nobody would pay him to do it. I'd probably back off on the "you don't save lives" stuff because that's probably pretty hurtful.
I'd probably go through all the things that are right. He does have a job that brings home a paycheck. He has a family who loves him. He is endangering his health by continuing to be so stressed out about work. Remind him how stressed everyone would be if he made himself very sick and was unable to work at all.
In the meantime, perhaps if he also started looking for a new position that was less stressful, it might give him something else to concentrate on. Perhaps a visit to the doctor is also in order. Lots and lots of people have short-term anxiety issues they can be helped through. It's not anything to be ashamed about nor is medication or therapy a life sentence. I wasn't quite so blunt about the "your job doesn't matter" when i actually said it to him. I was gentler and I included myself in the statement. as in "Neither of us have jobs that are so important to the world that it warrants such a high level of stress. We aren't doing a job that personally touches people's lives so work can't stress you to the point where it is so bad you might actually die." - I agree it was extreme. But I was so done with the hand holding and coddling that wasn't working that I was hoping for a "smack you back into reality" DH wasn't offended and he agreed but nothing changed. I have been on him about going to the Doctor. Last month he said "I'll go in the new year" so I'm going to address this again with him tonight.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 23, 2014 16:29:25 GMT -5
Last month he said "I'll go in the new year" so I'm going to address this again with him tonight. I've figured out that "new year" doesn't mean January. "New year" can mean anywhere in 2014 or "New year" as in 2015.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jan 23, 2014 16:30:47 GMT -5
BSB- I've tried to get him to get moving with me. He's a big guy and while he's usually up for a nice walk or hiking when weather is permitting, he won't do anything else. He's not interested... he always has an excuse, especially when he's stressed. Of course, when you add the stress into this mix and the recent high blood pressure, it just makes me worry about his health. I've honestly told him that I am terrified that he is going to have a heart attack and I'm going to end up a widow... That impacts him for all of one day, max. I'd totally just ignore him or refuse to deal with him when he's like that... but the fact that i feel he might grab his chest and fall to the ground at any time keeps me from doing that. Even though I think these are somewhat related, sounds like you need to tackle them separately. Your DH needs to go see a shrink and get some paxil or xanax or something. Separately, he needs to get motivated to work on his health. My DH refuses to go to the doctor. So I've stopped listening to him whine about his shoulder/knee/whatever it is. I've looked up names and given him referrals and sympathized until I'm blue in the face. He won't go. So I told him I'm not listening any more until he does something about it. Your DH needs to on the being-ignored-unless-you-are-addressing-the-problem train.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 23, 2014 16:30:51 GMT -5
I'd totally just ignore him or refuse to deal with him when he's like that... but the fact that i feel he might grab his chest and fall to the ground at any time keeps me from doing that
I get that but you'll give yourself a heart attack trying to keep him from having a heart attack. You can lead a horse to water but you can't make him drink, unfortunately. you are absolutely right. I work hard to take care of me. Every few weeks I try hard to work on him, then throw my hands up in frustration.
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jan 23, 2014 16:31:38 GMT -5
Good. A good health check-up can't hurt. Remember that it's not your responsibility to make anyone happy. I'm a "fixer". I want everyone around me to be happy and have everything they need. The thing is, that doesn't work. A person's happiness is their own responsibility. You can't fix it. He has to.
The best to you. Sounds like you are pretty stressed also.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 23, 2014 16:41:01 GMT -5
You can't fix it. He has to. This is true... but can I junk punch him enough times that it convinces him to fix it?
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Green Eyed Lady
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Post by Green Eyed Lady on Jan 23, 2014 16:44:01 GMT -5
You can't fix it. He has to. This is true... but can I junk punch him enough times that it convinces him to fix it? LOL!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 23, 2014 16:44:46 GMT -5
but can I junk punch him enough times that it convinces him to fix it?
That would probably add to his stress. But it'd decrease yours!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 23, 2014 16:45:20 GMT -5
I'm not sure if I handle stress well or if I have jobs that are not very stressful. How much does he make at his job? My jobs have always been senior/not management and my pay is around the $75K mark. To me, that's kinda where there is a nice balance of stress.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 23, 2014 16:45:50 GMT -5
make sure his life insurance policy is up to date and just wait. Oh, it is. And I regularly keep him apprised of my traveling plans for when he kicks the bucket.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Jan 23, 2014 16:50:54 GMT -5
You can't fix it. He has to. This is true... but can I junk punch him enough times that it convinces him to fix it? Not really. Been there, tried that, in a figurative sense. My DH behaves himself diet-wise for a few months, then goes off the deep foodie end and winds up sick and miserable and complaining. Except I stopped dealing with it. We have the same doctor, and he knows how to use a phone to reach him and make an appointment. You want to keep acting like you don't know what your problems are and how to avoid them after all this time? Sounds good to me. But I'm not a nurse and I am not throwing you a rescue line every time you sucker punch yourself. You don't need to be a health fanatic, just be sensible. And he is, for awhile. And then he misses what he likes to eat and figures a little bit is fine, and then.....
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Jan 23, 2014 16:51:44 GMT -5
How do I handle job stress? usually by facing it straight on and then figuring out what/how I should be doing stuff. I'm also pretty good at realizing what stressors I can do something about and which one's I can't and then letting go or 'downgrading' the importanace of the things I cannot change. I've seen people who don't deal well with their stress - get 'stuck' or 'blinded' or maybe just so exhausted by their stress that they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag - with a guide and written instructions and signs directing them to the way out. And that spreads across all aspects of their life. They stop doing/achieving/enjoying in other areas Stress doesn't just effect one's health.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jan 23, 2014 16:51:50 GMT -5
You could always try the Lysistrata method.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 23, 2014 16:52:52 GMT -5
You said he's got high blood pressure, sarcastic. Did he see a doctor to find this out? Is he on medication for it? I can understand your concern and he really needs to understand how important it is he address this problem before it gets worse.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 23, 2014 16:53:32 GMT -5
I'm not sure if I handle stress well or if I have jobs that are not very stressful. How much does he make at his job? My jobs have always been senior/not management and my pay is around the $75K mark. To me, that's kinda where there is a nice balance of stress. He makes $55K- because that is what he asked for when he started the job as a project manager- They jumped at it because it is a steal for them. He was under the impression that because he had just been laid off then he shouldn't ask for more than he was previously making I told him he had every right to ask for more... but as per usual he didn't listen. When the new company took over and his position changed to a higher position, they offered no extra compensation and he refuses to ask for more until he proves himself and does really well in this position. His position should pay $70+
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Jan 23, 2014 16:56:32 GMT -5
I'm not sure if I handle stress well or if I have jobs that are not very stressful. How much does he make at his job? My jobs have always been senior/not management and my pay is around the $75K mark. To me, that's kinda where there is a nice balance of stress. He makes $55K- because that is what he asked for when he started the job as a project manager- They jumped at it because it is a steal for them. He was under the impression that because he had just been laid off then he shouldn't ask for more than he was previously making I told him he had every right to ask for more... but as per usual he didn't listen. When the new company took over and his position changed to a higher position, they offered no extra compensation and he refuses to ask for more until he proves himself and does really well in this position. His position should pay $70+ I'm pretty sure we're married to the same person. Tall guy? Brown hair? Beard?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 23, 2014 16:56:54 GMT -5
You want to keep acting like you don't know what your problems are and how to avoid them after all this time? That's DH and his weight. For 10 years I've listened to him complain about it. He knows what's wrong and what he needs to do but he won't do it. Finally during his last bitch fest I said "Yep, you're fat". He said that was mean and I told him you never listen when I tell you what you need to do so I figured you wanted someone to agree with you. He'll do good for a week or so then slide back into old habits. I refuse to coddle him. I cook healthy for us but I can't control the crap he eats when he's not home. That's on him. You don't want to do it that's fine, but don't whine to me about the results.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 23, 2014 16:59:06 GMT -5
How do I handle job stress? usually by facing it straight on and then figuring out what/how I should be doing stuff. I'm also pretty good at realizing what stressors I can do something about and which one's I can't and then letting go or 'downgrading' the importanace of the things I cannot change. I've seen people who don't deal well with their stress - get 'stuck' or 'blinded' or maybe just so exhausted by their stress that they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag - with a guide and written instructions and signs directing them to the way out. And that spreads across all aspects of their life. They stop doing/achieving/enjoying in other areas Stress doesn't just effect one's health. THIS is exactly it. I get stressed at work but I come up with a plan, prioritize and work to get shit done. He gets so stressed that he can't see straight- he can't find his way out of the figurative paper bag. He gets so frustrated that it takes him longer to do what he needs to do and it just snowballs. And it has effected other areas of our lives. Other "marital areas"
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 23, 2014 17:02:05 GMT -5
How do I handle job stress? usually by facing it straight on and then figuring out what/how I should be doing stuff. I'm also pretty good at realizing what stressors I can do something about and which one's I can't and then letting go or 'downgrading' the importanace of the things I cannot change. I've seen people who don't deal well with their stress - get 'stuck' or 'blinded' or maybe just so exhausted by their stress that they couldn't find their way out of a paper bag - with a guide and written instructions and signs directing them to the way out. And that spreads across all aspects of their life. They stop doing/achieving/enjoying in other areas Stress doesn't just effect one's health. THIS is exactly it. I get stressed at work but I come up with a plan, prioritize and work to get shit done. He gets so stressed that he can't see straight- he can't find his way out of the figurative paper bag. He gets so frustrated that it takes him longer to do what he needs to do and it just snowballs. And it has effected other areas of our lives. Other "marital areas" Whoa! How high was that blood pressure, sarcastic?
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 23, 2014 17:02:42 GMT -5
You said he's got high blood pressure, sarcastic. Did he see a doctor to find this out? Is he on medication for it? I can understand your concern and he really needs to understand how important it is he address this problem before it gets worse. His blood pressure was high at our last optometrist visit. It was high the year before when he went to the DR. for bronchitis. His entire face turns red when he's stressed- I can see his blood pressure rising. But he has not gone to the DR. for this specific thing. He refuses to go to the DR for just about anything. Optometrist aside, he's gone to the DR. one time in the 6 years we've known each other. -On the flip side, I have a Gyno, an allergist, an endocrynologist... lol
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 23, 2014 17:03:34 GMT -5
He makes $55K- because that is what he asked for when he started the job as a project manager- They jumped at it because it is a steal for them. He was under the impression that because he had just been laid off then he shouldn't ask for more than he was previously making I told him he had every right to ask for more... but as per usual he didn't listen. When the new company took over and his position changed to a higher position, they offered no extra compensation and he refuses to ask for more until he proves himself and does really well in this position. His position should pay $70+ I'm pretty sure we're married to the same person. Tall guy? Brown hair? Beard? Yes, actually.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jan 23, 2014 17:06:12 GMT -5
THIS is exactly it. I get stressed at work but I come up with a plan, prioritize and work to get shit done. He gets so stressed that he can't see straight- he can't find his way out of the figurative paper bag. He gets so frustrated that it takes him longer to do what he needs to do and it just snowballs. And it has effected other areas of our lives. Other "marital areas" Whoa! How high was that blood pressure, sarcastic? I don't know. In Nov. at the optometrist he said "she said it was a little high" and I asked what it was and he said "I can't remember" this was less than 5 minutes after she took it- so that leads me to believe he didn't want me to know. 2 months later I still remember that mine was 123/70.
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