Is my brother being cheap?

[Deleted]

My family drama, thank heaven, isn't as interesting as most, but I always enjoy the feedback I get here when I do post something.

I've posted previously about the upcoming wedding of my nephew (DB's son) in q lengthy discussion about what I'd wear.  Short version:  it's in 3 months and will be an evening wedding at an historic church near Charlotte, no kids, country club reception, black tie optional, no kids at the reception, either.  DH and I will attend; we always enjoy family events and it's important to us.  I'm guessing total cost for us of about $1,000 before the gift; it's far enough away that flying is the only reasonable way to get there, then there's the hotel and the rental car.

DB is in charge of the rehearsal dinner, as father of the groom.  I understand that the traditional wedding rehearsal dinner is wedding party and parents of the bride and groom, and that over the years that's expanded to include other family and out of town guests not in the wedding party, spouses of the wedding party, etc.  When DS married, we threw it open to people in those categories (as well as their little kids) and had a joyous, kid-friendly dinner with good food and an open bar.  I had assumed DH and I would be invited to DN's rehearsal dinner.  (And yes, we will be invited to the wedding.) 

Ummm, no.  My parents did make the cut, but siblings did not.  Mom tells me that they're having it at some la-di-da place that the bride's family suggested (bride's Dad has apparently done very well as a financial advisor) and it's expensive and there will be 39 guests.  I should mention that DB is the CFO of a medium-sized corporation that was just bought out by a private equity firm at considerable benefit to DB and the other officers, and that he and DSIL recently went in with some other couples and bought a lovely vacation home on Kiawah Island.  Unless they're serving crab legs and pink Taittinger's at the rehearsal dinner, it's likely to be-what?-$100/person?  That would add up to less than what DS's rehearsal dinner cost and believe me, I'm no CFO with a vacation home on an exclusive resort island.  My feeling is that DB is trying to play by the rules of the bride's family but he's showing that he's not in their league.  (He actually went out and bought a tux for $600.) 

So am I justified in being disgruntled or am I being a brat? 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I don't believe that anyone but the people who are at the rehearsal have to be invited (hence why it's called a rehearsal dinner). The dinner is held as a thanks to those people for taking time out of their day to rehearse your wedding ceremony.

You should invite the spouses of the people in the wedding.

There is no obligation to invite out of town guests, though.  You can if you desire and can afford to but no rules are broken if you don't.

[Deleted]

Sorry, I'm going with brat. 39 people at the rehearsal party is significant. These things are usually done by categories so if he expands to include you and your hubby he has to include his wife's siblings and the sinblings of the brides parents etc etc.

[swasat]

Ok, being honest here....


I personally think you are not justified in being calling him cheap. And yes, I am inclining towards bratty.... You just seems o have assumed that you would be invited. You have a right to be disgruntled because obviously you were expecting to be invited. But its his son's wedding, its the two families who decide what they want to do. Not every does it the way you did it. His money, his choice to invite who he wants

Feel free to be upset, but don't let it cloud your judgement. I personally wouldn't be upset about it. But then DH and I are not ones for big weddings and such and we detest the formalities involved in the weddings. The more casual the better we enjoy it. 

Just my 0.02 cents.

[The Captain]

I understand your feelings are hurt, but you're being a brat (your word, not mine).

It was very nice and kind you extended you son's rehersal dinner to include as many as could come, but it's not reasonable to expect the same from everyone else.

Don't be put out, I'm sure nothing is meant by it.  Also, you may be right about what your brother is trying to do.  Give him a chance to establish the ground rules on his terms.

[swasat]

Dec 30, 2013 14:39:14 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

There is no obligation to invite out of town guests, though.  You can if you desire and can afford to but no rules are broken if you don't.

This. So much this. 

[steph08]

I also think that your DB is justified in his actions. At my wedding (four years ago), just the wedding party and parents of the bride/groom were at the rehearsal dinner. And our priest, I think. Just the people who were at rehearsal were at rehearsal dinner.

Now, we just went to my cousin's rehearsal dinner - there had to have been 40 people there. It was insane and we didn't really get the chance to talk to anyone. And I hear it cost probably the same amount as my entire wedding. It was really ridiculous.

[Deleted]

My feeling is that DB is trying to play by the rules of the bride's family but he's showing that he's not in their league.

And that's really catty.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

not. Mom tells me that they're having it at some la-di-da place that the bride's family suggested (bride's Dad has apparently done very well as a financial advisor) and it's expensive and there will be 39 guests.

These people will be your DB's in-laws and for the sake of the new couple sometimes it's prudent to play nice in the sandbox till the wedding is over. DB may be over extended with this venue but picked it to make her family happy.

A good chunk of those people might be the bride's side and to keep the peace DB has paid for them to attend.  Leaving little room for anyone from the groom's side.

You shouldn't assume you know what's going on behind closed doors.  

ETA: Even if it's not he's under no obligation to invite anyone other than attendees of the rehearsal and the parents.  He doesn't owe out of town guests a rehearsal dinner invite. 

[The Captain]

Dec 30, 2013 14:50:26 GMT -5 laterbloomer said:

My feeling is that DB is trying to play by the rules of the bride's family but he's showing that he's not in their league.

And that's really catty.

Not necessarily.  There could be truth in it, how do you know?

DH's parents were much better off than mine.  There was a lot of crap that started up when we announced our engagement.  I tried very hard for, oh about a month, to be accomodating for DH's sake.  Then I decided they were going to have to accept me for who I am, not who they wished I was, or pound sand.

20 years later I'm pretty sure DFIL still has not forgiven me.

[hoops902]

There are rehearsal dinners which are rehearsal dinners, and there are rehearsal dinners which are really pre-wedding parties.  They are having the former, you were expecting the latter. 

I'm sure no offense intended, and none should be taken.  It might be a money issue (if so, so what?), or it might simply be that they meant for this to be a rehearsal dinner and more intimate than inviting anyone and everyone who came in from out of town or had some relation to the couple. 

[Deleted]

My mom got really upset when her niece was married and my parents (along with my brother and sister and I) traveled from out of town and were not invited to the rehearsal dinner. She really let it affect her relationship with her brother, sister in law and niece.

Don't let that happen. It is not a big deal.

[Deleted]

Wow, that was fast- and pretty unanimous. Archie, I absolutely agree that it's sad when things like this, which are trivial in the long run, affect family relationships over a lifetime and I don't intend for that to happen. I'm just disappointed by my brother's decision, especially since I suspect my brother is doing better than I am and I can't complain about how I'm doing.

I'll just try to suck it up.

[sarcasticgirl]

It may very well be that the number of attendees must be limited due to space or some other such reason, or perhaps they are expecting a large volume of out of town guests. Either way, I wouldn't let it bother me.

[Timberwolf]

Maybe your brother never even thought about it.  Don't the bride and groom plan their wedding and the parents in general abide by their wishes (if the wishes are reasonable)?

[hoops902]

Dec 30, 2013 16:33:24 GMT -5 Timberwolf said:

Maybe your brother never even thought about it.  Don't the bride and groom plan their wedding and the parents in general abide by their wishes (if the wishes are reasonable)?

This isn't the wedding.  It's the rehearsal dinner, which usually gets planned by the groom's parents.

[Timberwolf]

I guess i thought the rehearsal dinner was part of the wedding as a whole.

[nogooddeed]

We drove 11 hours for my  nephew's wedding.  Weren't invited to the rehearsal dinner.  Ended up not being a big deal.  I tasted the leftovers and they weren't very good.    I always look for the silver lining. 

[motherto2]

It might also be the domino effect. If they invited you and DH, it could open a whole new layer of folks. That happened to me and my second husband. Second marriages for both of us, so we wanted very small at a local winery. If I had invited this one lady from work (as well as her husband and two kids) it would have necessitated me inviting about 10 other people at work as well as their families. We would have gone from about 40 to well over 100. There were some hard feelings with a few people at work, until I explained the situation. Not sure why she cared, she only ever talked to me about business on occasion, nothing ever personal. Funny thing is one of her cousins (a few times removed) that I work with had invited her and her family to their wedding 3 years ago. She accepted the invite, and then didn't show up. This young girl and her fiancé were paying for the whole wedding themselves. Pretty sure I'm glad I didn't invite her!

Let it go, and have a great time at the wedding! You might find the new in-laws are boorish, which saved you all a miserable evening!

[Spellbound454]

Can't say I know much about US wedding etiquette

.....but can't you meet up with other relatives for a visit, go out to dinner with them....or go sight seeing.
I'd be making the most of being in a different town and treating it as a bit of a break with a wedding thrown in.

[zibazinski]

DF and I talked wedding on this trip yesterday. He let me know that he'd like it to be just us and my aunt and uncle. I acknowledged his feelings/thoughts but thought "no F ing way." But he does have a point, too. Invite my kids then his have to be invited. Oh, boy. Invite my best girlfriend? What about the rest of my friends? I have friends in two states now so do I have two receptions/parties? OMG. It's easy to get married in Cayman Island and I sure am considering it but then everyone will be furious. 

[Deleted]

Go to the courthouse, Zib!  Invite yours and his kids.  That's how I did my second "wedding."

However, make sure the judge's boobs aren't hanging out.  Yep, no robe . . .  just a low-cut sundress.

Guess who didn't get my vote in the next election?  I'm sure it was pure coincidence (and not the picture and comment I posted all over Facebook) that she didn't get re-elected.

  Do I get the catty prize?  Lol.

[tcu2003]

I don't think you're being a brat, but I probably wouldn't be disgruntled. I do think it's a bit odd, though, especially as it seems in your family circle it's the norm to invite extended family to the RD. That's what we did at my wedding 3-1/2 years ago. And for what it's worth, the weddings I've been a part of the last several years have also included extended family at the rehearsal dinner, and sometimes all out of town guests.

[Deleted]

Dec 30, 2013 16:55:36 GMT -5 motherto2 said:

It might also be the domino effect. If they invited you and DH, it could open a whole new layer of folks.  <snip>

Let it go, and have a great time at the wedding! You might find the new in-laws are boorish, which saved you all a miserable evening!

I certainly understand the first part- DS married a wonderful young woman who came from a very large family (both parents had like 5 or 6 siblings) and we knew from the beginning that you invite all aunts and uncles or none, etc.  It's one of the reasons we had so many at the rehearsal dinner.  DH said, "looks like you've funded a family reunion on her side".  Yes, and I was happy to do it.  In the case of this wedding, I know that inviting aunts and uncles on our side, with spouses, would add 9 people (including DSIL's sister).    Presbyterians tend to be less prolific than Roman Catholics so I'm guessing it would add fewer on the bride's side.  Trust me, my brother would be able to handle it.  But yes, I know I need to let it go.

I doubt that the parents of my future niece by marriage are boorish- she's a very nice young woman and I'm sure her parents are, too.  And an evening at a good restaurant with fine wines is never miserable!

[Spellbound454]

I got married under an oak tree in a wood..........made the guests walk down into a woodland glade as a violinist was hidden in the trees playing Bach...
Then the bridesmaids and me came in in long velvet dresses and wild flowers....looking like wood nymphs.
We had prayers by St Francis...Poems by Shelley...Then back to the inlaws huge house.... for a garden party.....

It didn't cost a lot but it was wonderful.

I'm of the opinion that if you are getting married you should be able to do what you want.

[Tennesseer]

@athena53 - I can appreciate the situation.

My sister and I travelled well out of state to our niece's wedding.  We two were my brother's only extended family members who attended the wedding.  We were not familiar with the area where the church ceremony and reception were to be held.  Heck-we were not even told where the best place was to stay for several nights while visiting.

At the reception, my brother showed us pictures of the rehersal dinner.  In the pictures were the mother of the bride's father, sister, brother, along with their respective spouses and teenage children along with all the extended family of the groom.

My sister and I looked at each other and laughed.  How much more would it have cost for two more dinners?   My sister and I do not even drink so we would not have affected the booze tab which can be outrageous.

My sister and I laugh about it now.

[kittensaver]

Athena - I totally get what you're saying. I don't think you're being a brat - I think you're entitled to your feelings. You would only get yourself into trouble if you "acted out" on your hurt feelings (which of course you won't).

The rational, logical side of you knows that you're not "entitled" to anything, but the more emotional side can't help but be a little hurt. This happened recently in my family as well. My older DB and his wife have invited us to Thanksgiving every year for at least the past 20 years. This year, they (or more pointedly, she - he kept his mouth shut and looked very uncomfortable) announced to us that because her father has dementia (and a host of physical health problems) and is fading fast, she wanted to give "her" family once last chance to be together with him over the holiday and say goodbye before his memory fades completely. Really? I'm not family? I've not spent the last 20+ years with him at Thanksgiving too? (sarcasm/yes I have). Maybe I'd like the chance to "say goodbye" too? Okay, whatever . . . .

Logically we know that these life situations (your DB possibly tip-toeing around/trying to please his new in-law family) happen, and that logically we are not "entitled" to ANYTHING, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt just a little. And like I said, there's nothing wrong with feeling a little hurt because you've been "put to the side" . . . the only problem would be acting out inappropriately/publicly on those feelings (which again of course you would not do).

[Deleted]

Dec 30, 2013 18:30:14 GMT -5 Spellbound454 said:

I got married under an oak tree in a wood..........made the guests walk down into a woodland glade as a violinist was hidden in the trees playing Bach...
Then the bridesmaids and me came in in long velvet dresses and wild flowers....looking like wood nymphs.
We had prayers by St Francis...Poems by Shelley...Then back to the inlaws huge house.... for a garden party.....

It didn't cost a lot but it was wonderful.

I'm of the opinion that if you are getting married you should be able to do what you want.

It sounds beautiful but I KNEW if I planned an outdoor wedding it would rain!

I thoroughly agree that you should be able to do what you want, but I think you should also be a gracious host, and it sounds like you were.  I guess I'm just more welcoming than my brother.

[Shooby]

Let everyone have their own wedding, rehearsal dinner, etc, however THEY want to have it. Go, smile, wish the couple well and let it be. That is the role of guests, period.

[Sum Dum Gai]

Two people that you care about are promising to spend the rest of their miserable lives together, forsaking all others, and what little joy there is to be had on this miserable rock hurtling through space before they die.  Give them one day to plan things the way they want while everyone else butts out, shuts their traps, and wishes them well.  You have years ahead of both sides of the family guilting the new couple into snubbing one side or the other at Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.  Let them have their one single day without bitchin.

If Loop and I ever split I'm never remarrying.  If, in a moment of insanity I decided too, I'd elope, or have a small wedding somewhere inviting only the people I actually wanted there.  No guilt trips, no "it's tradition", no "how is Aunt Sally going to feel if you don't send her an invite?".  No bullshit.  Shit, I might not even invite all my siblings, and anyone who doesn't get an invite can suck my ass.  It's my fucking wedding.  Get over yourself.