Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 20:02:17 GMT -5
Two people that you care about are promising to spend the rest of their miserable lives together, forsaking all others, and what little joy there is to be had on this miserable rock hurtling through space before they die. Give them one day to plan things the way they want while everyone else butts out, shuts their traps, and wishes them well. And tidings of comfort and joy to you, too! I wish my nephew and his fiancée well- they're good, hard-working people. If their ceremony were followed by a potluck in the church basement, I'd cheerfully bring a casserole. My issue is with my brother and I'd never say a word to my nephew or his fiancée to put a damper on their happiness.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Dec 30, 2013 20:07:16 GMT -5
Sorry been married too long. I know how much it blows. Only thing worse is spending your whole life alone... and that just barely beats it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 30, 2013 20:20:36 GMT -5
I could deal with most things but not being married by a JP. I'd feel "not married. " I don't care if its a rabbi or a minister but it needs to be religious not some office somewhere by some clerk. I get not having some big blow of a wedding/reception like a young woman would have but to just go and get married? Ugh. That would suck as much as my proposal did.
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grits
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Post by grits on Dec 30, 2013 20:34:32 GMT -5
We have no idea why brother chose to do what he did. Many rehearsal dinners traditionally invited the wedding party, and parents of the couple. It would be nice to invite others but it is not customary in some circles. Do not assume that any venue would be about $100 a person. Some venues have extremely limited seating. They may have decided to keep the guest list limited to keep from offending people. Your brother may have attempted to limit the size of the dinner party to keep down his stress level. He already has enough stress with his child getting married. I hope you can thoroughly enjoy the wedding, and have a wonderful time.
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Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Dec 30, 2013 20:51:27 GMT -5
My thing is, it doesn't matter if you think he's being cheap or if you think he can afford it. It's his money, he can do what he wants with it. He may have set a budget for what he would contribute and inviting any one to the rehearsal dinner besides whomever made the cut is his and his wife's business. I do understand being annoyed because of the perception that he owes you, but you know that's not rational.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 21:13:55 GMT -5
Sorry been married too long. I know how much it blows. Only thing worse is spending your whole life alone... and that just barely beats it. Nope- worse is being in an unhappy marriage!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 30, 2013 21:14:43 GMT -5
Amen. I spent more happy years alone than I ever did being married.
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plugginaway22
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Post by plugginaway22 on Dec 30, 2013 21:26:00 GMT -5
He is not being cheap. We had DDs wedding this year, 150 people invited to our small town. Almost half were from out of town, staying in 3 local hotels. Inviting even just relatives to the rehearsal dinner would have been like having another reception! I totally agree with drawing the line at immediate families, bridal party and spouses.
We were invited to a wedding this summer that also invited all out of town guests to a champagne dessert that happened after the rehearsal dinner.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Dec 30, 2013 21:28:38 GMT -5
Looking on the bright side, perhaps you can look forward to some lovely vacations on the island?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2013 21:58:01 GMT -5
Looking on the bright side, perhaps you can look forward to some lovely vacations on the island? It's in Charlotte so no islands there! With any luck, another brother who lives in the area will have a gathering at his place. He and his wife are that kind of people- they'll throw open their house at the least excuse to family and friends and a good time will be had by all.
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Apple
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Post by Apple on Dec 30, 2013 22:06:29 GMT -5
If Loop and I ever split I'm never remarrying. If, in a moment of insanity I decided too, I'd elope, or have a small wedding somewhere inviting only the people I actually wanted there. No guilt trips, no "it's tradition", no "how is Aunt Sally going to feel if you don't send her an invite?". No bullshit. Shit, I might not even invite all my siblings, and anyone who doesn't get an invite can suck my ass. It's my fucking wedding. Get over yourself. This is me, except the Loop part, and I don't mind getting remarried if it seems right, but the rest, dead on. I want to elope, preferably in a country far, far away.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Dec 30, 2013 22:33:08 GMT -5
I was matron of honor in my BFF's wedding in 2012. Her MIL to be invited all of the out of town family guests to the rehearsal dinner (paid for by BFF's parents and she didn't ask) and it was nearly 45 people. The location had to be changed from a high end steak house to an all you can eat type place. I ended up sitting with the groom's extended family instead of anywhere near my BFF. I definitely felt shafted as the matron of honor but I tried to enjoy myself and loved the grooms family.
When will people learn that weddings are to celebrate the couple and not about themselves as the guest, mother/father, etc.?
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Sammy
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Post by Sammy on Dec 30, 2013 23:53:02 GMT -5
The most recent wedding we attended included not only the rehearsal dinner, but directly after the RH there was a 'get to know everyone' informal gathering with food for the guests that arrived the day before the wedding. Great way to keep peace.
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grits
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Post by grits on Dec 31, 2013 0:01:34 GMT -5
In a way, so many peoples complaints these days seem to be about keeping score.
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ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Dec 31, 2013 0:01:37 GMT -5
Any "rehearsal dinners" that I've attended have only included members of the bridal party and parents/grandparents.
If out-of-town guests wanted to have a pre-wedding celebration, that was usually arranged/planned (and paid for) by them at a separate venue - or they played it by ear.
Usually most just wanted to go their own direction the night before the wedding, or have a get together in the hotel dining room or nearby restaurant to where they were staying.
I don't feel the bridal party should have to include invited guests in a rehearsal dinner.
That's usually reserved for those who are actually a part of the wedding party & ceremony - it's a time to relax after all the chaos of preparing for the big day, and then "chilling" before the "main event".
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2013 7:27:15 GMT -5
When will people learn that weddings are to celebrate the couple and not about themselves as the guest, mother/father, etc.? I agree with you to a certain extent. My parents' instructions when my sibs and I were married were, "tell us when to be there and what to wear and we'll show up", although my mother was more involved in my sister's wedding because they were paying for it. (I married much later, at age 31 and was several states away and on my own.) When DS married, my Dad told me it was the job of the mother of the groom to wear beige and keep her mouth shut- i.e., fade into the background. I did make a short welcoming speech at the rehearsal dinner and introduce the pastor, who then said grace, but the wedding was DS' and DDIL's, not mine. The people planning the wedding, however, also need to consider the comfort and the culture of the guests. Sure, the couple has every right to leave their guests in a standing-room-only space with a cash bar while they go off and have post-ceremony pictures taken in an historic mansion, but it's not very considerate. Similarly, DH and I could have told everybody to leave their kids at home and find babysitters, or held the rehearsal dinner at some frou-frou place that would serve pan-seared ahi tuna drizzled with wasabi vinaigrette or the latest in molecular gastronomy, but that didn't fit the culture of their group of friends/family. We thought it was kind of cute when the little kids took the toothpicks with frilly cellophane wrappings out of the pinwheel sandwiches on the tables and stared fighting "duels" with them. So I guess that in the case of DN's wedding, I'm disappointed that my brother went against the family culture and norms.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Dec 31, 2013 7:49:42 GMT -5
@athena53 I have to respectfully disagree here.
As I've said before, DH and I came from very different backgrounds. I graduated from an all girls HS where it was a bit of a tradition to come back and get married in the Chapel and have the event catered in the Student lounge (decorated of course).
When I told my MIL those were my plans I got a "There is no way my son is getting married in a HS gym!" and the crap continued from there.
I finally caved in and we went with a fancy open bar and reception at a posh hotel nearby with the ceremony at our church. Thanks to the inevitable drunk uncle I regret that decision to this day.
I was paying for my share of the wedding and DH was expected to do the same (we were 27 and 25 when we married). When we asked for guest lists his parents gave us theirs with over 50 people on it (extended family, business associates, etc). I flipped. That was the final straw as I (and DH agreed) had said from the start we wanted a very small, intimate, group (no more than 50-55).
Seriously, I wanted to elope and was only having the whole wedding (dog and pony show) for the sake of DH. Even he was stunned by what his parents were demanding and told them each side could invite 20-25 people and he would sit down with them and figure out his sides guest list together with them.
My memories of our wedding are not all sunshine and roses. There was a lot of hard feelings because I refused to be treated like a doormat and actually had the nerve to say no to my in-laws. Trust me, I'm not a bridezilla but no one has the right to tell a couple that they need to bow to the wishes of their relatives. It's their day, not yours.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2013 7:54:59 GMT -5
I could deal with most things but not being married by a JP. I'd feel "not married. " I don't care if its a rabbi or a minister but it needs to be religious not some office somewhere by some clerk. I get not having some big blow of a wedding/reception like a young woman would have but to just go and get married? Ugh. That would suck as much as my proposal did. The judge (I don't think she was a JP but rather a county judge) actually performed a religious ceremony. It rather startled us although we liked it. What if we were atheists or Hindu or something? We weren't married in an office, but rather the courtroom. I actually had my family and best friend there. The only thing that wasn't perfect is the judge's boobs hanging out in the pictures. Yes, we took pictures even. My wedding didn't suck, Zib. But sorry your proposal did.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Dec 31, 2013 8:09:37 GMT -5
but no one has the right to tell a couple that they need to bow to the wishes of their relatives. It's their day, not yours. Sooooooooooooooooo yeah that!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 31, 2013 8:19:58 GMT -5
From what I hear from various women, it seems that most of theirs did but that they went on to a good marriage anyway. One of their first examples of how men and women think differently. I know DF thinks it was his finest moment!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 31, 2013 8:22:56 GMT -5
That being said, a lot of families now seem to be hosting a breakfast the day after as well. The newer trend is to have guests stay at a hotel that already serves breakfast and ask for a private room in the hotel. Great plan IMHO.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Dec 31, 2013 8:35:38 GMT -5
Weddings are stressful enough. Why make it more stressful by complaining about something that is NOT your wedding? People really just need to chill and go with the flow and stop looking for reasons to be pissed about everything.
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Dec 31, 2013 8:51:22 GMT -5
Maybe your brother never even thought about it. Don't the bride and groom plan their wedding and the parents in general abide by their wishes (if the wishes are reasonable)? This isn't the wedding. It's the rehearsal dinner, which usually gets planned by the groom's parents. Well, as a future mother of the groom, I am struggling with this question myself. DS is marrying a very sweet girl whose family is almost all local. DH's family is also pretty much all local, but my family is all out of town. I would like to have a big rehearsal dinner and invite the out of town guests (mostly my family) as well as the people who will be in the wedding. However - DS and FDIL have stated they want a very small, subdued wedding. I don't think her family is as well off as DH and I are, and they're just finishing up helping send two daughters to college. I think FDIL is planning to pay for the wedding herself, and FDIL and DS are both very low key people who would prefer to save their money for a downpayment on a house, and not blow it on a fancy wedding. I do NOT want to host a big blow out rehearsal dinner that costs more than the wedding itself. I don't want to be the kind of person who flaunts her money in front of her IL's. And I certainly don't want to be the pushy MIL who imposes her view of what a wedding should be like on her FDIL. So I haven't even brought up the topic of the rehearsal dinner yet. As the wedding plans firm up, I'll take DS to the side and ask him what kind of a rehearsal dinner they would like - casual BBQ with lots of friends and family? More formal setting with just the wedding party? Maybe just have everyone over to our house for drinks and snacks? I'll ask him to discuss it with his future wife, and then, whatever they decide - that's what DH and I will provide. Period. Possibly my relatives will not be happy. Possibly they will consider us cheap or unsophisticated if we don't have a fancy dinner in an expensive venue with an open bar, but I really, really want to get off on a good foot with my FIL's and FDIL, so I'll do what makes them happy, and not what pleases my family. Possibly, your brother is only complying with the same kind of request from his son and FDIL.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Dec 31, 2013 8:59:09 GMT -5
Aren't you (the OP) the one who was agnonizing over what to wear to the wedding? Like a pinstripe tux suit just to be different? If not, I apologize I am just to lazy to look up the other thread?
Their wedding their rules. Kinda like my house my rules.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Dec 31, 2013 9:05:07 GMT -5
I don't get why you'd want to even to go a rehearsal dinner. It's with a bunch of people you don't even know, and it's for just a few hours out of your lives, so I guess I don't understand what the angst is all about. I love my aunt and uncle very much, and am glad that they're still with us, but I never considered inviting them to my rehearsal dinner ( first wedding ). That was considered for immediate, lineal family and members of the wedding party only.
Just go to a nice restaurant, have a couple of drinks and dinner, and see if you can find a romantic carriage ride through the downtown of the city.
I mean, who cares if your brother "went against the family culture and norms ? "
Sorry, but I guess I just don't understand the angst about one dinner invitation. I certainly wouldn't speak to him about the situation.
Just my opinion, but it's their day, their event, and their choice.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 31, 2013 9:06:06 GMT -5
It's easy to make it your wedding your rules if you're paying for said wedding. When other people's money gets involved, you get another set of rules.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2013 9:08:29 GMT -5
Aren't you (the OP) the one who was agnonizing over what to wear to the wedding? Like a pinstripe tux suit just to be different? If not, I apologize I am just to lazy to look up the other thread?
Yes, that was my post. And I'm still thinking it over.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2013 9:10:52 GMT -5
Or you can be grateful that he has gone along with what you prefer when you had the party and he didn't make a fuss or make cracks about you being a show off or something. When you have the party you get it the way you like and since he has been nice enough to go along with you, it would be really nice if you could do the same for him.
My understanding of the rehearsal party is that it is a chance for the wedding party to visit together before they have to play hosts to everyone else at the wedding. It's kind of demanding to expect them to give up their time together.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Dec 31, 2013 9:11:42 GMT -5
It's easy to make it your wedding your rules if you're paying for said wedding. When other people's money gets involved, you get another set of rules. I understand that but the OP isn't paying for anything at least I don't think so. So why the big angst about not attending the rehearsal party. If she is footing part of the expense then that is another story altogether. Maybe I should have said it is their wedding their rules - not hers.....
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 31, 2013 9:12:42 GMT -5
Or you, yourself, give a party where the rest of the family not invited to rehearsal dinner comes and ask bridal party to show up later so all can meet them.
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