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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2013 0:17:18 GMT -5
I am utterly emotionally exhausted. We just had both my kids' families over for "Thanksgiving," and it was so chaotic that I was shaking by the end. There are eight grandkids . . . a ten, two sevens, a five, a three, a one, and two three-month-olds. They jumped off the fireplace, they climbed the ladder to the loft (which is a two-story drop if they fall through), they raced around the table, they lay on the floor and kicked their feet and cried as they pretended to be babies . . . well, you get the idea.
My DIL suggested I take drugs next time. I only think she was kidding. My daughter is a pharmacist, and they were making suggestions on what I should take.
Then it came to me. Why do I have to do all twelve of them (four kids plus parents X 2) at ONCE? They go to the same church so all of the grandkids see each other every Sunday. They go to other events together like the zoo, etc. They have cousins day once a month at my ex's farm (they have one other cousin besides them). They don't see ME much, but they all see each other all the time.
I spent almost zero time with individual grandchildren because there were so many of them. If I take it down to one family at a time, I might actually get to talk with them for more than a couple of minutes.
It really was an epiphany. I was trying to create this Hallmark moment that wasn't possible or necessary. We will all enjoy each other more. For example, SIX kids walked the dog. Lol. It was a riot, but not as much fun as it sounds.
Go ahead and criticize. I am just so happy that I've found a solution. No more juggling their schedules to match. We can all eat dinner at the same table.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 30, 2013 0:23:57 GMT -5
I'm from a massive family and it was the huge family gatherings that we all looked forward to. We don't have those big family gatherings now and I miss that.
But Susana I know where your coming from, so I'm glad you found your answer.
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Post by ՏՇԾԵԵʅՏɧ_LԹՏՏʅҼ on Nov 30, 2013 0:33:33 GMT -5
Aww - I understand your stress. I have the same issues at Christmas. My one niece's kids are holy terrors - to say the least. Two little boys that she lets run rough-shod around the house or table during holiday dinners. She just sits back and thinks it doesn't bother anyone else that her kids are making everyone else's day miserable while they terrorize the place.
My other niece's two little ones are angels - polite, and sitting or playing quietly when asked to.
I guess it's all how they're being taught at home. I can only imagine the chaos that ensues at niece #1's house on a daily basis. Her boys are monsters.
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Value Buy
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Post by Value Buy on Nov 30, 2013 0:38:06 GMT -5
Wait until they are all older, and everyone comes over and they talk about all the great Holiday gatherings you held for them in twenty years. It will be worth it then.
Sounds like a grand time was held by all but the host. Hope you divided some of the workload in the kitchen-that can help.
And you might just want to child proof a couple of rooms before next time. that always helps the nerves.
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CCL
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Post by CCL on Nov 30, 2013 0:42:33 GMT -5
Or maybe just let them be the hostess next time? Then you can sit back and watch or spend one on one time with each of them.
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grits
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Post by grits on Nov 30, 2013 0:54:54 GMT -5
Have you considered telling them that you are no longer up to handling it? You might suggest that they alternate the holidays at their houses.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2013 1:06:25 GMT -5
Have you considered telling them that you are no longer up to handling it? You might suggest that they alternate the holidays at their houses. I'm telling them that they need to alternate the days at MY house. We decorate only for the grandkids. We are too old to really care. We only buy presents for the grandkids. The stockings are my husband's major project. We want them at our house for the holidays. We just don't want them all at the same time until they are older. The ten-year-old is destructive; he has Oppositional Defiance Disorder and took a boxcutter to his mom's sofa. The younger kids treat him as their leader. It just wasn't fun. I didn't get to visit with my kids or their kids. Christmas will be better because it will be smaller.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Nov 30, 2013 1:13:50 GMT -5
Yeah see each family separately so as not to overwhelm yourselves.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Nov 30, 2013 2:20:41 GMT -5
I would cage the parents so you can hire tamers for the children. Sounds like awful parenting. I can see the one child being out of control but the others have no excuses. Personally when I have had people visit who don't control the children I inform them the children aren't welcome in my home, but they aren't my grandkids.
I think you are right to limit the quanity of people to a smaller number or drug the children or yourself.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2013 7:02:09 GMT -5
Yes, there are families where people have wonderful memories of the large gatherings; I miss the ones my ex-husband's family used to have (Italian food- yum!) but we moved out of the area and many of the cast of characters have died over the years.
In your case, it sounds like the big family gatherings are more perpetual like several hours of riot control. You don't want to leave the grandkids with memories of Grandma having anxiety attacks (or being zoned out on Xanax) on holidays. If you have much better experiences with one family at a time, when you can have conversations with the little ones, read books to them, cuddle the babies, etc. then that's what works for you.
You can explain it that way, too- "when all the kids are here I really don't have a chance to talk with them individually or get to know them. This way we can really enjoy visiting with each other."
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 30, 2013 7:21:33 GMT -5
Sounds like the issue is your kids can't keep their kids in-line. I would never allow my kids to run around someone else's house like that.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2013 8:03:35 GMT -5
We were at my wife's aunt last night. She has a big family get together every Friday after Thanksgiving. There were 7 kids there between the age of 2 and 8, and only one was a boy. They were running around the house. Playing "intruder" which involved the one boy getting push, pulled, cover with a blanket and sat one, etc, etc, by all the girls. They were up and down the stairs to the loft. They were nuts. I don't know how my aunt does it, but she seems to like it, although she was dong shots of amaretto by the end of the night. The kids had a blast, though.
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milee
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Post by milee on Nov 30, 2013 8:07:48 GMT -5
Susana, sounds like you have a good solution that will work for you and probably - if you explain it the right way - be more fun for the kids and grandkids as well. Who wouldn't want more individual time with Grandma?
So, how will it work? One family comes for lunch and one for dinner?
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Jake 48
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Post by Jake 48 on Nov 30, 2013 10:23:28 GMT -5
Sounds like the parents need a kick in the arse. But you got me thinking, DS1, going to be 27, babysits for a friend so he and the wife can get a date night out. DS sent me a picture of him with their daughter, she is 14 months. Now I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy about how cool it would be to have grand kids to spoil, give soda and chocolate to and send them packing
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Nov 30, 2013 11:24:53 GMT -5
I'm really on a "whatever works for you" kick (unless of course it affects me   . So, if that's how you want it, more power to ya. You'd have to prepare two meals though, don't forget about that part. What's the weather like there? Can you just send the mobile children outside? And, are we talking diagnosed ODD or just a brat?
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Regis
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Post by Regis on Nov 30, 2013 11:29:38 GMT -5
If it's really all about the behavior of the grandchildren, I would sit down with my kids and let them know that it's just too mentally exhausting to me and come up with a solution. That's my personality though - if I have a problem with someone, I talk with them about the problem and work it out instead of coming up with a solution that might have other adverse affects (your solution may or may not). Some people may not feel comfortable doing that.
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Tennesseer
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Post by Tennesseer on Nov 30, 2013 11:48:54 GMT -5
Maybe it is time to pass the Thanksgiving baton to the younger families and let one or the other hold the festivities at their home. They can switch who prepares the meal every other year.
It is time for them to begin and create their own holiday traditions.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2013 12:26:13 GMT -5
I'm really on a "whatever works for you" kick (unless of course it affects me . So, if that's how you want it, more power to ya. You'd have to prepare two meals though, don't forget about that part. What's the weather like there? Can you just send the mobile children outside? And, are we talking diagnosed ODD or just a brat? It was too dark and cold to send the kids outside. But even that's dangerous in daylight and good weather. My oldest grandsons were playing with some neighborhood children at their house. They got into the storage shed and decided to repaint the house with the spray paint they found. My DIL said it will cost $500 to have that section repainted. Last year they decided to take the lawn tools (rake, shovels, etc.) at our house and dig in the neighbor's field out back. The grass is taller than they are. We still haven't found all of the tools, but we did find someone's umbrella. Yes, the ODD is diagnosed. He is on medicine and is receiving counseling. There is some degree of poor parenting, but that's not entirely it. My daughter's kids are extremely well-behaved, but the oldest (a seven-year-old boy) feeds off his two older cousins' mischief. My son's kids are generally well-behaved around me, but that's because I don't tolerate misbehavior well. At home, they do what they want to because no one "watches" them. They flooded the basement taking a bath and letting the water just continue to flow over the side for about 30 minutes. My son was down there, but he was playing computer games. It's that sort of thing. I have to watch them while they are here because no one else does. My daughter-in-law has been reported to DHR because a strange woman (probably a neighbor) found the one-year-old in the middle of the street. She didn't know the ten-year-old had left the door open. The DHR report is not a big deal (unless something else happens), but it is indicative of how nonchalant their parenting skills are. However, I don't think that parenting style will change just because I express that opinion. I tend to keep my mouth shut about parenting. There were just too many kids to watch last night, and I ended up frantic and exhausted. Cutting the numbers in half will reduce my stress. My daughter thought having each family over individually was a "lovely" idea. I haven't heard yet from my son, but he won't care. They'll just make jokes about Mom's nervous breakdown. I don't want to give up hosting my family because it is "too much" for me. That really isn't the issue.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2013 12:58:43 GMT -5
I don't want to give up hosting my family because it is "too much" for me. That really isn't the issue. But isn't that the issue? It was too much for you to try to watch over 8 kids. And I don't understand why with the parents there you were the only one doing the watching. Anyway back to the OP: I say do what works for you and if the kids are ok with it the more reason to go for it.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Nov 30, 2013 13:37:26 GMT -5
We always had big family gatherings....the kids were usually out of the way, upstairs, with toys and videos... being watched over by grandpa, dad or uncle. Not because they were forced but because they weren't allowed to interrupt grown-ups talking...or run about....Some of the guests were quite elderly.
Its perfectly acceptable to see one family at a time if the situation is stressful. Its should be a wake up call to the families not to let their kids get too rowdy...... and show a bit more respect at grandmas house.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Nov 30, 2013 16:38:34 GMT -5
We always had big family gatherings at my grandparents....20+ kids plus all the adults. We were not allowed to run like wild animals through the house and were shipped outside if we got too rowdy. This was in Maine too and no one had a problem sending us out. We had a blast though digging caves and sliding down the snowbanks.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Nov 30, 2013 16:56:35 GMT -5
I don't blame you at all. I think splitting it up is a good idea- at least until the kids are older and have calmed down more.
In my family there are 4 siblings with 8 grandkids. I HATE family gatherings at my mom's house. Exhausting. It's DS (15), Nephew #1 14, Nephew #2 13, Niece 9, Niece 8, Nephew 7, Niece 6 and Nephew 4.
DS is the only well behaved one of the bunch
Older two nephews have broken half a dozen things at my mom's house. The older two nieces play fine together but screech a lot. The youngest two are my brothers kids and they are complete and total brats. 24/7. He is a horrible parent that pays no attention to them. He sent the 4 year old to my mom's today as a "Time Out" after the kid put a shovel through the TV at my brother's house. Apparently DBro was in the shower and DNephew was "trying to get the bad guys on the tv"
I have flat out told my folks that I don't like going up there when everyone is there. I will only go there for Thanksgiving and Christmas. Too hectic, loud, and just plain annoying.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Nov 30, 2013 17:20:57 GMT -5
My DIL suggested I take drugs next time
Next occasion tell her you want the drugs and then slip it into whatever the hellions are drinking I guess I never grasp the concept of letting children run wild in someone elses home but I am old school.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Nov 30, 2013 17:51:16 GMT -5
I just would be very frank with the parents and tell them that they can't have their families together at your place until the kids exhibit better behavior for extended periods of time. What a bitchy thing to do to suggest that you need to take medications on the holidays.
I am angry just reading that.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Nov 30, 2013 18:07:07 GMT -5
We are in the midst of "training" DD to behave. I spent half of T-Day in the back room in time-out with her. Then again, my mom did miscalculate the cooking time for the turkey and lunch was 1.5 hours late and 2 hrs after DD's nap time which contributed to her behavior. I would have put her down, but mom just kept saying "just 10 more minutes!"
I don't have any good memories of family get-togethers when I was younger. It was better when we would have dinner with just my grandparents, or just them + one aunt/uncle and their family. Took me awhile to realize holidays are supposed to be fun because I always dreaded them. Now that we all are grown I see my dad's parents maybe once a year (only if I happen to run into them at my parent's house), and I go see my mom's dad at least once a month. But he lives nearby so it's easier to see him. I see my cousins, aunts, and uncles maybe at weddings or funerals, or about every three years at some random family gathering. And we all live about 15 minutes away from each other.
Do what works best for you and foster good memories. Don't force some painful event to try & create some Norman Rockwell type of setting. It doesn't work.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2013 19:08:47 GMT -5
I took my 1 1/2yo grandson with me to the family Thanksgiving dinner, my daughter had to work. I know the havoc he wreaks at my house, so I kept a close eye on him. The house we were at wasn't exactly toddler friendly, so I did a lot of chasing lol. But I also heard "I see him" fairly often when he'd wander into another room. That meant someone else was keeping an eye on him and I didn't have to come running. We have family gatherings all the time, with a lot of kids (5 are coming with just my brother)and while we want them to be children and have fun, we don't let them run amok. Parents are expected to watch their children, but whoever sees a child running in the house or messing with something they shouldn't, tells them to stop, whether it's their own child or someone else's.
Family gatherings are suppose to be enjoyable for everyone, including the host/hostess. If having everyone over at the same time keeps you from enjoying the time with your family, do what works for you and your family. The big gatherings are no good if it's more stressful than joyful.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Nov 30, 2013 21:59:02 GMT -5
My DIL suggested I take drugs next time
Next occasion tell her you want the drugs and then slip it into whatever the hellions are drinking I guess I never grasp the concept of letting children run wild in someone elses home but I am old school. So much this. Everyone parents differently and everyone has different rules for their own house. We were pretty strict with our kids a s they were taught from a young age that all running, throwing balls, riding bikes, etc was either done outside or in the basement. We didn't run around with our hands all over the walls. We respected our house and expected the same from our children. I made the mistake of inviting my girlfriend and her three kids to stay the weekend. She is much more of a "free spirit" than we will ever be. By the time she left we had to repaint some of the walls and my husband basically banned her and her kids from the house! That is when I stopped inviting people wih kids over. I now know that not everyone treats a house like we do and I can't take the chance of someone trashing my house. To be clear, the walls weren't destroyed but they were bad enough in the foyer (2 story so not that easy to paint) that your eyes were drawn to the marks on the walls. My two kids would never have done that in m home, let alone someone else's.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2013 22:09:48 GMT -5
I am very much a free spirit... In my own home. If you are in someone else's house you follow rules of common decency and error on the side of most polite and respectful until invited to do otherwise...
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Post by Deleted on Nov 30, 2013 23:00:36 GMT -5
Ugh, I feel for you......I wouldn't have coped well at all in that situation. NOT.AT.ALL. Growing up in a big family in the 60's (5 sibs, 4 cousins) my Mother implicitely instructed us as to what we would do, say and how we would behave (read: seen and not heard, basically) every year before going to my Aunt's and cousins for Thanksgiving or any other time we'd go visiting.(Christmas each family stayed home and one set of g'parents(my dad's...mom's were 4 states away) would split their day in half to see their 2 sons' families) My Aunt always provided coloring books/crayone, playdo, puzzles, books, etc. too... I did the same when mine were young, talked to them about the 'rules' before every holiday when our whole family carried on the earlier traditions, plus I took a couple of their current toys and books with us. I never had a problem and neither did my Mother. But I watched my kids closely, too. But one of my sis's let her kids run wild like hellions and ugh, I swear they gave ME headaches.
I have 2 grown (ds, dd) and 2 g'kids from my ds...so not nearly as many as you have. My kids (and g'kids) know how I want the kids to behave and how much 'activity' I can literally handle (haha...) I don't believe at all in the 'seen and not heard' my Mother implemented but I do believe in manners. I start the visit with me and grands at the dining table and we talk/laugh for about 15 min. Small talk, school, favorites, etc. Then it's me back to kitchen time and they talk to other family members for another 15 min or so.. Then I offer them their choice of assorted crafts and movies...and they move to their 'kid' table I set up in another room and start creating. They can watch movies in there too. They're still young (gd 8, gs 6,) enough that it works. My fridge gets restocked with all new pictures, stickers made into stories on artist stock, too which is nice. Another way it works for all of us, is that it isn't an all day affair. They were here for 3 hours, (2pm-5pm) that's enough for both their parents and us.. The kids and their parents had a date to watch their first Christmas movie together when they went home too, so they were excited. I send them with lots of left overs which they really appreciate.
I think the plan you've come up with is PERFECT...here's to far more relaxed holidays with your family.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Dec 1, 2013 9:34:01 GMT -5
...:::"And I don't understand why with the parents there you were the only one doing the watching.":::...
I totally get it. I don't like it, but I get it. The parents want some time off too. 4 kids each sound like a handful.
...:::"He sent the 4 year old to my mom's today as a "Time Out" after the kid put a shovel through the TV at my brother's house. Apparently DBro was in the shower and DNephew was "trying to get the bad guys on the tv"":::...
Wow... the way kids think. They don't understand that the HDTV took hours of working to earn. They don't understand that water can get into places and cause black mold. Or that it costs money to have painters come out and re-paint an area. They don't get that scuff marks are ugly and take elbow grease to remove. They don't understand that my banksia vase from Australia is not something I can easily replace if it gets broken. They don't get that the coffee table isn't a step stool or a stage, or that glass can't necessarily support their weight and if they fall through it, they are dead. And they may not get that if you tease an animal, its going to defend itself.
The only kid that comes over regularly has courteous parents who watch him carefully. So far so good.
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