Firefly
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Post by Firefly on Oct 30, 2013 22:31:18 GMT -5
As some of you know, I took in my sister when she was pregnant and fell into a hard time. Her husband moved to out of state for a job and got laid off and is mooching off of his mom saying he can’t find anything. Anyway she has a child now and I was ok for her to stay with me until she gets back on her feet. Well she graduated early but is not doing anything to find full time employment she works at the day care her son goes to about 20 hours a week for basically minimum wage. My cousin moved to the country few months ago and was staying with her aunt. To make long story short, she got a work permit and few weeks ago was hired at one of the department stores in the mall near me. She doesn’t know how to drive nor does he have a car so she is relying on the bus system which is not that great here. It is about 2 to 2 and ½ hours bus ride to get to her work from her aunts house but about 10 minutes from my place. So about two weeks ago, I think it was a Friday she called me and said the bus doesn’t reach her aun’ts house at night and can she come over? I said ok because I wasn’t thinking she will just move herself in. the last two weeks she has been here sharing my sisters bed and not going back. I haven’t asked her yet when she intends to go back to her aunt’s house. But then I don’t know how to say that without sounding like insensitive jerk. But I have about had it with them and I want them out yesterday. Oh and my husband is mainly on the road now and said he doesn’t want to see them when he is back.
I forgot what I was asking for now lol but how do you tell someone to move out without hurting their feelings anyway? Especially if they don’t have better options now. Help
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2013 22:36:40 GMT -5
I might get slammed for this, but your sister is low income with a kid... Walk her through applying for assistance... And when she moves out, cuz can go with... Until then, when husband is home, could they all stay with aunt?
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Tiny
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Post by Tiny on Oct 30, 2013 22:49:33 GMT -5
I might get slammed for this, but your sister is low income with a kid... Walk her through applying for assistance... And when she moves out, cuz can go with... Until then, when husband is home, could they all stay with aunt?
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JustLurkin
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This is what you look like right now.
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Post by JustLurkin on Oct 30, 2013 22:58:38 GMT -5
She's married, with a new baby, they haven't mentioned...uhhh...moving back together?
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Oct 30, 2013 23:25:58 GMT -5
Weren't you bashing other posters a few months ago for being selfish and not supporting their families?
For the cousin that moved in without your permission, I would just tell her to move back to her aunt's house and that there isn't enough room for her. If you are in an apartment it may be against the fire codes to have her, your sister, and the child sharing one room.
When is your husband going to be back? If he is determined to have your sister gone, I would just give her a deadline to move out rather than cause problems for the marriage.
If the dates are flexible you can start charging her rent and save the money in a move out fund to help pay their deposit for their own place.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 30, 2013 23:36:57 GMT -5
mmmmm JustLurkin was mighty tasty! Firefly, you need to tell them both that you love them and appreciate their situation, but you can't be their flophouse and they are taking advantage of your willingness to help them temporarily. Tell them that there are social service programs to help them and that they need to go find out about them. Give them a firm move out date of 21 - 30 days and then push them out the door if they have excuses at that time (seems like they can both go to aunts if necessary). You are rather a doormat in this situation & you have to know that cousin was "planning" to bunk out at your house when she accepted that job a couple hours ride from her residence. Now, just to make sure there are no constraints on telling them to leave: Are they non rent paying guests in your home? If so, then they are there at your pleasure only & there is no notice required. If you have charged them rent, then you must follow month to month tenancy requirements in your state. If you have done something part way between, like sharing utilities, you might need some advice if it was not documented what the payments were for, or if they could be perceived as rent payments. You must be a nice person and quiet, so they figured they could impose on you this way. No matter how nicely or meanly you deliver the message that they are not welcome to live in your house, it will not end well, so you really shouldn't worry too much about hurting their feelings. No matter how generous or gracious you are, you will be made out to be the bad guy. Get over it now so it doesn't influence your ability to actually get them out of the house. This will cause hard feelings for a while, but you just need to know that it is NOT your job to support these ladies. You are not their mother or their spouse.
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Firefly
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Post by Firefly on Oct 31, 2013 0:21:09 GMT -5
Rock it, there is no rent, utility or any type of payment from them not even grocery. So I don't have to worry about that and I wouldn't mind paying first month and deposit for my sis but she wouldn't qualify to rent any where without full time job. And she doesn't seem to be in any kind of hurry to find better one
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Oct 31, 2013 0:24:57 GMT -5
Rock it, there is no rent, utility or any type of payment from them not even grocery. So I don't have to worry about that and I wouldn't mind paying first month and deposit for my sis but she wouldn't qualify to rent any where without full time job. And she doesn't seem to be in any kind of hurry to find better one Then it sounds like it's going to be up to you to "create" the hurry for her. If you want to change your life, sometimes you need to trade your wishbone for a backbone and get to work . . . just sayin' . . .
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Firefly
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Post by Firefly on Oct 31, 2013 0:26:24 GMT -5
She's married, with a new baby, they haven't mentioned...uhhh...moving back together? It was a shot a gun wedding cause she was preggo and I don't think they're all that compatible
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reader79
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Post by reader79 on Oct 31, 2013 1:39:45 GMT -5
Send your sister to live with her husband and MIL? How can their family even have a chance if they are not even in the same state. But I would bounce the cousin first, or else she might take over the room entirely. And then change the locks.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Oct 31, 2013 7:48:58 GMT -5
'Cuz, when you asked if you could come over, I didn't know you meant to stay. There isn't enough room here so you will need to move your stuff back out. Do you need any help?'
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 31, 2013 8:08:17 GMT -5
She's married, with a new baby, they haven't mentioned...uhhh...moving back together? It was a shot a gun wedding cause she was preggo and I don't think they're all that compatible So? What does being compatible have to do with being a mooch? DH and I aren't "all that compatible." We only agree on finances, parenting styles, and are the same religion (though we don't even view our religion the same). Doesn't give us a right to mooch off of others. Your family is making poor choices. Your job is not to make excuses and enable. If you have problems setting boundaries, read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend and find a therapist to role play until you get a backbone. No matter what you say, you are going to sound like an insensitive jerk.(It's not your job to try to manage other people's feelings, either.) Just go for it in one quick swoop. It's much easier to rip the bandaid off rather pick it off slowly. Why wouldn't your husband's needs come before your sisters? Yes, your sister has a kid, but she's now extended family. Your husband is your nuclear family. ETA: Sis, I love you. You cannot stay here beyond Thanksgiving. If you choose to try to stay beyond Thanksgiving, I will remove your things and ask that my locks on my apartment be changed. Can I help you find a new place in any way?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 31, 2013 8:15:26 GMT -5
If you're that chicken, tell her your husband wants her out. It's true anyway. Then change the locks.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 31, 2013 8:23:42 GMT -5
As I read it, you said your cousin recently came to this country and now has a permit to work and a job. That tells me she's most likely here legally. Who sponsored her to come to this country? That's the person who's responsible for her - not you. If I were you, I'd see that person takes their responsibility in this case.
Your sister, if she's not actively seeking work that will allow her to provide for herself and her child, needs to either get a job that will do that within a set time frame (whenever your husband is due back would be a good limit), get on welfare, or go live with her husband and his mother.
In no way are you responsible for these people. While one is, at least, working the other doesn't sound like she's particularly interested in working. As long as she can use you, why should she? You just need to tell them the truth, firefly. Your home is your home, not theirs. You've tried to help them but you're not going to take responsibility for them. That's up to them. Then, give them a solid date to get the heck out of your house and stand by it. They'll have all kinds of nasty things to say, I'm sure, but that's to be expected. They've been getting exactly what they want without any effort on their parts, so they've come to think that's the way it's going to be. That has to change and you have to change it.
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Rocky Mtn Saver
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Post by Rocky Mtn Saver on Oct 31, 2013 8:25:30 GMT -5
She's married, with a new baby, they haven't mentioned...uhhh...moving back together? It was a shot a gun wedding cause she was preggo and I don't think they're all that compatible What's the point of a shotgun wedding if the two kids are not going to live together and he's not going to support them financially? I mean, why bother? In this day and age, there's no public stigma for a single mother, so why bother?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2013 8:41:47 GMT -5
"'Cuz, when you asked if you could come over, I didn't know you meant to stay. There isn't enough room here so you will need to move your stuff back out. Do you need any help?'"
I wouldn't say anything about not having room there for her because that is irrelevant. And it opens the door for her to attempt to come back when the sister is out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2013 8:45:00 GMT -5
I can be a pushover but when I've had enough I don't give a flying fuck about saying anything "nicely". Tell them to get out using any words necessary! If they end up hating you for the rest of your lives (which I highly doubt)...well, that's 3 less Christmas presents you need to buy.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Oct 31, 2013 10:50:49 GMT -5
::Now, just to make sure there are no constraints on telling them to leave: Are they non rent paying guests in your home? If so, then they are there at your pleasure only & there is no notice required. If you have charged them rent, then you must follow month to month tenancy requirements in your state. If you have done something part way between, like sharing utilities, you might need some advice if it was not documented what the payments were for, or if they could be perceived as rent payments.::
I don't think this is true. I agree with "guests", but if they have established residence in your home, regardless of whether they pay rent, they are not guests. This is their address. I'm guessing sister is much more likely to be a resident than cousin. This is why you can't just lock out your live-in bf/gf just because they don't pay rent. Once you establish a residence, I think you have some more complex eviction processes. Charging rent can go a long way to providing residence, but I don't think it's the only consideration.
That's why it might be important to get cousin out quickly before this becomes her residence legally. Not sure if 2 weeks is enough time or not.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Oct 31, 2013 11:13:19 GMT -5
I don't think there is a way for you to ask them to leave that won't result in some hard feelings. I'm not saying be a jerk about it, but you have to put on your big girl panties and do what's best for you and yours.
If you want, you can try and ask them when they intend to move out, or what their plans are in that regard. Maybe they have a plan, probably not, but it never hurts to ask. Other than that, just ask them to please leave your home.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2013 11:20:50 GMT -5
It's a pet peeve of mine that people try not to hurt the feelings of the people taking advantage of them. Or conversely, the people taking advantage get huffy when they are told to stop. You telling them to leave is not the problem here. Them overstaying their welcome is the problem and it is up to them to be worried about your feelings.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Oct 31, 2013 11:33:55 GMT -5
::Now, just to make sure there are no constraints on telling them to leave: Are they non rent paying guests in your home? If so, then they are there at your pleasure only & there is no notice required. If you have charged them rent, then you must follow month to month tenancy requirements in your state. If you have done something part way between, like sharing utilities, you might need some advice if it was not documented what the payments were for, or if they could be perceived as rent payments.:: I don't think this is true. I agree with "guests", but if they have established residence in your home, regardless of whether they pay rent, they are not guests. This is their address. I'm guessing sister is much more likely to be a resident than cousin. This is why you can't just lock out your live-in bf/gf just because they don't pay rent. Once you establish a residence, I think you have some more complex eviction processes. Charging rent can go a long way to providing residence, but I don't think it's the only consideration. That's why it might be important to get cousin out quickly before this becomes her residence legally. Not sure if 2 weeks is enough time or not. To be honest, how likely is it that her mooches know this? I sure wouldn't be informing them of it. I'd address it ONLY if they brought it up first and they'd be quite sure to never get another second of help from me. No faster way to end your relationship with me than to try to make my life harder for having helped you out.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 31, 2013 11:38:55 GMT -5
stop feeding them, lock up the toilet paper and soaps, etc. Stop making it comfy. And grow a set and tell them they need to leave.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 31, 2013 11:39:38 GMT -5
Yep, I agree with Hoops as far as possibly having residency "rights" but my thought was also the same as razor blade chocolate bar's: i doubt that they know about this.
Lots of good advice and solutions have been given, but I don't think finding a solution is the problem. I think your being non-confrontational and wanting avoid a bad situation is what's stopping you. Sorry if I sound harsh or judgy; I don't mean to.
As someone already mentioned, set a deadline and follow through. I think that time period between when you lay down the law and they finally get out is the uncomfortable space you are trying to avoid. No way around it, I'm afraid.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Oct 31, 2013 12:02:31 GMT -5
::To be honest, how likely is it that her mooches know this? I sure wouldn't be informing them of it. I'd address it ONLY if they brought it up first and they'd be quite sure to never get another second of help from me. No faster way to end your relationship with me than to try to make my life harder for having helped you out. ::
If you're just telling them to get out, no big deal. If you tell them to get out and they don't, and you take extra measures like locking them out or throwing their stuff on the lawn, they're more likely to figure out you're doing something illegal because they're more likely to call and complain to someone who knows, or the cops.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 31, 2013 12:06:46 GMT -5
Maybe they are like some posters who think family is entitled to live off you?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 31, 2013 12:07:58 GMT -5
::To be honest, how likely is it that her mooches know this? I sure wouldn't be informing them of it. I'd address it ONLY if they brought it up first and they'd be quite sure to never get another second of help from me. No faster way to end your relationship with me than to try to make my life harder for having helped you out. :: If you're just telling them to get out, no big deal. If you tell them to get out and they don't, and you take extra measures like locking them out or throwing their stuff on the lawn, they're more likely to figure out you're doing something illegal because they're more likely to call and complain to someone who knows, or the cops. Something tells me that a recent immigrant and a gal who was coerced into a shotgun wedding aren't going to be much of a threat...
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 31, 2013 12:13:13 GMT -5
The newly-moved in cousin shouldn't be a problem. As for the sister, with no job and no bill-paying happening, I don't see her even needing an address. If she WAS working and had an active bank account then those things (among others) would probably show the OPs address as her own and that would definitely work as "proof" of residency to some extent.
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kjto1
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Post by kjto1 on Oct 31, 2013 12:33:46 GMT -5
Load up the cousin/belongings in your car and drop off at aun'ts house. Then this weekend, load up sister/baby/belongings in car and drop off at her MIL's house. She doesn't have a job, she can be with her husband.
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Bluerobin
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Post by Bluerobin on Oct 31, 2013 12:34:31 GMT -5
Go to a tattoo parlor, get "Welcome" tatooed on your back and lay in front of the door. Either that or grow a set of stones and tell them they have overstayed.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Oct 31, 2013 12:40:29 GMT -5
To DS: "What is your plan to move out of here? Oh, you don't have one? Then we need to sit down and make one - now. I can give you until (date), then you must move out with someone else or on your own. Do you need help contacting hubby/family or social services?"
To cousin: "I'm sorry, but it appears that you thought the chance to stay here was a long-term invitation. I'm sorry but I'm not able to accommodate that. You can only stay until (date - preferably just a few days). I will help you return to aunt's house."
And mean it. And stick to it.
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