Help me get these people out

[justme]

Actually - I think the question boils down to: What's more important? Not hurting your sister or not hurting your husband/marriage? He's already to the point of wanting them out, resentment tends to follow.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"He's already to the point of wanting them out, resentment tends to follow.":::...

He should already be resentful that his feelings on the matter got totally subordinated.  I get having a soft spot for family.  Like I said though, I'd be really angry over actions that amount to "I know you don't agree, but I want what I want".  Once that mutual respect thing is gone, "game on" tends to follow.

[8 Bit WWBG]

Ahhhh, I re-read the "selfish" post too.  I won't re-post it; because this isn't really about throwing her previous words in her face.

The point is: really think about how you felt then, vs. how you feel now. Think about YOUR feelings; and why they don't seem to be as important as hers. You posted for a reason -- possibly even suspecting that someone would call you out on how harsh you were to someone else in the situation you are now in.

There is nothing wrong with "going to hell and back" for family IF you can trust that they will go to hell and back for you. Your relatives may be down now, and your help could mean the difference between getting them back on their feet, or enabling them for life.

[Deleted]

You definitely missed the boat with your sister. She obviously thinks the cousin is a PITA, but she and her baby are totally welcome. She needs to "think again", and if she doesn't manage to do it on her own, you need to make her do it. 

I'd have told her, it's a shame that you don't want to live with cousin, because you do realize that as much as I love you, you can't stay here forever, you need to be making other plans. So what do you want to do, and how can I help you? Would you rather move in with MIL / with your DH / with cousin? Because unfortunately, you can't stay here after (end of Nov). 

Then blame it on your DH. Who cares?! as I said, DH and I have good cop / bad cop down to a fine art LOL. 

I also agree about what Gowron said about your cousin staying behind your DH's back. I could see telling her you would let her stay exceptionally, since she is obviously trying to make a future for herself (unlike your sister). But telling her she can stay whenever your DH is traveling just shows her you think your DH is unreasonable, and whether your cousin and your sister like each other or not, you can be sure that that info will make itself back to your sister. 

One question, Firefly: I'm guessing that in a year from now, you, your DH, your sister, her baby, and your cousin will NOT all be living with you. So, who is your priority? Who do you see yourself living with in a year? It should be your DH. If it's not, and he ends up getting fed up and leaving, good for him, because he deserves better than somebody who puts everybody else first. 

Good luck to you. 

[Firefly]

I have re-read everything and you all have a good point and gave me a lot think about. We had a family conference about sis and everyone agreed she needs to come up with a solid plan to be out. So she is all pissed off now for saying she has to move and involving the family as if they were unaware she was living with me.

Anyway I really wanted to get mom on board and she was surprised I lasted this long lol and said yes if she has a plan we will all help with deposit and first/last month rent otherwise drop her off at the nearest shelter and change your locks. Fine by me.

And yes cuz found a place, I helped with application fee and partial deposit and she will be getting the keys on the 15th of this month.

[Spellbound454]

We had a family conference about sis and everyone agreed she needs to come up with a solid plan to be out. So she is all pissed off now for saying she has to move and involving the family as if they were unaware she was living with me.

She doesn't have the right to be pissed....Remind her of how good you have been to her and how you are trying to help her.
As much as you love her, its causing problems in your marriage.....and your husband and marriage have to come first.

She isn't a child. A normal reasonable adult would thank everyone for their help and look for alternatives.....so don't let her manipulate.
whilst you love her and will help her...you aren't her keeper.

[Deleted]

Timeout....hold on a minute.  So, you have been allowing your sister AND cousin to live with you against your husband's wishes, but now want to tell your husband that he cannot let his teen daughter come and live with you guys because you don't want the responsibility of a teenager?

[raeoflyte]

I don't mean to pile on, but I can see why your sister is upset that you had to call a family meeting instead of just talking to her directly. It sounds like your opinions have changed drastically over the last few months (based on your previous posts). I'm guessing you shared your previous feelings on the subject with your sister, but not how you have started to feel resentful. So she was blind-sided with your change of heart and feels ganged up on to boot.

I'm getting the feeling that you might need to get some help in learning how to communicate emotions and boundaries.

[zibazinski]

Missed the teenager moving in? When did this happen?

[Nazgul Girl]

    I think a family conference is the right way to go in this situation, because one sibling/cousin has been "taking care of" her sister and cousin, instead of the parents of these people getting involved.   Not that parents should be responsible for their grown offspring, but neither should Firefly.   Also, the sister seems to be manipulative, so it's good that all others in the family are on board and knowledgeable about what's going on, so that sis can't go from one person to the next crying about how mean ole Firefly kicked her out.

    Sometimes it takes a whole family to make somebody grow up.   And if sis wants to fool around, get pg, get married in a shotgun wedding, etc., that's her choice, not Firefly's.  

    Also, I feel happy that Firefly is evolving her viewpoints, and say "congrats " on re-reading everything from the past, and thinking it all over.   That's great, Firefly.   Sometimes, I have a hard time admitting I'm wrong, or have a limited viewpoint on something, so I think that it's great that Firefly has reached some new conclusions.

    I have found that one of the problems with "helping" people is that it sets up the expectation that you will continue to "help" ( read "enable" here ) them.   They quickly get resentful when the wheels fall off the gravy train.

[raeoflyte]

Nov 3, 2013 9:02:06 GMT -5 Nazgul Girl said:

    I think a family conference is the right way to go in this situation, because one sibling/cousin has been "taking care of" her sister and cousin, instead of the parents of these people getting involved.   Not that parents should be responsible for their grown offspring, but neither should Firefly.   Also, the sister seems to be manipulative, so it's good that all others in the family are on board and knowledgeable about what's going on, so that sis can't go from one person to the next crying about how mean ole Firefly kicked her out.


    I have found that one of the problems with "helping" people is that it sets up the expectation that you will continue to "help" ( read "enable" here ) them.   They quickly get resentful when the wheels fall off the gravy train.

I must have missed the part about the sister being manipulative?

It certainly could be, but what I'm picturing is firefly offering her home to sis and niece/nephew while bil looks for work. Firefly believed strongly in helping family and told sis that without setting boundaries/expectations. So this is what sis is operating under-that she is welcome in her sisters home, and more than a house guest. Then suddenly firefly brings in the whole family to tell sis she's a slacker/free loader instead of even trying a private conversation.

Hopefully I'm wrong. I know I'd rather someone talk to me directly first rather than call in an audience.

[zibazinski]

Wow. Can you try it over the summer and see how it goes? I guess it'd depend on what kind of relationship I had with his daughter. Whether she likes it or not, the primary care will fall to her, therefore her input is very important. No one I dated seriously liked DD and with good reason. She was very difficult to like. I had that issue myself. Add a spouse/SO into the mix and you have the house from hell. I had a teacher acquaintance have this very issue. She married a guy with a daughter in another state. She was okay with a few weeks here and there but never wanted to be a mom, period. Fast forward, bio mom dies and this teenager ends up in her home. She was totally freaking out because it never occurred to her that she could end up "mom!" No one was sympathetic toward her at all. I applaud those who can and do step p to the plate because it isn't easy with your own child even to draw upon the nice memories of when she was a cute child. But someone else's? I don't think it occurs to a lot of steps that it can happen to them. Life changes. I didn't get too serious with a guy because although I liked his daughters, I didn't like his son for various reasons. That son was very young and going to be around a very long time. It was in everyone's best interest that I move on.

[happyscooter]

I thought the sister called the family meeting.

[8 Bit WWBG]

...:::"She doesn't have the right to be pissed...":::...

I agree she "shouldn't" be pissed, given all that she's gotten.  Realistically though, I wonder if I'd put up with a limited amount of "pissed" so long as it results in action and change.  We all knew hurt feelings were inevitable.  Perhaps "pissed" is to mask "scared" or "hurt" and even the most reasonable people who knew they had a very sweet deal will have a negative reaction at it coming to an end so abruptly.  Doubly so because of this:

...:::"So this is what sis is operating under-that she is welcome in her sisters home, and more than a house guest.":::...

WE know that Firefly has hit her breaking point.  However, if she has always told her relatives the same "family helps family, period" stuff she asserted in the kaptan thread, then there is no way that such a shift won't come as a shock!

...:::"So, you have been allowing your sister AND cousin to live with you against your husband's wishes, but now want to tell your husband that he cannot let his teen daughter come and live with you guys because you don't want the responsibility of a teenager?":::...

*beep*  *beep*   *beep* (backing up noise).  I'm going to read the other thread.  However if the above is an accurate summary, I'm not sure you have a leg to stand up.  If I were your DH, I'd either be cashing in my political capital from housing 2 of your relatives, or maybe I'd just mail my daughter a key and say "my wife doesn't support this, but I'm going to allow it anyway".