mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 10, 2013 10:01:53 GMT -5
I definitely hear you! This is one of my "hot buttons". I worked in ER many years ago, and I really enjoyed it. It was fast-paced and one saw and treated a wide variety of conditions. Then, I saw my first abused child. I just couldn't get past it. The fury I felt when I saw that child just wouldn't let me go. I stayed until the next child came in with a broken arm and bruises all over, with a big knot on the back of her head. According to "mom", poor "daddy" just lost his patience. Umm, the little girl was about 4, if I remember correctly. That's when I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to slap "mom" silly and hunt down "daddy". I moved to ICU and never looked back. I'd just started my nurse practitioner studies and knew I wouldn't want to be a family practitioner. I chose to treat adults because I knew I couldn't deal with what I'd seen in the ER constructively. Sooner, or later, I was going to be arrested for murder.
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Virgil Showlion
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Post by Virgil Showlion on Oct 10, 2013 10:03:59 GMT -5
I can say with a great deal of thanksgiving that my life has never been touched by domestic violence. Never known it. Never witnessed it. Never suspected it in the homes of friends and family--even the broken ones. Never heard about it in a classmate. Never come across it in the course of my work. Never had to discuss it in any sense other than academically. Given the numbers they put up year after year, I count that a blessing.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 10, 2013 10:04:24 GMT -5
The other day we were driving past one of the houseing projects in town and GW2 says "I used to live there. That's where I was raped. There were a whole bunch of us that used to play soccer in the park across the street"... ...uh...okay... Oh, laterbloomer! How difficult that must have been for you to hear. While the damage can never be undone, GW2 has you to talk to (and GW1) and help her work through it to mitigate that damage as much as is possible. Thanks for doing what you do.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 10, 2013 10:06:41 GMT -5
I can say with a great deal of thanksgiving that my life has never been touched by domestic violence. Never known it. Never witnessed it. Never suspected it in the homes of friends and family--even the broken ones. Never heard about it in a classmate. Never come across it in the course of my work. Never had to discuss it in any sense other than academically. Given the numbers they put up year after year, I count that a blessing. It definitely IS a blessing, Virgil. That little child, all those years ago, was my first encounter. Within 6 months, I had my second encounter. That was enough for me. While I did see it again a few times over the years, I knew I couldn't deal with it as often as one saw it in the ER. No way!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 10, 2013 10:08:42 GMT -5
I can say with a great deal of thanksgiving that my life has never been touched by domestic violence. Never known it. Never witnessed it. Never suspected it in the homes of friends and family--even the broken ones. Never heard about it in a classmate. Never come across it in the course of my work. Never had to discuss it in any sense other than academically. Given the numbers they put up year after year, I count that a blessing. The problem with domestic violence is that people don't talk about it. Also, if you remember the Terri thread over on the old YM, the people who are victims of domestic violence are often in denial and don't see it that way, and Terri was a social worker and should have known better. I'll bet you do know someone, it just isn't talked about. ETA: I have a friend from elementary school who was raised in an abusive home. She had been through years of therapy and recognized what was abusive about her home life. She was dating a guy and several of us pointed out how he was abusive. She didn't believe us, until they broke up and about 6 months later it dawned on her.
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Virgil Showlion
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Post by Virgil Showlion on Oct 10, 2013 10:16:23 GMT -5
I can say with a great deal of thanksgiving that my life has never been touched by domestic violence. Never known it. Never witnessed it. Never suspected it in the homes of friends and family--even the broken ones. Never heard about it in a classmate. Never come across it in the course of my work. Never had to discuss it in any sense other than academically. Given the numbers they put up year after year, I count that a blessing. The problem with domestic violence is that people don't talk about it. Also, if you remember the Terri thread over on the old YM, the people who are victims of domestic violence are often in denial and don't see it that way, and Terri was a social worker and should have known better. I'll bet you do know someone, it just isn't talked about. Given the statistics, I'm sure there must be. Even so, there's a correlation--however partial--between no observed violence and no actual violence, and I'll take not observing violence any day.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 10, 2013 10:17:54 GMT -5
LOL, most abusive people know not to hit their partners in public or in front of people.
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Virgil Showlion
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Post by Virgil Showlion on Oct 10, 2013 10:22:28 GMT -5
Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't many abused people actually seek out abusive relationships--in the sense that it's all they know?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 10, 2013 10:23:09 GMT -5
Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't many abused people actually seek out abusive relationships--in the sense that it's all they know? Yes, they do. But she had been in therapy to "break the cycle"
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 10, 2013 10:25:05 GMT -5
The other day we were driving past one of the houseing projects in town and GW2 says "I used to live there. That's where I was raped. There were a whole bunch of us that used to play soccer in the park across the street"... ...uh...okay... Yes. So sorry that that happened to her . Thank God that she's with you now.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 10, 2013 10:28:06 GMT -5
Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't many abused people actually seek out abusive relationships--in the sense that it's all they know? I don't know they "seek them out". It's never seemed that way to me. It's seemed more like a person who's easily led (gullible) and abusive types read that gullibility very quickly. They know the buttons to push to get this person hooked. Once that happens, it's hard for the person involved to see the abuse because they don't realize it's abnormal. They don't go out looking for abusers but an abuser will recognize them when he/she sees them and play the right tunes to get them to dance.
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Nazgul Girl
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Post by Nazgul Girl on Oct 10, 2013 10:32:46 GMT -5
I had to get stop working at Social Security after several years, because even there, there are so many stories of abuse that come up. There are so many victims of abuse who also have mental health issues. It seems that if a woman, for example, has schizophrenia, that it also must follow that she needs to be physically and sexually abused, to make her life complete. Oh my God, it was almost 35 years ago, and some of those girls are still with me.
I even get horrified by reading about the abuse ( domestic and others ) perpetrated upon patients that end up in our tier one hospital. Some of them die, and I don't just mean from gunshot wounds ( which are obviously horrible on their own ).
There were two cases which I coded ( I can't write about here due to the HIPPAA laws ) which were so awful that I fell into a depression and was having nightmares. It brought back some terrible memories. I had to get counseling for 3 or 4 months. Luckily, I am okay, now.
I prefer my little work-from-home world, and we are trying to get financing to buy a third rental so that I can retire a little down the road.
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Virgil Showlion
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Post by Virgil Showlion on Oct 10, 2013 10:45:30 GMT -5
LOL, most abusive people know not to hit their partners in public or in front of people. True. But let the probability of abuse in a random family be x. If abuse isn't occurring, the probability of observing it is zero. If abuse is occurring, the probability of observing it somehow is a percentage p·100%. Simple Bayesian logic then indicates that the probability of violence occurring given no violence is observed is And unless p = 0, which would imply that violence is completely undetectable in 100% of domestic violence cases, the resulting probability is always going to be strictly less than x. In short, not observing domestic violence is a good thing.
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Virgil Showlion
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Post by Virgil Showlion on Oct 10, 2013 10:47:21 GMT -5
Correct me if I'm wrong, but don't many abused people actually seek out abusive relationships--in the sense that it's all they know? I don't know they "seek them out". It's never seemed that way to me. It's seemed more like a person who's easily led (gullible) and abusive types read that gullibility very quickly. They know the buttons to push to get this person hooked. Once that happens, it's hard for the person involved to see the abuse because they don't realize it's abnormal. They don't go out looking for abusers but an abuser will recognize them when he/she seems them and play the right tunes to get them to dance. Yes. I can believe that a large part of it would be a passive acceptance of abuse rather than actively seeking it out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2013 10:48:12 GMT -5
Oh, Math! What can't you solve?!?!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2013 10:58:02 GMT -5
LOL, most abusive people know not to hit their partners in public or in front of people. True. But let the probability of abuse in a random family be x. If abuse isn't occurring, the probability of observing it is zero. If abuse is occurring, the probability of observing it somehow is a percentage p·100%. Simple Bayesian logic then indicates that the probability of violence occurring given no violence is observed is And unless p = 0, which would imply that violence is completely undetectable in 100% of domestic violence cases, the resulting probability is always going to be strictly less than x. In short, not observing domestic violence is a good thing. Sorry but I can't leave you with your rose coloured glasses. You are part of a higher income crowd. You have 2 things working against you: people that are better skilled at hiding their dirty laundry and your lack of experience recognizing the signs of domestic abuse. So not observing it is not good in the sense of being secure it isn't happening. It also isn't good in the sense that if it is happening you are not in a position to help the victim.
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The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Oct 10, 2013 11:21:55 GMT -5
Oh, Math! What can't you solve?!?! Anything having to do with emotions.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 10, 2013 12:13:47 GMT -5
I definitely hear you! This is one of my "hot buttons". I worked in ER many years ago, and I really enjoyed it. It was fast-paced and one saw and treated a wide variety of conditions. Then, I saw my first abused child. I just couldn't get past it. The fury I felt when I saw that child just wouldn't let me go. I stayed until the next child came in with a broken arm and bruises all over, with a big knot on the back of her head. According to "mom", poor "daddy" just lost his patience. Umm, the little girl was about 4, if I remember correctly. That's when I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to slap "mom" silly and hunt down "daddy". I moved to ICU and never looked back. I'd just started my nurse practitioner studies and knew I wouldn't want to be a family practitioner. I chose to treat adults because I knew I couldn't deal with what I'd seen in the ER constructively. Sooner, or later, I was going to be arrested for murder.Nah, enough people would agree with you and help you hide the body.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 10, 2013 12:15:07 GMT -5
People who need to hear this message are probably not reading YM
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Oct 10, 2013 12:26:47 GMT -5
I definitely hear you! This is one of my "hot buttons". I worked in ER many years ago, and I really enjoyed it. It was fast-paced and one saw and treated a wide variety of conditions. Then, I saw my first abused child. I just couldn't get past it. The fury I felt when I saw that child just wouldn't let me go. I stayed until the next child came in with a broken arm and bruises all over, with a big knot on the back of her head. According to "mom", poor "daddy" just lost his patience. Umm, the little girl was about 4, if I remember correctly. That's when I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to slap "mom" silly and hunt down "daddy". I moved to ICU and never looked back. I'd just started my nurse practitioner studies and knew I wouldn't want to be a family practitioner. I chose to treat adults because I knew I couldn't deal with what I'd seen in the ER constructively. Sooner, or later, I was going to be arrested for murder.Nah, enough people would agree with you and help you hide the body. How many freezers does EE have again? I say we just take over Antarctica.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 10, 2013 12:37:29 GMT -5
People who need to hear this message are probably not reading YM I think a few posters might disagree with you.........
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 10, 2013 12:40:51 GMT -5
Oh, Math! What can't you solve?!?! I know that threads here regular take sharp turns off course (which I tend to enjoy and learn from) but algebra in a domestic violence thread??!! Now that's pretty extreme...
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Oct 10, 2013 12:44:23 GMT -5
People who need to hear this message are probably not reading YM I think a few posters might disagree with you......... Yeah, unfortunately having money does not make one immune from either giving or receiving abuse. That's a common stereotype, however. And, as someone mentioned earlier, it also makes it easier for the abuser to hide/cover his abuse and further isolate his victim(s). Additionally, it's harder to believe that the "perfect" family down the street in the big house with the fancy new cars could ever hurt their children and/or spouse. Sadly, it happens...
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Oct 10, 2013 12:54:06 GMT -5
My niece gets foster children and I think they are all troubled somehow. I don't know the back story but I worry about an 8yo girl. She and her half brother went to foster care about 3 years ago so she was old enough to remember before. She is overly affectionate and acts out in school. Her half brother and another foster child are 4 now and act like boys with her as ring leader. She and HB were adopted last year and the other 4 year old last month. They got the last one at birth but even he has issues since he hasn't been a real child only a foster so never knowing he was in his forever home. He was thrilled to be adopted saying he was going to be a new boy. He needed that closure to get out of limbo never knowing if he would be pulled out of foster care and given back to the birth family. He is a tribal member so they had to get the tribe to approve his adoption and they deigned one of his siblings. His mother is in prison so all her kids are being placed somewhere.
Now they have a 3 month old they got at birth. If the birth mother gets custody it might put him on the bouncing in and out of foster care track. They just lost a foster child they had since birth, sent to the birth family. They need to sever parental rights easier give the birth parents 3 months to get clean and sober then three months to prove they are and if not done in 7 months sever rights.
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Oct 10, 2013 13:02:24 GMT -5
I definitely hear you! This is one of my "hot buttons". I worked in ER many years ago, and I really enjoyed it. It was fast-paced and one saw and treated a wide variety of conditions. Then, I saw my first abused child. I just couldn't get past it. The fury I felt when I saw that child just wouldn't let me go. I stayed until the next child came in with a broken arm and bruises all over, with a big knot on the back of her head. According to "mom", poor "daddy" just lost his patience. Umm, the little girl was about 4, if I remember correctly. That's when I knew I couldn't do it anymore. I wanted to slap "mom" silly and hunt down "daddy". I moved to ICU and never looked back. I'd just started my nurse practitioner studies and knew I wouldn't want to be a family practitioner. I chose to treat adults because I knew I couldn't deal with what I'd seen in the ER constructively. Sooner, or later, I was going to be arrested for murder.Nah, enough people would agree with you and help you hide the body. LOL! Believe me, I had offers of assistance should the situation present itself!
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Oct 10, 2013 13:06:24 GMT -5
People who need to hear this message are probably not reading YM I think a few posters might disagree with you......... You think we have people who are abusers amongst YM crowd?
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ginpin
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Post by ginpin on Oct 10, 2013 13:16:45 GMT -5
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 10, 2013 13:16:51 GMT -5
I think a few posters might disagree with you......... You think we have people who are abusers amongst YM crowd? there are a few posters who realized some issues with their relationships after reading some posts about abusive relationships here. ETA: I also suspect a few posters are abusive to their spouses/partners, but I doubt anything posted here will change their behavior because they are always right.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 10, 2013 13:17:54 GMT -5
around here, it's small enough that when someone who had their kids taken away for neglect/abuse is pregnant, DSS will find out and apply for an order to take the baby away at birth.
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Pants
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Post by Pants on Oct 10, 2013 13:37:08 GMT -5
You think we have people who are abusers amongst YM crowd? there are a few posters who realized some issues with their relationships after reading some posts about abusive relationships here. ETA: I also suspect a few posters are abusive to their spouses/partners, but I doubt anything posted here will change their behavior because they are always right. My corporation has done some non-profit work in the domestic violence space. We had a poster on our wall for a long time that stuck with me "This is a big company. You have abuse victims working here. And you have abusers working here too." It makes me look around a little differently, honestly.
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