Domestic Violence and the effect on children

[swamp]

In the course of my work today, I got to hear and watch a 6 year old girl recreate domestic violence episodes.  It was horrifying.

Please think of that before fighting in front of your kids.

[greeniis10]

Oh, I'm so sorry you have to deal with that, and even more so that there are so many kids in that type of terrible situation! 

Rukh, you too.  Wow, what a rough experience.

I'm cheap (or, maybe it's my YM personality) so I don't have HDTV in the master bedroom where I do most of my TV watching, so I have no TV guide thingy.  All that to make a disclaimer: I mainly just channel surf and stop on the trainwreck programs until they go to commercial and then I'm off to the next one.  So, unfortunately, I've caught a few portions of Teen Mom on MTV and the amount of yelling and screaming those kids do while carrying around their babies just makes me ill!  The parents of the teens join in, chaos seems to be the norm, and no one thinks those babies are able to grasp the situation.  Yep, they sure can.  Sad.

[Deleted]

But sometimes women just won't listen.

[NancysSummerSip]

But sometimes women just won't listen.

<<Gets out big backhoe and digs big hole for Archie>>

I spent a lot of time in the justice system, and saw a lot of what Swamp sees. I also saw the aftermath - single parents and grandparents bringing the kids to jail to visit the incarcerated parent who beat up on mom or dad. I never did understand that. It was like the criminal version of " -note-over the river and through the woods to grandmother's (jail)house we go... "

Bad enough the kid may have seen or heard the fighting. Now we take the little tyke to visit the perpetrator.

[greeniis10]

Yeah, that too, Nancy.  Youngest DS is a correctional officer.  One evening during visiting hours he saw his next door neighbors at his facility.  Got into a conversation with the little boy (who loves DS and comes over any time he sees him outside; DS plays catch with him) and found out the little boy's bio dad killed his step-dad.    Now, they go to jail to see bio dad and step-dad is dead.  So very sad. 

[imawino]

Oct 9, 2013 13:37:07 GMT -5 swamp said:

In the course of my work today, I got to hear and watch a 6 year old girl recreate domestic violence episodes.  It was horrifying.

Please think of that before fighting in front of your kids.

Just to be clear, we can still have normal fights, right?  As long as I save the physical violence for private? 



(what?  It's foreplay.  Don't judge.  We have a safe word)

[imawino]

Oct 9, 2013 15:12:45 GMT -5 Ratchets said:

Oct 9, 2013 15:10:43 GMT -5 imawino said:

Just to be clear, we can still have normal fights, right?  As long as I save the physical violence for private? 



(what?  It's foreplay.  Don't judge.  We have a safe word)

Never use "harder" as your safeword...

Thanks Buddy!  I added it to the list with "hell yeah", "is that all you got?" and "butternut squash".  Dont ask. 

[NancysSummerSip]

Oct 9, 2013 15:16:06 GMT -5 imawino said:

Oct 9, 2013 15:12:45 GMT -5 Ratchets said:

Never use "harder" as your safeword...

Thanks Buddy!  I added it to the list with "hell yeah", "is that all you got?" and "butternut squash".  Dont ask. 

I won't ask. But seriously, *snort*

[constanz22]

Oct 9, 2013 13:37:07 GMT -5 swamp said:

In the course of my work today, I got to hear and watch a 6 year old girl recreate domestic violence episodes.  It was horrifying.

Please think of that before fighting in front of your kids.

Welcome to my world...I know you hear it all too Swamp.  It sucks...I say all the time that most "normal" people would run screaming after working one day doing what I do.

[justme]

Oct 9, 2013 14:41:17 GMT -5 greeniis10 said:

Yeah, that too, Nancy.  Youngest DS is a correctional officer.  One evening during visiting hours he saw his next door neighbors at his facility.  Got into a conversation with the little boy (who loves DS and comes over any time he sees him outside; DS plays catch with him) and found out the little boy's bio dad killed his step-dad.    Now, they go to jail to see bio dad and step-dad is dead.  So very sad. 

 To mom bringing the kid to visit dad. Pretty sure I'd tell bio dad he killed two birds with one shot and now his kid has no dad.

[Abby Normal]

I used to volunteer with a youth facility.  The stories that the kids would tell about their lives was absolutely horrifying.  One kid was there because his father was sexually abusing his young (3 or 4 yo) sister and blamed him.  Son caught him doing it again and stabbed Dad. 

There are things in life kids should just not have to deal with.

[happyscooter]

DIL is a social worker, she hasn't seen any 'hardcore' cases yet.  (To my knowledge anyway, since she doesn't discuss work situations with us.)  But she did have one instance where the family really made an impact on her and it really shook her up.  She and DS just had their first baby and her best friend has told her that she won't be able to go back to her job.  Meaning now that she is a parent, she will be looking at these people in a different light. 

Do people think it's normal to beat up on each other, have kids around a meth lab, get stoned in front of their kids?

[zibazinski]

Yes, and since we continuously return kids to this environment, it continues.

[happyscooter]

Oh yes, Zib, I forgot that it is better that a child stay with their bio family instead of a foster family.  A bio family that is SSSOOO dysfunctional instead of a foster family that makes sure a child has something to eat each day, clean clothes for school and a bed to sleep in each night. 

Yeah, that's the way to make a kid feel loved.  Let them go to school with dirty clothes, unclean hair, no coat in freezing weather, sleep on the floor or a bed with no sheets.

[The Captain]

Oct 10, 2013 7:47:35 GMT -5 happyscooter said:

Oh yes, Zib, I forgot that it is better that a child stay with their bio family instead of a foster family.  A bio family that is SSSOOO dysfunctional instead of a foster family that makes sure a child has something to eat each day, clean clothes for school and a bed to sleep in each night. 

Yeah, that's the way to make a kid feel loved.  Let them go to school with dirty clothes, unclean hair, no coat in freezing weather, sleep on the floor or a bed with no sheets.

You do realize she was being sarcastic, right?  If I recall correctly, Zib used to be a court advocate for abused/neglected kids.

I may be getting her mixed up with someone else, but her views on keeping kids with dysfunctional parents are pretty consistent. 

[happyscooter]

thecaptain, yes I know she was being sarcastic.  so was I.  it just seems that it is the way of the system that we return the kids to a family that cannot provide for them (THAT'S putting it mildly) instead of someone who can.  you know, because they are their mother. 

[Taxman10]

I like my beer like I like my violence....domestic.

[Deleted]

D'oh!  
BAD TAXI! 

[The Captain]

Got it.  Missed that part.  Thanks for clarifying.

Sad thing is (and I don't have a link and can't remember the source) I read about a study that said it was actually better from a long term development/psychological point to return these kids to their bio parents rather than foster care.  Unless the situation was actually a physical threat to the child, the psychological damage caused by removal was more than the damage caused by the unfit parent.

I agree it totally sucks, but I can see why the system is set up the way it is.

ETA - found a link:

nccpr.info/the-evidence-is-in-foster-care-vs-keeping-families-together-the-definitive-studies/

[Deleted]

The other day we were driving past one of the houseing projects in town and GW2 says "I used to live there. That's where I was raped. There were a whole bunch of us that used to play soccer in the park across the street"... ...uh...okay...

[Deleted]

[zibazinski]

Like she was talking about the weather. It's so a part of their lives that its just "normal." No, that's why I worked with older kids who were already and would remain in foster care. I couldn't deal with returning children to the hell holes they came from. It isn't about the children, it's about MONEY, pure and simple. That's why the court tries to find a relative, even though the relative is usually as f ed up as the "family" the poor child came from. It's cheaper for the system to pay a relative than foster care.

[Virgil Showlion]

Oct 9, 2013 13:37:07 GMT -5 swamp said:

In the course of my work today, I got to hear and watch a 6 year old girl recreate domestic violence episodes.  It was horrifying.

Please think of that before fighting in front of your kids.

I shudder to ask, but I know you're a criminal defense attorney. Is your office... um...?

[swamp]

Oct 10, 2013 9:43:19 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

Like she was talking about the weather. It's so a part of their lives that its just "normal." No, that's why I worked with older kids who were already and would remain in foster care. I couldn't deal with returning children to the hell holes they came from. It isn't about the children, it's about MONEY, pure and simple. That's why the court tries to find a relative, even though the relative is usually as f ed up as the "family" the poor child came from. It's cheaper for the system to pay a relative than foster care.

I don't know if it's cheaper.  NY has relative placement that is treated as foster care, and the relative gets certified as a foster placement and gets the benefits. 

The relative placement is done so the kid isn't completely traumatized by being put with someone they don't know.  However, I agree that the relatives are often as fucked up as the parents and it's out of the frying pan and into the fire.

[Wisconsin Beth]

While I'm not doubting Zib on the money angle for this topic, here there's a huge shortage of foster parents. 

[swamp]

Oct 10, 2013 9:46:05 GMT -5 Virgil Showlion said:

Oct 9, 2013 13:37:07 GMT -5 swamp said:

In the course of my work today, I got to hear and watch a 6 year old girl recreate domestic violence episodes.  It was horrifying.

Please think of that before fighting in front of your kids.

I shudder to ask, but I know you're a criminal defense attorney. Is your office... um...?

I do other stuff.  In this case, I was appointed as Attorney for the Children in a custody case.  

[zibazinski]

What foster parents have to go through is more than what the bio parents go through to get their children back. It should be the same. I will become a foster parent as soon as I can.

[zibazinski]

But only to an older kid, one not going to be returned anymore. I'm going to be a "forever family." Not a boomerang.

[swamp]

Oct 10, 2013 9:49:30 GMT -5 zibazinski said:

What foster parents have to go through is more than what the bio parents go through to get their children back. It should be the same. I will become a foster parent as soon as I can.

Last time I checked, foster parents don't have to pee on a stick in front of a probation officer.  

To be a foster parent, you have to go to the classes, have a home study done, interview with a caseworker, and have a background check.

To get your kids back, you have social service all up in your business all the freakin' time. 

[zibazinski]

Not in Florida. They can't wait to get rid of those poor kids by dumping them back into hell. Case closed.