Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 8, 2013 16:31:06 GMT -5
Its a bit of a sensitive subject and I have no wish to offend.... but its this.
I asked a friend of mine, who is childless, if she had thought about adoption to complete her family. She told me that they had looked in to it.... but the council are favouring open adoptions where the child maintains contact with family members. She said she would feel like she was merely babysitting a child for someone else and she would never be the child's parent. She wouldn't just have the child to bring in to her family.... she would have to deal with relatives that she may not get on with.
There is a huge shortage of adoptive parents in this country.....and a large amount of children in care with no hope of a family
We hear a lot from the children themselves, and from birth parents. There are programs on TV, with tearful reunions where a child rushes into its birth parents arms.. and it looks lovely.
.....but what about the adoptive parents? Its a big ask to put all the time, effort and money in to raising a child 24/7 for years and years. People just aren't doing it and you have to ask what part of the equation for them is wrong.
What do you think?
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 8, 2013 16:31:48 GMT -5
No, unless it's a kitten.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Aug 8, 2013 16:35:16 GMT -5
No.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 8, 2013 16:36:22 GMT -5
I don't know. I've never taken to other people's children but I adore my own kids. I had difficulty conceiving so I did think about adoption. My biggest fear was not knowing if I could truly bond with a child that I didn't carry and that didn't share a generic bond to me. I honestly don't know the answer to that.
And no one read into those words. I'm talking about my fears.....I know that children that are adopted are just as much your children as those children raised by biological parents.
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jkapp
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Post by jkapp on Aug 8, 2013 16:41:25 GMT -5
A former co-worker had a child she put up for adoption, and it was an open adoption. I don't think its that big of an issue. The child knows who her birth mother is, but also knows who her "parents" really are. The child didn't spend that much time with the birth mother, and it ended up being more of a friendship than a mother/daughter relationship.
I think as long as the birth mother keeps the relationship as such, there wouldn't be any issues. And I would hope the open adoption process is structured in such a way too so as not to let the birth mother monopolize time with the child.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Aug 8, 2013 16:41:48 GMT -5
I'd adopt another dog when the awful time comes and mine dies. I have no need for a tiny human in order to "complete" my family.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Aug 8, 2013 16:42:13 GMT -5
My cousin adopted 3 children (actually they were fostered first). The fostering situation was difficult for her because the kids came from messed up homes and the "system" still allowed the birth parents to be involved in some form until they were finally determined unfit and my cousin was able to legally adopt. I honestly don't know the process she had to go through for all of this but it seemed like it went on forever and involved so much red tape. I think adoption is a wonderful thing but I understand how difficult it can be for some people to adopt older kids who have come from such a toxic environment. It takes a very special person and I give karma to those people who adopt children who need a stable home.
As for myself - I will stick with furry additions to my family
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Aug 8, 2013 16:42:59 GMT -5
You only say that because you haven't had a baby and realized how empty your life really is.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2013 16:43:59 GMT -5
Spellbound,
Where are you located? From what I understand, there's a shortage of healthy "white" babies in the U.S. My one friend who adopted children adopted 4 "special needs" kids pretty much directly out of family court. Mother of two was a drug addict, another was pulled out of the home after being sexually abused at age 6 month. Yes, some of them have had issues.
A former co-worker adopted from a couple who were mentally incapable of raising (but apparently not from conceiving!) children. Each of the parents had been in accidents which affected their mental capabilities.
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cronewitch
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Post by cronewitch on Aug 8, 2013 16:44:04 GMT -5
I would have a problem with open adoption except in very limited cases. My brother adopted his bio child because where he was born he couldn't get him without adopting if he didn't marry the mother. His grandmother handed him over on the condition she get one photo a year. I wouldn't have a problem with that even a note with a picture so she would know how he was doing. His birth mother was abusive so his grandmother took him away and forced her to sign adoption papers. I wouldn't want his birth mother to be able to claim any relationship to him even if she change.
My boyfriend's mom took her grandson and raised him but he got to see his mom summers after age 13.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Aug 8, 2013 16:44:24 GMT -5
A former co-worker had a child she put up for adoption, and it was an open adoption. I don't think its that big of an issue. The child knows who her birth mother is, but also knows who her "parents" really are. The child didn't spend that much time with the birth mother, and it ended up being more of a friendship than a mother/daughter relationship. I think as long as the birth mother keeps the relationship as such, there wouldn't be any issues. And I would hope the open adoption process is structured in such a way too so as not to let the birth mother monopolize time with the child. Had I known I could get somebody else to pay for and take care of my child while I still get to visit and do the fun stuff I may have had one!
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Aug 8, 2013 16:45:11 GMT -5
I don't know. I have 3 kids of my own so not sure. And, i am also not sure i feel about open adoptions either. In some ways, i think that it makes sense. But, in other ways, i think that it doesn't. I don't know that i would want the intrusion of some other family in my life if i was adopting a child and feel that i had to walk on egg shells around or something. I can see why people adopt overseas. But, i feel for adopted kids who do want to search out their biological roots.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Aug 8, 2013 16:46:07 GMT -5
You only say that because you haven't had a baby and realized how empty your life really is. so says every parent out there. my theory... misery loves company! I'll just go home and roll around in all the money I'm not spending on diapers and daycare... and then go out to dinner without needing a sitter. my empty life rocks!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 8, 2013 16:49:13 GMT -5
I would adopt but unfortunately, the system allows bio parents to screw up their kids so badly that by the time rights are terminated, only the stong could handle them.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2013 16:50:31 GMT -5
If for some reason we couldn't have kids when we decide to try I can see us adopting. A lot of my wife's side of the family has been adopted. I can't imagine doing a totally open adoption where the family wants to be involved though, or something where I adopt kids from people I know.
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jkapp
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Post by jkapp on Aug 8, 2013 16:50:57 GMT -5
You only say that because you haven't had a baby and realized how empty your life really is. so says every parent out there. my theory... misery loves company! I'll just go home and roll around in all the money I'm not spending on diapers and daycare... and then go out to dinner without needing a sitter. my empty life rocks! LOL! Yes, I always tell people with children "my life may be empty, but it's also incredibly QUIET!"
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2013 16:53:03 GMT -5
A lot of those concerns, not being able to bond, having behaviours, being messed up, are there for biological parents as well. They just don't take the risk as seriously. I know a lot of biological families that aren't close or dislike each other. Shoot just read threads about family on here. Anyway, not trying to convince anyone. Just explaining my thinking on the subject. I foster. So far I have had 3 girls. 2 are fantastic and are with me, 1 had to be placed elsewhere. I am not the girls' mother. I am their foster mother. I've come to learn that is a unique relationship on it's own and a title I am very proud of. I won't adopt for a few reasons. The girls don't want to be adopted is the biggest. Also, if I adopt they lose financial support from the state and that is big. They can get through university debt free as crown wards. They would have to get student loans as my kids.
I am thrilled with my decision to foster and the relationships it gives me with the girls.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 8, 2013 16:55:37 GMT -5
My friends fears are that she wouldn't bond because the child wouldn't be hers. The birth family would still be on the scene...then there is social workers and assessments etc....preventing the kind of bonding she would need to bring up the child successfully.
I could probably pick up a wide eyed orphan...bring it home, love it, raise it...and give it everything it needs....but that isn't the real world.
The birth family are likely to be heartbroken......and that could cause issues.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2013 16:55:54 GMT -5
I would adopt, but I'd probably need my wife to lead the charge on that one. Not sure my desire would be strong enough to actually move forward. But, I think I would prefer to have the child pretty darn close to birth and probably not over the age of 5. I'd be worried that the child would be old enough to just flat out reject the new surroundings ("What is your return policy?"
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 8, 2013 16:58:05 GMT -5
We had always hoped to, but it seems less likely now. I'd like a big family. But they are pretty freaking expensive and I'm out of arms, and frequently patience, so...
I'm ok with open adoption. It's best for the child, and the bio parent doesn't get to take over the kids life. I had a friend who adopted out her 2 kids. She went to their birthday parties and gave Christmas presents, including the adopted families bio child. She loved the kids but knew she couldn't have been a mom.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Aug 8, 2013 16:59:03 GMT -5
I would adopt. I wouldn't stop the child from researching their biological parents once they were legal age, but if the child had in writing that they were "supposed" to see their bio parents every so often, I guess I would feel that was an intrusion.
A coworker knew of a family who was in an awkward situation. They hoped to adopt a pair of siblings, but the bio mother refused to release the children to any family who would baptise them. Apparently she hated Christians. The parents who hoped to adopt the kids were Christian, & would've baptized, so I never heard if they got those children, or if they went to a different family. Situations like this where the adopting family was being forced to live by the beliefs of the bio parents would probably make me look at foreign adoption too.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 8, 2013 17:00:49 GMT -5
I'm in the uk and there are a shortage of babies in general. Though there is an abundance of older kids, disabled or children with siblings.
SS favour leaving children with their families...sometimes for years before they go up for adoption. Then they are in care, sometimes for years, whilst all the paper work gets done.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 8, 2013 17:07:11 GMT -5
I can see why parents get their kids from abroad too.
I wonder how the adoptive parent feels when they have put all the effort in... and the real mother is rediscovered....Like on the TV programs.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 8, 2013 17:08:33 GMT -5
A lot of those concerns, not being able to bond, having behaviours, being messed up, are there for biological parents as well. They just don't take the risk as seriously. I know a lot of biological families that aren't close or dislike each other. Shoot just read threads about family on here. Anyway, not trying to convince anyone. Just explaining my thinking on the subject. I foster. So far I have had 3 girls. 2 are fantastic and are with me, 1 had to be placed elsewhere. I am not the girls' mother. I am their foster mother. I've come to learn that is a unique relationship on it's own and a title I am very proud of. I won't adopt for a few reasons. The girls don't want to be adopted is the biggest. Also, if I adopt they lose financial support from the state and that is big. They can get through university debt free as crown wards. They would have to get student loans as my kids. I am thrilled with my decision to foster and the relationships it gives me with the girls. Not bonding with a biological child was never a fear of mine. From the minute I got two lines on the pregnancy test, that was my baby. My fears of not bonding with an adopted child may very well be unfounded....I will never know since I was able to conceive and after having two of my own I realized I do NOT want a large family :-p
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2013 17:11:21 GMT -5
If we do end up having to go the "adoption" route we would probably not do open adoption.
My choice would actually be to go to Haiti and adopt 1-2 kids from there.
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ontrack
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Post by ontrack on Aug 8, 2013 17:15:48 GMT -5
I can see why parents get their kids from abroad too. I wonder how the adoptive parent feels when they have put all the effort in... and the real mother is rediscovered....Like on the TV programs. I have a problem with your use of "real" there. My brother is adopted, and he has had absolutely no interest in trying to find his biological parents. My parents are his "real" parents.
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reader79
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Post by reader79 on Aug 8, 2013 17:15:52 GMT -5
My boss is dealing with a difficult birth mother. His adopted daughter, has both an older and a younger sibling, and she has contact via the open adoption. But the mom is way too possessive of her for someone who has given her up. And the older girl asks constantly in front of other people, and the 2-year-old, when are they going to bring her home. And if you couldn't afford to keep her, why did you keep the baby that came a year later? The therapy bills are going to be huge when she grows up.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 8, 2013 17:20:19 GMT -5
A family wanted to adopt me when I was 8 but bio mother wouldn't allow. All I can say is the adoptive family dodged a bullet
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Aug 8, 2013 17:23:07 GMT -5
From what I've seen from childless couples in this country, Social services seems to be hellbent on making it as difficult as possible to adopt and making sure the kids are as damaged as possible before letting them be adopted. I know two couples who fostered older kids and wanted to adopt, but DSS tore the kids away, and threw them back into bad situations.
Even if you're adopting a baby, the birth moms have anywhere from 2-12 months to change their minds.
One girl I know had a kid at 14 by a 19 year old (as in she was probably 13 when he impregnated her). She was going to put the baby up for adoption, but instead of throwing the guy in jail where he belonged, the state allowed him to block the adoption. So at 7 months, she had to switch gears from from preparing for the adoption to preparing to be a mom, because if she didn't keep the kid, a statutory rapist would get the kid. Thankfully, she came from a good family and went on to graduate high school and college, but it still would have made a lot more sense for the kid to go to a couple that actually have their acts together.
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Poptart
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Post by Poptart on Aug 8, 2013 17:29:43 GMT -5
If I had the resources I would, although at 29 babies are the last thing on my mind.
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