The Captain
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Post by The Captain on Aug 8, 2013 17:31:36 GMT -5
Its a bit of a sensitive subject and I have no wish to offend.... but its this. I asked a friend of mine, who is childless, if she had thought about adoption to complete her family. She told me that they had looked in to it.... but the council are favouring open adoptions where the child maintains contact with family members. She said she would feel like she was merely babysitting a child for someone else and she would never be the child's parent. She wouldn't just have the child to bring in to her family.... she would have to deal with relatives that she may not get on with. There is a huge shortage of adoptive parents in this country.....and a large amount of children in care with no hope of a family We hear a lot from the children themselves, and from birth parents. There are programs on TV, with tearful reunions where a child rushes into its birth parents arms.. and it looks lovely. .....but what about the adoptive parents? Its a big ask to put all the time, effort and money in to raising a child 24/7 for years and years. People just aren't doing it and you have to ask what part of the equation for them is wrong. What do you think? My husband is adopted. My BFF in college was adopted and both DH and I looked into adoption. No way in hell would we go for an open adoption after hearing all the horror stories about how messed up the birth parents were and how much drama they continue to bring into the poor kid's lives - sorry not strong enough. Both DH and my BFF only had an interest in finding bio parents for medical reasons, and nothing else. Neither has had any success so far and neither has chosen to tell their real parents (you know, the ones who actually raised them) about it. My brother (my mom's from her first marriage) sought out his bio dad when he was in his mid 30's. The bio dad had chosen not to be involved in my brother's life, or even pay child support, from the time my mom remarried (when my brother was 5 - so yea 30 year gap). It's very easy to have a hunky dory relationship once all the bullshit of the teen years is past and your child comes to you as an adult. It caused my mom no end of heartache because all we heard about how wonderful bro felt to finally have a relationship with his "dad", whatever.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 8, 2013 17:34:21 GMT -5
Sure, I know I'm treading on eggshells here....I used that term because that is the way its presented to us on a TV program we have called "Long Lost Family"
I wondered how the adoptive parents must feel tbh
...and is it part of the legend, either rightly or wrongly....as to why people aren't adopting kids?
My husband was adopted and always wanted to find his birth mother.....His sister does not. His adoptive parents have given them absolutely everything and are the nicest people you could ever meet.
They have recently changed the rules here so that birth parents can make contact when the child reaches the age of majority....whether the child wants it or not. Previously it had been that the child had to make contact. Its a bit of an emotional mine field.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 8, 2013 17:36:06 GMT -5
I didn't the whole thread yet and it's exactly the same, but that's one of the reasons I never dated people with children. It's not the children that I minded, it's dealing with baby-mama drama.
I don't think I could ever do an open adoption, bc yep, just like your friend, I would feel like I am simply babysitting
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JustLurkin
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Post by JustLurkin on Aug 8, 2013 17:36:12 GMT -5
I will probably foster one day. I would opt for children without parental involvement.
I would not even consider open adoption, and think the recent unsealing of records is wrong.
If anything were to happen to my SIL I'd take her kids without a blink (my brother would not be able to).
I'm single, so decisions are all my own.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 8, 2013 17:53:23 GMT -5
My best wishes... what a lovely thing to have done. We seem to have a consensus that open adoption could be a problem. but that is what is being offered over here...at least...(as being in the child's best interest) but if adoptive parents aren't coming forward and the child stays in care.......that is definitely not in the child's best interest. Someone is missing the bigger picture here......and it wasn't until talking to my friend that I personally understood that there was a bigger picture. She would make a brilliant parent....and now won't be one.
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Sum Dum Gai
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Post by Sum Dum Gai on Aug 8, 2013 18:31:40 GMT -5
Why go out, I have little waiters, busboys, and dishwashers at home. They still can't make a decent steak, but I'm working on that. The older one is a little heavy handed with the tequila when she makes margaritas, but I prefer them that way. I have to char my own meat, but I don't have to tip or drive anywhere so it's still pretty sweet!
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Aug 8, 2013 19:20:36 GMT -5
DH and I just talked about this tonight. I have ALWAYS wanted to adopt. DH is not on board with it at the moment. He wants to have all our bio-children first and then adopt later. For some reason, mixing them in would be unacceptable to him (??). And he's not open to inter-racial adoption at the moment but has said he would consider it later. And finances are a huge issue for us right now too. We couldn't afford the $15-20,000 that it costs.
To me, it's heart breaking that there are children without parents. Just like some feel about stray pets and end up with 50 of them or something, I could see myself ending up with 20 kids of DH would allow it. I would prefer closed adoption, but I also can see things from the bio-parent point of view and how they would want to keep in touch or at least know their child was being taken care of. My friends that adopted have kept in touch with the bio-parents through letters and pictures. It's not like they get weekly visitation or anything. The relationship can be what you define it to be.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Aug 8, 2013 19:26:38 GMT -5
To me, an open adoption would be very much like dealing with a step/blended-family type situation. Just like different people give their kids up for adoption for different reasons - there are different people out there in blended families with different dynamics. Some have a lot of drama, some have next to none....it's a crapshoot on what you're going to get.
As the step-mom, I love all of my step-kids the same as I love my own bio-son (this is my own emotions - not knocking anyone who doesn't feel the same way). I do for them the same as I do for my own - I'm a mother, plain and simple.
However, because of the dynamics of having their bio-mom in the picture - there are days that I'm treated like a servant - or worse. She fostered that behavior in them during the years that she had custody of them. She wouldn't allow them to call me any version of "mom", told them not to trust me because "she might be a child molester - or her son might be one", told them I was being abusive because I asked them to do chores, eat their vegetables, and behave appropriately in different situations (like sitting at the table for dinner instead of always jumping up and down). During the time she had custody, DH would not put up with the attitude from them when we had them, but there is only so much you can do over a weekend a couple of times per month.
The kids now live with us full-time for the last 6 years and it's been 6 years of re-programming (for lack of a better word). We still have days where any progress we may have made was totally wiped out because of a small incident that is blown out of the water (we've had the cops called on us by the kids because their mom told them to call on us for being abusive - the last time, the cops actually thanked us for being parents and disciplining our children appropriately).
So....knowing and dealing with what I deal with now in my current family - would I adopt if it was an open adoption? I honestly can't answer that - it's hard work, but I see the progress being made with my own kids and it gives me hope for their future. I would hope, if I chose to adopt, I would feel the same way about the adopted child/situation.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Aug 8, 2013 19:28:07 GMT -5
If we do end up having to go the "adoption" route we would probably not do open adoption. My choice would actually be to go to Haiti and adopt 1-2 kids from there. I've got a cousin who has documented mental illness in her family (legit, on the other side...) who has chosen to adopt with her husband. they chose to go to Ethiopia, which is apparently the most common foreign adoption source for that province of Maritime Canada. knowing that there's so many kids in both Canada and the US (where that cousin has extensive ties...) I can't wrap my brain around going to a completely different continent to find your family. that said, her kids are adorable! my sis, BIL, and parents will meet the boys this coming weekend when they go up. I'll get there eventually. anyway, sorry for my total hijack, but - knowing your family comes from Haiti, I think this is a great plan if that's the route that you and Mrs C end up taking. you already know the culture that most adoptive parents want to teach their kids.
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NoNamePerson
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Post by NoNamePerson on Aug 8, 2013 19:29:20 GMT -5
I'm not adopted but I tracked down my father's family when I was 48 yrs old. Surprise, they had to rewrite the family history!!!! Flew to Ohio to meet them over Thanksgiving same year. But I don't keep in touch with them at all now. They are just my father's family not really mine except by blood.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2013 19:31:13 GMT -5
One of the reasons they allow foster children to maintain contact even after they become crown wards is to help the child understand as they grow up. Often the kids have a fantasy picture of how wonderful their parents were before the big bad CAS ripped them from their loving home. The hope is that the kids will see the truth as they grow up and not have those fantasies. For my two girls that has proven to be true. They love their parents because they are their parents, but they don't want to live with them and they come to me for life lessons etc.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2013 19:43:54 GMT -5
A lot of those concerns, not being able to bond, having behaviours, being messed up, are there for biological parents as well. They just don't take the risk as seriously. I know a lot of biological families that aren't close or dislike each other. Shoot just read threads about family on here. Anyway, not trying to convince anyone. Just explaining my thinking on the subject. I foster. So far I have had 3 girls. 2 are fantastic and are with me, 1 had to be placed elsewhere. I am not the girls' mother. I am their foster mother. I've come to learn that is a unique relationship on it's own and a title I am very proud of. I won't adopt for a few reasons. The girls don't want to be adopted is the biggest. Also, if I adopt they lose financial support from the state and that is big. They can get through university debt free as crown wards. They would have to get student loans as my kids. I am thrilled with my decision to foster and the relationships it gives me with the girls. Yay, you! Good for you being willing to foster. Fostering and adopting are really different relationships. I am going to get really flamed, I know, but "some" (not many/not all) adoptions are really difficult. The kids are often different, even at young ages, than your biological kids may have been. Many have developmental problems. Many have separation problems. There are major kudos for parents who adopt. That said, the two adoptions by my SIL/BIL only worked out sort of well. They got them both as infants because she did pharmaceutical sales and called a lot on Ob/Gyns. The daughter has major jealousy issues. Her brother is intellectually disabled. They are both difficult for my kids (their first cousins) to be around because my kids are really close to their paternal grandparents. My kids did nothing to create these issues. They actually try to bond with their cousins as much as possible. There aren't that many cousins on either side. But my niece will often complain (loudly) about what she perceives as discrepancies. I would love to save the world. That said, I would only foster, not adopt. Foster children know they have parents, etc. I am not sure that children who have open adoptions really understand. Another set of parents is confusing in that scenario. Please don't flame me too much. I am from a different generation when adoptions weren't really that open.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Aug 8, 2013 19:48:53 GMT -5
They have recently changed the rules here so that birth parents can make contact when the child reaches the age of majority....whether the child wants it or not. Previously it had been that the child had to make contact. Its a bit of an emotional mine field. ugh.....that's just wrong. between adoptive families that haven't chosen to explain their family history to the kids, and those children that have chosen not to pursue finding their parents, I can't at all agree that this is good policy. yes, in decades past, the decision wasn't necessarily (in practice) the mother's to make, but the vast majority of those cases were teen/young mothers. in this day and age, any birth mother that wants her child is given a lot more leeway than in decades past. I can't imagine there are that many birth parents that are denied access to their children given up for adoption.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Aug 8, 2013 19:55:27 GMT -5
DH and I are thinking about having a kid, and if we couldn't have one, I highly doubt we would adopt. If we did, I would go international. However, DH doesn't even like to adopt dogs, so I doubt he would want to adopt a child. DH's cousin had a baby at 21 and gave him up for adoption. She has an open adoption with the parents. It's actually sickening. She posts photos all the time and says "look at what my baby can do," "i love my baby," etc. Most of that is for Facebook attention, I am sure since she is a total attention whore, but it is really disturbing, at least to me. She sees the baby about two or three times a year, is Facebook friends with the parents (at least the dad), posts all these pictures to Facebook, etc. I absolutely could not be part of an open adoption like that. I could send like one photo a year to the bio mom but that would be my limit. I know that even her parents see the baby at least twice a year and I know her grandparents have seen him once as well. I think it is going overboard. I know that the parents wanted a baby for a long time, like a decade, so I can't help feeling that they just agreed to whatever in order to get the baby. But maybe I'm just making that all up in my head. I have nothing to do with the situation and I get pissed for the parents when she says "my baby," etc.
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chiver78
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Post by chiver78 on Aug 8, 2013 20:00:41 GMT -5
I would love to save the world. Please don't flame me too much. I am from a different generation when adoptions weren't really that open. I took a few sentences out of your comment, but I haven't edited what's still here. hope that's okay! I not only don't fault you, but I commend you for wanting to be able to do something within your means and comfort level. thank you for whatever you might do with that drive. I personally am not anywhere near in a position to have my own children or outright adopt an infant/toddler/teenager. in place of those options, I volunteer my time in a couple different ways to help those kids that are either living with a life-threatening illness of some sort, or are seriously disadvantaged in the town where I work. (I'd like to expand on this one as my time allows....)
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Aug 8, 2013 20:09:02 GMT -5
One of the reasons they allow foster children to maintain contact even after they become crown wards is to help the child understand as they grow up. Often the kids have a fantasy picture of how wonderful their parents were before the big bad CAS ripped them from their loving home. The hope is that the kids will see the truth as they grow up and not have those fantasies. For my two girls that has proven to be true. They love their parents because they are their parents, but they don't want to live with them and they come to me for life lessons etc. Later - I'm asking this seriously, besides your two girls, do you know of other kids who follow the same line of thinking? I ask because we've taken the same approach with our kids (my step-kids) regarding their mom and right now it's a wash. The oldest daughter loves her mom, but we can see she'd rather live with us at this point - she was 11 when we received primary custody (17 now). She remembers the most and was affected by her mom's behavior the most. The son (15 now, 9 then) fluctuates from day to day - mostly we're the devil and his mom hung the moon. Occasionally, we see glimpses of reality from him - that she's not all that, but it's still a struggle from day to day. The youngest daughter (12, 6 back then) - the jury is still out on her. She struggles with a lot from a lot of different angles. It makes sense to me that they see the truth and figure it out for themselves, I was just wondering if the intention translates to reality.
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constanz22
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Post by constanz22 on Aug 8, 2013 20:17:53 GMT -5
Coming from someone who has worked in social work, foster care and CPS for almost 20 years, my short answer is HELL NO I can, and may at a later point, go into more details of what I've experienced and why I feel that way, but, I have a migraine for the 11th straight day and am going to bed. I know it is very difficult for people not "in the system" to understand how it works, but there are laws in place, federal laws, regarding kids being removed from parents, for how long and under what circumstances parental rights can be terminated. Right now, termination can not even START until a child had been in placement for 15 out of the last 23 months, and even then, if the parent is cooperating with services and attempting to better their situation, they will be given more time. THAT is why there are so many more older, more damaged children in the foster care system or waiting to be adopted.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2013 21:05:22 GMT -5
Karaboo I wish I could give you a definite answer. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. Sometimes the kids end up with big issues and addictions. I think at the end of the day it comes down to nature. Either a person has the sanity and reality gene or they don't.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 8, 2013 21:47:18 GMT -5
I know many families that have adopted babies domestically. Their relationship with the birth-mothers aren't intrusive at all. One family, the birth-mom didn't even come around until the daughter announced she was ready to meet her - I think she was 12. Others, the mom just went MIA. I am not sure what kind of negotiating power you have when going through the process, but I suspect that many agencies work with birth-moms to help them understand what the relationship should be.
As far as adopting, I would adopt a baby, and I'm sure I would bond. I didn't find the "giving birth" process as special as other people seem to. Bringing home an infant, and being with them and watching them grow - that is where the relationship happens.
I would not, however, adopt an older child. My heart isn't big enough to help a child that has troubles - and all older kids up for adoptions have troubles. They have been through a lot of crap, and I'm just not one of those people that is great at helping people grow through hard times. I'm not patient enough, and I'm not consistent enough, and I'm just not strong enough. And I am most certainly not the only person that feels that way, which is why so few people are willing to adopt older kids.
Talking about adopting an infant, or even a child under 1 years old is a totally different conversation than adopting a 6 year old. Totally, totally different.
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milee
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Post by milee on Aug 9, 2013 5:40:40 GMT -5
One of the reasons they allow foster children to maintain contact even after they become crown wards is to help the child understand as they grow up. Often the kids have a fantasy picture of how wonderful their parents were before the big bad CAS ripped them from their loving home. The hope is that the kids will see the truth as they grow up and not have those fantasies. For my two girls that has proven to be true. They love their parents because they are their parents, but they don't want to live with them and they come to me for life lessons etc. Later - I'm asking this seriously, besides your two girls, do you know of other kids who follow the same line of thinking? I ask because we've taken the same approach with our kids (my step-kids) regarding their mom and right now it's a wash. The oldest daughter loves her mom, but we can see she'd rather live with us at this point - she was 11 when we received primary custody (17 now). She remembers the most and was affected by her mom's behavior the most. The son (15 now, 9 then) fluctuates from day to day - mostly we're the devil and his mom hung the moon. Occasionally, we see glimpses of reality from him - that she's not all that, but it's still a struggle from day to day. The youngest daughter (12, 6 back then) - the jury is still out on her. She struggles with a lot from a lot of different angles. It makes sense to me that they see the truth and figure it out for themselves, I was just wondering if the intention translates to reality. KaraBoo, while Constanz is right that most of the foster kids I had contact with didn't really understand the truth (as kids anyway, I'm sure some did when they were older), there were some that did. I didn't have contact with nearly as many as Constanz had, but remember 2 in particular who were well aware how badly their bio parents treated them and were very grateful to be in the care of their foster parents. So it does happen. Hang in there. It's more likely that they'll realize when they're older and take good care of you when you're an old lady.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 9, 2013 5:53:07 GMT -5
This is how it should be apple congratulations on handling it so well. I can understand the need to know who you look like and what your identity actually is. Some people have an underlying feeling of rejection and need to understand why they were put up for adoption.....and it can be a positive experience for them if the birth family is supportive. I guess you need to be in a stable place to start with so that you can handle it..... because sometimes there may be disappointment. Its good that you took the time to speak to your mom and put her mind at ease.
Not here it isn't...You are expected to fit in with whatever a social worker thinks. Sometimes its ok....sometimes adoptive parents find it undermining and disruptive to their family life.
I think there should be very clear guidelines about the actual role each party should play.
It all gets too muddled and people, as posters have already testified to.... can over-step the mark and put the adoption at risk.
Yes....but people are not wanting to adopt.
There is emphasis on the needs and wants of the child and the birth parents. ...and the adoptive parents, who are expected to do all the work, are overlooked. So they aren't adopting....What a surprise!
Whoever has made all these rules up... has got the balance wrong.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 9, 2013 6:19:23 GMT -5
That's a point. You are bringing children into your home who may have different intellectual/physical capabilities to your own kids. The adoptive parent would have to discover a particular child's talents....and encourage their natural abilities to make them flourish. Whatever bar may be set, must be flexible enough to account for surprises...good or bad. Yes there are whole websites dedicated to this that I have come across when looking at this subject. Not much for adoptive parents. Sure..I have step kids and have suffered greatly from their jealous and manipulative mother....where I'm referred to as "that b1tch" I treat them like my own kids and do everything for them......but sometimes wonder why I bother tbh Its a whole different thread. From the outside...and I'll admit to not knowing anything about it. Its not working too well for kids in care.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Aug 9, 2013 6:23:20 GMT -5
DH and I just talked about this tonight. I have ALWAYS wanted to adopt. DH is not on board with it at the moment. He wants to have all our bio-children first and then adopt later. For some reason, mixing them in would be unacceptable to him (??). And he's not open to inter-racial adoption at the moment but has said he would consider it later. And finances are a huge issue for us right now too. We couldn't afford the $15-20,000 that it costs. Actually, I think if you have bio children, adopting afterwords can be very, very tricky. Some places, like Catholic Charities (at least 5 years ago), would only allow you to do international adoption through them if you have two bio kids. Every once in a while I scout the "special needs" page in our state adoption. Maybe twice a year, there are older kids that have mild issues that come up. I'd take those kids in a heart beat. But, even with those kids, you still need to have an age difference between the other kids, or these kids need to be the oldest kids, or only kids. I'm not trying to be a debbie downer. I've always said the same, that we'll adopt. But, once you have bio kids, it's really not that simple. I think there's more rules/regulations/hoops to jump through than if you didn't have bio kids at all. I like kids. A lot, actually. (So much so I teach 41 kids lessons at night and on weekends.) And as much as we've had issues with #3, I'd love a 4th. I won't go through IF treatment at this stage. Adoption is also off the table for now, not because of the initial cost, but because of the daily costs. We really can't afford 4 kids in private school at once on my income. That would eat up about 20% of our gross income. Then there's also college. So, we'll see how we feel. My kids will all be out of the house by the time I retire from my day job. I'll still be young enough that I wouldn't mind adopting an older kid (like middle/high school aged.) We'll only have college costs for one, and that's it, so having another child then would be much more affordable. I'll also have more time on my hand, (40 more hours a week) to help the child succeed/take them to any appointments, etc. But, then again, DH and I might want some time just to ourselves for a while. I'd like to have nooners with him again while he's still able to. ETA: I've already dealt with a fair amount of crap in my life. All of my major relationships have been dysfunctional at some point or another. (There's untreated mental illness with my folks, DH is a recovering addict). I also am infertile. I know my life still isn't as hard as others (I wasn't beaten to a bloody pulp every day), but it hasn't been easy, either. So dealing with "drama" doesn't really put me off..It's more my norm.
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Ombud
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Post by Ombud on Aug 9, 2013 9:39:52 GMT -5
I adopted 3. But it wasn't an open adoption. 2 here & 1 overseas. Years later (32) DS2s birth mom & family wanted into picture. She rearranged his townhouse including pictures of her everywhere, yelled at him when he didn't send her a mother's day card, told his step daughter that SHE was his mom not me. I've stayed out of it. His fiancée says she nuts. Supposedly birth aunt is ok but he is always asking me if I want stuff they keep buying him. Did I say they never contacted him while birth GM was alive? And when he met birth dad, he didn't want contact? Guy had moved on & was happy
If I had to do it again with an open adoption, I'd adopt overseas.
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Plain Old Petunia
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Aug 9, 2013 11:05:37 GMT -5
I feel strongly that certain information should ALWAYS be available to adoptees and their adoptive families. It is ridiculous to go through life not allowed to know what you may be carrying in your genes, and not having any idea what you may have passed to your children.
I also feel that adult adoptees should be allowed to re-connect with their birth family if both parties are willing. A simple registry could handle this quite nicely, and some states do allow them. Most do not.
Thanks to a glitch in the system in the early days of the internet, I was able to track down my original information and get all of my questions answered. That glitch has long since been "fixed".
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Aug 9, 2013 12:24:08 GMT -5
Well, for me it's honestly concern over the kid themselves. I guess when it comes down to it, I think any kid in foster care is damaged goods, and will have emotional or other problems I'm personally not equipped to deal with.
Plus I think for a lot of people (me included), we want to have our own children, not raise some stranger's children. I think for a lot of people, having biological children is preferable. I might consider adoption if for whatever reason I and my hypothetical wife couldn't have a baby. But I wouldn't want to adopt a kid that was older than say 2, and I wouldn't want to do this "open adoption" thing described by spellbound either.
Plus I think there's always the worry of "what if I don't bond with the kid." You're taking a huge risk and if it doesn't work out, you may have to try and put the kid up for adoption again. I don't think anyone wants that, and I'm not even sure if you can, because if you adopt, you're that kid's legal guardian.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 9, 2013 12:37:19 GMT -5
We are adopting. We are adopting from foster care. We are adopting an older child (10 in just a few weeks) We will have a court ordered open adoption with the bio-dad
This is the right decision for US. It does not make it the right decision for anyone else.
It seems to me that a lot of the concerns brought out in discussions like this (and I believe discussions like this are incredibly valuable) have to do with the fact that people think that by adopting, especially with an open adoption or from state care, they are giving up at least some of their ability to function autonomously as parents, giving up a portion of their control over the situation. I feel the exact opposite. I feel like by adopting, I was given a lot more control of the situation. Unlike birth parents, I got to pick and choose which issues I was willing to deal with. (I have so much respect for the people on this board and in my life who parent children with autism or other special needs. I am NOT strong enough to do that.) C and I said "no" to more than one child because we read the documents provided and decided those just weren't issues we felt comfortable dealing with. Our daughter has some issues, yes, but they are issues that we feel comfortable and capable of helping her with. However, we did make decisions that allowed us this level of control. Even though we knew we would likely adopt from foster care (though we were open to infant relinquishment) we went through an agency, instead of dealing directly with the state. That gave us a team of adoption specialists on our side, whose goal is to help us find the right match, not just the first possible match, and to help make sure we have the resources we need to succeed.
No, we will not get to say "no" to the open adoption, but at the same time, the social workers involved, before going to court, asked us specifically what we would be comfortable with. We had long discussions about what we thought would be best for our daughter and what would work for us. Given the situation, we said we would not be comfortable with anything more than at most a letter and a picture sent to the bio-dad (via the adoption agency/state) once every 6 months. The social workers also felt that was appropriate and will not support anything more invasive than that, and do not believe the judge would actually consider anything more than that. And the truth is, once we adopt our daughter, we are her parents, and if, for some reason, we started to believe that the letters and pictures were not in her best interest, we could petition to end the open adoption.
We took a number of classes on adoption, and open adoption especially, since that is pretty much the norm on the west coast. I agree that it may be harder on adoptive parents, but having known people who were adopted (both open and closed), I will say that those who come from open adoptions tend to be happier as adults. They all know exactly who their "real" parents are, and in no case is it the people they share DNA with. But having that since of understanding, of knowing where they come from, has helped them be happier and healthier adults. I also have a friend who is a birth mother, with an open adoption. She has never referred to the child she gave up as her son. She knows, just as well as he does, who his parents are. She is thrilled at what an amazing young man he has grown into, and is thankful, for his sake and hers, that she made the decision she did. Yes, it can be scary to feel like you might have someone else you have to answer to when it comes to your parenting, but, don't all parents occasionally do things that are scary to them (or that they would rather not do) because it is better for their children? When you adopt an infant and do an open adoption, it is a contract that you hash out with the birth parents before hand. You each have your own lawyers. And while it may seem that the standard contracts, and even teh agencies, favor the birth parents, once the adoption is complete, the adoptive parents are the ones with the control. And you can build that control right into the contract by adding the phrase "or whatever is in the best interest of the child" to all portions of the agreement. And as the child's legal parents, the adoptive parents are the ones who get to decide that.
Yes, there are a lot of extra people in your life while a child is in foster care. We have our agency social worker, the state social worker, and our daughter's V-GAL, all of whom must individually visit once a month. However, once the adoption takes place, while there will be a follow up from our agency social worker in 6 months to make sure we still feel like we have the supports we need, they are out of our lives. They have no more power over us than they do birth parents. (Meaning if we were abusing/endangering our daughter, they would act, but otherwise, we're her parents.)
And yes, my daughter remembers her birth mother with rose colored glasses (though never really seems to think about bio-dad, unless its in conjunction with her mom). And we have some major grief and loss issues. Well, duh. She's 10. At 5, she was caring for herself and 2-3 other siblings. She now only has contact with one of those siblings, and no contact with her bio-parents. There's a lot she's not able to understand. So she's in counseling, and we talk about how it is ok to love people and miss people, and that it is possible to be happy with her life now and to love us while still loving and missing her bio-mom. If she thinks about it (and her V-GAL is the one that makes her think about it, when she gets too much into thoughts of her mother coming back), she knows that her life is better, and her sister's life is better, now. Does this mean that she's never going to throw "you're not my real mom" at me when she's a teenager? Of course not. And do I expect it to break my heart when she says it? Of course. But that's part of parenting a teenager. They say hurtful things when they are feeling hurt. I expect I will respond to it the way all parents do, by continuing to love her and be the best mom I can be.
We hear a lot more about the horror stories of adoption than we do the success stories, and that is true even in adoption training classes, the theory being that they want you to be prepared for disappointment, having your heart broken, or awful things to happen. But all of those things can happen for bio-parents as well, and I'm honestly not certain it's the best method. There are plenty of successes as well. Those just happen to be quieter stories.
Adoption is not the right choice for everyone. And I think it's great that people are talking about it and thinking about it. I would just say, if you think it might be right for you, don't just listen to the stories and the urban legends. Like so many things, do the research for yourself before you make a decision. Agencies and your local DSHS will have informational and training classes you can attend for free.
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Aug 9, 2013 12:41:05 GMT -5
Bonding- per state law, our daughter has to be in our home for a minimum of 6 months before we can adopt her. Even if she had been 100% legally free before placement, she would have to be with us 6 months before we could adopt. The reason for that is to make sure that you are able to bond and that it's the right situation for both parent(s) and child.
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Plain Old Petunia
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bloom where you are planted
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Post by Plain Old Petunia on Aug 9, 2013 12:52:07 GMT -5
Congrats, Shanendoah.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Aug 9, 2013 13:21:23 GMT -5
Yes, Shanenedoah, congrats! I've been following your journey and I've learned so much from you!
I like that although you do have an open adoption you can somewhat negotiate the terms. I realize it is dependent on approval from the judge, but perhaps negotiating terms and setting boundaries is what the UK needs to do, per the OPs concerns.
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