shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jul 30, 2013 11:49:09 GMT -5
raeoflyte - I have to agree with Miss Tequila - I think parenting is hard and all parents who are doing the best they can deserve kudos.
This is something I am struggling with because we do have numerous friends and acquaintances who tell us how great they think it is that we're doing this. And I'm pretty certain I'm doing this because I'm too selfish to want to be pregnant or have a baby in the house. If I were pregnant, or just had a baby, people would congratulate us, but they wouldn't spend time telling us what great people we were for having a baby. I want to be gracious, but the truth is, I see it simply as the way we chose to expand our family.
(And actually, if you are bad enough at being a parent, other people's judgement CAN affect your ability to have a family, because, as DD and her siblings are proof, they will take your kids away.)
We did have one CASA ask us (in a meeting regarding a child who did not come to live with us) what we expected to get out of it. It flabbergasted me. I was like "I get to be a mom..." It seemed like she wanted something more from me, though I can't imagine what's "more" than being a parent. Who knows, maybe that even was one of the reasons that child didn't come to live with us. (Though more than likely it was because there are only 2 kinds of people who can recognize D & D books by the spine from a across the room- gamers and those who are very anti-gaming, and this woman was not a gamer.)
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shanendoah
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Post by shanendoah on Jul 30, 2013 11:51:59 GMT -5
whoisjohngalt - oh, I don't believe emotionally they are the same at all. But I also don't believe that one pregnancy is the same emotionally as the next, or that one adoption is the same emotionally as the next. But that does not stop us from lumping all pregnancies or adoptions into the same categories, so I don't see why it should prevent us from lumping all decisions to have a child into the same category.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 6, 2024 20:21:01 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Jul 30, 2013 11:52:08 GMT -5
Most times there really is nothing to say when someone speaks of a death. Usually I just say something like "I'm very sorry to hear that" in conjunction with either a hand on the shoulder or a hug depending on how well I know the person and how close I am to them.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Jul 30, 2013 12:01:43 GMT -5
raeoflyte - I have to agree with Miss Tequila - I think parenting is hard and all parents who are doing the best they can deserve kudos.
This is something I am struggling with because we do have numerous friends and acquaintances who tell us how great they think it is that we're doing this. And I'm pretty certain I'm doing this because I'm too selfish to want to be pregnant or have a baby in the house. If I were pregnant, or just had a baby, people would congratulate us, but they wouldn't spend time telling us what great people we were for having a baby. I want to be gracious, but the truth is, I see it simply as the way we chose to expand our family.
(And actually, if you are bad enough at being a parent, other people's judgement CAN affect your ability to have a family, because, as DD and her siblings are proof, they will take your kids away.)
We did have one CASA ask us (in a meeting regarding a child who did not come to live with us) what we expected to get out of it. It flabbergasted me. I was like "I get to be a mom..." It seemed like she wanted something more from me, though I can't imagine what's "more" than being a parent. Who knows, maybe that even was one of the reasons that child didn't come to live with us. (Though more than likely it was because there are only 2 kinds of people who can recognize D & D books by the spine from a across the room- gamers and those who are very anti-gaming, and this woman was not a gamer.) I get what you're saying, and we never know what kinds of kids we are going to end up with. I'm not terribly attached to my gene pool, so didn't feel that I had to have a genetic attachment to my kids. But I know when we were faced with that question, we chose conception because it was easier for us on so many levels. I admire my friends who choose or deal with what I consider to be harder paths, and handle it with grace, which you have done. If you were really uppity, then I might think differently , but my guess is that is the feeling people are trying to convey to you. Eta: I don't think I had the emotional fortitude to have case workers tell me I wasn't good enough (regardless of the reason). Now that I have kids, that judgment wouldn't bug me so much, but back then it was a scary thought.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Jul 30, 2013 12:08:25 GMT -5
Listen, if half of your kids gene pool isn't someone you like, maybe adoption is a blessing in disguise?
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Jul 30, 2013 13:28:34 GMT -5
I think the biggest problem is that we never give each other a break. Most people don't have bad intentions. If they say nothing, people are judging that that means they are being mean and wanting the greiving person to shut up. If they say something wrong, it is because they are being intentionally stupid and mean. At this point if I hear someone suffered the loss of a loved one I just say "Im sorry for your loss" and shut up. I am convinced that nothing I say will actually make them feel better but will probably will piss someone off.
And everyone does it with being a parent. Why does someone who adopts have to do it for other reasons than someone who gets pregnant? Why do they have to have a political adgenda or altruistic need? Can't they just want to be a parent like the rest of us? Being a parent is hard enough without having a whole bunch of extra crap dumped on them.
Why is is so hard to just start by assuming that people have good intentions instead of always believing the worst about people?
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