Gift Giving Between Spouses

[kittensaver]

Jul 19, 2013 9:22:03 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  My point is what if there are times in life when you or your spouse can't produce income?   Then what?  Do some bills not get paid or would you not pay your spouses bills? 

Not at all. We would adjust - permanently, if we had to. We would find a way to cover everything until income returns (either through work or through retirement/disability).

We are in this together. We love each other and are concerned for each others' mutual welfare. Every month with our incomes we fund items that mutually benefit us both. And as Phoenix pointed out, everything is TECHNICALLY joint because of the community property laws of our State. They are not "my" and "his" bills, they are "our" bills. We just choose to divvy them up because we both like handling our own incomes. Each handling our own income has saved almost 3 decades (!) of disagreements over how money should be spent. So we each spend as we've agreed for our mutual benefit (mortgage, household, savings, etc etc etc), and the rest that is left over out of my check is up to me. I have no "stake" in him spending his money on electronic toys. He says nothing about me spending on facials or new shoes or upgraded cookware or anything else I want. It's really NOT hard. It's actually really peaceful in our house about money .

The only bills that are "mine" are the purchases I decide to make for myself once my chosen obligations are covered.

ETA: the last piece of what makes this work is that other than a mortgage, we have no debt. I feel like that's a HUGE piece of what makes this work (no debt service). That, and the girls are done with college and married

[kittensaver]

Jul 19, 2013 8:12:05 GMT -5 oped said:

I'd rather be surprised by someone doing the dishes. 

My sister think sits weird I buy my own presents. Like its some kind of relationship barometer that my husband isn't tuned in enough to know what I'd want.... But I'm married to a hard working man who loves me and the kids, agrees with how I want to raise them, homeschool, etc.... And every day I get to live the life I desire and love because of that... Why would I care that he doesn't give good presents. 

That's just me though. I don't think it's weird.that people choose to exchange gifts. It's just one of those thing, like weddings, that I missed the gene for.



kittensaver, you said THE retirement account... You nd husband only have one? He doesn't have his own?

Well right now it is THE retirement account. We both brought assorted accounts to the marriage from previous employers, and those remain. For years when we did not have access to employer's accounts we funded IRAs and stashed into savings. We looked at him opening a SEP IRA and other self-employed instruments, but decided it was a better "deal" to be in my 403(b) at work. Everything including the house and the retirement accounts are in our Family Trust, so it's not like he's gonna get left out in the cold. I pay enough in to the retirement account for both of us, and he covers other things .

[Shooby]

But getting back to the OP, we don't buy many gifts.  I think it is kind of silly at this point.  I really would rather just go buy what i want.  DH likes to get gifts so i still try to make a big deal for Christmas and birthday cuz that is his thing.

[sarcasticgirl]

Jul 19, 2013 9:39:46 GMT -5 Shooby said:

  I didn't say that.  I asked a question.  I don't see the need for profanity but whatever.

what are you talking about? I didn't say "YOU SAID" anything. nor was I implying it. I was attempting to clear up this concept that you don't understand. 

[Deleted]

DH and I have separate accounts, mostly because we have never gotten around to opening up a joint account. We tried when we bought the current house, but after sitting around the bank for 20 minutes while "the only teller in the place who could open an account for us" was helping someone else, we decided they weren't getting out business. And we haven't managed another attempt at a different bank yet.

It's been our system since we started cohabitating almost 15 years ago. After our obligations are covered we are free to do what we wish with the amount leftover. DH is an avid golfer and I would probably go ballistic if I saw how much he spends on it by the end of the summer! 


ETA: In regards to the OP, I like getting and giving gifts. 

[Deleted]

Jul 19, 2013 10:13:34 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

    DH is an avid golfer and I would probably go ballistic if I saw how much he spends on it by the end of the summer! 

Better to bury your head in the sand! 

; )



I get pissed at some of the ways I see my wife spending money, but I would rather know about it and be a little pissed then have not have any idea about how much she spends on stuff.

[Deleted]

Hey, as long as the bills are paid he is free to spend it as he wishes. And I expect the same courtesy. 

[Deleted]

Jul 19, 2013 10:18:04 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

Hey, as long as the bills are paid he is free to spend it as he wishes. And I expect the same courtesy. 

Except that if you knew you would be pissed.

[kittensaver]

Yanno, Beer, that of course we are both Disobedient Liliths who are going straight to hell because we don't come home and dutifully hand over our paychecks to our husbands . . .

[Deleted]

Bad choice of word. How about "flabbergasted" instead?

[Deleted]

Jul 19, 2013 10:19:59 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

Bad choice of word. How about "flabbergasted" instead?

how about thunderstruck?

[Deleted]

Sure! Let's use that. 

ETA: Now I have AC/DC in my head. 

[imawino]

Jul 19, 2013 10:18:04 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

Hey, as long as the bills are paid he is free to spend it as he wishes. And I expect the same courtesy. 

Exactly!!!  As long as he is putting his share into our joint account I can just not care what he does with the rest.  If it was coming out of my account, I would likely flip the F out about his ridiculously expensive hunting trips or the kids catholic school tuition.  Likewise, if I feel like taking a mini vacation to visit a girlfriend or splurge on a spa day he never has any reason to say anything but "have fun, honey". 

That said, we are very much on the same page with regard to savings and priorities in general. 

[sarcasticgirl]

Jul 19, 2013 10:27:42 GMT -5 imawino said:

Jul 19, 2013 10:18:04 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

Hey, as long as the bills are paid he is free to spend it as he wishes. And I expect the same courtesy. 

Exactly!!!  As long as he is putting his share into our joint account I can just not care what he does with the rest.  If it was coming out of my account, I would likely flip the F out about his ridiculously expensive hunting trips or the kids catholic school tuition.  Likewise, if I feel like taking a mini vacation to visit a girlfriend or splurge on a spa day he never has any reason to say anything but "have fun, honey". 

That said, we are very much on the same page with regard to savings and priorities in general. 

THIS.

our personal spending will never infringe on the other spouse's spending because they come from different accounts. all of our bills get paid. we save in a joint account. we pretty much never argue about money.  it works for us! 

and I can randomly buy him a gift without him knowing! 

[kittensaver]

Jul 19, 2013 10:43:16 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

Jul 19, 2013 10:27:42 GMT -5 imawino said:

Exactly!!!  As long as he is putting his share into our joint account I can just not care what he does with the rest.  If it was coming out of my account, I would likely flip the F out about his ridiculously expensive hunting trips or the kids catholic school tuition.  Likewise, if I feel like taking a mini vacation to visit a girlfriend or splurge on a spa day he never has any reason to say anything but "have fun, honey". 

That said, we are very much on the same page with regard to savings and priorities in general. 

THIS.

our personal spending will never infringe on the other spouse's spending because they come from different accounts. all of our bills get paid. we save in a joint account. we pretty much never argue about money.  it works for us! 

and I can randomly buy him a gift without him knowing! 

Another Lilith!

[Deleted]

Jul 19, 2013 12:08:06 GMT -5 kittensaver said:

Jul 19, 2013 10:43:16 GMT -5 sarcasticgirl said:

THIS.

our personal spending will never infringe on the other spouse's spending because they come from different accounts. all of our bills get paid. we save in a joint account. we pretty much never argue about money.  it works for us! 

and I can randomly buy him a gift without him knowing! 

Another Lilith!

what is a Lilith? 

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If you follow Supernatural she's the first demon.  If you follow True Blood she's the first vampire.

In some religious texts Adam had a wife before Eve.  His wife was Lilith.  Lilith was cast out of Eden for questioning God and Adam's authority.  God made Adam a new wife that was submissive to him, until the apple.

At least I think that's how it goes.

[kittensaver]

According to legend, Adam had a wife before Eve. She (Lilith) was independent, headstrong and disobedient to Adam - so he had her banished. Eve was complacent and compliant, so Adam kept her. She "knew her place" so she was allowed to stay and be Adam's wife. 


ETA: Drama beat me to it. My particular reference was to Adam's Lilith.

[Deleted]

Adam's first wife:

When God created Adam, he was lonely, so God created Lilith from the same dust from which Adam was molded. But they quarreled; Adam [the proverbial domineering male] wished to rule over Lilith. But Lilith was also proud and willful, claiming equality with Adam because she was created from the same dust.

God created Eve to be Adam's mate [created from Adam's rib, so that she couldn't claim equality]. And ever since, Lilith flies around the world, howling her hatred of mankind through the night, and vowing vengeance because of the shabby treatment she had received from Adam. She is also called "The Howling One."

I got it from here: www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1513/whats-the-story-on-lilith-adams-first-wife


ETA: Love this part:
Several hundred years after Isaiah, we find Talmudic writings that describe Lilith (now as a named demon, rather than a broad category) as an irresistibly seductive she-demon with long hair (presumably worn loose, a sure sign of wantonness) and wings. Terey wants us to be sure to say that she's a succubus. She seduces unwary men, then savagely kills the children she bears for them.

[jeffreymo]

Gifts between my wife and I tend to be spontaneous, and items that we normally wouldn't buy ourselves.  Those are the best gifts ever.  We both know not to go overboard.

[Deleted]

I love a good succubus.

[Nazgul Girl]

Jul 19, 2013 12:15:14 GMT -5 @beerwench said:

Adam's first wife:

When God created Adam, he was lonely, so God created Lilith from the same dust from which Adam was molded. But they quarreled; Adam [the proverbial domineering male] wished to rule over Lilith. But Lilith was also proud and willful, claiming equality with Adam because she was created from the same dust.

God created Eve to be Adam's mate [created from Adam's rib, so that she couldn't claim equality]. And ever since, Lilith flies around the world, howling her hatred of mankind through the night, and vowing vengeance because of the shabby treatment she had received from Adam. She is also called "The Howling One."

I got it from here: www.straightdope.com/columns/read/1513/whats-the-story-on-lilith-adams-first-wife


ETA: Love this part:
Several hundred years after Isaiah, we find Talmudic writings that describe Lilith (now as a named demon, rather than a broad category) as an irresistibly seductive she-demon with long hair (presumably worn loose, a sure sign of wantonness) and wings. Terey wants us to be sure to say that she's a succubus. She seduces unwary men, then savagely kills the children she bears for them.

Actually, I've been doing medical coding for the last few years. Also, I had to cast off my long beautiful hair and give up howling at night, but just to blend in with the local populace.  All that stuff about me killing my children are lies from He Who Shall Not Be Named but kind of looks like a goat.  However, it's the straight dope on Adam.    He wanted me to clean up the Garden of E. all of the time, grow fig leaves and banana leaves, feed that effin' reptile in the tree, and really was the First Dick.   Being proud and willful can come in handy in this world.

[Nazgul Girl]

    See you tonight in your dreams, Arch.    I'll be wearing nothing but my long, seductive hair and sharp teeth.  

[Deleted]

Shooby, you sure don't know how to word a question.  Asking me if my husband's retirement would be there to support me in my retirement isn't the same thing at all as asking me if one of us lost our income, would the other one step up.

That said, I remarried very late in DH's life.  He was 66 and retired.  He had just retired.  He had been divorced for twenty years or more.  I don't understand exactly why, but he really didn't save for retirement.  My guess is that he never expected to live that long.  All of his brothers/sisters and his parents died young with major heart problems.  He has them, but they are under control.  I sort of understand his mind set.  He figured he would work until he died.  Meanwhile, retirement is very important to me.  My grandmother lived to be over 100; my aunt is 100 now.  I have to save, and I don't want to negotiate that.  It's a given.

I think it is easier when you are just starting out and have common goals, etc.  It's the wealth-building stage.  We are past that.  We love each other, but we really aren't at the same place in life.  Not having communal money means that we don't have to figure out if it is "fair" for me to save money that he likely won't ever be here to enjoy.  I earn it; I figure out how it is spent.  He contributes to the household, a contribution I don't really need except to pay the increase in the health insurance by being on the family plan.  So I save that for house maintenance.  He actually thinks that's cool.  It would really be difficult, living on social security, for him to cough up half of every major project we have done here.  That is the only thing we have to discuss money-wise . . . what needs to be done for the house.

Sure, I'm there if he needs support.  But I think part of the reason that our marriage works is because we do have our financial independence from each other.  It isn't "real" independence because we are connected, but it works for us.

I think that really is what matters.