Knee Deep in Water Chloe
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Post by Knee Deep in Water Chloe on Jul 18, 2013 13:20:46 GMT -5
Poor Archie. That's why his wife has to do all the work to go buy the minivan.
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siralynn
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Post by siralynn on Jul 18, 2013 13:40:01 GMT -5
I'd be fine not doing presents for each other (I usually have a difficult time thinking of things I want), but DH would never stand for it. He LOVES presents/birthdays/anniversaries. I'm super lucky that he's generally really good at gift giving as well. He gets me things like a Nook or a photo printer than I would never think to want for myself but end up really enjoying. We also do lots of experiential gifts (tickets to events, weekend getaways, etc.) DH also started our tradition of trying to follow the year "theme" for each of our anniversaries. (We miss sometimes, but usually follow through.)
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 18, 2013 14:43:48 GMT -5
Even if you have separate finances, by virtue of being married, aren't your finances still combined on some level? I mean, if you ever got a divorce, the courts would view the money as joint. Furthermore, presumably you would still help your spouse out if they fell on hard times out of "your money."
In addition, gift giving among friends can be considered kind of pointless too. If I buy my friend a gift for his birthday, and he buys me a gift for my birthday, no one really comes out ahead. Again, I realize it's more about the thought than the gift. But the custom does seem a bit silly when you look at it pragmatically.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2013 14:49:21 GMT -5
Even if you have separate finances, by virtue of being married, aren't your finances still combined on some level? I mean, if you ever got a divorce, the courts would view the money as joint. Furthermore, presumably you would still help your spouse out if they fell on hard times out of "your money." In addition, gift giving among friends can be considered kind of pointless too. If I buy my friend a gift for his birthday, and he buys me a gift for my birthday, no one really comes out ahead. Again, I realize it's more about the thought than the gift. But the custom does seem a bit silly when you look at it pragmatically. Thank you Sheldon Cooper.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2013 14:57:24 GMT -5
Even if you have separate finances, by virtue of being married, aren't your finances still combined on some level? I mean, if you ever got a divorce, the courts would view the money as joint. Furthermore, presumably you would still help your spouse out if they fell on hard times out of "your money." In addition, gift giving among friends can be considered kind of pointless too. If I buy my friend a gift for his birthday, and he buys me a gift for my birthday, no one really comes out ahead. Again, I realize it's more about the thought than the gift. But the custom does seem a bit silly when you look at it pragmatically. More seriously, there are a lot of times in our married lives that DH and I personally may want something or even need something but will put it off. A birthday or Christmas is an excuse for the spouse to get it for the other person to stop putting it off. That said, I couldn't think of a damn thing for DH's birthday. I didn't even get him a card. 2 months later when father's day rolled around, I realized there were things he really did need - the diaper bag broke, his church clothes were looking a little worse for wear, he didn't like wearing a belt because it hit where his back surgery was which limited his clothing options. So, I went a little all out. He deserved it, he needed it, he never would have spent the money himself because he could just make do. I personally don't do birthday presents between friends. But I do get them presents for their weddings and babies. These are events that should be celebrated and that is what I am doing is celebrating a big event in their life. I've also sent gifts and care packages to friends just because - a care package to a friends who was suffering from severe morning sickness, a maternity top that didn't fit that I didn't feel like returning, things like that.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 18, 2013 15:02:40 GMT -5
Even if you have separate finances, by virtue of being married, aren't your finances still combined on some level? I mean, if you ever got a divorce, the courts would view the money as joint. Furthermore, presumably you would still help your spouse out if they fell on hard times out of "your money." Yes, totally. Keeping separate checkbooks and accounts isn't about "my money that you can't have," lack of trust, fear, having one foot out the door on the relationship, or anything else. It is about mutual, personal preference, period. By virtue of being married I am financially bound to him and vice-versa, and having separate accounts doesn't change that. We don't consider what we do strange, mistrusting, unsupportive, un-team-like or anything else people seem to want to characterize it as. We just do what works for us. YMMV. I was just responding to Shooby who said she doesn't "get how it would work."
In addition, gift giving among friends can be considered kind of pointless too. If I buy my friend a gift for his birthday, and he buys me a gift for my birthday, no one really comes out ahead. Again, I realize it's more about the thought than the gift. But the custom does seem a bit silly when you look at it pragmatically. Yeah, but keeping your spouse happy and feeling appreciated is not a pragmatic thing
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 18, 2013 15:21:14 GMT -5
Gift giving between spouses is strange?!?!
Just yesterday I ordered a Tshirt for my DH that I know he'll love, he'll be surprised and grateful and I'll be happy to have surprised him with something. what is so strange about that?
For his birthday I bought him some moscow mule copper cups. He has been saying "I should buy a set of these" for years, but never does. So i bought some for him and he loved it. for my bday he ordered some earrings from a jewelry shop we went to when we were on vacay in st. croix a few months back. At the time, i was deciding between 2 pair and he bought the pair i didn't. I was surprised and loved that he remembered.
Of course, I am one of those with his/hers/ours... so i guess I'm "strange" anyway.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 18, 2013 15:25:28 GMT -5
Again, I realize it's more about the thought than the gift. But the custom does seem a bit silly when you look at it pragmatically
Life is going to be awfully dull/boring if we only do things that are considered to be pragmatic.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 18, 2013 16:02:18 GMT -5
Again, I realize it's more about the thought than the gift. But the custom does seem a bit silly when you look at it pragmatically
Life is going to be awfully dull/boring if we only do things that are considered to be pragmatic. DramaQ, I'm surprised at you. I thought if anyone could appreceiate a pragmatic outlook on life, it'd be you. Scientists like you should be pragmatic.
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Jul 18, 2013 16:10:08 GMT -5
Gift giving between spouses is strange?!?! Just yesterday I ordered a Tshirt for my DH that I know he'll love, he'll be surprised and grateful and I'll be happy to have surprised him with something. what is so strange about that? For his birthday I bought him some moscow mule copper cups. He has been saying "I should buy a set of these" for years, but never does. So i bought some for him and he loved it. for my bday he ordered some earrings from a jewelry shop we went to when we were on vacay in st. croix a few months back. At the time, i was deciding between 2 pair and he bought the pair i didn't. I was surprised and loved that he remembered.
Of course, I am one of those with his/hers/ours... so i guess I'm "strange" anyway. Come on Sarcasticgirl, don't take it personally. It was not intended as such. I view the world, and deconstruct it to try and understand why people do the things they do. It's just the way I am. And if I come to an interesting observation, I'll post it here. If I hadn't, you would have had a thread to post on.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Jul 18, 2013 16:14:52 GMT -5
I'm pretty pragmatic, but it's nice to know your spouse is thinking about you if they surprise you with a little gift.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 18, 2013 16:20:15 GMT -5
Gift giving between spouses is strange?!?! Just yesterday I ordered a Tshirt for my DH that I know he'll love, he'll be surprised and grateful and I'll be happy to have surprised him with something. what is so strange about that? For his birthday I bought him some moscow mule copper cups. He has been saying "I should buy a set of these" for years, but never does. So i bought some for him and he loved it. for my bday he ordered some earrings from a jewelry shop we went to when we were on vacay in st. croix a few months back. At the time, i was deciding between 2 pair and he bought the pair i didn't. I was surprised and loved that he remembered.
Of course, I am one of those with his/hers/ours... so i guess I'm "strange" anyway. Come on Sarcasticgirl, don't take it personally. It was not intended as such. I view the world, and deconstruct it to try and understand why people do the things they do. It's just the way I am. And if I come to an interesting observation, I'll post it here. If I hadn't, you would have had a thread to post on. oh I don't take offense... so no worries. I just find it strange that someone finds it strange. I do these things because I like surprising my hubs (ditto my friends) plus I like being an awesome wife. and it ups the chance that he'll do something nice for me. so there's some selfishness in there too, if you really want to deconstruct my intentions!
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kilroy
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Post by kilroy on Jul 18, 2013 16:30:52 GMT -5
Right now I would love to get my husband a complete set of the Inspector Wexford novels by Ruth Rendell. He really wants them, but he doesn't want to spend a lot of money on them. He spent a crazy amount of time on Amazon trying to find every one of them for one penny, but then he got annoyed at the shipping charges & cancelled the purchase. I hate seeing him frustrated, so part of me just wants to solve it by spending whatever is necessary, but I know he would be ticked if I did that. And that's part of why we don't do presents, because he doesn't like for me to spend money on him.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 18, 2013 16:49:29 GMT -5
I will never understand the His/Her finances thing. I really dont' get how you can decide who owes what for the gas bill, electric bill, and on and on. It's not at all difficult to understand. Or was that just your way of saying you don't agree with it and think it's stupid? I didn't say that so i don't appreciate YOU putting words in my mouth.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 18, 2013 16:52:16 GMT -5
Because i don't see how you can live in common but then say the water bill belongs to you and the gas bill belongs to me and electric bill belongs to you and the cable belongs to me, etc.
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 18, 2013 17:03:23 GMT -5
Because i don't see how you can live in common but then say the water bill belongs to you and the gas bill belongs to me and electric bill belongs to you and the cable belongs to me, etc. Imagine a couple that isn't married and keep all of their finances separate. now add a marriage licence. VIOLA! that's how it works. I don't understand how people just can't comprehend other's doing things differently. I can understand why people want to combine everything even though I don't. why do so many people have issues with the opposite? it baffles me.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Jul 18, 2013 17:19:54 GMT -5
Because i don't see how you can live in common but then say the water bill belongs to you and the gas bill belongs to me and electric bill belongs to you and the cable belongs to me, etc. Then don't worry your pretty little head about things you can't understand. My DH and I split bills like that for a while. It wasn't a big deal because in general our expenses were pretty low and we had some things that were very much "mine" and "his" (car payment was mine and he still owned a house with his brother that he needed to pay his part of the mortgage). It stopped working when we moved into our house and realized that for every penny I was saving, he was overspending. We've been communal pot since then, but it didn't mean it was "wrong" before, it just didn't work for us. It seems like quite a few of the yours, mine and ours put a set amount into joint checking just for bills. Some even have a joint "bill" of savings. Some split up the bills and then there are some that do communal pot. Whatever floats their boat. It doesn't make them any less married or anything like that. There is no right way to be married or have a relationship.
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kittensaver
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We cannot do great things. We can only do small things with great love. - Mother Teresa
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Post by kittensaver on Jul 18, 2013 17:21:41 GMT -5
Because i don't see how you can live in common but then say the water bill belongs to you and the gas bill belongs to me and electric bill belongs to you and the cable belongs to me, etc. Why not? I've done it for 30 years . . . and it works great - for us.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Jul 18, 2013 18:28:56 GMT -5
Because i don't see how you can live in common but then say the water bill belongs to you and the gas bill belongs to me and electric bill belongs to you and the cable belongs to me, etc. Then don't worry your pretty little head about things you can't understand. My DH and I split bills like that for a while. It wasn't a big deal because in general our expenses were pretty low and we had some things that were very much "mine" and "his" (car payment was mine and he still owned a house with his brother that he needed to pay his part of the mortgage). It stopped working when we moved into our house and realized that for every penny I was saving, he was overspending. We've been communal pot since then, but it didn't mean it was "wrong" before, it just didn't work for us. It seems like quite a few of the yours, mine and ours put a set amount into joint checking just for bills. Some even have a joint "bill" of savings. Some split up the bills and then there are some that do communal pot. Whatever floats their boat. It doesn't make them any less married or anything like that. There is no right way to be married or have a relationship. Aww Muttley it's like you are new around here. Of course there's a right YM approved way to be married or have a relationship
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 18, 2013 21:09:39 GMT -5
We do the separate finances, Shooby. He writes me a check for his part of the household expenses. Since I would be paying those expenses, anyway, I deposit that check into the "house" account where it pays for some of the dog's vet expenses (she has her own account, which I call her 529 as a joke) and major house expenses. He also pays for his own gas, insurance, clothes, car maintenance, etc. It isn't hard.
I don't want a common (or communal) pot because I am a micromanager. He is kind and generous to a fault. I would like to stay married, thank you very much, so separate finances work fine with us. There is also a huge discrepancy in our goals. He is retired. I am not so I have to save for retirement.
I have a 200-cd changer. It is almost but not quite filled. I have a spreadsheet so I can find a cd. It's in the basement with the pool table. I also have a Bose 5-cd system in the entertainment center.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jul 19, 2013 7:52:50 GMT -5
I thought if anyone could appreceiate a pragmatic outlook on life, it'd be you. Scientists like you should be pragmatic. In the lab yeah. However living the rest of my life like I am Mr. Spock sounds miserable. Plus I'm pretty sure everyone around me would have strangled me by now.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2013 8:12:05 GMT -5
I'd rather be surprised by someone doing the dishes.
My sister think sits weird I buy my own presents. Like its some kind of relationship barometer that my husband isn't tuned in enough to know what I'd want.... But I'm married to a hard working man who loves me and the kids, agrees with how I want to raise them, homeschool, etc.... And every day I get to live the life I desire and love because of that... Why would I care that he doesn't give good presents.
That's just me though. I don't think it's weird.that people choose to exchange gifts. It's just one of those thing, like weddings, that I missed the gene for.
kittensaver, you said THE retirement account... You nd husband only have one? He doesn't have his own?
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Jul 19, 2013 8:52:39 GMT -5
I totally agree with this. I buy presents for kids and that's it (xmas excluded - I'm obligated to buy for adults then). I don't believe at all that buying someone something automatically means they are "thinking about you" in some generous way. It could also mean they are frazzled and feel guilt if they don't come up with something for X occasion and it caused them a lot of stress or financial hardship or whatever. I also think the idea of "getting them something they wouldn't buy for themselves" is silly. If I don't think X is worth $20 of my own money, why should someone else spend $20 of their money to get it for me? One exception: sometimes I'll come across something somewhere that I know X person would love. In that case I buy it and give it to them the next time I see them. Not out of obligation or some holiday, but because I know X would have bought it if they had seen it and it would be a shame to deny them the item simply because they hadn't been with me and seen it. DH and I don't exchange gifts (shocker huh? ). We have a gift category in our budget and when xmas/bday comes along we each get some money out of it to go towards our blow funds (money we spend however we want).
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 19, 2013 8:57:54 GMT -5
We do the separate finances, Shooby. He writes me a check for his part of the household expenses. Since I would be paying those expenses, anyway, I deposit that check into the "house" account where it pays for some of the dog's vet expenses (she has her own account, which I call her 529 as a joke) and major house expenses. He also pays for his own gas, insurance, clothes, car maintenance, etc. It isn't hard. I don't want a common (or communal) pot because I am a micromanager. He is kind and generous to a fault. I would like to stay married, thank you very much, so separate finances work fine with us. There is also a huge discrepancy in our goals. He is retired. I am not so I have to save for retirement. I have a 200-cd changer. It is almost but not quite filled. I have a spreadsheet so I can find a cd. It's in the basement with the pool table. I also have a Bose 5-cd system in the entertainment center. So his retirement would not be there to help support you in retirement as well?
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jul 19, 2013 9:17:30 GMT -5
We always kept one joint account. DH paid the bills. We didn't buy gifts for one another on special occasions, but if we were out together and one of us saw something we liked, we got it. I guess you could call it gift-giving year-round. This came about, I think, because I don't remember things like birthdays, anniversaries, and the like. I'm freaking oblivious! I don't even remember my own birthday! DH was a lot better about it than I was. It was a lot less nerve-wracking for both of us to just get what we wanted when we wanted it (if we could afford whatever it was).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jul 19, 2013 9:20:15 GMT -5
We do the separate finances, Shooby. He writes me a check for his part of the household expenses. Since I would be paying those expenses, anyway, I deposit that check into the "house" account where it pays for some of the dog's vet expenses (she has her own account, which I call her 529 as a joke) and major house expenses. He also pays for his own gas, insurance, clothes, car maintenance, etc. It isn't hard. I don't want a common (or communal) pot because I am a micromanager. He is kind and generous to a fault. I would like to stay married, thank you very much, so separate finances work fine with us. There is also a huge discrepancy in our goals. He is retired. I am not so I have to save for retirement. I have a 200-cd changer. It is almost but not quite filled. I have a spreadsheet so I can find a cd. It's in the basement with the pool table. I also have a Bose 5-cd system in the entertainment center. So his retirement would not be there to help support you in retirement as well? I'm not understanding your question, I guess. We are currently a two-income family. At some point, I would like to retire. To do that, I have to continue to produce income, which would be my pension/retirement savings. He is already retired. He will always produce the same income as it is fixed (social security). Like I said, I don't know what you are trying to say.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 19, 2013 9:22:03 GMT -5
My point is what if there are times in life when you or your spouse can't produce income? Then what? Do some bills not get paid or would you not pay your spouses bills?
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sarcasticgirl
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Post by sarcasticgirl on Jul 19, 2013 9:35:45 GMT -5
My point is what if there are times in life when you or your spouse can't produce income? Then what? Do some bills not get paid or would you not pay your spouses bills? Shooby- i am pretty sure that each and everyone who has separate accounts would adjust their arrangement should something happen to their spouse. when my DH got laid off, our finances changed temporarily, but once things were back to normal, we went back to our same financial arrangement. No one here is going to let their spouse fall on their asses just because they keep separate or partially separate finances. just because we organize our finances differently, it doesn't mean we're all assholes.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jul 19, 2013 9:39:46 GMT -5
I didn't say that. I asked a question. I don't see the need for profanity but whatever.
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Jul 19, 2013 9:48:01 GMT -5
It's not at all difficult to understand. Or was that just your way of saying you don't agree with it and think it's stupid? I didn't say that so i don't appreciate YOU putting words in my mouth. I did not put words in your mouth, I asked you if that's what your comment was really supposed to mean since I was giving you credit for being mentally able to grasp simple math concepts. But since you say it's not, if you would like to tell me which financial concept is stumping you I will be happy to explain it (as it pertains to me anyway - most everyone who separates finances does it differently, so I can't really speak for anyone else).
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