NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 27, 2015 9:36:13 GMT -5
Just left a "meeting" with Rowdy and his mom. I get so mentally exhausted with these meetings. She claimes - we don't "love" him enough, "support" him enough, are not "proud" of him enough. I asked her - Is she "proud" of him for deciding to drop out of school? She said, "No, but someone has to be on his side." <shaking my head> This just means he's hearing two different messages and nothing will change and our job just got harder. <sigh> Sheesh. I f I was ever introduced to Flotsam, I would not say a word. Just slap her silly until her face looked like a big splat of red jelly. The woman makes me so virtually pissed off.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 27, 2015 9:38:14 GMT -5
Even though you know why she's doing this, it doesn't help the situation. I wish there was someone who could just TALK TURKEY to Rowdy and let him know the victim mentality does not bode well for his future. We have stories here about siblings and spouses who play that card over and over again until people wise up and don't come around them.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 27, 2015 12:40:44 GMT -5
Not sure he would listen even if someone else talked to him. He's just that type of stubborn.
I did point out something to him last night. He made the comment, "my choices haven't affected me yet."
I said, "2 years ago, you thumbed your nose at the band directors and thought it was funny. Now who's laughing? Not us or the teachers. We told you back then that your choices would affect you, and they are now. You're short credits that are directly related to that band class you flunked out of. The choices you're making now might not be affecting you now, but they'll come back at you some point in the future. What are you going to do at that point?"
He had no answer for me. I'm not sure if the look on his face meant something sank in or if was trying to figure out an angle to counteract my comment.
I'm sure he'll blame us in some form or fashion.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 27, 2015 12:46:43 GMT -5
I'm sure he will. Up to a certain point, it CAN be true. I blamed my parents for a lot of my bad choices but one day I had to realize that after age 18, only I was responsible for my good or bad choices and only I was going to reap the benefits or the curses. Its too bad his Mom sucks at life. Maybe one day he will see how well her life has turned out.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 27, 2015 12:47:30 GMT -5
In the meantime, I'd stop as much as you can, letting him be an emotional vampire.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 27, 2015 12:48:14 GMT -5
If he can keep pulling you in, it gives him more excuses.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 27, 2015 12:52:52 GMT -5
Or whine to his bio-mom/egg donor about it. Who will in turn accuse you yet again of not being "on his side." Does this flaky female with gravel for brains realize that if you were any more on his side, you'd be building bleachers, hiring cheerleaders and setting up spotlights? No, of course not. She's too busy finding her way through the morass she's created while hopping into bed with whatever breathing wheezing male of the dubious species happens to come along and needs a place to stay rock to crawl under.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 27, 2015 12:54:51 GMT -5
Yup, since she obviously sucked at being a mom and got her kids taken away from her, somehow she has to pretend that it's everyones fault but hers. Sound familiar?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 27, 2015 12:56:06 GMT -5
Btw, NO ONE has to be on his side about dropping out. What a piece of work.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 27, 2015 17:21:44 GMT -5
Or whine to his bio-mom/egg donor about it. Who will in turn accuse you yet again of not being "on his side." Does this flaky female with gravel for brains realize that if you were any more on his side, you'd be building bleachers, hiring cheerleaders and setting up spotlights? No, of course not. She's too busy finding her way through the morass she's created while hopping into bed with whatever breathing wheezing male of the dubious species happens to come along and needs a place to stay rock to crawl under. I just have to say that I LOVE your posts! I always have. You have such a way with words, it's like you're a painter.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 27, 2015 17:29:19 GMT -5
If he can keep pulling you in, it gives him more excuses. I'm going to watch myself on this. I personally don't think I'm being sucked in, but I could be wrong. One of the things Rowdy and Jetsam get mad about is how "unemotional" I seem when they are throwing accusations at me. I stick to the facts. They will try to say I'm contradicting myself and then get flustered when I don't bite. I just need to stay out of it all together, but I can't. Seems like every time I do, that comes back to bite me worse.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 27, 2015 17:46:03 GMT -5
Ok. One more post about last night. I've got to "talk the conversation" out of my head or it just keeps replaying and replaying until I do get it out. That's not good for my mental health, but I haven't figured out how to stop my head either. I've tried blogging it out, but that hasn't really worked well for me. If anyone's got any suggestions, I'm all ears!
At one point, Jetsam said, "I know stuff about you that I know he (pointing at Hun) knows nothing about that will make him look at you in a whole new way." Implied, of course, in a bad way - I think she even mentioned he'd divorce me over it.
Hun and I just looked at each other, I shrugged and said, "have at it! I doubt you could say anything that he doesn't already know."
She hemmed and hawed, while I encouraged her to get it out, in front of the kids and all ( because at that point, it didn't matter what she said, she'd already said things in front of them that I never would have).
She finally said....."you have a blog that talks about all of us, I'm sure negatively, which doesn't matter if you have given us nicknames or not, that you haven't told anyone about. The kids just happened to find out about it accidentally. "
We busted out laughing! Hun said - I know all about that and get an email each time she posts!"
Me: "yep, the kids found out about it accidentally and I've told them I'll share it when the youngest is 18. Anything else he doesn't know about?"
Her (spitting and sputtering): "you don't love him, you're in your room crying all the time and are only staying with him because of the kids!"
Me: "huh....Yeah....we totally don't talk about what's going on with me. He has no clue." As both of us were shaking our heads in disbelief at the insanity.
She went on to a different argument at that point since she wasn't getting anywhere. I can't remember at the moment, but I'm sure it'll come back to me.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Apr 27, 2015 18:41:23 GMT -5
She's a flipping loser, kick her lazy victim ass out the freaking door.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 27, 2015 18:54:05 GMT -5
I'd get some help for you and your husband about handling this.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Apr 27, 2015 20:58:26 GMT -5
KaraBoo - I'm going to give another suggestions. I've been down this road with kids. Pretend (and it might be true) that you are dealing with a child who has 'Oppositional Defiant Disorder'. For my DS2, if I say its raining, he'll argue its sunny and wear shorts to prove it.
And having your attention arguing about his grades/school could be reinforcing his behavior. Bad attention is better than no attention and Rowdy sounds like a drama king. So, ignore it. For your and your other children's sake, back out of the issue and encourage your DH to back out also. You cannot MAKE Rowdy do the right thing in school. Or at home. Now, you can have privileges that come with doing the right thing; good grades equals money for whatever, good behavior equals driving (I actually have a 'club' for the shared kid car. I bought that car completely, its in my name only, so I completely control it). I know you have been doing this. So DON'T feel guilty about taking privileges away because you aren't. He is CHOOSING to lose his privileges with his behavior. Try framing/thinking about it like that. So you don't get depressed and feel mean. Keep telling yourself 'its his choice' because it is.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 27, 2015 22:00:29 GMT -5
Stillworking- thank you, I appreciate the kind words. I had forgotten about ODD. I had researched it several years ago. It didn't seem to fit at the time, but now it fits like a glove!
I found a website online that looks very helpful for parents in this situation. If Rowdy was my own, I wouldn't hesitate to take him to be evaluated. However, with his mom in the picture, there's no point. She convinced the youngest that we're horrible for getting her serious counseling and admitting her into psychiatric treatment for help last year when she threatened to kill herself. Mom said WE were in the wrong, that Monkey didn't need to be on antidepressants, and that there was nothing wrong with her that couldn't be solve by just allowing Monkey to move back in with her mom wouldn't solve. Of course, Jetsam only attended one session, so of course she's qualified to say Monkey didn't need any help (rolls eyes). In just two weeks of counseling, the counsellors told us that it was obvious to them that Monkeys pent up anger was all towards her mom, I was just receiving the anger.
So getting Rowdy any type of REAL help will just be sabotaged at this point.
The whole thing makes me sad. I'm not going to change what I'm doing, and I don't blame myself, but I do wish it wasn't like this.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Apr 27, 2015 22:01:45 GMT -5
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 28, 2015 8:11:41 GMT -5
Of course you're sad. You've raised this child because his Mom couldn't. So he's yours. Unfortunately his Dad-no offense-seems to be hands off. That's too bad because he could have been a huge help but it is what it is. I'd look into counseling for yourself and maybe the rest of the kids because his behavior affects all of you.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Apr 28, 2015 10:05:11 GMT -5
He pretty much agrees with me. There is small things we disagree on, but they're minor. Neither one of us agree with what is going on with mom and call her out on the crap. The problem is, she blames everything on me first, Hun second and then, maybe, she'll agree that maybe she has some responsibility as well. Tonight she made the comment that " I don't love my son because I NEVER give him hugs or tell him that I love him." She uses this as "proof" that I don't love my step kids. I just shake my head in disbelief at her. What does that have to do with holding Rowdy responsible for his choices? My son has aspergers. He hasn't willingly gave me a hug since he was 6 years old. Neither of us have a high need for PDA, including hugs. I've explained to her, and the kids, multiple times that people show love in different ways. I also reminded her that the kids were meant to feel horrible by her for liking me when they were younger so any displays of affection now, that boat sailed long ago. It's just frustration for everyone involve. Oh hell no! I would have told her to mind her own Damn business as far as your kids are concerned as she has nothing to do with them. I would also have suggested that she concentrate on her own kid and why he's dropping out of school. I'll be damned before I take parenting advice from someone who obviously isn't very good at it themselves. Sorry. That just struck a nerve. You can hate me all you want, but keep my kid's name out cho mouth.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 28, 2015 18:52:09 GMT -5
He pretty much agrees with me. There is small things we disagree on, but they're minor. Neither one of us agree with what is going on with mom and call her out on the crap. The problem is, she blames everything on me first, Hun second and then, maybe, she'll agree that maybe she has some responsibility as well. Tonight she made the comment that " I don't love my son because I NEVER give him hugs or tell him that I love him." She uses this as "proof" that I don't love my step kids. I just shake my head in disbelief at her. What does that have to do with holding Rowdy responsible for his choices? My son has aspergers. He hasn't willingly gave me a hug since he was 6 years old. Neither of us have a high need for PDA, including hugs. I've explained to her, and the kids, multiple times that people show love in different ways. I also reminded her that the kids were meant to feel horrible by her for liking me when they were younger so any displays of affection now, that boat sailed long ago. It's just frustration for everyone involve. Oh hell no! I would have told her to mind her own Damn business as far as your kids are concerned as she has nothing to do with them. I would also have suggested that she concentrate on her own kid and why he's dropping out of school. I'll be damned before I take parenting advice from someone who obviously isn't very good at it themselves. Sorry. That just struck a nerve. You can hate me all you want, but keep my kid's name out cho mouth. I should have clarified that I made no response to this "accusation" the other night. These are all things that I have said to her in the past when this comes up when the kids aren't around. I try really really hard to stay unemotional when the kids are present. She's the one that brings up crap like this trying to find my "button". AND she'll do it in front of the kids. It's like she gets off trying to get the kids to defend her (which they do) if anything is even remotely said bad about her. Even things said in an innocent manner, without the motive or intent to "bash" her, the kids will immediately jump to her defense. It's very emotionally damaging for them to witness. Hmmm....this train of thought has brought up concepts I haven't thought of before now. I haven't thought she was narcissistic (it's the closest "disorder" that I could think of to describe her), and I still don't think that's entirely accurate, but there is definitely something there that she "feeds" off her kids. I'm going to research, but if anyone wants to throw out some suggestions on where to start, I'd appreciate the help!!
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Apr 28, 2015 19:46:23 GMT -5
Oh hell no! I would have told her to mind her own Damn business as far as your kids are concerned as she has nothing to do with them. I would also have suggested that she concentrate on her own kid and why he's dropping out of school. I'll be damned before I take parenting advice from someone who obviously isn't very good at it themselves. Sorry. That just struck a nerve. You can hate me all you want, but keep my kid's name out cho mouth. I should have clarified that I made no response to this "accusation" the other night. These are all things that I have said to her in the past when this comes up when the kids aren't around. I try really really hard to stay unemotional when the kids are present. She's the one that brings up crap like this trying to find my "button". AND she'll do it in front of the kids. It's like she gets off trying to get the kids to defend her (which they do) if anything is even remotely said bad about her. Even things said in an innocent manner, without the motive or intent to "bash" her, the kids will immediately jump to her defense. It's very emotionally damaging for them to witness. Hmmm....this train of thought has brought up concepts I haven't thought of before now. I haven't thought she was narcissistic (it's the closest "disorder" that I could think of to describe her), and I still don't think that's entirely accurate, but there is definitely something there that she "feeds" off her kids. I'm going to research, but if anyone wants to throw out some suggestions on where to start, I'd appreciate the help!! I know you didn't respond. I was just saying that you showed way more restraint than I ever could have. I can totally see me stooping to her level and reacting.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 28, 2015 19:49:24 GMT -5
That's why I don't carry all the time.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Apr 28, 2015 20:11:29 GMT -5
LOL!! Don't give me too much credit! I have been at this "game" for over 12 years now! The early days - it wasn't very pretty (but I ALWAYS made sure to keep my mouth shut when the kids were around). The kids weren't present - oh hell yeah!! It was ON!! When I was first with my husband (we'd been together maybe a year - less than 2 for sure), I had a dream about his ex-wife. I dreamed that she started to yell at me about something and I punched her square in the face.
I've never punched anyone or anything in my life before.
I woke up feeling the most intense satisfaction that I have ever known in my life (before or since then). I still remember how it made me feel, it was so realistic.
I'd say I feel remorse for the dream - but I'm already going to hell for so many other things, I'm not going to worry about adding this to list as well!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 28, 2015 20:38:56 GMT -5
Don't sweat it. I basically told the EX's kids that I'd shoot their mom if she broke in our house again or even came on our property. They must have passed it along because she doesn't even drive past our house anymore. I feel zero guilt about it.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Apr 28, 2015 23:21:34 GMT -5
This is exactly why I don't date men with kids in the house. I don't want to deal with Baby Mama drama. I am perfectly ok with living the bachelorette life with my girls.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Apr 28, 2015 23:22:01 GMT -5
Flame all you want. It's just not my thing.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 29, 2015 6:59:17 GMT -5
No flames from me. I had enough on my plate raising my own. I don't want to raise someone else's.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Apr 29, 2015 8:12:26 GMT -5
Well, when you do finally give in and plant one in Flotsam/Jetsam's (I can never remember which one she is; perhaps she qualifies as both) moronic mug, let us know. We all wanna be there with our pompoms.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Apr 29, 2015 8:36:36 GMT -5
Oh hell no! I would have told her to mind her own Damn business as far as your kids are concerned as she has nothing to do with them. I would also have suggested that she concentrate on her own kid and why he's dropping out of school. I'll be damned before I take parenting advice from someone who obviously isn't very good at it themselves. Sorry. That just struck a nerve. You can hate me all you want, but keep my kid's name out cho mouth. I should have clarified that I made no response to this "accusation" the other night. These are all things that I have said to her in the past when this comes up when the kids aren't around. I try really really hard to stay unemotional when the kids are present. She's the one that brings up crap like this trying to find my "button". AND she'll do it in front of the kids. It's like she gets off trying to get the kids to defend her (which they do) if anything is even remotely said bad about her. Even things said in an innocent manner, without the motive or intent to "bash" her, the kids will immediately jump to her defense. It's very emotionally damaging for them to witness. Hmmm....this train of thought has brought up concepts I haven't thought of before now. I haven't thought she was narcissistic (it's the closest "disorder" that I could think of to describe her), and I still don't think that's entirely accurate, but there is definitely something there that she "feeds" off her kids. I'm going to research, but if anyone wants to throw out some suggestions on where to start, I'd appreciate the help!! She needs validation that she's loved, matters and is important in their life/lives. I'm guessing her parents did conditional love when she was growing up. Doesn't seem to matter by whom or what kind of damage this is going to that person because her need for love/validation is being met. If it's not met, she's going to keep on trying until she gets that love/validation from her target. Now, most of us have some kind of conditional love feedback in our lives. I do A to Z and Z does B to me. And we're good. In her case, she's never "good" because it's not enough. Losing her kids probably made this worse because she lost the small/constant feedback from their daily interactions. I'm not saying you were wrong to get custody because I think you were right to do so. And I could be completely totally wrong. I don't do much searching on disorders so I don't know if this helps you or is really basic and stuff you already know.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Apr 29, 2015 12:37:04 GMT -5
Buddy is a very handsome lad! That alone ought to be motivation!!!!!!!!!! Thank you!! I've always thought Buddy was handsome - but I figured I was just biased! You would think so, wouldn't you? But, alas, no.....Rowdy doesn't think like that. Part of the problem is because Buddy is autistic (high functioning asperger's), so Rowdy believes that Buddy cannot compete with everything that Rowdy has. Rowdy's always been embarrassed by Buddy's social awkwardness, so in his mind, Buddy is "lesser" than him. But....when I talk to the other kids in band, especially the girls - they always talk about how sweet and helpful Buddy is. Buddy just doesn't know how to talk to girls - he's not quite a Sheldon, but neither is he a Leonard either (Big Bang Theory). Whereas, I see Rowdy as the Phil character from "Last Man Standing". He could be a really good catch, but he keeps lying and making things worse for himself and then blames everyone else. (I've been watching too much TV lately apparently!) Just verifying that you're not biased and Buddy is cute. 16yo me would've been all over that. I've worked with several engineers with Aspergers and other social impairments (like social anxiety). They were all employed and good to work with once you got past the 'shell.' Most of them were also married with kids.
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