CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Mar 27, 2015 16:01:00 GMT -5
Rowdy will probably do the same thing - floating around with no direction until he decides to figure one out. He's a smart kid, I know he'll figure it out eventually, it's just painful watching him at the moment. Hopefully he gets his ducks in a row sooner rather than later. It's not fun watching young people make dumb decisions.... <---- is where we need to be
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 27, 2015 16:02:47 GMT -5
Rowdy will probably do the same thing - floating around with no direction until he decides to figure one out. He's a smart kid, I know he'll figure it out eventually, it's just painful watching him at the moment. Hopefully he gets his ducks in a row sooner rather than later. It's not fun watching young people make dumb decisions.... <---- is where we need to be AGREED!!!
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Mar 28, 2015 5:51:08 GMT -5
It certainly will be an interesting year. I agree on his "secret plan" - only problem is it sounds like there is no room for him at his mother's place - is he aware of that reality and if not, how will he respond?
ETA - congratulations on the job change. Working with doctors, enforcing regulations, and especially telling them no, is difficult at best and impossible at worst. Too many of them fail to rememberbthat the "D" in their title does not stand for "Diety."
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 28, 2015 9:41:26 GMT -5
It certainly will be an interesting year. I agree on his "secret plan" - only problem is it sounds like there is no room for him at his mother's place - is he aware of that reality and if not, how will he respond? ETA - congratulations on the job change. Working with doctors, enforcing regulations, and especially telling them no, is difficult at best and impossible at worst. Too many of them fail to rememberbthat the "D" in their title does not stand for "Diety." Thank you about the job change! I'm starting to get excited! Another week of relaxation and I'll be ready to go I bet! As for Rowdy and room at his mom's....there isn't room for him there. She's said that to us before. He spent the week there for Spring Break a few weeks ago and the attitude ramped up after he came back. I think something was said while he was there because when I asked him (in front of the counselor) if he thought the school requirements would be any different at his mom's house, he stated, "I'm not going to her house." Thinking about him, his reactions and comments - I think he's realized that he's backed himself into a corner and allowed himself to run out of options. That he's got no one to blame but himself and he's attempting to blame anything he can (he's actually attempting to blame the politicians/state government for the "stupid" education requirements at this point). It's really sad - he's a SMART kid - he just doesn't like to be told what to do, wants to have options available, and doesn't know how to act when he has no options left. Actually - that's not true - he does have an option - do the work and graduate or drop out. Right now he's threatening to drop out because everyone else is telling him to do the work.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 28, 2015 12:58:06 GMT -5
You can lead a horse to water.... Just make sure he doesn't "infect" the others with his attitudes or behavior. My girlfriend's husband put his kids clothes out on the front lawn and changed the locks on the house. Stayed on the front porch til the kid showed up and told him to go with God since he wanted to go his own way. The kid was angry and then shocked and then frightened but dad stayed firm while mom and younger brother cried inside the house. The kid couch surfed for a few weeks but parents had already alerted their friends to not enable and the friends didn't. Kid came home sadder but wiser and is now married with a son and a good job. You've tried a lot of other things and shown great love and patience but when a kid is spiraling downward, they need to hit before they can come back up.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 28, 2015 15:10:53 GMT -5
You can lead a horse to water.... Just make sure he doesn't "infect" the others with his attitudes or behavior. My girlfriend's husband put his kids clothes out on the front lawn and changed the locks on the house. Stayed on the front porch til the kid showed up and told him to go with God since he wanted to go his own way. The kid was angry and then shocked and then frightened but dad stayed firm while mom and younger brother cried inside the house. The kid couch surfed for a few weeks but parents had already alerted their friends to not enable and the friends didn't. Kid came home sadder but wiser and is now married with a son and a good job. You've tried a lot of other things and shown great love and patience but when a kid is spiraling downward, they need to hit before they can come back up. Hun and I talked earlier. We're supposed to have another meeting with his mom today. She's already rescheduled till later, so we'll see if it still happens or not. I talked to Hun about this exact thing - what if he's (Rowdy) determined to drop out and does it? How does he (Hun) feel about that? He doesn't like it and isn't sure he can do anything to stop it - I told him sure there is. Let him (Rowdy) know right now that we will not support him if he quits, that he will not be living with us if he drops out. Hun balked a little, but agreed that he wouldn't want to support any of his kids if they did drop out (thus supporting by default a "deadbeat") so agreed that we would have to do the hard choice and kick him out. Right now, it's just talk - I'm not 100% sure Hun would be able to put any of his kids out on his own. In fact, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be able to if he was on his own, and claim to be clueless on how to proceed with a defiant kid unless push came to shove. I don't have a problem shoving if necessary. And if anyone has the question - what if it was my son doing this? My parents put me in jail at 18 when I was spiraling and I know they did it out of love and concern for me and as the only option I left them at the time. I don't have ANY problem packing up my own son's things and taking him to a homeless shelter if he was pulling this exact same crap. I speak from experience that sometimes parents have to "help" a child "hit rock bottom".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2015 15:27:45 GMT -5
You can lead a horse to water.... Just make sure he doesn't "infect" the others with his attitudes or behavior. My girlfriend's husband put his kids clothes out on the front lawn and changed the locks on the house. Stayed on the front porch til the kid showed up and told him to go with God since he wanted to go his own way. The kid was angry and then shocked and then frightened but dad stayed firm while mom and younger brother cried inside the house. The kid couch surfed for a few weeks but parents had already alerted their friends to not enable and the friends didn't. Kid came home sadder but wiser and is now married with a son and a good job. You've tried a lot of other things and shown great love and patience but when a kid is spiraling downward, they need to hit before they can come back up. Mom did something sort of similar to me. I was an obedient and quiet kid, no drugs/alcohol/dating in my teens, and she's a great mom, she really put energy into us, but she has some demons from her past. Unfortunately they come out in totally unexpected ways, usually contrary to her stated hoped for mindsets. She flipped out when I started dating in college, I was the first to actually try it. Still no drugs, alcohol, wild parties, I'm boring. Her freak out culminated over a year into me standing at the edge of the street with my back pack of textbooks and holding a cardboard box of clothes. DH came to pick me, and we've been together ever since. I think she sort of figured I'd bomb out and return in short order. I just made a budget for DH's and my incomes though, started tracking costs and helping DH pay down his debt, and we just went along as I finished my degree. We lived in a room DH was renting in a house, I got folded into the unofficial lease there. I think for whatever reason sometimes people living together really don't see eye to eye, and actual experience needs to be gained so that people can settle down and see what reality is. It's a drastic method, but sometimes I think actually testing things the only way to settle a long standing issue. In Rowdy's case it sounds like he'll bounce off some brick walls for a while, but most people learn the most from what doesn't work out, hopefully he'll see sense sooner rather than later. Good luck with all this Kara!
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 28, 2015 15:48:30 GMT -5
You can lead a horse to water.... Just make sure he doesn't "infect" the others with his attitudes or behavior. My girlfriend's husband put his kids clothes out on the front lawn and changed the locks on the house. Stayed on the front porch til the kid showed up and told him to go with God since he wanted to go his own way. The kid was angry and then shocked and then frightened but dad stayed firm while mom and younger brother cried inside the house. The kid couch surfed for a few weeks but parents had already alerted their friends to not enable and the friends didn't. Kid came home sadder but wiser and is now married with a son and a good job. You've tried a lot of other things and shown great love and patience but when a kid is spiraling downward, they need to hit before they can come back up. Mom did something sort of similar to me. I was an obedient and quiet kid, no drugs/alcohol/dating in my teens, and she's a great mom, she really put energy into us, but she has some demons from her past. Unfortunately they come out in totally unexpected ways, usually contrary to her stated hoped for mindsets. She flipped out when I started dating in college, I was the first to actually try it. Still no drugs, alcohol, wild parties, I'm boring. Her freak out culminated over a year into me standing at the edge of the street with my back pack of textbooks and holding a cardboard box of clothes. DH came to pick me, and we've been together ever since. I think she sort of figured I'd bomb out and return in short order. I just made a budget for DH's and my incomes though, started tracking costs and helping DH pay down his debt, and we just went along as I finished my degree. We lived in a room DH was renting in a house, I got folded into the unofficial lease there. I think for whatever reason sometimes people living together really don't see eye to eye, and actual experience needs to be gained so that people can settle down and see what reality is. It's a drastic method, but sometimes I think actually testing things the only way to settle a long standing issue. In Rowdy's case it sounds like he'll bounce off some brick walls for a while, but most people learn the most from what doesn't work out, hopefully he'll see sense sooner rather than later. Good luck with all this Kara! Thanks Copper! My mom sounds a lot like yours in the aspect that she would blow things out of proportion and over-react to "normal" things. Rowdy will definitely bounce. The question comes down to - how many times will he bounce before he's tired of it?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 29, 2015 10:02:06 GMT -5
I think the same thing that my friends husband did might work. He told his son not to bother calling his mom or his grandma because they weren't going to enable him and when he was ready to pull his head out of his ass, the family would be there to help him again. He did come back after two or three weeks finished high school and went to college. But those weeks were devastating for my friend. DH is a softie. I'm the one who is going to have to go in on Tuesday and tell an employee that DH has enabled forever that the honeymoon is over and that he either does his job and does it well, or he needs to move on. Sometimes the spouse has to be the bad guy. Sorry Kara. It sucks but it's best for all, even Rowdy.
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stillmovingforward
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Post by stillmovingforward on Mar 29, 2015 13:22:12 GMT -5
Ask DH if Job Corp is better or worse than seeing Rowdy sofa surf for weeks/months. If the answer is 'better', now would be a good time to start moving Rowdy in that direction.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2015 13:46:04 GMT -5
My mom sounds a lot like yours in the aspect that she would blow things out of proportion and over-react to "normal" things. Rowdy will definitely bounce. The question comes down to - how many times will he bounce before he's tired of it? I think "off beat" safely covers mom and dad. We did a lot of stuff like quietly doing homework on shallow pitched roofs next to them while they worked, stuff that would make a contingent of adults call CPS. Other things most people count as very normal were fine for mom in theory, but deeply stressed her out when the time came. I get sense everyone would rather not use drastic methods. I'm not sure you need to boot Rowdy and lock the door. Like you've mentioned, it might work to just let him try his ideas and see for himself first hand what ideas of his function and which don't. It sounds like he learns readily and doesn't repeat his bad plans. If I remember right you said he tried running away when he was younger, realized in short order it was a bad plan, and didn't threaten you guys with it again. Based on that, it seems like it might be worthwhile to try letting him get experience with how some of his ideas shake out, while still under your wings, since trying to fully shield him doesn't seem to be working. I get the sense that like most teenagers, he's got theories and frustration that he can't follow through with the theories like he wants. His base logic sounds pretty shaky, but he'll be trying his ideas as a legal adult soon. Everyone tries their theories sooner or later, either as kids, in college/training, or as full adults at some point. Anyway, take all this with a massive dose of salt. It sounds like a really tough situation all around, and I can only guess based on personal observations, you guys are the ones living it. I really hope it works out for you guys one way or another
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NastyWoman
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Post by NastyWoman on Mar 29, 2015 15:33:45 GMT -5
Man, 2 weeks off. Sounds like bliss. And in a way, I'm looking forward to getting my gallbladder out because it's a 2 week min. recovery time. Wait, wait, what? You mean I shouldn't have gone back to work the next week? DAMN IT! I'm with you quince. Think it would be possible to get that week retro-actively
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 29, 2015 17:29:05 GMT -5
If Rowdy was an only child, I'd be more mellow, but I bet the others are watching very carefully.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 29, 2015 17:51:55 GMT -5
My daughter, in all her infinite teenage wisdom told me that when I see her making mistakes I should just let her make them. I told her I'd be one crappy Momma if I did that when she was making mistakes that could screw up her future. That if I saw her heading for a brick wall, it was my JOB as her mother to try to help her get on a better path. Some people just have to learn things the hard way. I've had to accept that my daughter is one of those people. She made a 24 the first and only time she took the ACT, but her grades were so bad she barely graduated high school. She didn't see the point in trying to do well in school. Yes, she actually said that. And apparently meant it. Actually, both my kids were determined to do things their way, even though my son did much better with his grades. Neither of them are bad people but I swear I don't understand them, because I tend to follow the rules especially when it clearly benefits me. But they seem to say damn the rules! I'm doing what I want. I can admire that attitude and refusal to conform when a person can make it work for them, not so much when it is a major stumbling block to becoming an independent, responsible adult. It's really tough to watch your child flounder when you KNOW they're capable of so much more than what they're doing. It's hard as hell to tell your child they can't live with you anymore and mean it. It's hard as hell to tell your child you won't bail them out because you've been helping them in so many ways, but it seems like your "help" is really hindering them. BTDT and it really, really, really sucks. I don't have any advice Kara, but I sure hope it all works out with Rowdy. Hopefully sooner rather than later.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 29, 2015 17:54:49 GMT -5
I hear you. All I can say Kara is that a lot of kids do pull their heads out of their ass. My DD did and so did my friends son.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 29, 2015 18:01:25 GMT -5
I did give DD an ultimatum and I would have stuck to it and she knew it. I swear things improved after that. But I very well could have lost my daughter for good. It was a chance I was willing to take because I couldn't take anymore.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 31, 2015 8:52:30 GMT -5
Hi Guys! Sorry I didn't get back until now after the meeting Saturday with Rowdy and his mom (Jetsam) - I've been doing a whole lotta of "nuthin" in the last 48 hours! Meeting with Rowdy lasted almost 2 hours. When we left, Jetsam commented to me: "I don't know what he's thinking. We've done all we can." as she was shaking her head. What was interesting about the conversation, both Hun and Jetsam deferred to me on the details and waited on me to respond to Rowdy's comments. Even Rowdy addressed me in his statements rather than speaking to either his mom or dad, looking me straight in the eye and "daring me" to challenge him. It's like they all looked to me to solve the "problem". I find that very sad from the perspective as a parent myself. My theory is correct - Rowdy was very vocal about moving in with a friend rather than his mom. Stated he was just going to get a job and not worry about it. We (all adults) went through the process with him.... Is your "friend" going to buy you the cloths a job requires? Is he going to take you to work? Is he going to buy you food? What job is going to hire you without a GED or diploma? Is the friend going to pay for the GED test - cause we reminded him that we already said we were going to allow him to fail if he didn't put the work in. (Construction and fast food were his answers). Pointed out that construction requires you to be 18 due to liability reasons, fast food only schedules for 20-25 hours so that no-one gets overtime. Asked him how he was going to afford steel-toed boots (construction) if he wasn't making enough money to pay rent? What about electricity? Washing cloths? He repeated multiple times that it was pointless for him to even try because the school work was impossible for him to finish and graduate on-time. We pointed out that the work would be hard, but not impossible and definitely easier than his plan. Reminded him that finishing a semester later is also an option (which he promptly shot down). He just sat there staring off into space - I could see the wheels in his mind turning. Based on the look on his face, I commented to him, "Rowdy - you have spent the last 3 years trying to find loop-holes to the system so you didn't have to work hard. Now you're trying to figure out another loop-hole. Instead of doing the work then when it was easier, you goofed off. Now you've used up all of your loop-holes, there aren't any left. You're left to do the hard work if you want to finish. There are no more loop-holes to find." He didn't disagree with that statement, but insisted that where he's at isn't his fault. We pulled up his grades - two classes, he has 0's in for the 6 weeks because he's turned in NO papers. We pointed out that wasn't the teachers' fault, but his and (I said) that he needed to "man-up" and take responsibility for his actions. He got very upset at me when I insisted he take responsibility for his actions when he kept repeating it wasn't his fault. Even his mom called him out on it and said he was out of line. There are 8 weeks left in the school year. It's going to be interesting to see which direction he takes....
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 31, 2015 8:54:45 GMT -5
My mom sounds a lot like yours in the aspect that she would blow things out of proportion and over-react to "normal" things. Rowdy will definitely bounce. The question comes down to - how many times will he bounce before he's tired of it? I think "off beat" safely covers mom and dad. We did a lot of stuff like quietly doing homework on shallow pitched roofs next to them while they worked, stuff that would make a contingent of adults call CPS. Other things most people count as very normal were fine for mom in theory, but deeply stressed her out when the time came. I get sense everyone would rather not use drastic methods. I'm not sure you need to boot Rowdy and lock the door. Like you've mentioned, it might work to just let him try his ideas and see for himself first hand what ideas of his function and which don't. It sounds like he learns readily and doesn't repeat his bad plans. If I remember right you said he tried running away when he was younger, realized in short order it was a bad plan, and didn't threaten you guys with it again. Based on that, it seems like it might be worthwhile to try letting him get experience with how some of his ideas shake out, while still under your wings, since trying to fully shield him doesn't seem to be working.I get the sense that like most teenagers, he's got theories and frustration that he can't follow through with the theories like he wants. His base logic sounds pretty shaky, but he'll be trying his ideas as a legal adult soon. Everyone tries their theories sooner or later, either as kids, in college/training, or as full adults at some point. Anyway, take all this with a massive dose of salt. It sounds like a really tough situation all around, and I can only guess based on personal observations, you guys are the ones living it. I really hope it works out for you guys one way or another I've thought about the bolded part - any suggestions? I think what may happen is he'll move out as soon as school is over in May and in with the friend.... that's the only way he can actually test his theory at this point that I know of. I'm all ears for suggestions though....
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 31, 2015 8:57:32 GMT -5
My daughter, in all her infinite teenage wisdom told me that when I see her making mistakes I should just let her make them. I told her I'd be one crappy Momma if I did that when she was making mistakes that could screw up her future. That if I saw her heading for a brick wall, it was my JOB as her mother to try to help her get on a better path. Some people just have to learn things the hard way. I've had to accept that my daughter is one of those people. She made a 24 the first and only time she took the ACT, but her grades were so bad she barely graduated high school. She didn't see the point in trying to do well in school. Yes, she actually said that. And apparently meant it. Actually, both my kids were determined to do things their way, even though my son did much better with his grades. Neither of them are bad people but I swear I don't understand them, because I tend to follow the rules especially when it clearly benefits me. But they seem to say damn the rules! I'm doing what I want. I can admire that attitude and refusal to conform when a person can make it work for them, not so much when it is a major stumbling block to becoming an independent, responsible adult. It's really tough to watch your child flounder when you KNOW they're capable of so much more than what they're doing. It's hard as hell to tell your child they can't live with you anymore and mean it. It's hard as hell to tell your child you won't bail them out because you've been helping them in so many ways, but it seems like your "help" is really hindering them. BTDT and it really, really, really sucks. I don't have any advice Kara, but I sure hope it all works out with Rowdy. Hopefully sooner rather than later. Rowdy said almost exactly the same things!!! He's the same in that he's not a "bad" kid, but determined to do things his way.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Mar 31, 2015 9:13:58 GMT -5
I'd like to smack Jetsam in the noggin and make her head shake even more. Did all she could, eh? When did she turn into Model Mom of the Year?
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 31, 2015 9:15:08 GMT -5
I'd get ahold of the "friend" and ask him to back off. If the friend is living at home, I'd ask the parents to stop it. If the friend is over 18 with his own place, isn't there a contributing to the delinquency of a minor thing still a law? Stop the choices and maybe it might stop the child. Just a thought. I'm so sorry but I'm the bad guy, too. It sucks but fortunately I'm not emotionally involved with anyone but DH so I can protect him against those who want to use him.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Mar 31, 2015 9:17:40 GMT -5
I'd get ahold of the "friend" and ask him to back off. If the friend is living at home, I'd ask the parents to stop it. If the friend is over 18 with his own place, isn't there a contributing to the delinquency of a minor thing still a law? Stop the choices and maybe it might stop the child. Just a thought. I'm so sorry but I'm the bad guy, too. It sucks but fortunately I'm not emotionally involved with anyone but DH so I can protect him against those who want to use him. Along with this, I think it prolongs the idea that Rowdy has less personal responsibility. If this turns out to be a failure, he can blame yet another individual - his friend, or the friend's family, for yet another reason he cannot make it.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 31, 2015 9:27:03 GMT -5
I'd get ahold of the "friend" and ask him to back off. If the friend is living at home, I'd ask the parents to stop it. If the friend is over 18 with his own place, isn't there a contributing to the delinquency of a minor thing still a law? Stop the choices and maybe it might stop the child. Just a thought. I'm so sorry but I'm the bad guy, too. It sucks but fortunately I'm not emotionally involved with anyone but DH so I can protect him against those who want to use him. I'll do what I can on this aspect - Rowdy does all he can to keep me away from his "friends" as I've done things like this in the past and he figured it out really quick. I have no idea what friend he's talking about, but based on his comments, the guy is not in school. It's probably one of the guys he plays "football" with at the park after school once or twice a week. (I'm not even sure which park they play at - he's kept that from me as well - there are 4 within 2 miles of our house, not including schools.) To be honest - I don't think Rowdy's actually had a conversation with the friend. I think they've all just BS'd with each other while taking water breaks and comments have been made that were along the lines of "If you need a place to crash for the night, I've got a place" type things. I think Rowdy's read into it more than what was actually being offered. That's usually his MO. You know.....because he "knows it all" and "knows what he's talking about" and we're "stupid".....
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Mar 31, 2015 9:32:00 GMT -5
I'd get ahold of the "friend" and ask him to back off. If the friend is living at home, I'd ask the parents to stop it. If the friend is over 18 with his own place, isn't there a contributing to the delinquency of a minor thing still a law? Stop the choices and maybe it might stop the child. Just a thought. I'm so sorry but I'm the bad guy, too. It sucks but fortunately I'm not emotionally involved with anyone but DH so I can protect him against those who want to use him. Along with this, I think it prolongs the idea that Rowdy has less personal responsibility. If this turns out to be a failure, he can blame yet another individual - his friend, or the friend's family, for yet another reason he cannot make it. I seriously doubt anything is going to stop him from blaming others. He's learned this from his mom, she's never held him accountable because she doesn't really hold herself accountable. She's gotten slightly better over the years (I didn't hear her blame anyone for her life choices on Saturday), but he's had 16 years of listening to her say things "weren't her fault" and blaming things on others. Hun doesn't call him out on the responsibility either - it's usually only me that does. Hun will back me up and repeat what I say, but typically doesn't have those conversations with him unless I'm involved as well.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 31, 2015 9:40:09 GMT -5
Well, then I'm afraid he's going to have to find out things the hard way. Doesn't mean he won't come around. Just let him save face but reiterate every time that when he's ready to come home and get back on track, the door is open and the family will welcome him as long as he's ready to comply. Make sure he's got no money or access to money. Hopefully he has nothing of value to sell. Sometimes kids think everything they own is going with them and are pretty startled to find the phone, the computer, the iPad, whatever, doesn't convey.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 31, 2015 9:41:22 GMT -5
Even kids raised by good parents blame them when things go wrong.
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zibazinski
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 24, 2010 16:12:50 GMT -5
Posts: 47,912
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Post by zibazinski on Mar 31, 2015 9:42:16 GMT -5
When adults don't take personal responsibility it's hard to expect kids to.
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NancysSummerSip
Community Leader
Joined: Dec 19, 2010 19:19:42 GMT -5
Posts: 36,692
Today's Mood: Full of piss and vinegar
Favorite Drink: Anything with ice
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Mar 31, 2015 10:19:00 GMT -5
I agree with what Zib has said...clearly, she's been there, done that, got all the T-shirts they make. Kara, you're getting your T-shirts the hard way. You are indeed going to have to let him do what he does the way he wants to do it. But I also say no money. If he thinks doing it his way is so fun and cool and easy and doable, then let him prove it. Let him figure out how to pay for everything he wants and needs. It will be a hard fall when he faces being homeless, hungry and minus all the creature comforts he knows and loves. Some kids just have to learn that way. You did not fail. His biological parental units did not step up often and firm enough, from the sound of it, and frankly, mama Jetsam is just a mama hot mess. It sounds like it was easier for Hun to just go with the flow that ride against the tide. Now Rowdy pays, but at this point, he's almost a legal adult. Not much you can do except love him and let him know the door is open, but there are rules if he wants to walk back through that door.
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 12, 2024 1:18:59 GMT -5
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2015 13:20:14 GMT -5
It sounds like he learns readily and doesn't repeat his bad plans. If I remember right you said he tried running away when he was younger, realized in short order it was a bad plan, and didn't threaten you guys with it again. Based on that, it seems like it might be worthwhile to try letting him get experience with how some of his ideas shake out, while still under your wings, since trying to fully shield him doesn't seem to be working. I've thought about the bolded part - any suggestions? I think what may happen is he'll move out as soon as school is over in May and in with the friend.... that's the only way he can actually test his theory at this point that I know of. I'm all ears for suggestions though.... I guess one idea is, if you could meet the friend figure out their situation/vet them, it actually might be worthwhile to let him try it now? Teenagers get sent to live with relatives to get a change of pace, break their destructive ruts, see a different view. I'm not sure any relatives would take him at this point, but if the end a friend won't take him either, maybe it might be a wake up smack. If he does live with the friend, I doubt they'd put up with BS for long, and would call him out often if they felt wronged by it, which seems likely. The high school diploma sounds like it flat isn't going to happen, so from what I can tell at this distance, I guess I'd focus on having him getting ideas out of his system while society is still a bit more lenient and he can't sign tons of contracts to get himself in trouble. I think it's probably going to be bad one way or another. He sounds like he's actively making it so, and won't stop until he's gotten things sorted in his head. My understanding is that society seems in general a lot more lenient to minors careening around making mistakes than legal adults though. If he does not finish high school, which he sounds determined not to do one way or another, he can still get a GED or certificates and build with that, especially in field work types like installation or sampling. A good number of my coworkers have gone that route. DH only has a high school diploma, he's flying on certificates and hard work now, doing very well as we move to where pay is best. Kids get all kinds of spun around in the teen years, I think as long as kids settle at some point, they can dig in and get going in okay order. Mostly as long as he doesn't get a felony or misdemeanor, I think he can get his foot in the door later at most places he'd want to work, and the foot in the door is a major part of moving along/up. Definitely, definitely, I am just one person with one opinion, and I am not in a position to make the call in the end. I have a ton of respect for how long and hard you've been working with this, parenting is the toughest job I know of. I have no answers, I can only give an idea from what I can figure at this distance. Things will be what they'll be, and I know you guys are trying your best for Rowdy, (your patience is legendary to me) but Rowdy doesn't seem to be responding. So switching tactics seems like a sound idea, I just worry about a "get out" and lock a door plan with a minor if different tough strategy can be sampled. To me that's the ultimate nuclear button, and I'd be hesitant to use it unless someone has more mobility socially because of the various dynamics involved. It's a gamble to not want to do it given the age too though, that strategy might work. There are no clear answers. In the end, I think parenting comes down to doing what seems right. Whatever you decide, I know you're considering and trying, so do what makes the best sense to you. With all the thought and effort, I have to figure whatever you decide makes the best sense with all of the data known
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Deleted
Joined: Oct 12, 2024 1:18:59 GMT -5
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Post by Deleted on Mar 31, 2015 13:31:08 GMT -5
Adding: I guess May isn't that far away. He'll be trying it sooner or later, it sounds like. I got turned around and figured there was a bit more time on the clock, apologies. Good luck with this Kara, I whole heartedly agree with Nancy, you seriously went the distance with this. Everybody has different personalities and learning styles, and he does sound like he'll have to learn some things the hard way. Hang in there, and be kind to yourself, okay? I seriously have a ton of respect for you and your ability to hold on when things get rough
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