mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Nov 14, 2013 21:48:35 GMT -5
I'm so sorry about SS. That's got to hurt. Hopefully, talking it through with his counselor will help him put things in perspective. What his mom does is on her, not him. He's got to make himself, and his future, his priority at this point. Still, it's easy for us to sit outside it all and say that. He's only 15 and it's probably a lot more difficult from his angle.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Nov 14, 2013 22:02:15 GMT -5
I feel bad for the kids as well, but trying not to say anything other than being myself and doing what I've always done - be there for them to the best of my ability.
The girls seem to be handling it better than their brother. The oldest is almost done with high school, has informed us she plans on staying with us to go to community college and is trying to get a job. The youngest is in counseling as well and is doing so much better in school this year than last. She made the basketball team and is beyond excited about it. I talked with her coach tonight and she had YSD in class last year and also notices the positive changes.
I don't know why the events with their mom are so much harder on SS than the girls, but it has always been that way since I've known the kids. He's such a sweet and sensitive kid that tries to hide it behind a gruff exterior.
Zib - I agree she will try to get the kids back at some point, but it will be a long time before the courts will agree with her. We've had custody of the kids for almost 7 years now and she hasn't been able to follow the court's orders to be able to get the kids back. She'd have to be stable for a while at this point and the youngest is now in 7th grade. I doubt she'll be able to be stable long enough to make it worthwhile for the courts to move custody again considering the history.
I could be wrong, but that's what I'm telling myself anyway to keep the crazy thoughts of what might happen at bay.
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Nov 14, 2013 23:21:20 GMT -5
I feel bad for the kids as well, but trying not to say anything other than being myself and doing what I've always done - be there for them to the best of my ability. The girls seem to be handling it better than their brother. The oldest is almost done with high school, has informed us she plans on staying with us to go to community college and is trying to get a job. The youngest is in counseling as well and is doing so much better in school this year than last. She made the basketball team and is beyond excited about it. I talked with her coach tonight and she had YSD in class last year and also notices the positive changes. You sound like a great stepmom and the kids are lucky to have you. I hope BM doesn't continue to disrupt their lives to their determent, but I'm not holding my breathe either. With the kids, I hope they realize when they do have kids (many years from now), they'll know how NOT to act with their kids.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 15, 2013 7:36:36 GMT -5
Boys are closer to their moms for a period of time and vice versa with the girls. SS needs to transition to his father, as the girls transition to you, hopefully. DH needs to seriously step p to the plate and NOW. Time and past time.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 15, 2013 7:38:16 GMT -5
Remember, it's so much easier to send a check and relieve yourself of the day to day hassle and burden. But you are doing what is best for the kids.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Nov 15, 2013 8:11:10 GMT -5
Have you considered using positive affirmations with SS? I have no clue about your faith background but if your family believes in God, the website: www.FathersLoveLetter.com is excellent. The video is best. The written letter is good to look at throughout the day. ETA: Paying bills on time and Saving $500 in a starter Emergency Fund are the first steps. You're doing great!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 16, 2013 8:08:16 GMT -5
I just want to nominate you for sainthood. You must really love your husband and those kids. I hope someday they all realize and appreciate it.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Dec 1, 2013 22:47:18 GMT -5
Aww! Thanks Zib! I didn't notice that when you first posted it - thank you! But I'd hold off nominating me just yet....I think I just ruined my chances.... DH and I have been having more and more arguments lately. Maybe or maybe not surprising, the arguments have nothing to do with our money/budget situation. Instead the arguments have to do with respect and the lack of it - at least, that's what the arguments on my end boil down to. One of the things I was concerned about when I first started taking an anti-depressant was the risk of mood swings and suicidal thoughts (you know the commercials!). The doctor commented to me that the drugs usually do not cause a person to think that way, but that the depression has a person so deep, they are unable to do anything. Once the drug start working, the depression starts lifting, allowing the person to start thinking more - sometimes allowing them to think about going through with suicide. She stated she was not worried about that with me because I wasn't depressed in that way (I have never thought about hurting myself or anyone else). Now....I have no idea if what she is saying is correct or not - I have no idea - I just know that's what she said to me. I've been on these meds for about 5-6 months now (I've lost count). Coupled with the fact that I've been in counseling for almost a year, I've been deeply reflective regarding a lot of things these last few months. Because I've been so reflective, I have looked at a lot of things going on in my life. Work, kids, house, husband, myself - you name it, I've put it under a microscope. I'm working on the things I can change (myself, work to an extent, house) and the things I can't change - kids and DH. I told the counselor last appointment that logically, I know there are a ton of options available to me - I just don't know what those options are without a lot of help sorting it out. Emotionally, there are no options left except to leave/divorce. I'm very conflicted right now, so I'm in a holding pattern. A huge bonus I received from the last appointment with my counselor is this - I need a new counselor. He's so focused on the step-mom/step-kid relationship (as my two step-kids also see him), that he's not seeing the bigger picture - and that is a majority of the issues I have with my step-kids actually stem from my DH - their father. I'll be informing him of this at our next appointment and we'll figure out if he can continue to help me or if I need to start seeing someone else. Children learn what they have been taught - and in some cases, what they haven't been taught. DH mod of operation is to not say anything for fear of upsetting. By not saying anything - even to me when we disagree - he gets run over by whoever - including me. This includes his kids. So...my real issue isn't the kids, but my DH - I see that now and understand. My next move is very unsure. Anyway - that's my update for now. I'll try to check in tomorrow, but it will be late before I can get back. Again - thanks for everyone keeping up with my drama!
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Sharon
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Post by Sharon on Dec 1, 2013 23:07:25 GMT -5
No Advice just hugs.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Dec 1, 2013 23:14:53 GMT -5
Yes just lots & lots of virtual hugs.
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Works4me
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Someone responded to your personal ad - a German Shepherd named Tara wants to have you for dinner...
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Post by Works4me on Dec 2, 2013 4:46:28 GMT -5
Karaboo - Wish I could disagree with you but I can't.
Here is the thing: Life gets real hard when you figure out you can only change yourself ... but it also gets a lot simpler - not simple as in easy but simple as in not complex.
For me the metamorphoses began when I read this, "You deserve better than the worst you can stand." I kept hanging in there because I loved him and it really wasn't all that bad ... it certainly could be worse ... Bottom line problem was that it was an unhealthy situation for me to be in and he had no committed desire to change it.
Counseling and anti-depressant medication can help us to get out of bed and face our negative situations but we have to do the work for ourselves. Yes, you may need to change counselors and yes, your marriage is at risk. But hopefully you are also beginning to realize how strong you are and that you will be ok, because you have yourself and you are learning to take care of you.
Also, an issue like over-spending and the all-consuming efforts to keep juggling all the balls in the air at the same time, can make any of us unable to deal with deeper issues of which these are mere symptoms. For me, over-eating works because all I can think about is how awful I feel and I don;t have to face the difficult things that need to be done. Learning who and what we are is the greatest gift in life but it is also hard to deal with - again simple but not easy.
Hang in there and remember you not only have yourself but all of us standing behind you in support. It will be ok - we just don't know how right now. Also, if it's not ok, it's not over yet. Sending hugs and prayer and doggie kisses - lol!
and
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 2, 2013 10:48:05 GMT -5
Sometimes the BS you have to put up with changes how you feel about someone. Sad but true. Time and past time for DH to get counseling and then you both get couples counseling.
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greeniis10
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Post by greeniis10 on Dec 2, 2013 14:32:30 GMT -5
Karaboo, you are right in that you need to view yourself (and treat yourself) as YOU the whole person - not only by one or more of your "roles". Meaning, I agree that the counselor you have now may not be the best for you personally if he/she sees you as "wife" and/or "step-mother". First and foremost, you are Karaboo and subsequently have multiple roles. YOU the person needs to be happy first before you can be your best at those other roles.
Lots of hugs and positive thoughts! Thanks for hanging in there both with your family and with us!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 3, 2013 9:58:59 GMT -5
We are always here for you. We cannot be there physically but we are here.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 4, 2013 19:05:48 GMT -5
Yes just lots & lots of virtual hugs.
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Peace77
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Post by Peace77 on Dec 9, 2013 23:35:54 GMT -5
How are you doing? Hoping the answer is better.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Dec 9, 2013 23:45:01 GMT -5
Kara, I haven't really followed the thread, just here and there a bit, but I wanted to say that I really admire you, how you opened yourself up here, how you handled yourself on here and what you are doing in your life.
There is nothing I can add that hasn't been suggested/advised to you, but I wanted you to know that I am rooting for you and whatever happens with your marriage, work and the rest of your life, I wish you lots and lots of good!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 10, 2013 8:33:10 GMT -5
Let me tell you, DFs stepkids are the good people they are thanks to him. If their bio mom had still been raising them alone or with another child molester/jailbird, who knows what would have come of them? Every time DF wishes we had gotten together sooner, I remind him that there are two good people on this earth, thanks to him. His stepdaughter has her issues but they don't stem from DF but from her mom. DFs stepson married well so he's all set! We just pray his wife never wises up!!
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Dec 11, 2013 23:32:34 GMT -5
Thanks for all of the hugs and support guys! I appreciate all of the responses and I'm really sorry that I'm doing drive-by posting it seems like. Half the time I'm utterly exhausted and do absolutely nothing and the other half the time I'm so incredibly busy that I can't keep up with anything! Logically, I know that if I'd just suck it up and work on something, I'd be much further ahead, but realistically it just isn't happening. But that may be changing! Some updates - I haven't been back to the counselor yet. I'm in the North Texas area and we were hit with an ice storm late last week that cancelled my counseling appointment. We finally thawed out today - us Texans are NOT good with ice and we're much happier now that everything is melting. I expect to have that appointment rescheduled tomorrow at the latest (probably for next week - I hope!). DH and I are still working things out and working together. I think he's finally understanding how unhappy I have been because now he's really stepping up in areas that he's never done before (with the kids, house and work). He's trying and that's something in my book. Will it last? I don't know, but I'm not worried about that....I'm just taking one day at a time. Even the kids have noticed the change in attitude and they've stepped up - I've noticed they are being more responsible and doing what they need to do without as much prompting. One of the things I've been struggling with is physical exhaustion. I've been so sleepy that half the time I'm struggling to stay awake. Besides the antidepressant and thyroid medicine, my doctor had recommended a sleep study. I grudgingly did it about a month ago. The results came back with moderate sleep apnea and I've been given a cpap machine to sleep with. UGH! I hate it! BUT.....after having it for almost 3 weeks now, I'm just starting to notice that I'm not yawning by noon and I actually have some energy left after work. I've actually accomplished 2 minor projects this week (going through a pile of paperwork and installing hooks in my closet for my work sweaters). It may not seem like much, but for me, it's huge! SS has brought most of his grades up - he's still failing one class for the 6 weeks and he may still fail 2 classes (total) for the semester, but that's much better than the 5 failing classes after the 1st 6 weeks this school year. We're trying to be encouraging with him and it seems to be helping some. We talked a little the other night and he still has plans on joining the military after HS. I told him frankly that he will struggle with the authority aspect of the military initially, but that if he can survive through boot-camp, I believe it would be a very good fit for him. Surprise, surprise, SS stated that everyone struggles with something in life and the struggles are what help us grow and he knows he'll struggle, but he thinks it is a good choice for him as well. Fingers crossed!! As for our budget - what this whole thread was about to begin with - we're paying our bills and still struggling to catch up with everything we fell behind on. There's only 2 bills late/deliquent and the repossessed boat that we're behind on, but everything else is caught up and we're slowly paying down everything. We did back-slide in either October or November - I guess October? - by $2k, but the results of November is that we've paid off $300 more than before. So....yes, we're still $1700 over, but we're trying to pay things down as well. Now - I expect me/us to back-slide a little in the budget area for December as well. A few weeks ago, when I posted that I was running away in the Annoynmous Notes thread, I really did run away and DH didn't know where I was for about 6 hours. My first thought/urge was to leave the state and go to the nearest casino and blow our entire savings on gambling (since there's not enough there to buy a ticket to fly to an island). Saner thoughts prevailed and I went Christmas shopping instead. I never made it to the ATM for cash, so I ended up putting the purchases on the charge card I had with me (that we've been using for medical expenses) and I probably spent at least $200. So much for discipline! I regret it now, but I can say, in the moment, I didn't care. Anyway - I keep promising that I'll be back the next night for more updates and that doesn't happen....so I'm going to stop doing that. Instead, I'm going to say again how much I appreciate all of your thoughts and support and hugs. It means so much to me! I will continue to try and respond and post when I can.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Dec 11, 2013 23:51:01 GMT -5
KaraBoo, it's good to hear from you! I think of you often and wonder how your family is getting along. You're trying so hard, and that ain't easy! You're going to backslide from time to time. That's going to happen anytime you take it upon yourself to break bad habits. As long as you keep putting one foot in front of the other and heading in the right direction to get where you're going, it'll happen for you. Just take care of you and be the wonderful person you are.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 12, 2013 7:16:03 GMT -5
Props to you. One time my ex and I had a fight and I bought 2-3 hundred dollars worth of VS stuff just for me. Couldn't have made him happier! I felt better and he got eye candy. Men are so weird. But I needed that boost and felt I deserved it and so do you. Knowing you, the stuff was for the kids and not yourself but if it helped a funk, so what? Glad to hear your updates. Sorry the breathing thing is so awful but glad it gives you results. Lack of sleep is a killer, literally. When DF has a bad night, I suffer the next day and I'm gloomy for sure. So I know it. Told him next house must have two bedrooms close to each other. I can't sleep on another floor because if DF has an issue I won't hear him call me. But I need my sleep, too. Take care of yourself. When you feel better and more worthy of respect, it comes back to you in good things, doesn't it? Both with your DH and your kids.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 12, 2013 10:58:39 GMT -5
Glad to hear there's improvement in both finances and health! Zib, what about a baby monitor if you must sleep far away from your DF? You'll still hear him and he won't have to be that loud to be heard.
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NancysSummerSip
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Post by NancysSummerSip on Dec 12, 2013 11:48:40 GMT -5
Boo, I am amazed that after all you have been through, you are still standing, mentally, physically and emotionally.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 12, 2013 14:44:44 GMT -5
I'd hear every little noise. He breathes funny even when he's not snoring. Monitors are designed to make sure parents wake up. I could hear DD breathing which was nice on one hand but creepy on the other. No winning that one.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 12, 2013 14:50:41 GMT -5
It was a thought, I slept through all "normal" noises though.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Dec 12, 2013 17:22:25 GMT -5
It was a good thought. Sigh.
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KaraBoo
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Post by KaraBoo on Dec 16, 2013 21:05:03 GMT -5
GUYS!!! I have some good news!! Ex-husband/Flotsam - paid childsupport - a whopping $4,000!!! He's still behind, but I'm not turning my nose up at it either! I have no idea where the money came from because last I heard, he was out of work and attempting to file for Disability (does being a mental douchecanoe count?), but at this point I don't care either. EVERY penny counts and this is a lot of pennies!!! So....now I need some help in deciding what to do with the money. I talked with DH tonight and we both came to the agreement that we need to make sure we spend the money wisely. Problem is....we're not sure exactly what that means and we're both a little at odds on what to spend it on. I suggested to DH that I get some opinions on what to do with the money from the board - he was okay with that as long as I didn't become obsessive about the suggestions being the only way. I told him no way - I just want suggestions, the ultimate decision is ours - you guys just may give us a suggestion we hadn't thought about. He was okay with it at that point. So - here's my request for help: How do we allocate the money? Some suggestions already on the table: Savings Pay down/off bills/catch up those that are behind (not enough for all three) Blow it all at the casino (just joking! ) Upgrade Christmas for the kids (this is the first year that there are hardly any presents under the tree and we're pretty much done shopping except for one gift) Buy both of our vehicles new shocks (which they both need - probably run $800-$1200 for both due to the models) Buy a treadmill/elliptical (we both need to lose weight as it is affecting our health) Giving each of us a small amount of "blow" money each Get the boat back (NOT happening - not only is it not enough, but we'd just be right back here in a few months anyway - but DH said it was nice to think about and dream anyway.....) We're actually thinking we'll do a combination of something above - we're just not sure what. I know what I'd do if it was just up to me - but I'm curious regarding what you guys will suggest. HAVE AT IT!!
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Dec 16, 2013 21:07:31 GMT -5
Get an elliptical off eBay or Craigslist. Put $1000 in an emergency fund. Fix your cars.
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tcu2003
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Post by tcu2003 on Dec 16, 2013 21:14:46 GMT -5
Get an elliptical off eBay or Craigslist. Put $1000 in an emergency fund. Fix your cars. This. With anything left after these 3 things, I'd try to pay off one of your debts, if possible (I'm thinking you had some smaller debts, but I can't remember) - that would be one less payment to hassle with each month. While I know it'd be nice to upgrade Christmas, I wouldn't go there. The kids need to really understand that you're serious about being broke, and even more, you're serious about fixing the problem.
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swamp
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THEY’RE EATING THE DOGS!!!!!!!
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Post by swamp on Dec 16, 2013 21:21:10 GMT -5
Upgrading Christmas sends the wrong message to the kids.
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