Ava
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Post by Ava on Apr 6, 2013 20:59:47 GMT -5
Yes, I know we have talked about this many times. And I have been around this place long enough to know better. I lent my best friend $1,000 back in August. The other day I was driving home, thinking about something else and it just downed on me that he has no intention of paying me back. Lately, we only talk on the phone if I call him, and I haven't seen him in a long time. We used to get together every weekend for lunch and grocery shopping. He asked me for the loan last year. He had just graduated as a Medical Assistant and needed the money to buy a car and get a better job. Well, he bought the car, but he never even looked for jobs. He's still working as a waiter and his student loans are in deferrement. He claimed financial hardship and hasn't made one payment yet. I lent him the money because I really thought he wanted to get ahead in life, and that he'll get a better job and pay me back. He's gotten money back from taxes, taken a vacation, and now is receiving weekly payments from a court settlement. He hasn't paid me one penny yet. Fortunately I don't need the money for everyday expenses, but I took it out of my EF. I start my Master's Degree next month and I have to buy a laptop computer and books. I think the worst part is not so much being out 1K, but the feeling that you thought you were helping someone you care about and then they just don't make an effort, and then turn their back on you. This was the first time I lent someone money, and I am pretty certain it will be also the last.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Apr 6, 2013 21:01:40 GMT -5
Sounds like the friendship is,toast. Send him a demand letter via certified letter.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Apr 6, 2013 21:03:16 GMT -5
Thanks for the idea, Swamp. But right now I have more of a "wait and see" attitude. I am going on vacation to Argentina in a few days, and he always looks after my cat when I'm gone. I'll have a conversation with him once I come back.
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Jaguar
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Post by Jaguar on Apr 6, 2013 21:03:46 GMT -5
Sounds like the friendship is,toast. Send him a demand letter via certified letter. ![](http://syonidv.hodginsmedia.com/vsmileys/yeahthat.gif)
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Apr 6, 2013 21:04:59 GMT -5
Thanks for the idea, Swamp. But right now I have more of a "wait and see" attitude. I am going on vacation to Argentina in a few days, and he always looks after my cat when I'm gone. I'll have a conversation with him once I come back. Wait and see before he even mentions it? ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png)
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SVT
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Post by SVT on Apr 6, 2013 21:11:46 GMT -5
I lend money to a friend of mine. It's been a couple thousand here and a thousand there. I just think of it as I'm giving it to her and don't see it as a loan.
Good luck!
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 6, 2013 21:16:54 GMT -5
I lend money to a friend of mine. It's been a couple thousand here and a thousand there. I just think of it as I'm giving it to her and don't see it as a loan. Good luck! I dont' have it in me to do something like that. If you borrow from me and never repay me, that is stealing....so to preserve family/friendship I never loan money out. I also don't give my money away. My now ex-bff is a financial trainwreck but I would never consider bailing her out. Her financial mess is her own to deal with.
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SVT
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Post by SVT on Apr 6, 2013 21:20:56 GMT -5
The sex is very good.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 6, 2013 21:25:12 GMT -5
i'm a female, we don't have to pay for sex ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png)
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2013 21:40:36 GMT -5
For years I was the person that did that, mainly to my parents. I have finally grown up and I am making it up to people now. But it took a lot of years. I am very grateful for the friends and family that loved me when I wasn't very lovable.
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SVT
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Post by SVT on Apr 6, 2013 21:42:48 GMT -5
i'm a female, we don't have to pay for sex ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/tongue.png) haha! Well, she's always paid me back so I've never paid for sex ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/smiley.png) . She's got about $1000 she owes me now. She does my grocery shopping every weekend for me and cooks, too. The groceries she buys gets deducted from what she owes me. It's a decent setup ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/grin.png)
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Apr 6, 2013 21:44:24 GMT -5
It's always risky to loan money to a friend. There are so many unintended messages that it sends. The problem is if someone that you care about is in trouble, you want to help and end up risking the friendship instead of really helping.
I loaned $2000 to a couple of friends last fall but I wouldn't have done it if it was coming out of funds that I needed. She was in the hospital for surgery and unexpectedly off work. They have paid back about half but unfortunately she is back in the hospital again so I may end up offering the money back that they repaid.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2013 21:48:12 GMT -5
I lent money to a bf while we were living together. It was $2500 because he owed the IRS, and I thought we would get married once he settled it. He didn't even bother to fill out the paperwork. But I didn't nag when we were together.
After he was gone, I asked for repayment. I knew he couldn't pay it all at once so I suggested a repayment schedule of $100 a month. I also was really fair. I subtracted the $500 laptop he had given me (even though I had given him equally expensive presents) and the $500 he had paid toward replacing the kitchen stove. He didn't live here now.
I had to ask a couple of times, but he eventually set up automatic payments through his bank. However, he also knew that I was good friends with his father, who would have given me the money and be ashamed of his son. There was a lot of financial stuff his father didn't know. And I didn't tell since he was paying me.
I no longer loan money.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Apr 6, 2013 21:48:13 GMT -5
laterbloomer; I am glad that you realized you were wrong and changed. I never ask anyone for money. I never lend money either. I'm very upfront about it, and in general nobody hits me for loans. It was an exception for someone who's been a friend for 10 years and I really bought his story. The point of this thread is to make others realize that you just can't lend money. It sounds like a good idea sometimes, but just don't. You loose the money and the friend. I thought this case was the exception, but time is proving me wrong. I can live without the 1K, but I earned that money, it's mine, I'll love to get it back. The friendship becoming toast actually is the worst part of this deal for me. Years ago, another friend asked me for money, I said no, and we remained friends. But she wanted the money to bail out her husband who had been arrested for forgery, so that was an easy no.
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SVT
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Post by SVT on Apr 6, 2013 21:56:02 GMT -5
How about a parent?
I'm so glad and sort of surprised my mom hasn't asked me for money yet. She has an idea what I make and knows I have some savings. She's been unemployed since January and was struggling a little bit even before she became unemployed. I don't want to "loan" her anything and I hope she never asks.
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Post by BeenThere...DoneThat... on Apr 6, 2013 22:14:45 GMT -5
...next birthday card, write, "Happy ($980 to go)th Birthday!" ![](http://i239.photobucket.com/albums/ff155/JiminiChristmas/smileys/cake.gif) ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Apr 6, 2013 22:16:37 GMT -5
I would give money to my mom if she needed it. Not lend, just give. She made crazy mad sacrifices to raise me, and helped me more than once when I was younger. Now she's retired and in no position to help, so I'm glad I have my act together! I would give her money if she asked, as a gift, not as a loan. It's different when someone asks for a loan, and you give them money telling them it has to be repaid. I only did it so he didn't have to take out a commercial loan, take out full insurance coverage on the car, and pay interest. It wasn't a gift, and he knew it.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Apr 6, 2013 22:18:55 GMT -5
For years I was the person that did that, mainly to my parents. I have finally grown up and I am making it up to people now. But it took a lot of years. I am very grateful for the friends and family that loved me when I wasn't very lovable. I think you are such a wonderful person, not some sanctimonious youknowwhat that has never done anything but be perfect. I hate the sanctimonious youknowwhats that post here how perfect they are and have some kind of ****** because they loaned a friend some money and dollar wise they didnt come out even. Their whole, "I was raised by dysfuntional parents yet I have only made good decisions the same as anyone could and those who havent made good decisions deserve nothing but contempt is stupid. imo I think that most of us posting here are telling our stories to help Ava feel better and realize that she isn't the only one that has loaned out money against YM procedures.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Apr 6, 2013 22:19:04 GMT -5
Been There, that's funny! ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/smiley.png) I don't give him birthday gifts, though. I'm just waiting because I'll be gone on vacation and he takes care of my cat when I'm not here. My cat gets along very well with him, and I want her to be as comfortable as possible while I'm away. I called him a week ago and he said he'll do it. Once I come back I'll have to talk to him about the loan.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2013 22:28:00 GMT -5
Ava, when you talk to your friend . . . figure out what you want him to do. Maybe $50 . . . maybe even $25 . . . a month is all you think he can afford. That's ok. You don't want him to get the mindset that I can't pay it all so I can't pay anything.
That's what worked with the ex b-f. $100 a month was doable for him. I don't think he would have ever repaid me if I hadn't suggested HOW he could repay me. Trust me . . $50 won't be as threatening as asking for $1000 all at once.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Apr 6, 2013 22:49:13 GMT -5
steve; I haven't talked to him about it because I find it embarrassing. I don't have anything to be embarrassed about, but I feel uncomfortable. It becomes a very delicate situation, when you have to have that kind of conversation. It should come from him, I feel, not from me. I don't want to do it, but I will. Southernsusana; I totally agree with you. A monthly payment would be fine. What's irking me is that he hasn't even mentioned paying back, in installments, lump sum, whatever, in a long time. Last year he said a couple of times; I'll pay you soon. He just stopped talking about it, and lately he doesn't hang up with me anymore.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 6, 2013 22:56:42 GMT -5
Maybe he can work it off "cat sitting". Seriously. Figure out what you would pay a cat sitter to check on your pet and start reducing the debt.
My friends won't let me pay them but since it's such a one-sided deal, I give them gift certificates, buy them lunch, whatever to thank them.
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Ava
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Post by Ava on Apr 6, 2013 23:19:20 GMT -5
Oh, he cat sits when I go on vacation, but I pay him. He never asked to get paid, but I always leave a check for him and he takes it. It's $100, and he comes every other day for two weeks. He cleans her litter box, fills her food and water bowls, and plays with her for a little bit. I don't know if that's the going rate, but it's what I can pay and he never complained.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Apr 6, 2013 23:57:54 GMT -5
Skip the check this time and see if he has the nerve to ask?
If he does, tell him it is the first payment on his loan?
I agree that asking for monthly payments is the way to go - personally I would go for $100 per month as that way, iedeally, it will be over in less than a year.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Apr 7, 2013 6:14:41 GMT -5
Ava, if he had the balls to ask you for money, you need to have the balls to ask for repayment, and, no, I would not leave him a check for cat sitting.
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8 Bit WWBG
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Post by 8 Bit WWBG on Apr 7, 2013 7:43:07 GMT -5
Are you absolutely sure he is going to follow through on the cat sitting duties? This is a delicate situation since you will be out of the country and if he decides to flake, what will happen? Hopefully he isn't heartless enough to blow off the duty, but I don't like to take chances with that sort of situation.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2013 7:45:29 GMT -5
Well, that's a good way to start the conversation. "(Name), I'm starting school next month and I need a laptop. I've been trying to be patient about that loan, but I really need the money to get that laptop How much can you give me now and how much can you give me per month till it's paid off?"
Some people who can't manage their finances decide whom to pay based on the consequences and how loud they scream. If you continue to do nothing, I suspect you won't see a dime. Consider this an exercise in assertiveness training with a $1,000 reward at the end. I've always been bad at this but as I get older, I'm getting better at it.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Apr 7, 2013 8:08:39 GMT -5
I never lend money. I give it. I have given financial help to my bil. We told him it was a gift. And it truly was and we didn't want or expect payback. Loaning money changes a relationship. You now become the banker and that person is now beholden. The beholden person doesn't like the feeling of "owing". You don't like the feeling that you were taken advanatage of. Then, you view that person in a different light. You start to see them eating out, taking a trip, shopping and think "why haven't they paid me back"? That person then also starts to avoid you and the relationship goes down the drain. So, because of that, i don't lend. Gifts only with NO strings attached and given in the spirit of giving. As for your friend, you can certainly ask for payback, but i wouldn't hold my breath. Most people who truly are going to pay back will do so as quickly as possible. You can decide to let this annoy you or just chalk it up to part of your life's education and forget about it. It isn't worth the knot in your stomach. I mean, go ahead and ask for payback but if it isn't forthcoming , i would just move on wiser.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Apr 7, 2013 8:13:00 GMT -5
I learned my lesson over 25 years ago! And I agree with what you just said. Have a great day. Shooby. ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/cool.png)
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Apr 7, 2013 8:50:21 GMT -5
For years I was the person that did that, mainly to my parents. I have finally grown up and I am making it up to people now. But it took a lot of years. I am very grateful for the friends and family that loved me when I wasn't very lovable. I think you are such a wonderful person, not some sanctimonious youknowwhat that has never done anything but be perfect. I hate the sanctimonious youknowwhats that post here how perfect they are and have some kind of ****** because they loaned a friend some money and dollar wise they didnt come out even. Their whole, "I was raised by dysfuntional parents yet I have only made good decisions the same as anyone could and those who havent made good decisions deserve nothing but contempt is stupid. imo I guess that makes me sanctimonious...that's ok, if you are judging me because I've managed to become successful despite my childhood and expect the same from others, I can live with that ![](http://images.proboards.com/new/wink.png)
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