Never lend money to a friend

[formerroomate99]

Apr 6, 2013 23:19:20 GMT -5 Ava said:

Oh, he cat sits when I go on vacation, but I pay him. He never asked to get paid, but I always leave a check for him and he takes it. It's $100, and he comes every other day for two weeks. He cleans her litter box, fills her food and water bowls, and plays with her for a little bit.
I don't know if that's the going rate, but it's what I can pay and he never complained.

Then quit paying him.  Seriously.  Why on earth would you pay someone who owes you money? 

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Apr 8, 2013 11:16:35 GMT -5 @steve said:

There was no 'contempt' in Miss T's posts.  You're the only one showing contempt, as I've read it, and that's of what you consider 'sanctimonious' people who managed to make smarter choices in difficult situations.

MT said she would have contempt for anyone who borrowed money from her and didnt pay it back.   I asked if that would extend to her children.  I think contempt is a ugly emotion that says as much about the person holding it as the person it is directed at.  I was wanting to understand her better.  It was MT who said she was sanctimonious, not me.

I dont know what your second sentence means.

You started the 'sanctimonou's talk. And the 'I hate' talk. Hate is also an ugly emotion. Pot, meet kettle.

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Apr 8, 2013 11:19:27 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

Apr 6, 2013 23:19:20 GMT -5 Ava said:

Oh, he cat sits when I go on vacation, but I pay him. He never asked to get paid, but I always leave a check for him and he takes it. It's $100, and he comes every other day for two weeks. He cleans her litter box, fills her food and water bowls, and plays with her for a little bit.
I don't know if that's the going rate, but it's what I can pay and he never complained.

Then quit paying him.  Seriously.  Why on earth would you pay someone who owes you money? 

I have to agree with this.  I would just not leave any $ for the cat-sitting and see if he brings it up.  If he does, you have an opening to discuss the money lent and not repaid.  Tell him you're squaring it up since he hasn't been able to yet.  If he doesn't bring it up, you're only out $900 now.   

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Apr 8, 2013 11:51:08 GMT -5 @steve said:

You started the 'sanctimonou's talk. And the 'I hate' talk. Hate is also an ugly emotion. Pot, meet kettle.

I'm not sure if you're offended by something I said or what.  I said I dont like sanctimony and contempt for people who made bad choices.  I am not Christian but, "hate the sin, love the sinner" is a phrase I grew up hearing.  I dont understand why people take it so personal when someone does them wrong.

Laterbloomer said that she did some wrong things, but grew up.  I like the idea that she could attribute bad actions to immaturity and not just moral failure. 

I said I hated the sanctimony and contempt talk.  In my mind that is completely different from saying I hate Ethel or Fred or some real person.

If I offended you or MT, I apologize to the both of you.  MT comes across as a strong capable woman who can take it in stride if I disagree with something she says though.

I'm not offended, but I do find it interesting that you go on about other people when your own posts sometimes have so much unwarranted negativity and meanness.

I'll quote your post so that you can refresh your memory:


"I think you are such a wonderful person, not some sanctimonious youknowwhat that has never done anything but be perfect.

I hate the sanctimonious youknowwhats that post here how perfect they are and have some kind of ****** because they loaned a friend some money and dollar wise they didnt come out even.

Their whole, "I was raised by dysfuntional parents yet I have only made good decisions the same as anyone could and those who havent made good decisions deserve nothing but contempt is stupid. imo"

[Miss Tequila]

Apr 8, 2013 10:13:47 GMT -5 @steve said:

I'm not sure how this turned around to be about my children.  I will always love my children...but if they borrow money and do not repay it, they will never get bailed out again.  My goal as a parent is to make my children independent, responsible adults.  By continuing to bail them out of their self-created messes, I am doing what the liberals do to the poor...I am making them dependent on me. That is not what a good parent does.  I will give my children all the guidance they need but I will never become their banker.

A friend is a different situation (at least to me).  I have unconditional love for my children.  I do not have that for anyone else. 

But I would feel like a huge failure as a parent if my daughter turned out to be a leech, either to society or friends/family.  She has been given opportunities that I could have only dreamed of when I was a child...for her to screw it up would say that I messed up bigtime as a parent.

I get all that and agree with it.  It is the sanctimony and contempt that you seemed to be embracing that I disagreed with.

If you steal from me, damn right I'm going to have some contempt...just like I would have contempt for the person breaking into my home to steal from me.

As I said, I have unconditional love for me children so I would still love them even if they failed at being responsible adults.  Anyone else that stole from me could kiss my ass.  Of course, having someone steal from me by not paying me back would never happen because I don't lend money...ever.

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

Apr 8, 2013 12:08:39 GMT -5 @steve said:

Apr 8, 2013 11:56:37 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

I'm not offended, but I do find it interesting that you go on about other people when your own posts sometimes have so much unwarranted negativity and meanness.

I'll quote your post so that you can refresh your memory:


"I think you are such a wonderful person, not some sanctimonious youknowwhat that has never done anything but be perfect.

I hate the sanctimonious youknowwhats that post here how perfect they are and have some kind of ****** because they loaned a friend some money and dollar wise they didnt come out even.

Their whole, "I was raised by dysfuntional parents yet I have only made good decisions the same as anyone could and those who havent made good decisions deserve nothing but contempt is stupid. imo"

have you ever been in their sights?
 
You are probably right and me wrong a bit.  I do hate when someone is talking about how great they are and how bad someone else is. There is one person here who constantly puts down people on welfare, yet has poor relationships with her children.  There are others who think that someone who doesnt repay a debt, maybe through bankruptcy, maybe not  are contemptible, yet are on there third or fourth marriage.  An oath, btw, that many of them took before God to uphold.  They broke their promise to God, but some guy who never should have been lent money broke their promise and he's the contemptible one.

I dont have any view of you or MT, other then I like to read MT's posts, so I wasnt make any kind of judgement of you.  There are people here though, who I am convinced want to make other people's day worse and who show contempt and meanness to those who want advice, just to pass the work day.

Don't worry, I'm not feeling judged at all.  But I am finding it very interesting how we can be so angered by things other people do or say, but not see those same things in ourselves. 

[Miss Tequila]

Apr 8, 2013 12:08:39 GMT -5 @steve said:

Apr 8, 2013 11:56:37 GMT -5 Rocky Mtn Saver said:

I'm not offended, but I do find it interesting that you go on about other people when your own posts sometimes have so much unwarranted negativity and meanness.

I'll quote your post so that you can refresh your memory:


"I think you are such a wonderful person, not some sanctimonious youknowwhat that has never done anything but be perfect.

I hate the sanctimonious youknowwhats that post here how perfect they are and have some kind of ****** because they loaned a friend some money and dollar wise they didnt come out even.

Their whole, "I was raised by dysfuntional parents yet I have only made good decisions the same as anyone could and those who havent made good decisions deserve nothing but contempt is stupid. imo"

have you ever been in their sights?
 
You are probably right and me wrong a bit.  I do hate when someone is talking about how great they are and how bad someone else is. There is one person here who constantly puts down people on welfare, yet has poor relationships with her children.  What gives her the right to be so judgemental? There are others who think that someone who doesnt repay a debt, maybe through bankruptcy, maybe not,  are contemptible, yet are on there third or fourth marriage.  An oath, btw, that many of them took before God to uphold.  They broke their promise to God, but some guy who never should have been lent money broke their promise and he's the contemptible one.

I dont have any view of you or MT, other then I like to read MT's posts, so I wasnt making any kind of judgement of you.  There are people here though, who I am convinced want to make other people's day worse and who show contempt and meanness to those who want advice, just to pass the work day.

Are you confusing me with someone else? I have a great relationship with my children and I'm still on my first marriage...

While I admit that I am a very strong, blunt person (if you dont' want to hear what I really think, skip my posts) I dont' usually go out of my way to be mean to someone. 

[Deleted]

Are you confusing me with someone else? I have a great relationship with my children and I'm still on my first marriage...

I'm pretty sure he didn't mean you.

[thyme4change]

While I admit that I am a very strong, blunt person (if you dont' want to hear what I really think, skip my posts) I dont' usually go out of my way to be mean to someone.  

I do.


[/span]

[kittensaver]

"Don't worry, I'm not feeling judged at all. But I am finding it very interesting how we can be so angered by things other people do or say, but not see those same things in ourselves."

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DING DING DING!!

*Post Of The Day * 

[Deleted]

Apr 7, 2013 20:25:48 GMT -5 Ava said:

Steve; I find it difficult to have that sort of conversation. You don't have to feel sympathy for me. That's fine. It's just not easy for me to confront a friend over this. I'll do it, but I dread it.

That reminds me of the kids that are too embarrassed to insist on using condoms for sex. Having sex is fine but talking about condoms is embarrassing. If you are old enough to lend money out you are old enough to collect it.

[formerroomate99]

Ava, part of being an adult is learning how to deal with uncomfortable situations. 

There are some advantages to being a doormat.  You'll have a lot more friends.  You won't have to have uncomfortable conversations.  But one of the drawbacks is that you're going to be used (and occasionally abused), and a lot of your 'friends' will be users.  So you can either decide to continue being a doormat and accept the consequences, or decide to become more assertive and accept the consequences.  But if you decide to continue being a doormat and then complain to others about the consequences of your actions, you're going to be getting some sharp criticism.     

[Rocky Mtn Saver]

I think, if it were me, I would assess how important the friendship is to you, and whether his actions and attitude has changed it on your end.  That would inform how I decided to handle the lesser aspect, the actual money.  For me, when a friend didn't repay me back some $ (not $1000), I wrote it off mentally because the friendship was more important to me.  And it was a one-time thing, so I feel I made the right choice at the time.  But if I had felt that she'd been intentionally blowing me off, that would have changed my relationship with her quite a bit. 

[Deleted]

Apr 8, 2013 13:16:52 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

Ava, part of being an adult is learning how to deal with uncomfortable situations. 

There are some advantages to being a doormat.  You'll have a lot more friends.  You won't have to have uncomfortable conversations.  But one of the drawbacks is that you're going to be used (and occasionally abused), and a lot of your 'friends' will be users.  So you can either decide to continue being a doormat and accept the consequences, or decide to become more assertive and accept the consequences. 

Well said. I've been a people-pleasing doormat most of my life and, at 60, I'm getting more willing to call people on bad behavior. If they don't like it, it's not my problem. Two weeks ago I fired someone for the first time in my life (with good support from the boss and HR). It was easier than I thought, morale has picked up dramatically among the rest of the unit, and the crap that's been turning up since he left (promises not kept, lies, poor work) are only proof we did the right thing.

If you accept crap from people your reward will be- more crap.