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Post by debtheaven on Feb 7, 2011 18:35:09 GMT -5
We generally spend the same amount on BD and Xmas / Hanukah gifts. As they get older, that generally means one or two more expensive gifts for the older kids, rather than three or four or five less expensive ones for the younger ones.
But, we always tell our kids, "Fair is getting what you need, when you need it." Our kids are older than yours, 12-24.
ETA We don't aim for "equal", we aim for "fair" LOL.
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Post by cytoglycerine on Feb 7, 2011 18:44:36 GMT -5
I have one younger sister (no brothers) and our mom is VERY much of the mentality that she needs to give to us in equal dollar amounts or values. A few years back, our washing machine broke down, and according to the repair man we brought in to fix it, it was too old to be repaired (he couldn't even find USED parts for it!! lol). At the time, Hubby and I were saving for our wedding, and my mom didn't want the washing machine issue to interfere with our savings, so she bought us a new one as a gift...Then she felt super guilty about spending $700 on me and my hubby, and nothing on my sister, so she ran out and bought the Wii and a whole bunch of accessories for her so things would be "even". My sister did want a Wii, and was very happy with it, but we both feel kind of weird when we get something just because the other got something first, and things needed to be "even". ETA - I plan to avoid this issue with my own children by only having one
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Post by debtheaven on Feb 7, 2011 18:48:48 GMT -5
When I was much younger and first married (to my ex) every once in a while, I'd get a check from my parents.
It was only much later that I realized that they had helped / purchased something for my (very beloved) sister and they felt the need to gift me what they had spent on her.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 7, 2011 18:53:35 GMT -5
I try but am not always successful.
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naturallyfrugal
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Post by naturallyfrugal on Feb 7, 2011 19:09:05 GMT -5
My brother and I were raised "equally" by our parents. The same $ amount was spent on each of us for birthdays and holidays - not necessarily the same # of gifts, but the same $ value. While in high school, I went to Europe for 10 days (school trip) and my brother received a new motorcycle. Even now, my parents still follow the "fair and equal" policy. If they send me "a little extra" (their phrase), then my brother gets the same.
I only have one child now but if we have another, we'll do the same thing.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 7, 2011 19:18:39 GMT -5
My ex-MIL was equal to the point of silliness. She would write a check to cover the difference.
But I'm not sure equal always is the same thing as fairness. My son tried this on me when he was in college. He got a full ride; his older sister didn't. I wasn't willing to write him a check for what we didn't spend.
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april47
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Post by april47 on Feb 7, 2011 19:22:19 GMT -5
This is a tough one when you are talking about grown children. I am feeling a little guilty because I help my one daughter more than the other 2 kids. She is a single mom of a small child and has so many student loans and other bills she is always out of money. I am helping her with day care costs but I really can't afford to do that let alone give my other 2 kids the same to make it "even". It's really not fair since she has made so many bad choices but I feel like I have to help because of the small grandchild.
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nalto
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Post by nalto on Feb 7, 2011 19:24:04 GMT -5
My dad told us "life's not fair" day in and day out. He also made sure we knew he loved us all the same. My kids will know this too.
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Post by dragonfly7 on Feb 8, 2011 3:34:21 GMT -5
I understand trying to spend equal dollar amounts on birthday or holiday gifts, especially for young children, and for college savings.
Debtheaven, I think "fair is getting what you need, when you need it" is a great general idea. You mentioned giving a child his inheritance early in another thread. From the perspective of an adult child who has had repeated bouts of unemployment, I appreciate that my parents seemed to be giving me some of it over the past four years. My sister? Very little, but she is lucky enough to not need it right now.
(It doesn't hurt that most our of current potential inheritance is in the form of agricultural land that my parents clearly understand DH and I have no interest in farming. Darling sister's last two serious boyfriends, on the other hand, have different career intentions.)
Meanwhile, even though DH's parents don't have money to share, they do have extra space and are currently housing both his siblings and their families while they save up to move back out. As FIL and MIL's medical problems increase, though, it appears it may be a better idea for one of those families to permanently stay.
It all works out.
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happyscooter
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Post by happyscooter on Feb 8, 2011 7:22:16 GMT -5
Yes, we do. My parents did, my In-Laws didn't. And I can tell you now that DH and his brother are grown and have children, it has affected their relationship. DH was never allowed to use the vacation home, borrow money/car/ etc..., they didn't babysit unless it was an emergency for us, I could go on. So my DH was a little hurt when his brother used the vacation home and his friends used it and his son's college roommates used it. But we were told 'no.' So yes we are very fair and equal.
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michelyn8
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Post by michelyn8 on Feb 8, 2011 7:56:04 GMT -5
What I do for one child, I have always been willing to do for the other. Mostly I left the choice up to them. When it comes to gifts, if I give one child 4 gifts at Christmas, the other gets 4 gifts. The total $$ value may not be equal, but the quantity is. In the back of my mind, I know the total $$ value and do try to keep it fair, but never spot on. Its more a matter of what I have available to spend. Now that they are older, I tend to help one more than the other but that is because the younger one rarely asks for help with things that involve money. The older gets help with things like car repairs, but those are loans, not gifts. Once in a while I'll tell her she doesn't have to pay me back, but that's getting more and more rare since I covered her car insurance for 6 months last year so she could pay down her credit card and she didn't. Mama won't be doing that kind of favor again. From the outside, it looks like my Mom does more for me than my siblings but what they don't see if that any money Mom gave me in the past was a loan, not a gift and I paid every cent back What they conveniently forget is the help my parents gave them with down payments for first cars, down payment for purchasing homes, etc. when they were younger...........but I do. Shoot, they actually built a house for one of my sisters. The help/gifts I've received were no where near those levels in value.
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resolution
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Post by resolution on Feb 8, 2011 8:30:54 GMT -5
When we were growing up my parents gave us each what we needed, rather than pricing it out equally. There were definitely some differences due to age and different activities. I was in the band and did a lot of nature/horseback riding camps while she was in ballet. Also my older sister wrecked two cars that they bought her, so by the time that I hit 16 I wasn't allowed to drive.
Once we graduated and moved out they switched to equal amounts. They kind of use it to justify large gifts. For example they told me they paid off my sister's credit card so they wanted to pay for me to have a large slab poured to extend the patio in my yard. Then they go back to my sister and say the patio cost more than they expected so they want to buy bicycles for her kids to keep things even. Now that I am married they don't want to step on DH toes by offering to help with house projects, so now they want to take us on a vacation because they just spent a bunch of money on my sister's kids.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 8, 2011 8:52:17 GMT -5
I figure I owe my DS about 20k if I wanted to keep things equal. I am assuming at some point he will want to buy a house/condo and that is when I will make it up but, yes, I do want to keep things equal. DS never says anything but I do not want him to ever feel "cheated" as that would cause problems between them. My Mom treated her stepson WAY better than she ever treated me because she was trying to curry favor with her husband. There is resentment between her stepson and me because of the obvious favoritism and she realizes the errors now especially because the favored one hates her guts and makes no bones about it and I'm not too thrilled with her, either. She IS trying but the damage is done and she knows it. I think parents try very hard to be fair because some of them have been either the favored or the non-favored one and realizes the damage it causes.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Feb 8, 2011 9:33:42 GMT -5
I spent a decent amount of time in therapy because of this issue. 4 kids and my parents had a difficult time treating us all fairly. But I realize that they treated us all the way we needed to be treated. I craved my Independence and was given that. My brother needs my parents to hold his hand. My sister needs constant validation. My parents don't give my brother money on a regular basis because they love him more- they give him money because he is an idiot and can't survive without the handouts. They praise my sister constantly because she has a lazy ass husband and needs someone to give her positive feedback from time to time.
I'd rather have my dad's respect than the $600 check from heaven my 39 year old brother gets every month.
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Feb 8, 2011 10:12:41 GMT -5
This is a hard one for me. A number of years ago, my older son asked to "borrow" money on a pretty regular basis. Never a huge sum; $300 or so every few months when he couldn't make his rent. Then I discovered that he was rotating his requests between me, my sister and my mother. None of us knew until my sister talked to me. At that point I told him that he needed to find a cheaper place or earn more money. He quit asking.
My younger son has never asked for anything and refused my offers. Until he divorced two years ago. DH and I helped with the legal fees ($10K). He didn't ask, but I offered and he accepted. He's the father of my grandchildren - so I help with their expenses (clothing, furniture, school expenses). Recently he has accepted my offer to cosign on a refinance on his house (to pay the ex her share).
So, I have not treated them equally. And it does bother me to a certain extent. But, the older son squandered a modest inheritance when his dad died. They don't talk much and I'm pretty sure one does not know about the other's finances. I AM treating them equally in my will, but while I'm alive, I'm just going to use my best judgment.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Feb 8, 2011 10:20:47 GMT -5
When they are young and at home and being supported by me, I will, for the most part, assume their living expenses, activities and such will come out equal. Sure, maybe one kid needs a uniform, but the other one goes through shoes faster - so, give or take - pretty equal.
Once they leave the house, I will have trouble with the "fair" response that they get what they need. That too easily becomes a slippery slope. If one is always out of work and having money problems - they might "need" me to pay their utilities and rent, but that isn't fair or equal.
My parents were equal to their adult children - at least as far as I can tell. There is a pretty large age gap between my sisters and I, so when we were younger I got more, only because my parents had more. They were broke when my sisters were little. By the time my sisters grew up, got married and moved out, my Dad had quite a bit of success and shared it by buying a nice house, cars, etc. I just happened to be close enough to smell the roses! My sisters used to hold it against me.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 8, 2011 10:28:32 GMT -5
That's about all you can do sometimes.
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flopsy
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Post by flopsy on Feb 8, 2011 10:32:45 GMT -5
nothing is "fair". being from a family of seven kids i realize that personality differences, age gaps, and different interests can keep anything from ever being "fair". as an adult i'd feel uncomfortable accepting gifts of any consequence from my parents. i'm sure there is a better use for their money and if i want something badly enough i'll save up for it.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 8, 2011 10:38:30 GMT -5
And, I am sure this will sound sexist, so watch for flames. But, in reality, I do believe and expect that I would be more inclined to help my daughter as an adult than I will be my sons. That may right or wrong, I don't know.
That does indeed sound sexist. May I ask why you think this? I hope it's not because you raised your daughter with the idea that she didn't have to be self-sufficient like her brothers because she would always be able to count on a man to take care of her needs.
I'm sensitive to this because my own dad was a lot harder on me than most of my friends' dads were on them. He always wanted me to be a "strong, independent woman" and never gave me any breaks along the way. He always let me work out my own problems. Our relationship suffered for awhile, but it's better now and I am very grateful to him now for making that particular choice. It was a good one, and I'll certainly do my best to follow in his footsteps with my own daughters.
So it really pisses me off when I encounter the idea that women are helpless and / or dependent on men. Either from women themselves or from the men who believe it, and especially from parents who encourage it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 8, 2011 10:43:15 GMT -5
I'm LESS inclined to help my DD over my DS because she makes poor choices. He's immature but that will, hopefully, end sometime but her poor choices, she never learns from them. I have a few more months of college for her and then she is on her own with a whole lot more than her brother got but it won't be enough and she won't be grateful anyway, just angry that the money is no longer forthcoming. My beef with parents are those that REWARD a child who makes poor choices and PUNISHES one that does not. Stop using the "grandchildren excuse." It doesn't cut it with anyone but you.
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Post by ca on Feb 8, 2011 10:57:48 GMT -5
My parents are like communist. They give according to needs. Therefore I get nothing and my unemployable brother in law with is 4 illegitemate spawn get more bailouts than the banks and auto makers combined.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 8, 2011 10:59:01 GMT -5
Point made.
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flopsy
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Post by flopsy on Feb 8, 2011 11:01:09 GMT -5
"this is our daughter dottie. and this is our other daughter, dottie's sister."
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Gardening Grandma
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Post by Gardening Grandma on Feb 8, 2011 11:09:02 GMT -5
It's funny. The thread started as 'Treating your KIDS equally" and turns into "my good for nothing sib got more than I did"...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 8, 2011 11:24:43 GMT -5
I'm sure you have read more than one post enough to realize that not all posters feel the same way and rewarding the "bad" child hurts those that try to do right and feel like they are penalized for it.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 8, 2011 11:27:01 GMT -5
If YOU don't feel that way, that's fine. Others do feel the hurt of one child being favored over them and it can (and does) cause issues.
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flopsy
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Post by flopsy on Feb 8, 2011 11:35:45 GMT -5
if my good-for-nothing sib had a better attitude then i would like him more : )
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Feb 8, 2011 11:39:49 GMT -5
I don't think it's any different that people who choose to work and pay their bills seeing those who choose to do otherwise "get away with it." It makes you feel like doing the right thing makes you an idiot.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Feb 8, 2011 11:50:43 GMT -5
Snerdley: I agree- for years it bothered me that my parents seemed to favor my siblings over me. But in the end all they did was make my siblings more needy and unable to stand on their own. My older brother's checks from heaven have him as a full time college student at 39 (he has gone continuous since 18 and is a PhD candidate now). My younger brother spends every minute he has his kids (50% custody) at my parents house. As a result he can't discipline or take care of his kids without mommy and daddy's help. My sister is so dependent on my parents daily help with her two kids that she has turned down two big promotions that would have necessitated a cross country move.
I am glad my folks left me to be my own person. Made me jealous over the years but I have a life I am proud of now. I don't need the handouts and free child care that the others need. If I needed extra checks from my dad at nearly 40 I would feel like a loser. If I couldn't take my kid to the zoo without my mommy driving me up there and paying for my tickets I would feel like a bad parent. If I had to give up job opportunities because my husband was too lazy to help with the kids and I needed my parents to pick up the slack I would feel disappointed in myself.
So yeah- they can keep spoiling the other kids- all they are doing is setting them up for a lifetime of dependency.
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Firebird
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Post by Firebird on Feb 8, 2011 11:59:46 GMT -5
Snerdley - did you see my question about why you expect to support your daughter more than your sons? I am not trying to be snarky, but I am genuinely curious about the answer.
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