Treating Your Kids Equally

[zibazinski]

Paybacks are a bitch, aren't they? The favored stepson hates Mom's guts and just uses his dad for free babysitting. Brought the kids over to Mom's house sick with croup and Mom has lowered immune system and a tendency toward pneumonia so was probably hoping she'd get it again and croak this time. My kids want ZERO to do with her because of the way she treated me. Parents like that reap what they sow.

[thyme4change]

People react to their kids differently. Different personalities, different pregnancies, different circumstances.

I absolutely agree that everyone relates to their different kids in different ways. I'm just shocked that she said she favors one child because she was able to take an extra month of maternity leave. I don't know how old her kids are - I'm hoping they are very young. If my Mom said to my 40-year old me, "I always felt closer to your sister because I was morning sick with you" or "I always related better to your sister, because you had colic until you were 6 months old." I believe my answer would be WTF?

[michelyn8]

My Mom helped us out when my daughter was born. We didn't actually need her to for money reasons, but she gave up a lot of time. I remember thanking her profusely one day and she answered "This might be unusual now - but this is nothing compared to what my Mom and Grandma did when your sisters were born." I guess the difference is that she gave up time, not paid my bills. And I bet that her Mom gave up time, not paid bills.

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This brings to mind a question for those of you who are helping out children for the grandchild, poor decision maker, etc.

Does your help come with strings or just the general expectation that its a hand up? Do you do something for your child and then expect to have a lot of say so in their day to day decisions (beyond financial)?

I'm just curious because there are those parents who do just that. Some give help because their child may need a little bit of a boost now and then but keep do so without interferring in the day to day. But there are others that give help as a means of keeping control over their children's lives.

[zibazinski]

She didn't tell her kids any of this. She told us, an anonymous board. I love both my kids but dislike my DD's personality because it is getting more like her father's every day. It isn't fair to her that I feel this way and only DF knows this and won't ever tell her. DS is more like me so I like him better. But DS isn't perfect, either. People can't help how they feel only how they react to those feelings. I would never hurt DD over something she can't help.

[tea4me]

So if someone buys one daughter a house to live in, should he buy his other children a house to live in also?

[zibazinski]

Uh, yeah.

[thyme4change]

Yes, unless there are some really good reasons why one daughter gets a free house, and everyone else is on their own.

I don't need any money from my parents now. I honestly hope they spend it all and anything left over is given to their favorite charity (their church.) But, I'd be pretty p-o'd if I found out that they bought either one of my sisters a house and all I got was a couch. I mean - my sisters have crazy nice houses, and I'm living in a slump-block shoe box. I don't care that my sisters have nicer houses than me - but I would if my parents paid for them!

[thyme4change]

I love both my kids but dislike my DD's personality because it is getting more like her father's every day

Again, I am not questioning just plain liking one of your kids more than the other based on personality.

I'm questioning why such a short time period at the very beginning of their lives, when really they are a lump and don't talk or really do much would be THE reason you like one child more than another.

[tea4me]

My (older) sister told me Mom was her mother before she was my mother, that is why she is the favorite.
Note: Mom did NOT buy her a house (that I know of).

[michelyn8]

Thyme, I never said outright I prefer DD1 simply because I had more time with. I said "I think" my being able to have more time with her may have contributed to that preference. I would NEVER tell my any of my children I prefer one over the other. I know first-hand how much an insensitive comment from a parent can hurt and I don't ever want my children to know that feeling.

[whoisjohngalt]

I've been thinking about this very topic. My boys are 20 months apart. When we send out birth announcement for my oldest we got TONS of stuff, presents, money, etc. For the second one we got a fraction of what the first one got.

All the toys that my 10 mo old plays with are technically not his, but his brother's. Obviously, now, there is no need or desire on our part to buy things for them equally, but I wonder what will happen 3-4 yrs from now.

I am expecting our third and was also thinking that if it's a girl, my 2nd DS might not get as much as his brother, who is the oldest and first-born or his sister, who would be the only girl.

I am probably over-thinking all this, but for now, I have no idea how I will handle things. I am the only child, so don't know what it's like to have sibs. My DH has a sister, but there is way too much drama there to look at that relationship as any kind of guide.

Lena

[zibazinski]

I'm not the poster so I can't speak for her but when I was pregnant with DS it was an AWFUL period in my life and I had a HORRIBLE pregnancy and delivery. Bonding with him was VERY hard and I always felt guilty about it but did my best. I HOPE he knows how much I love him as I have tried very hard to be a good mom to him but the guilt is always there lurking. DD was at a better time in my life even though the pregnancy and delivery were also awful so it was easier to bond with her. Until DD started exhibiting traits that are hard for me to deal with, she probably was my favorite just because I was more relaxed/more ready for her and to be a mom. It might also be easier with mothers and daughters just because we like doing some of the same things that I don't do with DS. I'm glad DD and I share some things that make us friends.

[zibazinski]

Lena, most gift givers know to make sure the older siblings get gifts as well as the new baby but if it's a girl, expect the girl to be inundated. I had the only girl in 7 generations (husbands side) so she was the STAR of the family for sure.

[thyme4change]

I chose not to have a shower or anything for my second baby, even though he was a boy and I had a girl. He didn't ever notice. Now that he is old enough to understand "stuff" we can get "stuff" for them equally.

However, we are friends with a family that had deep roots in another culture. They value first born sons over everyone else, and their kids are treated differently by grandparents and such. So, I know it does happen. I don't have much advice there. You just do your best to make sure you love them all equally and tend to them the best you can. Hopefully that will compensate for any outside-a-holes.

[Firebird]

Feb 8, 2011 15:21:54 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

people who have no problem using grandchild guilt to mooch off Mom aren't the kind of people who feel any shame whatsoever in using welfare as a fallback option.

You never know who or what will cause the big "turn-around" moment in someone's life. I know lots of people that took money monthly from their parents so they could keep up a lifestyle. They aren't welfare queens, and could easily make adjustments if need be. Getting money from parents - especially if the parent offers instead of say "yes" when asked - might be infinately easier and more palatable than actually applying for food stamps.

My parents gave me money to buy furniture when I moved into my house, but I didn't go through the city government program that would have given us a grant to upgrade certain things in our house. Taking money from Mom & Dad is different.

Yes, good point. I should have qualified my statements - I was referring to people who mooch, which to me means taking money from a loved one repeatedly for years on end, expecting it to keep coming with no sense of owing the person something for the help, even if it's being offered.

Allowing your parents to help you now and then in a one-off situation is entirely different from what I'm talking about-- and frankly, if one has pride enough to realize such a gift for what it is, there's almost zero chance that s/he would fall back on government programs.

And yes, of course saying no to your kids can jar them enough to cause a change sometimes. It's just that in my experience, that's not the usual response. The usual response is to whine and cry about how unfair the parent is being, and then to explore welfare options to fill the gap while completely missing the point the parent was trying to make. The longer mooching goes on, the more difficult it is to make a lesson of the situation.

[whoisjohngalt]

Please don't misunderstand - I wasn't upset that we didn't get the stuff, I was just wondering if this is how it's going to be -people assuming that youngest doesn't need/want anything bc he can get it from his brother. It made me a little sad for him. I don't know how to explain it.

And if our third one is a girl, I think it will bring a whole other dynamic into it.

The only good thing is that they all will be super close in age, so hopefully, they will all be friends

Lena

[zibazinski]

I don't care if any of my kids have kids, that's up to them, but I also don't care if one of them has 5 boys, the 6th boy is getting a gift!!!

[whoisjohngalt]

My IL's bought our first one a crib. The second one got a card.

Lena

[zibazinski]

A card? Seriously? A card? I can see not buying another crib but a card? People are so strange sometimes.

[Savoir Faire-Demogague in NJ]

A card? Seriously? A card? I can see not buying another crib but a card? People are so strange sometimes.

Was there a check in the envelop?? Back 30 years ago when each of my boys were born, my folks gave us money to buy what we needed.

[thyme4change]

My parents were equally generous with our second kid as with our first - but the friends and other family were either more lax, or I caused them to be more lax. With the first kid I was freaking out! With the second kid, people asked "What do you need and where are you registered?" And I answered "I only need diapers. I didn't register."

I have a friend who had a boy the same month as I had my girl. And she had a girl 4 weeks before I had my boy - so we switched all baby wardrobes. It was perfect!

[soon2bmomof3]

My parents and IL's have been just as generous with each of my kids, but I was was adament about not having a shower for the second kid, even though the second is a girl and first was a boy (and for the third one too), but both DH and my workplaces still had lunches with small gifts/gift cards anyway.

I have a friend who had a boy the same month as I had my girl. And she had a girl 4 weeks before I had my boy - so we switched all baby wardrobes. It was perfect!

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We had DS first and 6 months later, SIL had their boy, so whenever MIL went to visit, we always packed all of DS's outgrown stuff for our nephew. Then SIL got pregnant with our niece and three months after her, I had DD, so this time around she had a bunch of clothes for us. DS is a summer baby and our nephew is a early spring baby, so not all of the clothes always worked out, but both DD and niece are cold weather, so theirs did.

If #3 is a boy, I still have a lot of DS's clothes for him, both are/will be late summer babies. If it's a girl, we might have to get some smaller summer clothes, or just let her just dress more boyish until she fits into DD's stuff

[debtheaven]

Lena my DS1 and DS2 are also 20 months apart (they are young adults now), and that is just wrong. I can understand that you felt slighted on his behalf, even if he didn't know the difference. Congrats on the third by the way!

[whoisjohngalt]

Nope, no check. Just a card. So far he has not gotten a single thing from my IL's. My first, however, has gotten TONS of toys.

Like I said, it's not the lack of "things" that bother me, it's just this attitude of "oh, he must have everything, so why bother" or something like that

My oldest keeps saying "my truck" "my computer" "my xxx" and he is right. So, if youngest wants to play with any of the toys, I have to "suggest" to my oldest that it would be nice to share. I don't know, something about it just bugs me.

Lena

[Plain Old Petunia]

Traditionally, showers have been for first babies ONLY. The idea was to help the new parents with obtaining baby stuff, which would be reused for subsequent babies. Today, we don't go by that so much, but there are still plenty of people who view it that way.

[thyme4change]

I also don't think it helped that when I had my first baby I was part of this big group of mothers that was so happy I was stepping into mommy-hood, and everyone rallied around to help. By the time my 2nd kid was born I was too busy to hang out with them, and they were sort of driving me crazy anyway. I was mostly hanging out with childfree co-workers. They tried to care, but looked to me for leadership on what they needed to do to help. They bought me 5 cases of diapers. I thought it was awesome!

[steff]

My mom has always had the "equal" thing going on. My brothers & I are now adults, but it still carries over. At Christmas, each of my brothers got 1 "big" gift they wanted. I didn't ask for something along those same $$ lines, so I got a ton of small gifts that added up to the same amount she spent on them.

My youngest brother bought a house last year & she spent money on paint, drapes, etc. She then turned around and took me shopping for "house stuff" that I wanted and wrote a check to my other brother (he wanted the cash...lol). She did the same for them when we bought our house and she spent money helping us put in all new appliances.

lucky for everyone ($$ wise) my kiddo is an only child and the only grandchild.

[sbcalimom]

I think a lot of the unfairness from my dad and step-mom stem from the fact that I'm not her child but that's a whole other issue. Regardless, the multitude of blatantly unfair actions on their part towards me used to make me so angry and upset. Now, I just think it is sad that they have virtually destroyed our relationship by their behavior. For as long as I can remember, I've been the "other" child and I'm not the only one who noticed. To make matters worse, my dad also led his family to believe he was doing a lot more for me than he really was and had the nerve to take credit for a lot that I've accomplished. I decided a few years ago that it really had more to do with them than with me and I couldn't let that upset me anymore. But, I also decided I wasn't going to go out of my way anymore to have a relationship with them. I am always cordial and always respectful but I make very little effort to improve our relationship. The last straw was my wedding - my dad helped out with maybe $800 worth of expenses and gave me $100. I was totally fine with that but when I found out inadvertently that they gave my older brother $5K after he got married, I decided I had simply had enough. I was tired of letting them get to me and I wasn't going to let their actions matter anymore. Since then, I've had a much easier time dealing with them and I'm also a lot happier. It is sad though that we won't have a close relationship and that they probably won't be that involved in my children's lives, but they've made those choices my entire life and now have to deal with the consequences.