Tantrums - what do you know about them?

[Deleted]

Hi All, I fugured this is the best spot for a parenting discussion. As some people know I have 2 foster daughters. The oldest one (Girl Wonder, GW) is 16 and has been with me a year and a half. The youngest (Little Girl Wonder, LGW) is 9 and just joined me in early December. Both girls will be with me until they go off on their own.

Anyway, LGW is a tantrum thrower. If she doesn't get her way about something the crying and throwing herself on the ground or bed starts up. She will stop every once in a while to ask again for what she wants and when I say no go right back into it. She isn't violent or destructive so I don't find it terrible just tiring to deal with.

What is your experience with this and please tell me it stops pretty quick when you don't give into it.

[Deleted]

I wish you luck! DD is 7 and she still has meltdowns. I have been having her come up with ways she can learn to control her temper and I will remind her of solutions when she starts getting worked up.

I remember saying that I wanted them to stop in that thread from a week or so ago, so I am actively working on making that happen sooner rather than later.

[Green Eyed Lady]

I saw my brother throw one once - in a store. I thought it was hilarious until I saw the look on my mother's face. I was sure he was going to die.

Sorry. No kids. No ideas.

[The Captain]

If you give in, then the child will learn they are effective and repeat the same behavior.

With DD we ignored if we were in private. If she tried to pull one in public we went for a "walk" outside (walk = outside and several stern swats on the rear end, which I call attention getters). We only had to take her for a "walk" twice and she never tried it again.

Your's is a bit older (DD was 3-4 when she tried this) so a bit different. In any event it sounds like you are doing right (now rewarding the negative behaviour). Eventually she'll get it.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I have a two year old so tantrums are pretty much a common occurrence. My kid goes for way longer than the "books" say she should be able to.

Pretty much all you can do is do exactly what you are doing, stand firm and don't give into it. When you give in that tells them that if they continue with the behavior for however long it was that eventually you will cave.

We just walk over Gwen and ignore her. If she gets really bad we remove her from the area and put her in her crib, mainly so she has a safe place to scream it out. I wouldn't worry about having to do that with a seven year old though, I'd just walk over her and ignore it.

Eventually she'll get the message that she won't get her way. How long it will take for that message to sink in depends entirely on the kid and her personality.

[Deleted]

The 7 year old is mine, DQ. Later's is 9.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Have you told her that tantrums aren't acceptable in your house? She's been with you, what 6 weeks or so? She's still learning the new "house rules"

And at 9, she's old enough to be told that tantrums aren't ok and if she's going to have them, she needs to go to her room (or wherever) until she's calm again. And that no one likes tantrums and to remember logic will get her a better shot at getting whatever it is she's trying to get in the long run.

ETA - my are both under 5, so for all I know this won't work. 

[kgb18]

When my DD, who is 3, has tantrums, I send her to her timeout spot on the steps or to her room. I tell her she can get up when she's done, and then I ignore her. Once she has calmed down, I explain to her why she can't have, isn't allowed to, etc. Sometimes she starts up again. In that case, rinse and repeat.

I've found trying to reason with or yell at a child in a meltdown is completely ineffective and often makes it even worse. Provided she's not harming herself or anyone else, ignoring her until she's calmed down seems to work best.

Whatever the cause of the tantrum, don't give in!

I don't know what LGW's background is, so she may have been allowed to get away with that in previous situations. She'll learn the new rules. Be consistent and hang tough.

[Deleted]

I've told her they won't get her what she wants and I just get angrier and start thinking of ways to punish her, which neither of us want. I've got a few variables going on here. I don't know how her tantrums were handled by her parents or previous foster parents. I'm pretty sure her parents let her do whatever she wanted. I know the foster parents didn't like it but not sure what they did. There is always the chance that there is some kind of emotional issue. I go back and forth on this one. In the middle of her hysterics it seems very possible. When she suddenly stops and behaves rationally I think I am dealing with a very smart kid.

[Wisconsin Beth]

I'm going with very smart kid.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

If this worked with her last families she's going to figure it'll work with you. She's testing her boundaries with you to see how much she can get away with and what the line is. You're establishing the line.

Eventually she'll get the message to not even start.

That's what Gwen is starting to learn. It doesn't matter if you give an Oscar worthy tantrum we're not giving in. She'll still try because she's learning what her places is with us and what her boundaries are, but as long as we keep providing the same consistent message, eventually she'll learn don't even start.

[thyme4change]

My kids had them when they were young, but not at this age. I can tell you some things I found effective, and maybe it will help.

First, I had a strict "No tantrums in the living room" rule - if they wanted to throw a fit, they could go into their bedroom. That way I could still watch TV. I actually pulled this on one of my daughter's friends - she didn't get her way, and she started throwing a fit (she was maybe 7?) and I told her that if she wanted to cry she was welcome to do so, but she had to do it in my daughter's room. She looked at me like I smacked her with wet noodle.

Second, I am big with diversion. This was fine when they were younger, so you might only use this during the transition. I would say "Hey, you are crying, but the rest of us have decided to play Yatzhee. When you are done crying, come join us." That was fine when there were no chores, or homework or anything - but you might be able to find something that isn't what she says she wants, but she would likely want. You can be ultra mean and say "I'm not listening to this baloney - me and GW are going for ice cream. I hope you are done when we get back." And that is a serious power play. Once she knows that she is missing out when she is throwing a tantrum, it may become less effective.

After it is all over, and things are quiet and a day or two has passed you need to do the "So...let's talk about yesterday. Tantrums aren't going to work here, so we have to figure out a different way to deal with this." And work on solutions to reign in her emotions.

- Breathing exercises and meditation are things you could do for a few minutes each day, and then when she starts crying, you can say "Now would be a good time to remember your breathing."
- Another trick is to either have her visualize a place where she could be happy (a day at the beach, or something) and when she is NOT throwing a tantrum, have her describe the place to you, in great detail. The water, are the waves big or small, the sun, is it high in the sky, or low on the horizon, is there a pier, are there other people, are you playing frisbee. Walk her through the same scene over and over, and let her imagination run wild. When she starts to get upset, she could sit down and start thinking about all those details, and it will distract her from whatever she is upset about.
- You could also find one of those pictures that has a lot of details in it (like Where's Waldo) and use that to have her pick out as many details as possible.
- Encourage her to listen to peaceful music to calm herself down. My daughter has the best of James Taylor. Really hard to be angry listening to that - depressed, maybe, but rage is not his deal.
- You could use her softest stuffed animal so she could pet it, which she may find soothing.

These are all techniques she has to implement to calm herself down, you are just offering tools to her. But, learning to control your emotions is very important, and things are going to get pretty sticky as she enters pueberty, so her having as many ideas as possible is a good idea. Just work with her every day, so it doesn't feel so odd when she is trying to apply the techniques when she is angry.

[thyme4change]

Oh, and we often bring up crying as an ineffective means to getting what you want. Every so often, we will randomly say "Does crying work in this house?" and the kids answer "No." Like, we will say it to the cats, or after I was pretending to cry or something. We reinforce the message not just during the tantrum, but when the sun is shining and we all love each other.

[Deleted]

I've been doing it for 7 years and I am still waiting. Each of my kids has a completely different personality, since her brother figured it out years ago. *sigh*....

[Deleted]

Okay, so either tantrums aren't that big a deal or you all have emotionally disturbed children too

[Deleted]

I wouldn't rule out her being emotionally disturbed. *shrug*

OOPS! Forgot the 

[Deleted]

Once you figure out how to stop them let me know. My wife still throws them every so often.

[kgb18]

Deleted

[Deleted]

Thanks for the smackdown kgb....

[kgb18]

Uh oh. Did I miss something? I didn't mean to say anything to offend anyone. I'm sorry.

ETA: I'm sorry beer. I missed your post. I was just trying to make later feel better. Open mouth, insert foot ...

[Deleted]

kgb she deserved it for threatening me with 7 years of tantrums!!

[Deleted]

LOL!
Hey, I'd have no problem blaming my parenting if I didn't have another kid who doesn't have these issues.

[thyme4change]

I assure you later - every child throws an occassional tantrum, and some kids are more prone to doing so. Kids that have been rewarded for the tantrum by getting what they want will continue to throw tantrums, so you are saddled with whatever rules she came with. You just have to be firm, and if you said no the first time, keep saying no. Even if you rethought it and it isn't the worst idea - you are stuck with your "no" now. (I hate it when that happens.)

Just be consistent, consistent, consistent. And talk to her about it as much as you can. I suspect that whatever brought her to you means she has more than usual on her emotional plate, so helping her finding coping techniques for her normal and above average emotions will be a great service you can do for her. (And for you.)

Good luck.

[alabamagal]

I had a tantrun thrower. When he was in K5, his teacher with 20 years experience said she had never seen a child throw such a "big" tantrum.

The best thing is to continue to reinforce that tantrums will not get you what you want. It will work....eventually.

My tantrum thrower was actually the calmest, non-violent, quietst teenager you can imagine. So there is hope! He is also quite smart with many academic awards and currently doing fantastic in college.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Anyone else have one that will stop, follow you and the moment they notice you looking in their direction will fall back on the floor and start screaming?

Gwen does that, it's actually kinda funny. DH told me I was being mean when I kept wandering from room to room to see if she would follow me. I pointed out I was at least making sure she got her exercise.

[andi9899]

Just walk away from her. Either that, or do like my mom did. She would start screaming and jumping up and down too. When we looked at her like she had 2 heads, she'd say "Looks pretty stupid, doesn't it?" It stopped the tantrum. I am a spanking parent, so other than that, I got nothing.

[Deleted]

Spanking any form at all is not an option. Period.

Thanks guys, you are giving me hope.

[thyme4change]

Jan 15, 2013 12:30:34 GMT -5 @missmargarita said:

I haven't read through all of the responses but both of my boys have been known to throw tantrums. The best approach for me which actually diffuses the tantrum most of the times is I encourage them to yell louder, cry harder... I tell them they're not dramatic enough. Sometimes for my 9 yo I will set a timer for him.. I tell him "Okay... you have 2 minutes for your drama...ready... go" and I set the timer and just sit there and watch him. He realizes how ridiculous it is and stops. Don't give in to the tantrum... once you do, you're screwed.

LOL!

[thyme4change]

Jan 15, 2013 12:33:01 GMT -5 andi9899 said:

Just walk away from her. Either that, or do like my mom did. She would start screaming and jumping up and down too. When we looked at her like she had 2 heads, she'd say "Looks pretty stupid, doesn't it?" It stopped the tantrum. I am a spanking parent, so other than that, I got nothing.

Also LOL.

Later, you are getting some great ideas here.

[Deleted]

Just an FYI -- DD's "tantrums" aren't her flailing herself around on the floor. She goes from uncooperative, to belligerent and, if not checked, it will turn into full-blown rage against me or DH.

So far what HASN'T work is spanking, 123 Magic, John Rosemond's "Garden of Eden" punishment (remove everything but the furniture in her room), throwing out toys, taking away play dates and revoking privileges.

So next up is me intervening before she even gets past the belligerent stage and having her figure out what she can do to calm herself down.

And now I know why my Mom used to joke that she wish she had boys.