mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 15, 2013 13:15:46 GMT -5
Anyone else have one that will stop, follow you and the moment they notice you looking in their direction will fall back on the floor and start screaming? Gwen does that, it's actually kinda funny. DH told me I was being mean when I kept wandering from room to room to see if she would follow me. I pointed out I was at least making sure she got her exercise. LOL! My daughter used to do the same thing, and I did exactly what you did. I wandered from room to room. She'd stop the tantrum, pick herself up, follow me and restart the tantrum. I found it hilarious. Over time, just ignoring her did the trick, but it wasn't instant. Took time to get it across that no matter what additions she made to her tantrum bag of tricks, she wasn't going to get her way by screaming, yelling, and kicking.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jan 15, 2013 16:02:54 GMT -5
I have a PT job at a retail store. A few weeks ago there was this boy in with his parents and he was maybe 11 or 12. He was told something he didn't like, because he went into full meltdown mode. I just thought "Really?!" At that age, the boy is far too old for that. But apparently it works for him if he's still doing it at that age.
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oreo
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Post by oreo on Jan 15, 2013 16:16:11 GMT -5
My DS is only 4 and has occasional tantrums. For him, I know it means he's tired and needs a nap. I'm definitely going to keep some of these suggestions in mind for next time though! Thanks!
We're working through the problem where he is just contrary. No matter what fact I state, I am ALWAYS wrong. He just disagrees for the sake of argument. It gets old pretty fast.
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andi9899
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Post by andi9899 on Jan 15, 2013 16:30:48 GMT -5
My DS is only 4 and has occasional tantrums. For him, I know it means he's tired and needs a nap. I'm definitely going to keep some of these suggestions in mind for next time though! Thanks! We're working through the problem where he is just contrary. No matter what fact I state, I am ALWAYS wrong. He just disagrees for the sake of argument. It gets old pretty fast. Wait til he's a teenager. They never stop doing it. Sorry to burst your bubble.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Jan 15, 2013 17:16:21 GMT -5
DD did tantrums when she was toddler/preschool age. I agree with the others, that you NEVER give in to it. Then you've just given the child ammo for the next tantrum, because she'll figure if she tantrums long enough, she'll get her way. I would just step over DD (she'd lay on the floor during her tantrums) and completely ignore her until she was calm. I didn't even look at her, or acknowledge her existance, until she calmed down. I DO like Thyme's diversion idea (with an autistic child, you call it redirection).
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2013 10:20:04 GMT -5
Okay, so I used 2 tactics you suggested last night. At one point as she was throwing her fit I threw one. She covered her ears and complained I hurt her ears. Then later when she would start asking the question that lead to the tantrum I would start talking about something else. I'm not sure how effective it was.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jan 16, 2013 10:23:13 GMT -5
Sounds effective to me. In one case the tantrum stopped, and in the other one, it didn't start. Unfortunately, with parenting sometimes the "wins" come so slowly and over time, you barely notice. This is likely one of those cases. Just keep plugging along not giving in, and she will find new, exciting tactics to irritate you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 16, 2013 10:27:52 GMT -5
Sorry, late to discussion, so this is probably repeat, but how long it takes to stop is probably going to correlate with how long the behavior has gotten her what she wants in the past.
She is also testing to see if you mean what you say, an important trust issue.
One thing my kids learned about questions I've already answered... I don't like to repeat.
1st time... No 2nd time... I've said no. Now I've answered for this time. Next time I will assume its a new question and ill be answering for next time. So if you want next time to be no again, ask away.
1st time... Maybe, ill let you know. 2nd time... I said maybe. That's as much as I know right now. Your choices at the moment are maybe or no, do you want me to change my answer?
Not sure if that plus be helpful at all... ?
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jan 16, 2013 10:46:05 GMT -5
Later, I was going to say since she's 9 she is definitely old enough to understand that type of behavior is unacceptable. Just let her know when things are calm that it is ok to be upset and frustrated, and share that sometimes you feel that way as well. But talk about appropriate ways to express those feelings and let her know tantrums are not acceptable. She can go to her room or some other quiet place to recompose herself if she needs to.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jan 17, 2013 11:43:22 GMT -5
When DS was around 8 or 9 he would get so wound up and just break. The littlest things would set him off. And he would go in to full on stomp to his room, slam his door, crying mood. We would go into his room and ask him repeatedly to use words and tell us why he was upset. That his Dad and I didn't speak temper tantrum and couldn't help him if he didn't use words. Usually he would calm down enough that we could talk to him and get it resolved.
Then we started with the attitude pit. Don't know where we came up with that from or if we saw it somewhere. If he'd start getting an attitude we'd tell him to go outside and dig an attitude pit (not a real one) and then we'd make him stand there and "shake the attitude off" you know like when you dry off after a shower and you wipe your arms and legs with the towel? Then we'd make him pretend to cover it all back up with the dirt and walk away. Sounds kind of dumb explaining it but we'd stand there and shake and brush off our own attitude too and usually we'd look just goofy enough that he'd lose the attitude.
Even know years later if we are going somewhere and he is starting to act like a sullen teenager DH will say "Do I need to pull over so you can dig an attitude pit?" and DS will laugh and say "no, it's fine" and then 95% of the time let go of his attitude or frustration or whatever was going on.
With my niece and nephew I just ignore them and talk right on over them. Lexi will start trying to whine and I'll just keep distracting her and asking her questions and carrying on basically a one sided conversation until she gets so flustered that she forgets what she was having attitude about.
The deal is to be realistic with any punishments and follow through. If you say "If you don't stop thowing a tantrum then you can't watch tv the rest of night" or whatever you have to actually follow through and not let her watch tv. My brother and sister are both terrible at the follow through so their kids never listen to them.
There is hope- DS went through his "phase" for a year or so and now he is a very calm, well adjusted 14 year old that doesn't shout or slam doors or yell or anything. Serioulsy our house if so mellow it's ridiculous.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 17, 2013 12:06:58 GMT -5
LOVING the "attitude pit" idea, sheila! DD has been doing OK about self-managing her anger this week (with reminders from me), but I am going to have her "dig a pit" next time she escalates. Heck, I may even give her a shovel and dig a real one -- physical labor calms the savage beast!
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Jan 17, 2013 14:04:07 GMT -5
Beer Glad you liked that idea. It really worked for DS. We would get in there and pretend to be hefty big invisible shovels of dirt out of the "hole" and tease him and be like "oh, you fogot a piece behind your ear" It was just enough that it would shake him out of his funk, attitude, whatever it was at the time. Hope it works for your DD
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misplacedbrit
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Post by misplacedbrit on Jan 18, 2013 2:07:11 GMT -5
When my DD was about,um.. 14 or 15 she would throw tantrums. Full scale PMS mixed with teen attitude.
I remember one arguement, where I tried to put her in her room, while telling her to go to her room.. it went something like this..
Go to your room! NO Go to your room! No, and you cant make me! Get in your room! NO, I won't!
Breathe...
Fine, dont go to your room (figured I could find earplugs somewhere) I'm going to my room! *Door Slams*
Just do the opposite to what they think you'll do.. Kids!
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jan 18, 2013 7:23:49 GMT -5
I find that with girls like my dd (11) that i have to allow her to have her "moment". She gets mad, stomps up the steps and runs up to her room crying if she gets mad. I give her the space to do that. I just don't react to it. And soon, she comes out of her room and she comes over to hug me and it is over. So what type of "tantrum" behavior? I think we need to allow our children to show and have emotions but they need to do so in a acceptable way. Stomping off and crying for awhile i don't see as a problem. But, if she is destructive, throwing things or cursing at you, then yes that is a problem. Some kids are more emotional. Also, i do think it is important to make girls feel that their opinion and voice matters to and i want my dd to be able to feel like she is allowed to voice and own her feelings. So, if she isn't doing anything destructive, i would just walk away and let her sulk and own her feelings. If she is mouthy, then tell her she may go to her room until she can rejoin the family with acceptable behavior and she can come out of her room when she is able to interact in a polite way.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2013 9:21:00 GMT -5
She doesn't storm off. It happens when she wants something and I have said no or doesn't want to do what she is told to do. So she does her best to follow me around and keep asking, screaming, arguing for what she wants. So now, as soon as I see a hint of the tantrum stuff coming on I tell her if she doesn't do as she is told or bugs me about what she wants she won't get ice cream after supper, or money for pizza day, or whatever the next thing she wants is. This has been working for 36 hours so far. That means it will work forever right? Shooby she isn't violent or destructive. That is the saving grace for me. And believe me, everyone in our house expresses themselves.
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jan 18, 2013 9:25:18 GMT -5
Well, i probably wouldn't use the "you can't have ice cream or pizza" in that moment. Because when she is out of control she isn't going to process that anyway and i find that rarely worked for me but it might for you. What i would do is to walk away and send her to her room and tell her when she decides to calm down and stop badgering she can rejoin you. If she keeps pestering i would just simply not explain or answer her in engage in the discussion.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2013 9:34:23 GMT -5
I don't seem to be making the point that she is not out of control. She is very much in control. The tantrum is her tool to try to get her own way. It is very much a choice she is making.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jan 18, 2013 10:25:26 GMT -5
Actually, I think this is a really good idea, and I'll tell you why.
I have expressed my anger inappropriately at work several times, and I will tell you - it NEVER stops there. I can go an apologize and work it out with the people that were there, but someone ALWAYS gets wind of it, and it always comes back to me. I always pay the price for my anger with a different person on a different day, relating to a different subject. Telling her that a tantrum will be punished with an unrelated loss of privledge is a very real consequence. Granted, she is learning to control her emotions - so you aren't going to think less of her or love her less, but if she doesn't learn that this doesn't work out, someone else will think less of her and will love her less in the future.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2013 10:37:01 GMT -5
My wife had a tantrum this morning. The new blender she bought leaked and didn't work well. Then I put the wrong sizes straw in the Starbucks cup. So she had to correct it and in the process spilled some of the contents on the counter. She flipped out. I just ignored it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 18, 2013 10:40:49 GMT -5
thyme in my mind they actually aren't unrelated. I want this from you and you are refusing, so I'm going to refuse the next thing you want from me. It's really all I got as leverage. The beauty of it is that I will always have that as leverage.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Jan 18, 2013 10:47:16 GMT -5
Well, yes and no. I mean, how do ice cream and a new pair of boots relate? When I'm 10, they relate because I need my Mom to give them both to me. And in that way, everything relates. Maybe that is a good lesson - things don't stand alone. What you say and do today will change your tomorrow - so do the right thing.
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mmhmm
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It's a great pity the right of free speech isn't based on the obligation to say something sensible.
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Post by mmhmm on Jan 18, 2013 11:11:37 GMT -5
She doesn't storm off. It happens when she wants something and I have said no or doesn't want to do what she is told to do. So she does her best to follow me around and keep asking, screaming, arguing for what she wants. So now, as soon as I see a hint of the tantrum stuff coming on I tell her if she doesn't do as she is told or bugs me about what she wants she won't get ice cream after supper, or money for pizza day, or whatever the next thing she wants is. This has been working for 36 hours so far. That means it will work forever right? Shooby she isn't violent or destructive. That is the saving grace for me. And believe me, everyone in our house expresses themselves. I know this has to be frustrating for you and GW. It's frustrating for LGW, too. She's a new part of the family and trying to find her place. Tantrums may have worked for her in the past ... for a little while. I don't know how many fosters this little one has had, but it can't be easy for a child to find the right path when the right path keeps changing on her, as it does for foster kids who are moved around. It would seem to me you're going to have to try things until you find something that works. If what you're doing now has worked for 36 hours, it's looking good at this point. I'd keep doing that until it doesn't work. Then, you're going to have to come up with something new. For my son, sending him to his room to contemplate his navel until he could behave in adult society worked like a charm. He didn't like being alone. For my daughter, however, that never worked. She'd continue to bellow and howl for hours and would be recalcitrant for days. She was just a lot more difficult, and we'd have to devise methods, often on-the-fly, to get our wishes (and our demands) across to her. Sometimes, denying privilege worked, sometimes it didn't. Sometimes, if we could get her past the fit-throwing stage, we could talk her down and make her understand. Sometimes, she did better working with me on the issue, and sometimes she did better working with her dad. All I can tell you to give you hope, later, is that she is, today, a wonderful, educated woman in her 50s with a great husband and a happy marriage of well over 25 years. We do our best. You're doing your best. That's all you have to give, and it's enough because you sincerely care. LGW just needs enough time to realize how much you care. She hasn't had a lot of that in her life, I'll wager.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Jan 18, 2013 11:17:19 GMT -5
ARe the tantrums part of why she was in so many different places? Did you say she'd been in 3-5 different homes before yours?
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Post by Deleted on Jan 20, 2013 21:52:24 GMT -5
Ahhh the magic of the play date! My friend got GW to babysit her son today. He gets along great with LGW. They spent all afternoon playing together. It is the best day we have had in a while. She did her chores no arguement and followed my directions. Yay!!!
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Shooby
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Post by Shooby on Jan 21, 2013 7:35:27 GMT -5
I just want to make a point on chores. I will tell you that my 3 kids behave MUCH better when they have regular chores. I am not all that organized at home so my some of this is hit and miss and not "scheduled". But, they do know they are required to participate in caring for the home. That they have a duty not just to clean their rooms but to help the home function. And, no, they do not get paid, it is part of being in a family. I also find that the kids "like" doing chores with me or each other. Every Sat morning is cleaning day and we get up early and clean for a couple of hours. They whine a bit before starting but once we get going everyone is happier. Chores give the kids a sense of accomplishment. A chore gives them a sense of confidence, independence and satisfaction for completing a job. My DD seems to love the kitchen and when she is helping me cook and do dishes she really couldn't be happier. She gets into and soon she starts whistling or just seems to enjoy it. My teen son, i told him to go out and change the battery in his car. I told him to look up on youtube how to do it. Well, he did and then he came strutting back into the house telling my how "easy" that was like he as a Nascar mechanic, lol. And, we bond with our kids through chores. So, my advice would be to engage her help. Have her be mommy's helper. Engage in her folding laundry, cooking and so forth. It is a good way to bond.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Jan 24, 2013 16:13:45 GMT -5
This thread reminded me of something I saw:
DF and I were in a store looking at things and a 3-4yo child was told no by his mother. He then proceeds to through a total meldown-arms flailing-rolling on the ground Tantrum. The mother just sighed and watched him through it. When I discovered he was in my path she said to me "Just step over the lump on the floor.' So I stepped over him, and DF stepped over him as well as several other people. Eventually the kid gave up when the entire store ignored him.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 24, 2013 16:23:03 GMT -5
LOL CK that is beautiful. It is nice for everyone to support her in that way.
Bit by bit I am getting there with GW. I'm learning to recognise the warning signs and nip it in the bud and she is learning that is not the way to get stuff from me.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Jan 24, 2013 16:47:33 GMT -5
CK - we did that to my nephew. Actually, my sister & I walked a few aisles over so he couldn't see us (but we could still see him over the shelves as they were lower). He immediately stopped to come find us. Funny that everyone around just ignored him.
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Golden Cavalier
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Post by Golden Cavalier on Jan 24, 2013 19:04:10 GMT -5
Anyone else have one that will stop, follow you and the moment they notice you looking in their direction will fall back on the floor and start screaming? Gwen does that, it's actually kinda funny. DH told me I was being mean when I kept wandering from room to room to see if she would follow me. I pointed out I was at least making sure she got her exercise. This post reminds me of a video I saw several years ago. It's a hilarious demonstration of Drama's comment: Link: Funny Tantrum KidLater, you sound like you're doing all the right things. She's testing the boundaries in her new house to see how much she can get away with and also to see if she can wear you down. Hang in there. Eventually, you will see the light at the end of the tunnel as LGW starts to "get it."
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motherto2
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Post by motherto2 on Jan 25, 2013 22:03:25 GMT -5
Aaaahhh, the tantrum memories! Isn't amazing how kids raised in the same environment are so totally different? DD, the oldest, all I had to do was give her the look and she would stop. Or start walking away in a store and she'd be right behind me. DS, totally different. Major tantrum thrower. When he was just a wee guyhe would do the throwing himself in the floor and flail arms and legs. I'd just step over him and go to another room. He'd get up and follow me and thrown himself down again. It was hilarious. I found out the hard way I couldn't call his bluff. A scary time of him getting away from me in the mall at the age of 7, and I realized I couldn't handle him like I did DD. As he got older, and started to have that pouty look I'd ask him if he was throwing a tantrum. He'd say no, and I'd ask him if he'd ever gotten his way throwing a tantrum, and he'd say no, and then I'd ask then why did he think he'd get his way this time. That was enough to stop him. The best way to break him when he was 7 was to leave him with some friends and DD and I and my friend's sister went out to get ice cream. We made sure we were finishing up as we came back in the house. He outgrew it. I used to say he was the sweetest kid in the worlk until he heard the world no! Just wait until the door slamming starts. It didn't take too many times of me making them open and gently close the door until it was no longer a slam before they realized it wasn't worth slamming the door . I just have one question - what does GW think about the tantrums? I'd be curious about her reaction. Maybe she could be a big help when the "big sis" tells her she's being silly. My best advice is to never give in to it, even if you have a change of heart. Ex #2 had a son the same age as DS. He was the biggest manipulator I've ever seen in my life. He knew how to play his parents like a pro. Ex would give him an extreme punishment for something that in my opinion didn't really warrant it. Then after ex calmed down, he would renig it. Ex stepson knew it would just be a matter of time. Good luck and just keep with the program
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