twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Dec 31, 2012 12:11:53 GMT -5
As far a him claiming one..I don't see why I shou ld. He moves 180 miles away from them n I do everything for them. He sees them 4 times a month n thats it, calls every 2-3 days (he used to call nightly)
I got my house key back from him last might n removed most of pic of him amd us on Facebook. Now i decide to keep him as a friend or disconnect
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 31, 2012 12:13:45 GMT -5
As far a him claiming one..I don't see why I shou ld. He moves 180 miles away from them n I do everything for them. He sees them 4 times a month n thats it, calls every 2-3 days (he used to call nightly) I got my house key back from him last might n removed most of pic of him amd us on Facebook. Now i decide to keep him as a friend or disconnect He shouldn't, but it was just a suggestion. If he's paying full CS, toss him a bone and give him a deduction. If he's not paying full CS, screw him.
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Dec 31, 2012 12:15:30 GMT -5
As far a him claiming one..I don't see why I shou ld. He moves 180 miles away from them n I do everything for them. He sees them 4 times a month n thats it, calls every 2-3 days (he used to call nightly) I got my house key back from him last might n removed most of pic of him amd us on Facebook. Now i decide to keep him as a friend or disconnect He shouldn't, but it was just a suggestion. If he's paying full CS, toss him a bone and give him a deduction. If he's not paying full CS, screw him. Yeah but when I move, it won't make sense on the taxes
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Dec 31, 2012 12:16:26 GMT -5
He shouldn't, but it was just a suggestion. If he's paying full CS, toss him a bone and give him a deduction. If he's not paying full CS, screw him. Yeah but when I move, it won't make sense on the taxes Yes it will if you have a custody order, he's paying child support, and the court order references deductions.
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Dec 31, 2012 12:20:15 GMT -5
Oh ok...ill cross that road when I get to it. This will be the final year we file jointly
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Dec 31, 2012 12:27:18 GMT -5
Definitely file with the courts. It makes life so much easier. Plus there is a record of the payment that protects both of you. Also remember that as your children start school there are all kinds of expenses that start. I was told to include an estimate of field trips, birthday presents for friends, etc.
I asked for $200 less a month than the calculator called for, because it would have been unfair. I forgot about the Income Tax refund. Since he was out of work for the last 2 years and has not paid anything I doubt that he will have a refund coming. He just start a new job and has been paying again, but I doubt I will ever see the $12,000 that he owes in back support. Maybe next year's refund?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2012 12:30:39 GMT -5
Definitely file with the courts. It makes life so much easier. Plus there is a record of the payment that protects both of you. Also remember that as your children start school there are all kinds of expenses that start. I was told to include an estimate of field trips, birthday presents for friends, etc. I asked for $200 less a month than the calculator called for, because it would have been unfair. I forgot about the Income Tax refund. Since he was out of work for the last 2 years and has not paid anything I doubt that he will have a refund coming. He just start a new job and has been paying again, but I doubt I will ever see the $12,000 that he owes in back support. Maybe next year's refund? in my state, child support is to cover all of those expenses (field trips, gifts, sports, etc.), you don't get to add it on top.
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suesinfl
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Post by suesinfl on Dec 31, 2012 12:43:00 GMT -5
When I filled out the financial papers on who was paying what, those items were listed. How much weight was given to those items I don't know. I didn't list anything for them because I figured that I had control over what activities my kids would be involved in. At the time one was 7 and the other 3. I had no idea what their interests would be.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Dec 31, 2012 16:16:41 GMT -5
Get the court order. At the very least it'll make the courts the bad guy when they harass him to pay like he should.
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whoami
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Post by whoami on Jan 2, 2013 17:10:44 GMT -5
Yeah but when I move, it won't make sense on the taxes Yes it will if you have a custody order, he's paying child support, and the court order references deductions. If he gets one deduction (which I think he should if he is actually paying like he is supposed to) make sure you stipulate he has to be up to date with child support and whatever other financial obligations he has towards the kids. My ex lost his deduction one year over $40 he owed me. I had the ordered changed anyway because I wanted to put them on my DHs health insurance and order to make that happen, they had to be on our tax forms.
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HappyCat
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Post by HappyCat on Jan 3, 2013 3:44:19 GMT -5
I tried the "nice" route when I got a divorce in 1997. My divorce decree doesn't state a $$ figure but states we will each pay 1/2 of the children's living, medical and education expenses. He moved away, found a "lovely" lady and raised her kids instead. He never paid a dime for our daughters! So, yeah, I thought I was taking the high road and instead I took the poor road and put two kids through college by myself. What they say and do are two different things...especially down the road when another female enters the pic and his priorities change. I'm not trying to be mean or hurtful...just saying be careful, get it in writing and protect yourself and the boys!
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Jan 3, 2013 15:26:27 GMT -5
I file for child support yesterday...20 days to open the case, going to try and get me emergency-temp court order child support until the divorce is finalized. They said they will give us a calculated figure and then him and i can decide to either lower it, raise it, or keep it at the state guideline. I am worried that if they calculate an extra $400 for him to pay, that he is going to bully me into lowering it to $700 by giving me the whole" I don't make that much, how do you expect me to live...blah blah blah." speech. I just know how he is and he has an impeccable way of making me feel stupid and like its my fault. I just have to keep telling myself that he walked out on us and this is his choice and the consequences for his actions.
I was thinking yesterday, wow, if the rate is $1100, that is a lot for him to pay..but then I thought about it, I will be the one putting them through college more than likely, I will be the one to buy them furniture for their room, save for their cars, and for crying out loud, I will more than likely stayin in the air force for 20-30 years so that they are secure. On top of all that, I do everything on my own and when we get orders to go to a different base, I will definitely be on my own, so the least he can do is pay what is fair and right.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jan 3, 2013 15:35:50 GMT -5
Do NOT let him tell you/bully you into ANYTHING. Like you said, you'll be carry the majority of the workload for years and years to come. He chose this path, he has to live with it. Anything he says in search of pity, remind him of that. "This was your choice, this is how it works"
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Jan 3, 2013 15:43:17 GMT -5
Do NOT let him tell you/bully you into ANYTHING. Like you said, you'll be carry the majority of the workload for years and years to come. He chose this path, he has to live with it. Anything he says in search of pity, remind him of that. "This was your choice, this is how it works" True lol..as you can see, I keep waffling on the whole subject. If he gets made I filed child support then I suppose he is pretty immature because this has nothing to do with us, it has to do with our babies getting what they deserve.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 3, 2013 15:46:54 GMT -5
I am worried that if they calculate an extra $400 for him to pay, that he is going to bully me into lowering it to $700 by giving me the whole" I don't make that much, how do you expect me to live...blah blah blah." speech
Tell him tough shit, you should have thought about that before you decided to shrik all your responsibilities.
Seriously, it is not your job to make sure he has a comfortable lifestyle.
You got news for him just because he decided to bail doesn't mean his responsbilties magically disappeared. They are still here and he still needs to pay up.
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Jan 3, 2013 16:07:52 GMT -5
yeah I saw his divorce paperwork and he is trying to maintain the same lifestyle he had with me, making only $12/hour. (long story about why he is making so little) but he showed himself $200 in the hole every month..I was like, dude, get a freaking second job or something. Why would you purposefully pretend you are in Congress and borrow yourself to debt so you can have DirecTv and your S3 phone...I didn't understand that. I thought to myself that the last year we were together, paying off $45,000 didnt mean much to him I suppose. In reality though, he has no responsibility, he has a bachelor's degree (yes I know that does not mean an automatic job) and he is choosing to make only $12/hr. If he wants that job, fine, but get something at night or whatever so you can live.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jan 3, 2013 16:13:35 GMT -5
Just keep reminding yourself that this is not about your relationship. Your relationship (sadly, **hugs**) is over. This is about your children and the support to which they are entitled. How he makes that happen (providing proper support) is HIS problem, NOT yours. DON'T let him weasel out of his obligations to his children by getting all sappy or goo-goo eyed or worse yet, turning this around and blaming it on you (because of course you know he will try). Be strong!
"STBX - this is not about me. This is about your sons."
"STBX - this is not about me. This is about your sons."
"STBX - this is not about me. This is about your sons."
"STBX - this is not about me. This is about your sons."
"STBX - this is not about me. This is about your sons."
Burn it in your brain if you have to.
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Jan 3, 2013 16:18:13 GMT -5
Just keep reminding yourself that this is not about your relationship. Your relationship (sadly, **hugs**) is over. This is about your children and the support to which they are entitled. How he makes that happen (providing proper support) is HIS problem, NOT yours. DON'T let him weasel out of his obligations to his children by getting all sappy or goo-goo eyed or worse yet, turning this around and blaming it on you (because of course you know he will try). Be strong! "STBX - this is not about me. This is about your sons." "STBX - this is not about me. This is about your sons." "STBX - this is not about me. This is about your sons." "STBX - this is not about me. This is about your sons." "STBX - this is not about me. This is about your sons." Burn it in your brain if you have to. That gave me a little chuckle lol. I will do my best, he is very good at using my emotions and feelings for him against me. I had to call a friend yesterday for a pep talk because I was having second thoughts about filing the child support but I did it.
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kittensaver
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Post by kittensaver on Jan 3, 2013 16:26:01 GMT -5
Twinmama - it's actually a well-respected technique that therapists teach. It's called "the broken record." Kind of like sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" when you don't want to hear something. Only you replace the la-la-la-la with facts:
"I can't afford it." "Not my problem. This is about your sons."
"You're just trying to screw me/get back at me." "No, this is about your sons."
"But my rent/car payment/whatever is too high." "Not my problem. This is about your sons."
"But I only make $12 an hour." "Not my problem. This is about your sons."
I think you get the idea! And therapist-approved, too!
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Jan 3, 2013 16:29:50 GMT -5
Be Mama lion! Hell hath no fury like a mama when you mess with her cubs. He's messing with your cubs by skipping out and now trying to dodge child support.
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Jan 3, 2013 17:05:50 GMT -5
Twinmama - it's actually a well-respected technique that therapists teach. It's called "the broken record." Kind of like sticking your fingers in your ears and shouting "LA LA LA LA LA LA LA" when you don't want to hear something. Only you replace the la-la-la-la with facts: "I can't afford it." "Not my problem. This is about your sons." "You're just trying to screw me/get back at me." "No, this is about your sons." "But my rent/car payment/whatever is too high." "Not my problem. This is about your sons." "But I only make $12 an hour." "Not my problem. This is about your sons." I think you get the idea! And therapist-approved, too! That is too funny! It is so true! He has been blowing me off since Aug. and I have tried so hard to keep the marriage together and he repaid me by not waiting until March to file (I had requested that he wait 6 months before he filed, he waited 2) and so I suppose its my turn to think about the kids and myself. Thanks a lot.
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Jan 3, 2013 17:10:43 GMT -5
I have an ex that is well familiar with how to play the system. Get every dang dime you can ordered. My ex was unemployed when we split, his pay got calculated at the current minimum wage. He had to pay $40 a week. He's still only required to pay $40 a week (not that he has in years). When he finally got a job and I quit letting him mess with my head, and tried to get it raised, he got in a wreck. The state wouldn't do an adjustment while he was unemployed and that was all he needed to know. He hasn't worked since. It's been 7 years. They've harassed him for non payment but he's still out and about and not in jail so what does he care? My point is: take what you can while you can get it. He can get another job or go back to court to get it lowered if disaster strikes him but it's a HUGE pain to try to ratchet it up. If you feel like you don't need it, put it in the kids' college fund/car savings. I'm not in CA so YMMV.
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jdnstl
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Post by jdnstl on Jan 3, 2013 18:46:01 GMT -5
i'm in texas & going through the divorce process now. for CS here the judge takes into consideration your potential earnings too. so your STBX would not fair well here - they would see his $12/hr job with his bach. & say "you have higher potential" & base it off that. did you talk to a lawyer about CS & how it works in cali so you aren't screwed with a too-low number?
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moosmommy
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Post by moosmommy on Jan 3, 2013 20:39:08 GMT -5
In TN you have to file CS worksheet with divorce filing. I assume you don't in CA. I am sorry you couldn't make it work. I know you tried based on your other thread.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2013 21:39:09 GMT -5
"Its sooo frustrating because he can make more, he has a damn degree!! but he is trying to use the"well they won't make me pay that much because I have to live..blah blah blah" and its like dude! YOu can make more than that but you choose to make that income."
Are you sure you weren't married to my ex?? He is my exH as of 12/12/12. Exactly the same BS he told me. They don't care about his expenses, they care about the kids' expenses. My ex is also under employed. He got furloughed about1.5 years ago. He went from making 28+/hr to 10/hr. But according to my lawyer they would look at the most recent but if we went to trial we could have asked for his potential income. It would have been up to the judge.
"I guess bcuz I stil love him n make more than he does and don't want him to be completely broke."
Please please please stop this train of thought! I was thinking the exact and I mean EXACT same way. I offered him a deal any exH would jump on. I only asked for $150/month! And he said he couldn't afford that while paying for his other kids and their health insurance, etc. He just didn't want to give up anything because he knew I would take care of my son (no not ours anymore). I was feeling sorry for him, thinking he would lose his house, etc. Guess what??? he is still in that house, finding ways to stay there, pay, whatever. These losers always land on their feet! You know how ours ended up??? He wanted to relinquish his rights to his son while he still keeps his 2 kids from his previous marriage! And our son was a micropreemie, born at 25 weeks,stayed in the NICU for 98 days! Luckily I do not need his damn money because I am willing to work unlike him! I asked him in disbelief if he was serious and his words were "if you won't go after me for CS"!!! The judge wouldn't let him relinquish so we wrote the settlement with $0 CS and visitation as parties agree. He hasn't asked to see him, he hasn't even contacted on his 1st birthday (which was new years).
Get the CS through the court, make sure it is garnished. Get a lawyer if you can afford it. I got one and he didn't (couldn't afford it). I was already the only care taker for our son (in every way). Tell him you will go for his imputed income (I think that's what it is called) and calculate based on that. Tell him you are willing to settle for less if you don't have to go to trial (so it doesn't cost you much). Make sure to include his income from cash jobs even if he doesn't! If he deposits it in any account, you can show the income through the bank accounts.
Please PM me if you have any questions about my case.
One last thing: I will repeat this, DO NOT FEEL SORRY FOR HIM!!! I am kicking myself that I was feeling sorry for him and thinking I loved him and didn't want him to be broke. Now I freaking hate him for being such a money hungry low life.
I highly doubt he would get alimony. If you are the care giver for the kids, which sounds like you are, he will have to pay something no matter how little he makes. Here, they normally don't include daycare in the calculations, it is a separate number, each parent pays for the % they make but my lawyer was including due to the fact that he was highly unlikely to pay. You can tell the judge he is unlikely to pay so include the daycare and garnish.
Best of luck to you. I repeat do not feel bad for him at all!!!!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2013 21:45:55 GMT -5
"I am worried that if they calculate an extra $400 for him to pay, that he is going to bully me into lowering it to $700 by giving me the whole" I don't make that much, how do you expect me to live...blah blah blah." speech."
Don't let him bully you! Tell him the courts don't give a $hit about his living, they only care about the kids! I can guarantee you HE WILL FIND A WAY!!! If he tries to bully you, you bully him back and tell him "the courts don't care about your expenses, if we go to court, I will make sure they use your potential income" (they may or may not). He is just trying to get you to back down! Don't let him. Be confident!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2013 21:47:52 GMT -5
For me, it was worth it to forgo any CS in return for no visitation. He is an ignorant douchecanoe and he would do the exact opposite of what the doctors would say just to spite me! It really was in my son's best interest.
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twinmama85
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Post by twinmama85 on Jan 4, 2013 14:52:13 GMT -5
Oh I am not going to try and take visitation from him; they love him and vice versa and I just can't do that to my kids. But the child support he needs to pay cause they are his kids. ;D
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2013 18:42:44 GMT -5
OP, the best advice I can give you is to take yourself out of the equation. - Forget you used to be married to him - Forget you used to love each other - Forget that you still love them
You are going to war for your kids, their best interest is the only thing that should matter - Get every penny they are entitled to - Do not take visitation away from him, they deserve to have a father in their lives - It is not about YOU (again) or him, it is about them.
Take emotions out of it!
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Post by Deleted on Jan 4, 2013 20:50:12 GMT -5
"Oh I am not going to try and take visitation from him; they love him and vice versa and I just can't do that to my kids. But the child support he needs to pay cause they are his kids. "
I was not suggesting that at all. My ex did not want the visitation. And he had not been much involved anyway. My point was what cawiau said: forget you love(d) him! Do not do anything because you feel sorry for him, do not let him intimidate you. You have the upper hand here.
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