NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 27, 2012 14:46:07 GMT -5
I don't spend near as much as my DH does either, but I do get something. DH isn't spending everything that isn't pegged for a fixed expense and then charging the difference.
I don't mind not having as much spending money as my DH, but I wanted to kill him when every single dime was going to his wants without so much as a penny for me to spend on myself.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Nov 27, 2012 14:53:16 GMT -5
IMHO, one of you is going to need to be the saver. In my house that is me. I don't spend anywhere near the money my wife spends. But I understand that and I deal with it because I want to make sure we are saving for our future. You just may have to make peace that you are the saver of the relationship. Same for us... We would be broke all the time if we both spent like my wife. It balances everything out. How sustainable is that long term? And to what extent does the saver have to sacrifice? I took that approach for about 10 years, but eventually I got fed up with it and managed to really overspend on credit because I was tired of putting off anything that I wanted so that dh could buy even more clothes or toys or hand over 'my' large tax refund for his medical costs. Or my favorite is how much of my bonus money went to training the dogs that he brought home (not to mention hundreds of hours on my part). If our incomes had continued to go up like we thought, chances are it wouldn't have been an issue. He would have had to keep his spending level and I would have increased my fun money and life would be fine. Our income didn't go up though for various reasons and I pretty much imploded.
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 27, 2012 15:04:16 GMT -5
I'm trying to tell you all - big skillet! And a "Don't do it again!" is all you need. Men don't like all those words. They tune out after the first few.
Phoenix - Get over it! I'm (kind of) kidding. ;D
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Nov 27, 2012 15:11:07 GMT -5
I'm trying to tell you all - big skillet! And a "Don't do it again!" is all you need. Men don't like all those words. They tune out after the first few. Phoenix - Get over it! I'm (kind of) kidding. ;D And drama's 2 x 4!
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Peace Of Mind
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Post by Peace Of Mind on Nov 27, 2012 15:13:40 GMT -5
Skillets don't cause splinters and have a really nice rubber grip handle.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 27, 2012 15:15:52 GMT -5
Hugs Beth. I think that is one of the things I've had to let go this fall. My parents give us a big chunk of money and basically all of it went to pay DH's medical stuff. We each got a fairly expensive fun item, but I got to last month and surprisingly that huge buffer was all gone. I could have freaked out on DH about it and say OMG we can't spend another dime on fun money the rest of the year, but the reality is that we need some semblance of balance in our lives. Freaking out and saying there is no money isn't healthy either, but neither is going into debt 9 months out of the year. Beth, I hope youare able to find some balance in your life soon. And that's the suckiest part of this. It's medical/health. I know DH has a list of wants too. Like new computers and building on the land. He knows this isn't sustainable and it's stressing both of us out. We had an agreement of sorts that he'd give it until the end of this year. Well, now he's thinking next summer. I think my answer when he asks/tells me what he's ordering is going to have to be "can we afford that?" instead of "oh, ok."
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 27, 2012 15:15:57 GMT -5
Yeah but they are also heavy if you want one that'll do some damage. So he has a chance to push you over as you swing your arm back. 2x4's are better because they are light enough that I can easily swing it back but when it crashes into his kneecaps it does some serious damage. I've watched DH play too many video games. He might want to be worried.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 27, 2012 15:17:01 GMT -5
And kgb, I'm sorry to be stealing your thread.
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wvugurl26
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Post by wvugurl26 on Nov 27, 2012 15:17:05 GMT -5
Skillets don't cause splinters and have a really nice rubber grip handle. I need a nice grip handle for my cast iron skillets. ;D You might not get splinters if you treat it with some oil. Forget the name, my brother needs some for the handle of the new axe.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 27, 2012 15:21:26 GMT -5
rae, it works all right to us to be uneven. There just isn't room in the budget for us to be 50/50 split down the middle. It does help I am not near the spender that DH is.
We're not heavily skewed though. It isn't like DH gets $1000 while I only get $5. When I reworked things a few weeks ago I decided based on the numbers that he gets a little over twice what I do. I am all right with that.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 27, 2012 15:33:08 GMT -5
Don't be sorry. I don't mind. What's the line from "Jerry Maguire?" "Jump right into my nightmare. The water's warm."
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2012 15:43:40 GMT -5
I think what's missing here is that there is a hell of a big difference between sitting on the couch and watching TV for a few hours vs. leaving your spouse to take care of 2 kids by herself for days at a time while you're out in the woods drinking beer with your buddies...and draining the family coffers in the process so
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2012 16:13:21 GMT -5
Same for us... We would be broke all the time if we both spent like my wife. It balances everything out. How sustainable is that long term? And to what extent does the saver have to sacrifice? I took that approach for about 10 years, but eventually I got fed up with it and managed to really overspend on credit because I was tired of putting off anything that I wanted so that dh could buy even more clothes or toys or hand over 'my' large tax refund for his medical costs. Or my favorite is how much of my bonus money went to training the dogs that he brought home (not to mention hundreds of hours on my part). If our incomes had continued to go up like we thought, chances are it wouldn't have been an issue. He would have had to keep his spending level and I would have increased my fun money and life would be fine. Our income didn't go up though for various reasons and I pretty much imploded. You see that is the difference, I don't see it as a sacrifice. My wife had to drag me to a shoe store to spend $90 on shoes, to me that is a lot , to her that is cheap. I buy my pants at Walmart for $10-12 compared to $40-60 for my wife. But here is the thing: I enjoy saving money, seeing our investment grow and debt go down. My wife is happy when she ordered something from Crate & Barrel and I am happy when I make one more contributions to our savings/401k or lower our debt. She wouldn't be upset if I spent like her, heck she would welcome it and keeps on pushing me to spend more money on myself. But I get my jollies by saving/investing or paying down debt. A new car or shirt doesn't excite me, paying off my smaller student loan next month does. That new pair of shoes did nothing for me, but contributions $200/week into my 401k excites me. So no I don't see it as a sacrifice because I don't desire material stuff as much as my wife. I get more pleasure out of knowing that I can afford something or go out and purchase something thing I actually do from purchasing it. My wife gets pleasure out of material things/experiences and that makes her happy. We balance each other out. She got to spend 1k on a new couch and 2.6k on a new dinning room set in exchange she will contribute 5k into her ROTH next year and 6.5k into our "home fund". Win-Win.
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Nov 27, 2012 16:16:02 GMT -5
so cawiau, how would you feel if you couldn't get your pleasure out of paying off debt and and saving for retirement because your wife was spending too much?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2012 16:18:58 GMT -5
so cawiau, how would you feel if you couldn't get your pleasure out of paying off debt and and saving for retirement because your wife was spending too much? What if you have to give up your gym membership?
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 27, 2012 16:21:44 GMT -5
I want to make it clear that if we didn't have the credit card debt (that was a total surprise to me) and our budget could afford for DH to spend what he wanted on hunting and I could spend a little on myself, I wouldn't have an issue. It's not that I don't want him to do what he enjoys or that I don't want him to spend any money. But right now we're in a situation where he's spending what we don't have.
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swasat
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Post by swasat on Nov 27, 2012 16:21:55 GMT -5
She got to spend 1k on a new couch and 2.6k on a new dinning room set in exchange she will contribute 5k into her ROTH next year and 6.5k into our "home fund". Win-Win. Holy-Moly A $2.6K dining set! <shaking my head>> I just can't wrap my head around the fact that she doesn't have a job but a $2.6K dining set.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 27, 2012 16:24:25 GMT -5
Carl's wife must have got a job 'cause UE isn't going to cover 11.5k worth of contributions!
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 27, 2012 16:26:59 GMT -5
so cawiau, how would you feel if you couldn't get your pleasure out of paying off debt and and saving for retirement because your wife was spending too much? But what if you needed to go to the doctor, but could not pay the co-pay without going in debt from her purchasing? What if you had scrimped and saved for one night out, but couldn't go because she had not paid the rent this month? What if you needed to buy diapers for your baby and had to put it on the CC because your spouse had overspent? It is fine if you have enough for all your needs and a few of your wants which is what you and Shooby are talking about. But when your income is barely covering your needs and one partner seems to think he or she should get everyone of their wants and it puts your whole family at risk then it is a different situation.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 27, 2012 16:28:38 GMT -5
In a place that they are renting! What happens when it doesn't go with the next place?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 27, 2012 16:28:42 GMT -5
I agree Kgb that the credit cards are a much bigger issue that needs to be addressed and nipped in the bud ASAP. You can work out a spending agreement later. It does no good to hammer out a budget if your spouse is going to go behind your back and use credit cards.
I started my talk with DH by telling him I don't give two shits that he drinks Red Bull and I honestly do not care that he spends money on them it is the AMOUNT of money that is passing thru our fingers that is the issue. Let's figure out together how you can get your Red Bulls without busting the bank.
It's why iam all right with him having more spending money. I know the amount i came up with will keep him from feeling like I am controlling him, but at hte same time is an amount I can handle "disappearing" from our budget. I told him it's the random ass spending he does that kills us. A set amount each week si something I can account and budget for.
You could try to come up with a budget for DH's trips and that's it, no more money for them. Then youa re not preventing him from doing anything and he has AGREED to the arrangement (this is important otherwise they come back claiming you're trying to control them).
This hinges though on him not using credit behind your back and you'll have to solve that problem first.
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Works4me
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Post by Works4me on Nov 27, 2012 16:33:27 GMT -5
I hope there is something I have missed here - kgb's DH is coming home tonight and goes again Friday? He has spent money on CC's that kgb knows nothing about in addition to not paying bills? So much so in fact that they cannot afford for her to keep her hair appt this Saturday?
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 27, 2012 16:34:58 GMT -5
You pretty much summed it up sarah.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 27, 2012 16:35:26 GMT -5
I hope thereis something I have missed here - kgb's DH is coming home tonight and goes again Friday? He has spent money on CC's that kgb knows nothing about in addition to not paying bills? So much soin fact that they cannot afford for her to keep her hair appt this Saturday? Yep, although I'm not sure if she actually had a hair appt. Sat. I could have missed that though. She's also stated in other threads that their DD is now asking about why Daddy's not home/wants Daddy to be home more.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 27, 2012 16:37:14 GMT -5
You want me to buy those spikey heels I saw online nad mail them to you Kgb? Your husband needs kicked in the balls a few times with them until he gets that he's a grown-up.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Nov 27, 2012 16:38:50 GMT -5
It is fine if you have enough for all your needs and a few of your wants which is what you and Shooby are talking about. But when your income is barely covering your needs and one partner seems to think he or she should get everyone of their wants and it puts your whole family at risk then it is a different situation. Thanks Mutt--this is what I was trying to express. I have no need or desire to be completely 50/50 with dh on spending. However, I prioritized my dh's wants over my needs for several years and it really backfired. That is how I'm interpreting kgb's situation. I don't consider a hair cut a luxury item (I realize they can be if you go really high scale), and yet she is cancelling hers because he overspent on his vacation. That isn't sustainable imo.
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Clever Username
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Post by Clever Username on Nov 27, 2012 16:39:24 GMT -5
I'm trying to tell you all - big skillet! And a "Don't do it again!" is all you need. Men don't like all those words. They tune out after the first few. Phoenix - Get over it! I'm (kind of) kidding. ;D And drama's 2 x 4! Oh come on, though your skillet and 2x4, I think we've got an object lesson to keep closer to the mark here. kgb's gotta go all 'crazy eyes' on Mr. kgb. Then in an eerily calm voice request to see this $800 gun their family is now in debt over. Reminds me of the old Bill Cosby line. "Go get me something to beat you with."
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 27, 2012 16:39:40 GMT -5
I was supposed to get my hair done this coming Saturday, but I had to cancel.
DD is starting to get sad when DH leaves and will ask where he is and will say things like, "Oh, I really miss him." She's old enough now to notice when we're not with her, even if it's just going to work. So longer absences are noticed more.
ETA: My MIL and my SIL have told him many times that he should scale back on the trips and stay home more. So I feel better that I'm not the only one who thinks it's too much.
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Clever Username
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Post by Clever Username on Nov 27, 2012 16:43:02 GMT -5
You want me to buy those spikey heels I saw online nad mail them to you Kgb? Your husband needs kicked in the balls a few times with them until he gets that he's a grown-up. Not to be forgotten though, unless Mr Kgb has agreed not to spend on credit cards, he may not feel like he's done anything wrong. Tantamount to all of this Mr/Mrs Kgb need to set at least some vague financial goals. It's only after you break an already set rule that we've strayed into financial infidelity zone.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 27, 2012 16:43:10 GMT -5
I'm thinking you're going to need to bring in a professional probably both a finanical one and a marital one. Your Dh has his head shoved way too far up his ass to have a "come to Jesus moment" just by you expressing your unhappiness.
He's got problems a simple budget discussion isn't going to fix.
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