Need Advice: Talk with DH

[Deleted]

Nov 27, 2012 13:05:36 GMT -5 Clever Username said:

Nov 27, 2012 12:59:49 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Yep.

I state is more succinctly.
Happy wife / happy life.

Yup. Guys can handle being miserable better.

[kgb18]

I told someone else recently to let their spouse learn their lesson the hard way by allowing Verizon to get cut off.

That was me. I mentioned this issue a couple of weeks ago on the kid thread. Then yesterday I found out about a credit card I didn't know he had and found out that he's spent $800 on hunting in the past two months. I figured I needed my own thread instead of a quick vent on the other thread.

I can't let Verizon get cut off. That would leave me completely without a phone. It would also leave me at home with the kids with no phone, no internet, no television ...

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

yesterday I found out about a credit card I didn't know he had and found out that he's spent $800 on hunting in the past two months

My DH would have that card shoved up his ass. After I calmed down we'd have a discussion about how you don't do that.

He does realize that his debt affects you just as much as him right? How exactly did he plan on paying this off?

[Clever Username]

Nov 27, 2012 13:05:10 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

you screw up like this, it's going to get like Ke$hia in her.
The Place is About To Blow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

::Wants to know how Clever is knowledgeable enough about Ke$shia to make this reference::

I've got 4 girls under the age of 10.
That means much of my life involves pop music.
10 and below is an oddly innocent time of life where it's possible to sing about brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack and thinking it's about nothing but good oral hegein.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Nov 27, 2012 13:09:57 GMT -5 Clever Username said:

Nov 27, 2012 13:05:10 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

you screw up like this, it's going to get like Ke$hia in her.
The Place is About To Blow-ow-ow-ow-ow-ow!

::Wants to know how Clever is knowledgeable enough about Ke$shia to make this reference::

I've got 4 girls under the age of 10.
That means much of my life involves pop music.
10 and below is an oddly innocent time of life where it's possible to sing about brushing your teeth with a bottle of Jack and thinking it's about nothing but good oral hegein.

My 4.5 year old DD has recently decided she likes "girl" singers and not boys.

[Clever Username]

Nov 27, 2012 13:07:21 GMT -5 kgb18 said:

I told someone else recently to let their spouse learn their lesson the hard way by allowing Verizon to get cut off.

That was me. I mentioned this issue a couple of weeks ago on the kid thread. Then yesterday I found out about a credit card I didn't know he had and found out that he's spent $800

Cutting off the phone isn't the best plan, but my goal is still the same.
This man needs some problems in his life.
Problems where the only solution is working together with his wife.

My kids will squable about some toy or something.
My answer is often:
You can work this out yourselves or I can solve it for you.
Hint: you won't like my solution.

I'm not saying treat him like a child, but I think there needs to be that sort of edge to this conversation.

[Pants]

Nov 27, 2012 12:35:02 GMT -5 @singlemominmd said:

Nov 27, 2012 12:21:46 GMT -5 @shooby said:

And, i am addressing it too. There are several approaches. I have already addressed that as well. I am saying there are multiple issues to address across the board. And, taking the "you can't hunt" approach simply is not going to work. Trust me. I live in hunting towns. It isn't a mere hobby it is the passion of many people who live here.
But, again, i said she and her DH need to find ways to get on board together without taking an adversarial approach.

so which of your hobbies/activities has your DH embraced?

The same question I had.

[Pants]

Nov 27, 2012 13:09:33 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

yesterday I found out about a credit card I didn't know he had and found out that he's spent $800 on hunting in the past two months

My DH would have that card shoved up his ass.

Hot, Drama.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Nov 27, 2012 13:16:58 GMT -5 Clever Username said:

My kids will squable about some toy or something.
My answer is often:
You can work this out yourselves or I can solve it for you.
Hint: you won't like my solution.

I'm not saying treat him like a child, but I think there needs to be that sort of edge to this conversation.

I do something similar with mine. It's a work in progress.

[raeoflyte]

The best way that I have gotten dh 'on board' with our budget is that I stopped checking the balance everyday and micromanaging it. I paid bills on payday and then just ignored the account.

Dh had to abandon cart a few times because of a declined debit card when the money ran out. It was amazing how quickly he started checking the balance and then started checking in with me about money he wanted/needed to spend instead of just spending.

It's an approach that now we need to tweek because its caused some bad habits on both sides, but I really am glad I did it.

[Deleted]

Nov 27, 2012 12:35:02 GMT -5 @singlemominmd said:

Nov 27, 2012 12:21:46 GMT -5 @shooby said:

And, i am addressing it too. There are several approaches. I have already addressed that as well. I am saying there are multiple issues to address across the board. And, taking the "you can't hunt" approach simply is not going to work. Trust me. I live in hunting towns. It isn't a mere hobby it is the passion of many people who live here.
But, again, i said she and her DH need to find ways to get on board together without taking an adversarial approach.

so which of your hobbies/activities has your DH embraced?

Are you addressing me? I do as i please. In fact, i just bought front row tickets to a concert and am going with one of my girlfriends. Earlier in our relationship, i kind of felt the Mom Guilt thing like i shouldn't do things that I like or please me. It burns you out. So, now i do things i enjoy. I went skiing last year, that isn't cheap. DH is willing to go to these things or he doesn't mind if i go with a friend. DH and the boys went to an NFL game. IT was pricey so i stayed home. And, we like sports so we do a lot of sports related activities together as well from walking to play basketball and coaching. Does that answer your question?
As for picking up slack, i had too much on my plate at one point. So, he took over the grocery shopping and laundry. I haven't done a load of wash or bought groceries in ages. I do the cooking but if i had to buy all the groceries AND cook, he is smart enough to know he wouldn't get so many good eats and it works for us.

[kgb18]

I went skiing last year, that isn't cheap.

Hell, forget skiing. I can't even get my hair done. If we had the income to cover everything he wants to do and to leave me a little money to do a few things for myself, there would be far less of an issue here. But when he's spending as freely as he did before kids and all of what used to be "my" money is now spent on diapers, formula, clothing the kids and credit card debt that he has accumulated, there's a problem.

[muttleynfelix]

Nov 27, 2012 13:34:29 GMT -5 @shooby said:

Nov 27, 2012 12:35:02 GMT -5 @singlemominmd said:

so which of your hobbies/activities has your DH embraced?

Are you addressing me? I do as i please. In fact, i just bought front row tickets to a concert and am going with one of my girlfriends. Earlier in our relationship, i kind of felt the Mom Guilt thing like i shouldn't do things that I like or please me. It burns you out. So, now i do things i enjoy. I went skiing last year, that isn't cheap. DH is willing to go to these things or he doesn't mind if i go with a friend. DH and the boys went to an NFL game. IT was pricey so i stayed home. And, we like sports so we do a lot of sports related activities together as well from walking to play basketball and coaching. Does that answer your question?
As for picking up slack, i had too much on my plate at one point. So, he took over the grocery shopping and laundry. I haven't done a load of wash or bought groceries in ages. I do the cooking but if i had to buy all the groceries AND cook, he is smart enough to know he wouldn't get so many good eats and it works for us.

(Wondering how this situation is anything remotely like kgb is talking about and how it relates to her situation. Because from where I stand, it doesn't. At least at this point in time. )

[Wisconsin Beth]

Nov 27, 2012 13:42:15 GMT -5 kgb18 said:

I went skiing last year, that isn't cheap.

Hell, forget skiing. I can't even get my hair done. If we had the income to cover everything he wants to do and to leave me a little money to do a few things for myself, there would be far less of an issue here. But when he's spending as freely as he did before kids and all of what used to be "my" money is now spent on diapers, formula, clothing the kids and credit card debt that he has accumulated, there's a problem.

Yep. And every time you skip and save/cut/sell something, somehow that money ends up going to a different use than you originally thought/planned/hoped. AT this point, I've worked OT, sold stuff and probably kicked between $800-$1200 into our accounts in the last 2-3 months. And DH still tells me there's no money and he and I shouldn't buy each other Christmas presents. So I'm not getting a Kindle after all.

[Wisconsin Beth]

Nov 27, 2012 13:48:22 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

Nov 27, 2012 13:34:29 GMT -5 @shooby said:

Are you addressing me? I do as i please. In fact, i just bought front row tickets to a concert and am going with one of my girlfriends. Earlier in our relationship, i kind of felt the Mom Guilt thing like i shouldn't do things that I like or please me. It burns you out. So, now i do things i enjoy. I went skiing last year, that isn't cheap. DH is willing to go to these things or he doesn't mind if i go with a friend. DH and the boys went to an NFL game. IT was pricey so i stayed home. And, we like sports so we do a lot of sports related activities together as well from walking to play basketball and coaching. Does that answer your question?
As for picking up slack, i had too much on my plate at one point. So, he took over the grocery shopping and laundry. I haven't done a load of wash or bought groceries in ages. I do the cooking but if i had to buy all the groceries AND cook, he is smart enough to know he wouldn't get so many good eats and it works for us.

(Wondering how this situation is anything remotely like kgb is talking about and how it relates to her situation. Because from where I stand, it doesn't. At least at this point in time. )

Ok, Shooby, work with us here. How exactly did you get your DH to do the grocery shopping and laundry. How did you get from the burnt out mommy guilt to guilt free Lady Gago going you?

[Deleted]

Nov 27, 2012 13:42:15 GMT -5 kgb18 said:

I went skiing last year, that isn't cheap.

Hell, forget skiing. I can't even get my hair done. If we had the income to cover everything he wants to do and to leave me a little money to do a few things for myself, there would be far less of an issue here. But when he's spending as freely as he did before kids and all of what used to be "my" money is now spent on diapers, formula, clothing the kids and credit card debt that he has accumulated, there's a problem.

You need to claim the fun money before he does. Or you both have an allowance that gets pulled out of the main account and the other one does not have access to it. So he has his hunting money and can't suppliment it with your hair cut money. Now here is the hard part, DON'T SPEND YOUR ALLOWANCE ON THE KIDS.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Am I the only one that saw he opened a credit card and racked up $800 without Kgb knowing about it?

He's not just spending all the fun money, he's spending all the fun money and thensome. Even if Kgb sets an allowance or takes the money for herself first it appears her DH has no problem going out and getting some credit in order to make up the difference.

That's a lot bigger issue than unequal fun money.

[Clever Username]

Nov 27, 2012 13:42:15 GMT -5 kgb18 said:

I went skiing last year, that isn't cheap.

Hell, forget skiing. I can't even get my hair done.

... and how did he respond to this?

[kgb18]

The credit card stuff is going to be a big part of the discussion. I figured that almost $500 a month has to go to credit card bills. THAT is what's really killing our budget. And as long as we're paying that we can't put extra aside to put a down payment on a new house. And his credit utilization ratio is shot, so we won't even be in a good position to get another mortgage until we take care of that. He doesn't have huge balances (well, I don't know the balance of the one card because I can't find a statement), it's a lot of balances like $467 on a card with a $500 limit. That's worse on your credit report than a $4,000 balance on a card with a $20,000 credit limit. That's why we need to get the debt snowball going ASAP.

Beth, I'm sorry you're going through this too.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Have you tried finding a finanical planner/counseler? Meeting with the TIAA-CERF (sp?) representative really helped me get DH on board because he respects authority figures. Goes in one ear and out hte other when I discuss it with him, but if an expert says the exact same freaking thing, he listens.

[wvugurl26]

Hugs Beth. That just sucks.

There's a lot of good advice here kgb, I think one thing at a time is probably the best. And the money piece drives some of the other stuff.

[Deleted]

Nov 27, 2012 13:42:15 GMT -5 kgb18 said:

I went skiing last year, that isn't cheap.

Hell, forget skiing. I can't even get my hair done. If we had the income to cover everything he wants to do and to leave me a little money to do a few things for myself, there would be far less of an issue here. But when he's spending as freely as he did before kids and all of what used to be "my" money is now spent on diapers, formula, clothing the kids and credit card debt that he has accumulated, there's a problem.

kgb - I agree with you. And, a unknown cc debt and overspending absolutely has to be addressed. But, the real problem is that both spouses need to find a way to get on board. I found i could cajole or demand DH do certain things, but it only leads to more frustration. It really won't change until you find the way to work together. I would suggest taking a Dave Ramsey course together or sitting down with your pastor for some counseling. When he stops acting in purely selfish way and starts really thinking about you and the kids, then everyone will win.

[kgb18]

... and how did he respond to this?

We haven't talked about it yet, so he doesn't know that. He's been away on a hunting trip. He's leaving again Friday.

The money thing is driving some of the other stuff. Like I said, that's the critical issue at this point. I've given up on him just deciding that he'd like to spend more time at home with me and the kids. I have never asked him not to go. I used to ask him to cut back on the amount of time he's gone, but I quit doing that. I did put my foot down when he wanted to go to the camp overnight 10 days after I had DS. His mother also laid into him about that one.

[Deleted]

Nov 27, 2012 13:55:19 GMT -5 @justaposter said:

Nov 27, 2012 13:42:15 GMT -5 kgb18 said:

Hell, forget skiing. I can't even get my hair done. If we had the income to cover everything he wants to do and to leave me a little money to do a few things for myself, there would be far less of an issue here. But when he's spending as freely as he did before kids and all of what used to be "my" money is now spent on diapers, formula, clothing the kids and credit card debt that he has accumulated, there's a problem.

You need to claim the fun money before he does. Or you both have an allowance that gets pulled out of the main account and the other one does not have access to it. So he has his hunting money and can't suppliment it with your hair cut money. Now here is the hard part, DON'T SPEND YOUR ALLOWANCE ON THE KIDS.

IMHO, one of you is going to need to be the saver. In my house that is me. I don't spend anywhere near the money my wife spends. But I understand that and I deal with it because I want to make sure we are saving for our future.

You just may have to make peace that you are the saver of the relationship.

[Deleted]

Nov 27, 2012 13:52:46 GMT -5 Wisconsin Beth said:

Nov 27, 2012 13:48:22 GMT -5 muttleynfelix said:

(Wondering how this situation is anything remotely like kgb is talking about and how it relates to her situation. Because from where I stand, it doesn't. At least at this point in time. )

Ok, Shooby, work with us here. How exactly did you get your DH to do the grocery shopping and laundry. How did you get from the burnt out mommy guilt to guilt free Lady Gago going you?

LOL! I think part of is was giving myself permission to enjoy life. And, that the world isn't going to end if everything doesn't get done. And, that no matter how much money we save and plan with, in the end, our fate is not in our hands and that the only time is now. And, i we both had to learn to accept each other for who we are. I like what i a like and am unapologetic. He likes what he likes and vice versa. I have learned to just let Football Sunday be. That is his time to decompress. He loves it and he coached all our sons. That is his thing. I could either fight it or join it. And, i found that a better approach wasn't " you need to do this for me because i told you how it needs done" but over time explaining that I want his company and companionship and love and not just some list of details. That he finally came to understand that buying me flowers doesn't make me feel loved but caring for the things that need done at home, the kids, the cars, etc are the things that really make me feel cared for as a wife. There isn't a simple answer. It is a process.

[Clever Username]

Shooby, that's good insight.

You know about the carrot and the stick, right.
Here's the carrot. Once you two are on the same page with money, you'll be glad for him to spend his money on his hunting trip.

Right now, that trip represents many of the things that are painful about your relationship.
It doesn't have to be that way.

[midjd]

I have learned to just let Football Sunday be. That is his time to decompress. He loves it and he coached all our sons. That is his thing. I could either fight it or join it.

I think what's missing here is that there is a hell of a big difference between sitting on the couch and watching TV for a few hours vs. leaving your spouse to take care of 2 kids by herself for days at a time while you're out in the woods drinking beer with your buddies.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think what's missing here is that there is a hell of a big difference between sitting on the couch and watching TV for a few hours vs. leaving your spouse to take care of 2 kids by herself for days at a time while you're out in the woods drinking beer with your buddies

...and draining the family coffers in the process

[Deleted]

Nov 27, 2012 14:12:15 GMT -5 ArchietheDragon said:

Nov 27, 2012 13:55:19 GMT -5 @justaposter said:

You need to claim the fun money before he does. Or you both have an allowance that gets pulled out of the main account and the other one does not have access to it. So he has his hunting money and can't suppliment it with your hair cut money. Now here is the hard part, DON'T SPEND YOUR ALLOWANCE ON THE KIDS.

IMHO, one of you is going to need to be the saver. In my house that is me. I don't spend anywhere near the money my wife spends. But I understand that and I deal with it because I want to make sure we are saving for our future.

You just may have to make peace that you are the saver of the relationship.

Same for us... We would be broke all the time if we both spent like my wife.

It balances everything out.

[muttleynfelix]

Yep. And every time you skip and save/cut/sell something, somehow that money ends up going to a different use than you originally thought/planned/hoped. AT this point, I've worked OT, sold stuff and probably kicked between $800-$1200 into our accounts in the last 2-3 months. And DH still tells me there's no money and he and I shouldn't buy each other Christmas presents. So I'm not getting a Kindle after all.

Hugs Beth. I think that is one of the things I've had to let go this fall. My parents give us a big chunk of money and basically all of it went to pay DH's medical stuff. We each got a fairly expensive fun item, but I got to last month and surprisingly that huge buffer was all gone. I could have freaked out on DH about it and say OMG we can't spend another dime on fun money the rest of the year, but the reality is that we need some semblance of balance in our lives. Freaking out and saying there is no money isn't healthy either, but neither is going into debt 9 months out of the year. Beth, I hope youare able to find some balance in your life soon.