I am not the crazy one

[geenamercile]

Why do I feel like the crazy one for not wanting DH, my girls, and myself to be around my parents on Thanksgiving. Original plan was to have Thanksgiving dinner, around 1pm, at my aunts with my aunt, uncle and grandmother and then go down to the ILs for the rest of the weekend. So Friday my aunt told me that she didn't feel right not inviting my mom even though she doesn't want her there, and she will most likely come. Of course she will come free food and she will get a few 100 bucks from my grandmother for the hard times they are having.

I said thanks for the heads up, we will change out plans, no hard feelings and we will see them another time. I am not upset at them for inviting my parents that is their choice, I'm done with my parents they are not. And if it was just me and DH, I might suck it up and deal with them for my aunt but I am not willing to have them around my girls.

Why is it crazy that I feel that my girls deserve a stress-free, happy, not walking around waiting for the drunk bomb that is my mother to go off. I don't want to spend my holiday distracting my girls from interacting with my parents, when instead I can take them to a place where they can interact with everyone, I know everyone will support us as parents and I don't have to worry about them developing relationships with types of people who we do not want them to be associating with.

Yes I feel sorry for my grandmother who won't have her grandchild and great grandchildren there, I get that it will put a damper on her holidays but I AM NOT CRAZY for wanting my children to have a good holiday over hers. And seriously how good can it be when out of the 7 adults who will be there 2 of them will be completely avoiding and distancing an other 2.

Of another gem from my grandmother..... If your daughters are there your mother won't drink.... Yea right... and two it is not my 6 year old and 1 year old responsibility to be the inspiration for my mom to follow her probation rules.

At least my DH and I had a nice talk about it all and got our communications cleared up.

And I guess I do feel bad because I would like to have a happy thanksgiving with my aunt/uncle/grandmother (they all live together) this year like we originally planned, and in my mothers true fashion she may bail on them Thursday morning, and then I would feel bad about them only having the three of them together. I know that family is important to my aunt and grandmother, and I know that after the crazy of last year having family their is important and if my mom bails on them it will hurt just being the three of them. And I do want to be there for them, but not at the determent of my daughters.

Okay this is getting long, I will stop rambling.

[Empire the P.A.]

I don't think you are the crazy one. More like the smart normal one surrounded by crazy. Do not make yourself feel any guilt in refusing to take part in what you know will be stressful and will most likely turn ugly. You know your family dynamics and it's perfectly reasonable to want to keep your children safe from it.

[cottoncandyclouds]

I agree with Empire. I understand that you may feel guilty for leaving your Aunt,Uncle,and Grandma alone on thanks giving. You know that if you were to go you'd be more stressed than happy. If your mother does bail is there any way you could invite them to your in laws? I know this isn't ideal but it would ease your mind on them being alone.

[Deleted]

Geena do not feel bad or guilty at ALL. Knowing your family history, there is no way in HELL I would want my kids around your mother. You are doing the right thing for your children. IMHO she (your mother)shouldn't be out walking the streets, but I did not get to decide that...

[Jaguar]

Nov 18, 2012 11:49:12 GMT -5 Empire the P.A. said:

I don't think you are the crazy one. More like the smart normal one surrounded by crazy. Do not make yourself feel any guilt in refusing to take part in what you know will be stressful and will most likely turn ugly. You know your family dynamics and it's perfectly reasonable to want to keep your children safe from it.

I agree

[geenamercile]

No they wouldn't make it to my ILs, ILs are 3 hours away. We will most likely won't leave for ILs until around 10 or 11 Thursday so if my mom does call and bail we may be able to move back to plan 1, but really part of me doesn't want too and the other part would. The part that does want to be there for them would want to go back to plan 1 and then leave for the ILs around 3. ILs will do dinner around 6. Another part just wants to say we already changed our plans once, why should be change the plans again if my mom bails and essentially be cleaning up another on of her messes. If she bails shouldn't they have the consequences in choosing her over us.... and yes a bitter part feels like that, even though I know we are making the choice not to go.

[geenamercile]

Geena do not feel bad or guilty at ALL. Knowing your family history, there is no way in HELL I would want my kids around your mother. You are doing the right thing for your children. IMHO she (your mother)shouldn't be out walking the streets, but I did not get to decide that...

and if my aunt and grandmother were outside of the situation and I was just a friend dealing with their mother, that is the advice they would give. But because it is my mom, it is family.

[Deleted]

I'm sorry. The holidays bring up all sorts of weird family issues. You made the appropriate decision.

[Deleted]

You should do whatever you think is in your best interests of you and your family.

But, just a bit of the other side of the coin here, your family, as nutty as they are, arent' going to be around forever. And, some of the craziest, most miserable family gatherings later on become near and dear to your heart in a way. We have all had nutty relatives, loud mouths, drunks whatever along the way. But, aren't some of the truly fond memories of life part of that craziness? My dad didn't drink often, but when he went the company picnic once a year, he could barely walk through the door. It is kind of endearing in a way. And he was brilliant, mathematical genius of a man and engineer who was totally in control and in a way it was humanizing. I don't know. I have lost most of my family. Most of my family is long gone. Now, it is us, me, DH and the kids. The crazy days are over.
Just something to consider. The bonds of family can be very strong and comforting, even the some of the crazy stuff.

[Empire the P.A.]

Mean drunk family members have never been an endearing memory for me.

[Deleted]

Well, i didn't say to stay the whole time and i didnt' say to be around people who are mean. I am just making a point of the craziness of families. That's all. YMMV.

[p8nt]

I don't think you need to feel bad at all. If your mother is someone who you would not associate with if she was not your mother, then I don't think you should feel bad about chosing who you let in your life.

I do everything I can to avoid my mother. She's a liar and a thief who chooses to live off the system and then whine about how poor she is. The easiest way to avoid these things is to avoid her.

Just being a parent doesn't give someone a free ticket to treat you and your family like crap.

[Empire the P.A.]

Shooby, I'm more of a lurker and am pretty short on my responses. I know I have little patience for dealing with drunks, I think the patience was all used up in childhood. I'm trying to work on being more tolerant/forgiving (pretty hard sometimes).

[Deleted]

OK. I hear ya. And, drunk is one thing. Just crazy, nutty is another. So, that makes sense and i agree, the OP should do what she feels is best for her family. And, if exposing her kids to that is beyond the pale, then she shouldn't go nor should she fall bad about it.

[p8nt]

Nov 18, 2012 12:45:59 GMT -5 @shooby said:

Well, i didn't say to stay the whole time and i didnt' say to be around people who are mean. I am just making a point of the craziness of families. That's all. YMMV.

I think the craziness you are speaking of is dear old Aunt Sally who brings prune cake, has a couple gin & tonics, and lets her crazy flag show. I can understand that. Those are fun memories, and when the crazy is harmless then it's ok to just chalk it up for what it is.

I can't fondly relate to people passing out before the pie is served and then cussing everyone out because there's no more beer. (I don't know the OP's situation, so I can't say what the issue may be specificially, but I was raised around drunks who would do the above)

[Deleted]

Yes, i just mean in a more harmless sense. Aunt Edna getting pickled on rumcake or uncle Joe and his rants on whatever and so forth. I kind of think of Chevy Chase Christmas Vacation where they all sit around to eat and the old Aunt is asked to give the blessing and she stands up and says the Pledge of allegiance. Then, the turkey is so overcooked it explodes and they are all trying to chew this thing. And, the dog is belching under the table, etc.

[geenamercile]

Shooby I get what you are saying, and honestly if the craziness that we were dealing with that would be one thing. My parents take it to a whole another level, which before last year included fist fights, pulling knives ect... last year it included my mom shooting my dad over what to have for dinner while celebrating a friends birthday at their house and they were only one the second drink. While I know she was order to get rid of all the guns, I seriously doubt it, never cared what the law said before, I doubt she does now. Yes my aunt and grandmother have both been on the receiving end of my mom pulling a knife on them and someone having to pull her off. And as they would say as a pint, that doesn't happen every year and I'm just focusing on the bad ones. We have had just as many goof ones.... I an no longer finding that thought comforting.

When I say parenting choices I am not talking about an extra cookie, staying up 30 min past bedtime.... I'm more talking about DD's building a relationship with someone who will have no problem giving DD's drugs with the reasoning well how will they know if the want to do it or not if they don't try it first. My brother was 9 when he started. I saw what she did behind other parents back, I don't doubt because I'm her daughter she won't do it with my kids.

It will just be easier for DD's not to know her, then as they get older explain why I don't want them to be around grandma...... but it is okay on certain holidays. And to be honest, I don't want them to see us disagree on something, and yes it could be as simple as not wanting ODD to go down to the barn with her, and she feels she needs to defend that she is their grandmother, she should have certain rights to them, get mad and pull a knife on me. Because you can bet Dh or I would have the police there and her ass back in jail. And I'm sure I would be the bad guy in that case too.

[Phoenix84]

*shrugs* I don't think anyone here will call you crazy. We don't know your parents and you do. Most of us get that not everyone has a happy relationship wtih their parents and understand if you want to cut them off.

[geenamercile]

Now what my MIL did to a ham one year when she cooked it......... that is one of the memories.

And I am mostly venting, although if anyone magic ideas on how not to feel guilty for not being there for my aunt and grandmother.... Or how to get them to cut my parents lose I'm all eyes.

*shrugs* I don't think anyone here will call you crazy. We don't know your parents and you do. Most of us get that not everyone has a happy relationship wtih their parents and understand if you want to cut them off.

And perhaps I'm looking for a little re-enforcement to that I am right, that I am not the crazy one. Because I do have a lot of self doubt when it comes to relationships and family dynamics, and what is normal. That I can't trust the models I saw growing up and right now I'm trying to figure what is a good normal model and how do I provide that for my daughters.

[Deleted]

If you give in and go you will be contributing to the problem. If your Aunt and Grandmother are still comfortable being enablers that is their business and they get to live with the consequences of that. Do not change your plans if your mom bails on them, that will defeat all the good work you are doing breaking the cycle for your girls. Not only should you not feel guilty, it is your duty to provide as sane a childhood for your girls as possible and that does not include making them spend holidays with mean drunk grandma or letting said grandma dictate your holiday plans on a whim.

[Happy prose]

I'm surprised your grandma wants her there. Next holiday, why don't you invite your grandma, aunt and uncle to your place? Or offer to take everyone out? One crappy relative shouldn't be allowed to spoil the holidays for everyone.

[susanb]

Geen - alcoholism and drug addiction are usually a family sickness and it sounds like that is the case in your family. Everyone has a role to play, some people cover for the alcoholic, some provide resources, others have other roles. You are not crazy, but you aren't playing the family game anymore. Your family, still living in this disease, is not going to be happy about that.

They might view your refusal to participate in the family dance as rejection or they might just resent that you are not taking on your role/job with the alcoholic, leaving more burden on them. Any way you slice it, you not participating makes things worse, not better, for those still participating in your parent's alcoholism.

So, no, you are not crazy, but don't expect your family to support your choices to be healthy.

[swamp]

Your mom feakin shot your dad!!! And now everyone wants you to carry on like it didn't happen. You aren't the crazy one.

[NancysSummerSip]

I totally remember your family "issues", Geena. Keep your girls out of that stuff at all costs. I would not want them around it for even a short time. Blood ties do not give your mother, or anyone else, the right to make you miserable, and someone has to see to it that this cycle is not perpetuated. You're smart enough to know that it has to be you.

There's crazy in the outlandish and funky sense of the word, and then there's bonafide whack-job-not-to-be-trusted.

[Opti]

Of another gem from my grandmother..... If your daughters are there your mother won't drink.... Yea right... and two it is not my 6 year old and 1 year old responsibility to be the inspiration for my mom to follow her probation rules.

Sounds like Grandma wanted your mother there and this might be an argument she used with your aunt. Its just a wild ass guess but perhaps Grandma refuses to acknowledge her child is messed up and wants all the family members to try to fix her.

I'd just tell Grandma and the Aunt it is Mom's responsibility not to drink and I will not use my kids as possible encouragements to keep her sober.
I wouldn't feel sorry for Grandma at all and perhaps on a little for the Aunt
if she chooses to let Grandma's wishes dictate what she does. I agree with you you should not attend even if your Mom cancels at the last minute. You might be the voice of reason that at least your Aunt might hold on to sometime in the future.

Just enjoy the ILs and keep your kids safe.

[Miss Tequila]

Nov 18, 2012 14:29:44 GMT -5 swamp said:

Your mom feakin shot your dad!!! And now everyone wants you to carry on like it didn't happen. You aren't the crazy one.

totally agree with swamp on this one...i mean, holy shit, what does someone have to do for grandma and aunt to stop being enablers??? FFS, she SHOT him!

[❤ mollymouser ❤]

Nov 18, 2012 12:13:33 GMT -5 Jaguar said:

Nov 18, 2012 11:49:12 GMT -5 Empire the P.A. said:

I don't think you are the crazy one. More like the smart normal one surrounded by crazy. Do not make yourself feel any guilt in refusing to take part in what you know will be stressful and will most likely turn ugly. You know your family dynamics and it's perfectly reasonable to want to keep your children safe from it.

I agree

Agreed.

[NancysSummerSip]

FFS, she SHOT him!

And who's to say mom won't get wasted and decide to try and finish the job after dinner? Or just pull out her trusty .38 Special and take aim at the turkey?

I'm not trying to be funny here. Holidays have a way of bringing out really bad feelings in people. So does alcohol. Combine the two, add a nice but clueless enabler and it's just disaster.

[Apple]

You are most definitely the sane one. You're trying to keep you children out of harms way. I can pretty much guarantee if you went and dear old mom pulled out a gun, responses would be "WTF were you thinking, you know she's dangerous, why in the world would you expose your children to that knowing it's a (not so remote) possibility?? You're an idiot!" I've never been in your situation, but I have refused to allow my (now ex) MIL around my son without supervision because of the harm she caused him in the past. I don't give a crap if it's "family", your children need you to make the best decision for them.

[Deleted]

Nov 18, 2012 13:50:05 GMT -5 Happy prose said:

I'm surprised your grandma wants her there.

Because Grandma is Mom's mother. Mothers will keep on trying and hoping. Kids might get fed up and recognize that one or both parents are toxic and to be avoided at all costs. That's rarely the case with parents.

It wouldn't surprise me to hear that Geena's aunt and uncle don't want them there, either, but that they've been invited because of Grandma.

Hang in there, Geena. You aren't the crazy one. However, if your parents bail on the invitation, maybe you could rearrange your plans to include being there. Your parents bailing would be a big hurt to Grandma, but to not have you there, either, would be really hard for her. I'm a gramma; I know these things

BTW, Geena, nice to see you again. Gramma you!