muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 20, 2012 16:19:26 GMT -5
Do you think all the other slacker husbands wore big signs that said "I'm going to be a sucky husband, don't marry me"?::makes mental note to check garage for hidden slacker signs::
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Bob Ross
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Post by Bob Ross on Nov 20, 2012 17:09:01 GMT -5
I read so much about how you get no sleep, can become disconnected and resent your partner, not have sex for months/, etc. And you're spot on with your assumptions, not to mention the infinity dollars that college is soon gonna cost. And don't let the breeders here convince you otherwise. Misery loves company.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Nov 21, 2012 9:51:43 GMT -5
DS is 20 months. The first 12 months were the most challenging of my entire life. I wouldn't trade him or the experience for anything. Everything was put through the ringer and his sheer existence has made me a better person.
On another note, thanks for the reminder to take my BCP.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 21, 2012 10:11:29 GMT -5
My DH wasn't a slacker when we were dating, actually just the opposite. He had a job, was going to school, his apartment was neater than mine, and he did half of the wedding planning. But things happened, he fell into a rut, and I did what I had to do to make sure my children had a grown up for a father. I still find it odd you so enjoy looking down on others. Do you think all the other slacker husbands wore big signs that said "I'm going to be a sucky husband, don't marry me"? Your situation isn't uncommon. It is only by luck or because you two aren't that fertile that you didn't end up pregnant while he was busy being a slacker. HEADSHOT!!!!!
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 21, 2012 10:22:17 GMT -5
My husband was a slacker when I met him. He has improved greatly.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Nov 21, 2012 14:42:06 GMT -5
My DH wasn't a slacker when we were dating, actually just the opposite. He had a job, was going to school, his apartment was neater than mine, and he did half of the wedding planning. But things happened, he fell into a rut, and I did what I had to do to make sure my children had a grown up for a father. I still find it odd you so enjoy looking down on others. Do you think all the other slacker husbands wore big signs that said "I'm going to be a sucky husband, don't marry me"? Your situation isn't uncommon. It is only by luck or because you two aren't that fertile that you didn't end up pregnant while he was busy being a slacker. Yes, I suppose. But I also didn't tolerate this behavior for 5-10 years, intentionally get pregnant, and then try to get the guy change a pattern I had created when I'm awash in pregnancy hormones and he is dealing with the emotions that come with fatherhood. The real question is why is this the norm? Why is it so common for couples to not bother to deal with something that causes so much marital dissatisfaction until it is too late? When I talk to my coworkers, most of the women say that marriage is like an adoption and they do everything while most of the men say they have no control over their lives. And judging from the number of divorcees I work with, it is pretty obvious neither the men nor the women are particularly happy with the mother/child dynamic. But for some reason, it is considered taboo to bring up division of housework until you are planning the wedding, and many couples just march into the mother/child dynamic without giving any thought to how much trouble it will cause once children enter the picture. I don't get it.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Nov 21, 2012 14:57:14 GMT -5
I still find it odd you so enjoy looking down on others. Do you think all the other slacker husbands wore big signs that said "I'm going to be a sucky husband, don't marry me"? Your situation isn't uncommon. It is only by luck or because you two aren't that fertile that you didn't end up pregnant while he was busy being a slacker. Yes, I suppose. But I also didn't tolerate this behavior for 5-10 years, intentionally get pregnant, and then try to get the guy change a pattern I had created when I'm awash in pregnancy hormones and he is dealing with the emotions that come with fatherhood. Ok. First, you have admitted you guys were trying to get pregnant. Had you gotten pregnant, then you would have intentionally gotten pregnant. You keep using your non-pregnancy as a point in your favor, when really it was just luck. Second, why are you talking about tolerating it for 5-10 years? Who said anything about that? Maybe you are thinking of a specific situation or something, but your original post said you don't get why women marry slackers if they want kids. You keep absolutely ignoring your own experience & harshly judging others. YOU MARRIED A SLACKER!!! Stop acting like you don't understand how that could possibly happen or that your husband is somehow special because he only became a slacker after the wedding vows. Your judgement of others just continues to astound me, when in reality you should know & understand exactly how this happens to women. There, but for the grace of God goes you! You ended up married to a slacker, happened to not get pregnant through luck, & were lucky that he managed to step up when asked. You are not fucking different or special. Your circumstances just turned out slightly different. Get off your fucking high horse.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 21, 2012 15:04:39 GMT -5
In my circle, it isn't the norm. But then my circle is has a wide range of people ranging from retireees to newly married people in their 20s with no kids. In real life, I don't hang out with a lot of people with young children. There is only one relationship of people that I am close to where the husband gets away with doing very very little and his wife gets pissy with him. Fortunately for them, they don't have young kids (and won't as they are in their late 40s, been married 6.5 years).
I think everyone would get sick of me talking about my DH if I went around everyday talking about how much he does around the house. There has never been a time where he has "slacked" because he could. If he needed a little bit of a break because of a heavy workload at work or because of pain issues once he became a SAHP, I stepped up. When I need more of a break, he steps up. We work hard to tag team things so that we don't get burned out. Since I only seriously dated one other person besides my DH and he was just as anal retentive about his space as my DH, I've never been in a relationship where the mother/child dynamic comes into play. I've also had extremely healthy relationships to look at as guides in my life. My parents relationship is certainly not a mother/child. No my dad does not do housework. But he also works 6 days week doing a job he loves. Once my mom's dad retired, he took over most of the housework from my Grandma. My dad's parents had a farm which took everyone working hard to keep it running. Maybe hard work just runs in our family. Who knows? My DS already has chores to do and it gets enforced. On cleaning day, he has to/gets to help DH. Not doing your part isn't an option in our house no matter who you are (and if we could, we would train our dogs to do some chores too - although part of their job is to be guard dogs and they do manage to do that pretty well).
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Chocolate Lover
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Post by Chocolate Lover on Nov 21, 2012 15:34:55 GMT -5
apparently, my 6 year old missed this memo, becausae once a week he gets up in the middle of the night, wanders into our room and wants to chat.Buy him a Furby. I had one in the 90's and it would wake up in the middle of the night wanting to talk ALL THE TIME. I finally removed its batteries. The new ones you can teach to speak English. He can have unlimited conversations with it till the batteries run out. My son's Furby spoke to him after I took it's batteries out.
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moneymaven
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Post by moneymaven on Nov 23, 2012 11:22:23 GMT -5
Furby's are possessed little critters! I hate those things!!
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 23, 2012 17:23:10 GMT -5
You don't have your bedroom door locked? Once my kids were out of the crib as in mobile, that door was shut and locked for me/us. They had to knock. Geez, I wouldn't want to be interrupted from sleep or sex.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 23, 2012 17:27:10 GMT -5
We don't have a bedroom door. The way our house is set up the whole top floor is our master. You just walk up the steps and into the bedroom.
When we switched DD from a crib to a toddler bed I told her she was not allowed to get out of bed without one of us. She has never come upstairs and only gone into the living room a couple of times without us. She doesn't even call when she gets awake in the morning. She just hangs out until we figure out she's awake.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 23, 2012 17:33:19 GMT -5
Oh, my. I'm assuming DD will be the ONLY!
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GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl
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"How you win matters." Ender, Ender's Game
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Post by GRG a/k/a goldenrulegirl on Nov 23, 2012 20:27:44 GMT -5
Yup. Having kids is a crap shoot. It is always amazing to me how the gene pool plays out. So, if having a kid with medical issues, learning disabilities, birth defects, etc. isn't a child you could want or love, then don't have kids. And, if you don't think you could handle having a kid who might be born 100% healthy but later develop juvenile diabetes or cancer or fall off his/her bunk bed and suffer a traumatic brain injury, then don't have kids.
On the other hand, if you truly want to give love and receive love, have a child. If you sincerely want to care about someone else more than yourself, then have a child. If you want to have the richest, most extreme, emotional life possible, then have a child.
There are simply no guarantees in life, not even with a solid, stable marriage. Yet you got married. You must have some sort of faith/optimism to have married. You need the same sort of faith/optimism multiplied tenfold to have a child.
<<<<<----from a parent who has seen some of the lowest lows of parenting and yet whose brain's highly selective memory recalls only the tiniest yet most beautiful highs that instantly bring a smile and a warm feeling all over my body. I've learned to say, and to wholeheartedly believe, that "it's all good". Unfortunately, I am soon faced with watching my children take flight and leave to start their own life journey. I have been both honored and blessed to have shared these past years with them and I will miss them terribly. But, I WILL be pushing them with love and optimism as they lean over the edge. ;D
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Nov 23, 2012 20:39:03 GMT -5
Oh, my. I'm assuming DD will be the ONLY! KGB just had a DS a few months ago.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 23, 2012 21:56:06 GMT -5
Eek, I can't even pee in front of a cat that's watching me. No way could I have sex if a kid could just walk in on me!
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 24, 2012 9:17:19 GMT -5
Eek, I can't even pee in front of a cat that's watching me. No way could I have sex if a kid could just walk in on me! Eh, my son was out of the crib for 6 months before he realized he could get out of bed. Even now, he doesn't just wander the house in the middle of the night. Once he is asleep, he is out. Not really a big deal. Of course, my DH sleeps on the couch anyway and we've had sex like 5 times this entire years. Some kids just aren't wanderers. I'll worry about it more when he is in elementary school, but he's not even 3 yet. If does come wake me up in the middle of the night, I assume he has a good reason.
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kgb18
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Post by kgb18 on Nov 24, 2012 17:44:12 GMT -5
Yes. And he will be the last. Of course, DD was still in her crib when DS was conceived so that wasn't an issue. Rest assured that our next house will have a master bedroom with a door, for a variety of reasons.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 24, 2012 20:32:00 GMT -5
I was thinking about this thread today. One thing I didn't mention is that while having a child really stressed our marriage in the end it made it deeper. We feel like a family, a unit, in a way we didn't before. DH and I are united and working hard to be good parents to DS. So while some of the romance is gone it's been replaced with something that feels a lot more profound. At the same time parenting arguments hurt more than any other arguments we've ever had - it's hard when you both feel like something is best for your child and can't understand when your partner doesn't agree.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 24, 2012 20:37:53 GMT -5
;D ;D ;D
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