ontrack
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Post by ontrack on Nov 16, 2012 16:16:45 GMT -5
I didn't want to hijack MJ's thread, but a lot of what I read there and on other threads is scaring me to death about having kids. I read so much about how you get no sleep, can become disconnected and resent your partner, not have sex for months/, etc. I really enjoy spending time with my husband and I think our relationship is great, why would I want to potentially jeopardize that? Kids seem like such a crapshoot--you can do everything right and still they end up hopelessly screwed up. He's fine with never having kids, but I still want to leave the door open (i.e. no permanent birth control). No real question, just a huge issue we're currently struggling with...
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 16, 2012 16:20:21 GMT -5
I have no answers, but am right there with ya. DH really wants kids, but says he's also OK not having kids (though I think he says this in the event we have trouble TTC - I'm not sure he'd be as OK if we didn't have kids just because I didn't want them. If that makes any sense.) I do NOT handle sleep deprivation well... at all. I'm funny for a day or two and then I turn into a crying, frazzled mess. I wish I had a magic 8 ball that could give me the answer... or some ability to look 10 years into the future with kids/without kids... Barring that, it really is a crapshoot. Sorry I have no answers! (But if you find the answer - let me know!)
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 16, 2012 16:23:16 GMT -5
I realize I may get flamed, but something to remember is that having "biological" children is a completely selfish act. The ONLY reason to do it is because you are getting something out of it. If you don't think you'll get something out of it which outweighs what it might cost you (monetarily, but more importantly emotionally, psychologically, etc) then there's no reason to have them. If there's much chance that having kids might ruin a perfectly good relationship, don't do it. Or consider adoption, you probably get more sleep and get to have more sex.
In case anyone reads the "selfish" thing as a negative, the wife and I are probably going to have kids, i don't think having kids is bad. I'm just pointing out that you're not doing something "good" by having kids and "bad" by not. The only real reason to do it is because you think you'll get some benefit from it, usually an emotional one.
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ontrack
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Post by ontrack on Nov 16, 2012 16:23:36 GMT -5
The sleep deprivation thing is a big problem for me too. I do not function well with less than 7-8 hours; I'm very irritable. We'll see how it goes. DH is 40 and says if we do have kids, he doesn't want to wait too long because he doesn't want to be one of those old dads. I'm 30 and haven't heard the clock ticking yet.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 16, 2012 16:24:53 GMT -5
It is a crap shoot. And it depends on the kid. And your spouse. DH and I would be in much different place if we only had DD. To be honest, it was the 2nd pregnancy and bfing that did me in. We love DS and don't regret him but can honestly acknowledge that DD spoiled us in how to handle kids.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 16:25:07 GMT -5
Kids are great. Kids suck. I can't imagine not having kids. Life would suck. I can imagine living a great life without kids.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Nov 16, 2012 16:26:04 GMT -5
Kids are great. Kids suck. I can't imagine not having kids. Life would suck. I can imagine living a great life without kids. That pretty much sums it up.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Nov 16, 2012 16:26:40 GMT -5
::The sleep deprivation thing is a big problem for me too. I do not function well with less than 7-8 hours; I'm very irritable.::
You can solve this by altering your lifestyle if you really wanted to. Kids will sleep 7-8 hours easily. The problem is that if you only schedule yourself for 7-8 hours, some of that time will be up with the baby. So schedule 7 hours, then tack on another 3 to account for being up with the kid.
I realize this causes another issue of basically being up, working, eating, and sleeping with little social time during the week. I'm just saying if that's the only real worry, there are ways to account for it.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 16, 2012 16:27:08 GMT -5
Holy shit I agree with Hoops again. ::Checks to see if there is a full moon tonight:: As for the sleep deprivation, it's hell when you go thru it but it doesn't last forever. And you do find you can "function" on a lot less sleep than you thought possible. I use quotations because I am pretty sure I had no business driving during the first three monhts of Gwen's life. I had days where I was in the parking lot but didn't remember the drive to work. I love Gwen, she is the light of my life. I can't imagine not having her in my life. All the crap that has come with being a parent has been worth it. That being said there are days I wonder WTF was I thinking? I should have had my tubes tied when I was 18.
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Sam_2.0
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Post by Sam_2.0 on Nov 16, 2012 16:29:33 GMT -5
mid - I love my sleep. I would take a nap every day when I got home from work before I had DD, and still sleep well every night. I don't do well waking up in the middle of the night either. Everyone told me it would be different when I had my own kid and I didn't believe it. But it really, truly, was. Even in the beginning when I was up 2-3 times a night, somehow I still managed to function during the day.
Its not a guarantee that you will be depressed or have sex issues. I think more people shoul go into it knowing that's a real possibility, and have a game plan to address the issues instead of just ignoring & hoping they go away. They do pre-marital counseling at a lot of churches, and I REALLY think they should do pre-parental counseling.
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Nov 16, 2012 16:31:10 GMT -5
I have no answers, but am right there with ya. DH really wants kids, but says he's also OK not having kids (though I think he says this in the event we have trouble TTC - I'm not sure he'd be as OK if we didn't have kids just because I didn't want them. If that makes any sense.) DF is the same way, pretty sure. We both want kids, but I think he'd be okay not having them if one of us were sterile. I'd have to think really hard about it, but off the cuff I'd probably want to adopt. I think having kids is going to suck and be worth it at the same time.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 16, 2012 16:31:29 GMT -5
I didn't want to hijack MJ's thread, but a lot of what I read there and on other threads is scaring me to death about having kids. I read so much about how you get no sleep, can become disconnected and resent your partner, not have sex for months/, etc. I really enjoy spending time with my husband and I think our relationship is great, why would I want to potentially jeopardize that? Kids seem like such a crapshoot--you can do everything right and still they end up hopelessly screwed up. He's fine with never having kids, but I still want to leave the door open (i.e. no permanent birth control). No real question, just a huge issue we're currently struggling with... To me, kids are the hardest and most rewarding part of my life. I cannot describe how hard it is to be a parents, but I also can't describe how incredible it is helping this little boy grow and soon to have a baby girl to join him. There is nothing like it. Yes, having a baby is hard on a marriage. Drama has a quote that says having a baby is like a bomb going off in the middle of your marriage. You can prepare for it, but you still have to deal with the aftermath. But the time where kids really screw up your marriage/love life is so comparatively short. I hope to be married to my DH for 40+ years (probably won't reach the 60+ that my grandparents did because my DH was 40 when we married). 3 years of things being rough because of kids is so small in the grand scheme of things. In some ways having kids has brought DH and closer. We now have this link between us that will never go away. We look at DS and wonder how in the world did we get so lucky to have this amazing little boy be ours. We go to the ultrasounds on DD and we get to see her and see how much she has grown and how soon she will be here. You will worry about things you never thought you would. You will become incredibly obsessed with someone else's poop for several years and the simplest phrases will have you rolling on the floor laughing or crying because of how sweet they are. But if you don't want them, don't have them.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 16, 2012 16:32:41 GMT -5
Its not a guarantee that you will be depressed or have sex issues. I think more people shoul go into it knowing that's a real possibility, and have a game plan to address the issues instead of just ignoring & hoping they go away. They do pre-marital counseling at a lot of churches, and I REALLY think they should do pre-parental counseling I really liked the book Babyproofing your Marriage beacuse it isn't a happy sunshine and unicorn farts type of baby book. It explains being married can suck, being married with kids can REALLY suck. And you know what, that is normal and okay. Here is how you can navigate it. So while it was upsetting that DH and I were so exhausted we nearly got in a fist fight over who did hte laundry, I was able to step back and remind myself the book talks about this. It doesn't mean anything is wrong with our marriage, it means we are exhausted. So instead of looking for a divorce lawyer or punching each other let's take a nap.
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telephus44
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Post by telephus44 on Nov 16, 2012 16:34:24 GMT -5
It's different for everyone. No one has it easy, but please don't assume that what you hear about is what will happen. DH and I still had sex once a week while I was pregnant and now even twice a week and the baby is 5 months. I sleep 6 hours at a shot.
I know that the plural of anecdote is not data, but please don't assume that just because others have had horrible experiences that you will too, necessarily. Not everyone gets PPD.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 16:35:23 GMT -5
My wife and I didn't have sex issues either. She didn't want to have sex and I masturbated a lot. No issue there.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 16, 2012 16:35:56 GMT -5
DH and I still had sex once a week while I was pregnant and now even twice a week and the baby is 5 months. I sleep 6 hours at a shot.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 16:36:25 GMT -5
Kids will sleep 7-8 hours easily The sleep deprivation usually comes because even if you are sleeping 7-8 hours total you've probably woken up 4 times in the middle of that and fed and changed a diaper. It's the lack of long sleep rather the time spent sleeping that really does you in. Kids are worth it. DS is freakin' awesome. We did however stop at one because another one would have caused us to divorce, or go crazy, or both. From my perspective every kid you add to the household ups the crazy/unhappy level. Unless you are one of those families where mom and dad completely adore kids are all about the children.
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Post by illinicheme on Nov 16, 2012 16:40:21 GMT -5
I'm currently pregnant with our first. Going to squeak this one in right before the "advanced maternal age" cutoff.
Up until about age 30, the idea of having kids could put me into stress-induced tears. A big part of the problem was a fear of labor/delivery and the fear of the much higher burden on the woman in general (thanks to both biology and society). (I'm the main breadwinner.) If I was male, I probably would have been a lot more positive earlier about having kids.
I never felt the clock ticking, but DH wanted kids, and I finally got to a point were I felt like I would regret not trying to have a kid more than I would regret having a kid. (That sounds terrible.) But what I mean is that, imaging the positives of an adult family down the road, I finally got to a point where I was willing to try one kid and see how it goes, figuring that I could get through the infant years somehow. ;D At the end of the day it took us nearly two years to get pregnant, so it was weird (after taking so long to decide to go for it) to face the possibility of "oh nevermind - maybe no kids would be fine."
I'm still a little apprehensive, but fortunately have had a very easy pregnancy so far. I'm sure we're in for quite the roller coaster ride over the next couple of years. But it's been fun getting to plan for something new and outside our normal routine. And seeing our friends' (most w/ kids) excitement as we announce our news has been very encouraging and helped to build our excitement.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 16, 2012 16:41:12 GMT -5
mid - I love my sleep. I would take a nap every day when I got home from work before I had DD, and still sleep well every night. I don't do well waking up in the middle of the night either. Everyone told me it would be different when I had my own kid and I didn't believe it. But it really, truly, was. Even in the beginning when I was up 2-3 times a night, somehow I still managed to function during the day. Its not a guarantee that you will be depressed or have sex issues. I think more people shoul go into it knowing that's a real possibility, and have a game plan to address the issues instead of just ignoring & hoping they go away. They do pre-marital counseling at a lot of churches, and I REALLY think they should do pre-parental counseling. I love sleep and pre-DS definately needed 7-8hrs a night. I'm also a deep sleeper. Pre-DS the only thing that would wake me up at night was my dog. Now the only thing that wakes me up at night is DS. You truly learn to manage and in the long run it is a short period of time. It doesn't feel like it at the time (trust me and I'm slightly freaking out about going through it again in the very very near future), but it does go fast.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 16:41:24 GMT -5
Congrats on your pregnancy!
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Nov 16, 2012 16:42:54 GMT -5
The women I shake my head at are the ones who think that having a baby will improve their marriage. This I can agree with.
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 16, 2012 16:44:15 GMT -5
I don't remember being super anxious about this with DS, but this time I'm looking forward to this part. WIth DS and so far with this baby, L&D is far easier than being pregnant or the first year.
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busymom
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Post by busymom on Nov 16, 2012 16:51:57 GMT -5
I would NEVER recommend having a baby if your marriage is already in trouble. But, on the other hand, couples with no children can put too much of themselves into their careers, and lose that "spark" too, so you can't blame that on kids. Kids kind of force you to "grow up". DH & I used to work crazy-long hours. We were very impulsive with our social life (we'd decide at the last minute to go out with friends, for example). In spite of the fact that our youngest has a learning disability, I wouldn't have missed it. Being a mom is something that cannot be explained. You've gotta raise a child to understand the highs & lows. For me personally, it was totally worth it. Much more rewarding than any job I've ever had.
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Formerly SK
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Post by Formerly SK on Nov 16, 2012 16:52:39 GMT -5
Kids are great. Kids suck. I can't imagine not having kids. Life would suck. I can imagine living a great life without kids. I could write a book on the miseries and joys of having kids, but I think Archie pretty much summed it up.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 16, 2012 16:53:26 GMT -5
Wow... the similarities are eerie (except I'm still in the first paragraph ) DH is all on board with kids. I've told him that if all I had to do was hold his hair back while he puked, rub his feet, and change some diapers, I'd be on board, too. (Not to say that he wouldn't be a 100% supportive parent - but he can't carry the baby for 9 months, or go through labor, or breastfeed, or go to work in my place...) I have zero doubt that if he COULD do those things for me, he would, but of course he can't. I also worry that once I finally psych myself up for it, I won't be able to conceive for whatever reason. Which would be a lot worse than just never trying. (Thank you for starting this thread, ontrack - and thanks to everyone who's responded.)
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ontrack
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Post by ontrack on Nov 16, 2012 17:01:22 GMT -5
See I kind of feel the opposite about the not trying vs. infertility thing, Mid. If we did try, I don't think I'd be up for any infertility treatments. So therefore if I didn't get pregnant "naturally", I'd kind of feel like that was God telling me we shouldn't have kids after all. Obviously I don't believe that for everyone else who has fertility issues, just my fence-sitting self.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 16, 2012 17:04:48 GMT -5
I feel the same way - I'm just afraid that when we reach the point of trying, I will have psyched myself up so much that I'd end up really disappointed I couldn't have kids. Which would be pretty ironic. DH does not want to adopt. He says he doesn't want to have "a" kid, he wants "our" kid. I am open to adoption but not if he's not. He is open to fertility treatments, but I'm really not. So I'm guessing it's gonna be the old-fashioned way or nothing at all...
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Nov 16, 2012 17:06:54 GMT -5
The way I managed the sleep thing was to feed baby around 8 pm, go to sleep, EX stayed up until next feeding, usually between 11-12, and then I did the next one, so I got sleep from maybe 8 until 3 or so. Then I went back to sleep and he got the 5-6 am one. By the next time of feeding I was okay and okay for the day even. If I needed to nap, I did but not long after school started again so I was on a system that worked for me. DD was a good sleeping baby, DS not so much.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Nov 16, 2012 19:24:47 GMT -5
Another fence-sitter here. Mostly I just feel that a kid would just add more responsibility and more duties to my life. While DH is great, I feel that a kid would just add more and more things to my to-do list while DH still sits around and putzes on the computer, watches TV, plays X-Box, etc. I probably don't give him enough credit, but he basically doesn't do any of the inside chores at all. So instead of me coming home from work, cooking dinner, eating dinner, cleaning up from dinner, feeding dogs, letting dogs out, doing laundry, picking up house, etc., I would have to add in picking up kid from daycare, feeding kid, changing kid, entertaining kid, bathing kid, putting kid to sleep, etc. in addition to everything else. And with DH and 4 dogs - I just don't think I can take on any more responsibility! Ok, that was more of a rant than anything! Sorry! But I just don't know if the pros outweigh the cons. Sure, having a kid might be the greatest thing in the world, but if it costs me my sanity or my love for/marriage to DH, I don't know if that is worth it.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 16, 2012 20:11:57 GMT -5
I realize I may get flamed, but something to remember is that having "biological" children is a completely selfish act. The ONLY reason to do it is because you are getting something out of it. If you don't think you'll get something out of it which outweighs what it might cost you (monetarily, but more importantly emotionally, psychologically, etc) then there's no reason to have them. If there's much chance that having kids might ruin a perfectly good relationship, don't do it. Or consider adoption, you probably get more sleep and get to have more sex. In case anyone reads the "selfish" thing as a negative, the wife and I are probably going to have kids, i don't think having kids is bad. I'm just pointing out that you're not doing something "good" by having kids and "bad" by not. The only real reason to do it is because you think you'll get some benefit from it, usually an emotional one. Heh. Spoken like someone who didn't need an FBI check in order to be a parent.
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