kid dilemma

[jaya3300]

Nov 16, 2012 16:16:45 GMT -5 ontrack said:

I didn't want to hijack MJ's thread, but a lot of what I read there and on other threads is scaring me to death about having kids. I read so much about how you get no sleep, can become disconnected and resent your partner, not have sex for months/, etc. I really enjoy spending time with my husband and I think our relationship is great, why would I want to potentially jeopardize that? Kids seem like such a crapshoot--you can do everything right and still they end up hopelessly screwed up. He's fine with never having kids, but I still want to leave the door open (i.e. no permanent birth control). No real question, just a huge issue we're currently struggling with...

that's probably why we won't have kids

[midjd]

and have learned that you can make the older ones take care of the younger ones,

LOL, that may be one reason I'm still on the fence! I have changed a LOT of diapers in my life...

[Malarky]

There have been other threads recently lamenting/blasting the good old days.
Back then, we assumed that most of us would get married and have kids.
Mine are teens. I wanted them, I planned them, I was not YM ready to have them . Whatever...
Sometimes I come to these boards and think that you're overthinking things.
Yes, kids are a tradeoff. BC (before kids) we got together with our friends and went to bars and concerts and stuff like that. Then we had kids and we got together and did potluck dinners and the kids ran rampant and had a great time. The kids are older and we're getting back to having a life of our own.
There were days, months...when my kids were young when I didn't love DH and he didn't love me. It was just so hard. But we never forgot who we were and why we ended up together in the first place. And we have these fabulous kids, and that history and we really do belong together.
As teenagers, my kids are the best and worst of DH and I.
And amazingly brilliant people all on their own. I think we done good.

[Deleted]

Nov 16, 2012 16:23:16 GMT -5 hoops902 said:

I realize I may get flamed, but something to remember is that having "biological" children is a completely selfish act. The ONLY reason to do it is because you are getting something out of it. If you don't think you'll get something out of it which outweighs what it might cost you (monetarily, but more importantly emotionally, psychologically, etc) then there's no reason to have them. If there's much chance that having kids might ruin a perfectly good relationship, don't do it. Or consider adoption, you probably get more sleep and get to have more sex.

In case anyone reads the "selfish" thing as a negative, the wife and I are probably going to have kids, i don't think having kids is bad. I'm just pointing out that you're not doing something "good" by having kids and "bad" by not. The only real reason to do it is because you think you'll get some benefit from it, usually an emotional one.

[Peace Of Mind]

I agree with Hoops and get so tired of people saying those that don't want/have kids are selfish. I guess I just don't think we are so special we need to reproduce. But mostly it's this:

"Kids kind of force you to "grow up". DH & I used to work crazy-long hours. We were very impulsive with our social life (we'd decide at the last minute to go out with friends, for example)."

I don't want to grow up (I had to grow up fast as a kid) and I like being impulsive now and then. And I would kill somebody if I didn't get enough sleep so I look at it as I'm saving lives by NOT reproducing.

[swamp]

I have 2 kids. I'm still on the fence as to whether I want kids.

[Peace Of Mind]

Nov 16, 2012 22:04:41 GMT -5 swamp said:

I have 2 kids. I'm still on the fence as to whether I want kids.

LMAO!!!

[giramomma]

All kids are different. My first two slept for 12 hours by 2.5 months. This one, not so much. My other two kids didn't walk until 14 months. This one will likely be walking by 9.

People have different reasons for resentment in marriage. The things I resent my husband for have nothing to do with kids. They have to do with the consequences of his addiction. My husband was an addict before we started dating. The tiredness from my third has triggered me back to resenting my husband. But, the issue is my husband bringing addiction to our marriage.

I think, at least for us, when we had kids the additional stress of kids really simply exposed/emphasized the other stressors in our lives.

I haven't gotten a raise in 6 years. This isn't the first time I've gone years without a raise, and the first time we went through financial strains, we didn't have kids.

Marriages/relationships change regardless if you have kids or not.

Would my life be less complicated if I didn't have kids? Of course. Would I have more money to put towards goals and more time to pursue my interests. Of course.

Are my kids the root of every stressor in my life. Absolutely not.

I don't think people are selfish if they don't want to have kids. Rather, I think people who have kids are selfish. It's a selfish act to do something purely just because you want to.

[Peace Of Mind]

I only think it's selfish when people have kids when they really don't want them and stick them in the system or with other family members (not counting emergency/unforeseen circumstances). Those of you that have children have the toughest job in the world IMO and you all have my utmost respect. I was a step parent for 6 years and it's not for the weak.

[Formerly SK]

I think, at least for us, when we had kids the additional stress of kids really simply exposed/emphasized the other stressors in our lives.

I think this is very true. Every couple has weaknesses or struggles. For example, DH is a slob. He always has been. When we were DINKs living in an apartment it didn't matter as we just hired a housekeeper. Now that there are kids and our finances are more stretched (and we are homeowners with added work) the fact that he's a slob bothers me MUCH more. We have to continually work on finding a balance that satisfies both of us.

[busymom]

POM, are you a Toys R Us Kid? ("I don't wanna grow up..." )


Actually, I think being a step parent would be incredibly tough. Especially when a kid is sassing you..."You're NOT MY MOTHER!" It's amazing as many take on the responsibility. (Biological kids are sassy enough!)

[lynnerself]

I never was a big baby or kid fan.
But DH and I came from loving traditional families and I could not envision going forward into old age without the sort of life and traditions my parents had.

So as I approached 30 I stared wanting them.

And I was totally unprepared for the depth of feeling you have for your own child.
There have been times when it was hell and some times when it was pretty good. But I wouldn't do it any other way.

DD and DS (25 and 27) are due home for Thanksgiving this week.
That's what I mean about family traditions.

[InsertCoolName]

When in doubt, don't.

I've got 5 kids. This past week has been total HELL!!! I didn't like having to be mom this past week. It was too stressful and scary and I really am just worn down.

I'm pretty sure something will happen today or this week that will change my mind, and I realize that being their momma is worth it all.

I do wonder where and who I would be if I didn't have my children. But never for very long. Because where you are is exactly where you should be.

[Miss Tequila]

Nov 16, 2012 21:59:35 GMT -5 Peace Of Mind said:

I agree with Hoops and get so tired of people saying those that don't want/have kids are selfish. I guess I just don't think we are so special we need to reproduce. But mostly it's this:

"Kids kind of force you to "grow up". DH & I used to work crazy-long hours. We were very impulsive with our social life (we'd decide at the last minute to go out with friends, for example)."

I don't want to grow up (I had to grow up fast as a kid) and I like being impulsive now and then. And I would kill somebody if I didn't get enough sleep so I look at it as I'm saving lives by NOT reproducing.

I disagree, POM...I think the selfish ones are the ones that don't want kids and have them anyway for one reason or another.

[Deleted]

The sleep deprivation, being tired, having no time, being a single parent, even the 98 days in the NICU, etc they are all worth it when I see my son smile. I am so in love with my son. But being a parent is not for everyone. The best is to realize this BEFORE you have kids.

[happyhoix]

Nov 19, 2012 16:40:02 GMT -5 @bunnysmom said:

But being a parent is not for everyone. The best is to realize this BEFORE you have kids.

To be honest, to be a really great mom or dad you have to be, to some degree, selfless. You have to be ok with having a kid spit up on your business suit, ok with spending your vacation money going to Disney rather than an adult cruise, with spending your evenings helping with homework, doing crazy amounts of laundry, fussing about messy rooms or bad grades, packing lunches, etc.

I've known some not-so-good parents, and they were people who felt obligated, by society, to do the whole married with children thing, but who really begrudged the kids for all the time and attention and money they sucked out of their lives. Who held it against their kid every time the kid got sick, or needed a costume for the school play, or asked for money, or needed a ride somewhere.

You need to be honest with yourself. There is nothing at all wrong with remaining childless. There is a lot wrong with having a kid because you feel like someone else expects you to.

And yes, especially in the first couple years they do suck a lot of energy out of your life. But they reward you in ways that I can't really describe. I certainly don't regret being mom to my DS. But I am also very happy that DS is 23, has a good job, lives on his own, and DH and I are now empty nesters. Man that boy was messy ;D

[kgb18]

Kids are great. Kids suck. I can't imagine not having kids. Life would suck. I can imagine living a great life without kids.

I will not lie. Being a parent is a challenge. There is a time (I'm in it now) where you're life is not your own. Yes I'm tired, trying to get my body back, trying not to lose my mind. But ...

I love my children more than I ever thought I could love another human being. Last week one day my daughter, out of nowhere, came up, threw her arms around my legs and said, "I love you, mommy." Last night I was holding my baby and he just started beaming and me and reaching up for my face. I wouldn't trade those moments for all the sleep in the world. Getting to watch these little creatures grow into people is such an amazing thing.

And I try to remind myself of all of this when one of them pukes on me, when one is crying uncontrollably, when I'm doing 8 loads of kids laundry every week ...

[Deleted]

"You have to be ok with having a kid spit up on your business suit, ok with spending your vacation money going to Disney rather than an adult cruise, with spending your evenings helping with homework, doing crazy amounts of laundry, fussing about messy rooms or bad grades, packing lunches, etc."

I haven't had the pleasure of experiencing all of these yet but I am looking forward to all of them. Maybe because I was older (35) when I had my son but I just don't see a big deal about anything I need to do for my son. I am happy to do anything/everything.

[Deleted]

"Last night I was holding my baby and he just started beaming and me and reaching up for my face. I wouldn't trade those moments for all the sleep in the world."

That is one of my favorite moments with my son. When he looks at me with adoring eyes and reaching for my face, smiling. Is it time to go home yet?

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

That is one of my favorite moments with my son. When he looks at me with adoring eyes and reaching for my face, smiling.

Wait till he is reaching up to try and yank your hair out. Suddenly I understood the appeal of "mom hair".

[Lizard Queen]

Nov 20, 2012 11:56:48 GMT -5 NomoreDramaQ1015 said:

That is one of my favorite moments with my son. When he looks at me with adoring eyes and reaching for my face, smiling.

Wait till he is reaching up to try and yank your hair out. Suddenly I understood the appeal of "mom hair".

And then they turn 2, and they decide it would be fun to reach up and try to touch your eyeball...

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

Or try to shove their finger up your nose. She managed to give me a nosebleed.

[Formerly SK]

Mine are in grade school. Currently my 6yo DD is obsessed with the Mamma Mia soundtrack and sings it non-stop. Except she doesn't know half the words so she just sings gibberish.

Even the hard stuff, like DS's autism, have their small moments where you are overwhelmed with joy. He has really blossomed this year (2nd grade) and spent an hour with me last night going through a 10 page maze he had designed complete with color-coded symbols and secret doorways. Now that some of the communication barriers are falling away, I'm just blown away by his brain.

It is easy to focus on the work kids cause. Unfortunately it is also easy to not see all the joy. I think happy parenting it is about deciding to focus on the joy and not so much the work.

[thyme4change]

The sleep deprivation usually comes because even if you are sleeping 7-8 hours total you've probably woken up 4 times in the middle of that and fed and changed a diaper. It's the lack of long sleep rather the time spent sleeping that really does you in.

That really only lasts months - maybe a year or two. Once they get to be that toddler/pre-school age, they sleep all night just about every night. At least mine do. I'm sure you will have people on here who say their kids wake them up 20 times a night and they are 7 - and maybe there are kids that never sleep, but my kids don't interrupt a nights sleep unless something has gone very wrong - maybe once or twice a year. My daughter was coughing the other night, so I got up and put on the humidifier. My son threw up 2 years ago, but I can't remember any other middle of the night interruptions in the last 5 years. I sleep better now than I did before my kids were born, no question!

I think not having kids because you are afraid you will lose a few hours of sleep is pretty short-sighted. I mean, if you don't want kids, don't have them - but the lack of sleep is really only the first year. It is like saying that you don't want to have your dream career because you didn't want to study for finals.


www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/sleep-children

Children 3 and under sleep 14+ hours per day. So, just find 8 or 10 of those hours when you can sleep.
Up until 10 years old, children will sleep up to 10 hours - straight through. So, you should be able to fit in 8 hours of sleep there.
After that - well, they should also be sleeping 8 hours per night - but even if they aren't, you don't have to be awake with them every minute of every day.

[NomoreDramaQ1015]

I think not having kids because you are afraid you will lose a few hours of sleep is pretty short-sighted. I mean, if you don't want kids, don't have them - but the lack of sleep is really only the first year. It is like saying that you don't want to have your dream career because you didn't want to study for finals

[alabamagal]

Pro-kids here. Honestly I can't imagine my life without them. DH and I are now in an adjustment phase of being without kids as two are off at college, and one just finished college and is back at home for now.

I am counting the hours until they are all home (Wednesday evening)

[formerroomate99]

Honestly, if you don't have a burning desire to have children or having children will bankrupt you or drive you crazy, then having children isn't a good idea.

The thing I don't get is why women who know they want to have kids will marry infants or slackers, and then wonder why they don't just magically change once the children come and feel all overwhelmed and resentful because they are doing everything.

[swamp]

Nov 20, 2012 14:12:50 GMT -5 formerroomate99 said:

Honestly, if you don't have a burning desire to have children or having children will bankrupt you or drive you crazy, then having children isn't a good idea.

The thing I don't get is why women who know they want to have kids will marry infants or slackers, and then wonder why they don't just magically change once the children come and feel all overwhelmed and resentful because they are doing everything.

Didn't you tell us before your husband hasn't always been the most helpful guy and was a serious slacker until you threatened to leave?

[swamp]

Nov 20, 2012 12:11:42 GMT -5 thyme4change said:

The sleep deprivation usually comes because even if you are sleeping 7-8 hours total you've probably woken up 4 times in the middle of that and fed and changed a diaper. It's the lack of long sleep rather the time spent sleeping that really does you in.

That really only lasts months - maybe a year or two. Once they get to be that toddler/pre-school age, they sleep all night just about every night. At least mine do. I'm sure you will have people on here who say their kids wake them up 20 times a night and they are 7 - and maybe there are kids that never sleep, but my kids don't interrupt a nights sleep unless something has gone very wrong - maybe once or twice a year. My daughter was coughing the other night, so I got up and put on the humidifier. My son threw up 2 years ago, but I can't remember any other middle of the night interruptions in the last 5 years. I sleep better now than I did before my kids were born, no question!

I think not having kids because you are afraid you will lose a few hours of sleep is pretty short-sighted. I mean, if you don't want kids, don't have them - but the lack of sleep is really only the first year. It is like saying that you don't want to have your dream career because you didn't want to study for finals.


www.webmd.com/parenting/guide/sleep-children

Children 3 and under sleep 14+ hours per day. So, just find 8 or 10 of those hours when you can sleep.
Up until 10 years old, children will sleep up to 10 hours - straight through. So, you should be able to fit in 8 hours of sleep there.
After that - well, they should also be sleeping 8 hours per night - but even if they aren't, you don't have to be awake with them every minute of every day.

apparently, my 6 year old missed this memo, becausae once a week he gets up in the middle of the night, wanders into our room and wants to chat. He's not sick, he's not scadred. he's bored and is looking for conversation.

[thyme4change]

It never occured to me how much I would enjoy having kids. I'm really not a kid person. I rarely go to their school or anything - but boy do I love my own kids.

Of course, my kids are the awesomist.