Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2012 14:34:09 GMT -5
I've found I enjoy other kids less since I had one. All my patience goes to the one I've got.
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2012 14:35:04 GMT -5
I think not having kids because you are afraid you will lose a few hours of sleep is pretty short-sighted. I mean, if you don't want kids, don't have them - but the lack of sleep is really only the first year. It is like saying that you don't want to have your dream career because you didn't want to study for finals Anything worth while is never easy it seems. You take it one day at a time, the rewards are tremendous.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 20, 2012 14:35:13 GMT -5
apparently, my 6 year old missed this memo, becausae once a week he gets up in the middle of the night, wanders into our room and wants to chat.
Buy him a Furby. I had one in the 90's and it would wake up in the middle of the night wanting to talk ALL THE TIME. I finally removed its batteries.
The new ones you can teach to speak English. He can have unlimited conversations with it till the batteries run out.
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lynnerself
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Post by lynnerself on Nov 20, 2012 14:37:37 GMT -5
Mine were 2 years apart and didn't sleep well for the 1st 2 years. So about 4 years of getting up at night.
Now it DH turn. Our old dog gets him up every night for the last several years, and more to come.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 20, 2012 14:39:42 GMT -5
apparently, my 6 year old missed this memo, becausae once a week he gets up in the middle of the night, wanders into our room and wants to chat.Buy him a Furby. I had one in the 90's and it would wake up in the middle of the night wanting to talk ALL THE TIME. I finally removed its batteries. The new ones you can teach to speak English. He can have unlimited conversations with it till the batteries run out. <<asks Santa for a furby>>
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 20, 2012 14:41:47 GMT -5
You are not beating your kids correctly.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 20, 2012 14:42:44 GMT -5
<<sends kids to thyme for an appropriate beating>>
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Nov 20, 2012 14:51:29 GMT -5
apparently, my 6 year old missed this memo, becausae once a week he gets up in the middle of the night, wanders into our room and wants to chat.Buy him a Furby. I had one in the 90's and it would wake up in the middle of the night wanting to talk ALL THE TIME. I finally removed its batteries. The new ones you can teach to speak English. He can have unlimited conversations with it till the batteries run out. My DD's Furby used to do that all the time also! She finally got so mad she came into our room with it outstretched, still talking by the way , and told us to "kill it".
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2012 14:53:19 GMT -5
Well, isnt everything in life a crap shoot? Life is a crap shoot. Marriage is a crap shoot. A career is a crapshoot. There are no guarantees in life. All i can say is that i would NOT want to have lived my life without children.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 20, 2012 14:55:03 GMT -5
It is so creepy to hear "Whee! Play with me!" in the middle of the night. It's creepy when a toy can wake up under its own power and talk to itself.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Nov 20, 2012 14:57:46 GMT -5
Sweet!
{{plays montage of me warming up, set to the music of Eye of the Tiger}}
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Nov 20, 2012 14:57:58 GMT -5
It is so creepy to hear "Whee! Play with me!" in the middle of the night. It's creepy when a toy can wake up under its own power and talk to itself. Oh, I thought that was my husband saying that...........
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 20, 2012 14:59:52 GMT -5
Honestly, if you don't have a burning desire to have children or having children will bankrupt you or drive you crazy, then having children isn't a good idea. The thing I don't get is why women who know they want to have kids will marry infants or slackers, and then wonder why they don't just magically change once the children come and feel all overwhelmed and resentful because they are doing everything. Didn't you tell us before your husband hasn't always been the most helpful guy and was a serious slacker until you threatened to leave? Read my mind! There is a Carl Jung quote about that... something like "everything that irritates us about others tells us something about ourselves."
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2012 15:00:54 GMT -5
I don't understand the notion that a child is in "competition" with the marriage?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 20, 2012 15:01:03 GMT -5
Oh, I thought that was my husband saying that...........
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2012 15:06:32 GMT -5
Another fence-sitter here. Mostly I just feel that a kid would just add more responsibility and more duties to my life. While DH is great, I feel that a kid would just add more and more things to my to-do list while DH still sits around and putzes on the computer, watches TV, plays X-Box, etc. I probably don't give him enough credit, but he basically doesn't do any of the inside chores at all. So instead of me coming home from work, cooking dinner, eating dinner, cleaning up from dinner, feeding dogs, letting dogs out, doing laundry, picking up house, etc., I would have to add in picking up kid from daycare, feeding kid, changing kid, entertaining kid, bathing kid, putting kid to sleep, etc. in addition to everything else. And with DH and 4 dogs - I just don't think I can take on any more responsibility! Ok, that was more of a rant than anything! Sorry! But I just don't know if the pros outweigh the cons. Sure, having a kid might be the greatest thing in the world, but if it costs me my sanity or my love for/marriage to DH, I don't know if that is worth it. This. How is having a child going to "cost" someone their marriage?
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 20, 2012 15:11:44 GMT -5
There has been a huge surge in the notion that especially for women that your child has to come FIRST above everything else.
I can't count how many pregnancy books ranked my husband as about as important as a houseplant once his part of the babymaking was done. Irritated the crap out of me and was a lot of work to find any book that included my DH and didn't give the impression that motherhood was my sole purpose in life at the expense of everything else.
Then I recieved a lot of shocked faces/dirty looks, especially from people my age, when I said my marriage comes FIRST.
Happy marriage = happy parents = happy kid. DH was here first and he'll be here long after Gwen moves out of the house. I don't want to be one of those couples who doesn't recognize each other once the kids leave the roost.
Having kids doesn't cost you your marriage if you don't allow it to. Our marriage is different post kid as opposed ot pre-kid and we've had to make adjustments and there have been some upheavals but the foundation of our marriage was solid before we had a kid. Having a kid doesn't crack the foundation.
However if there are already cracks kids will make them bigger. So if you are afraid that your marriage will be ruined with a kid, it's probably best not to have one.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Nov 20, 2012 15:13:17 GMT -5
Honestly, if you don't have a burning desire to have children or having children will bankrupt you or drive you crazy, then having children isn't a good idea. The thing I don't get is why women who know they want to have kids will marry infants or slackers, and then wonder why they don't just magically change once the children come and feel all overwhelmed and resentful because they are doing everything. Didn't you tell us before your husband hasn't always been the most helpful guy and was a serious slacker until you threatened to leave? Yes. I threatened to leave and was perfectly willing to do so. Thinking and worrying about what would happen if I got pregnant was a big reason why I was so upset at this behavior. Had I waited until I was pregnant to deal with this issue, I wouldn't have had nearly as much leverage and it is pretty likely that I'd be yet another divorced mommy if I had followed the marriage = adoption path.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Nov 20, 2012 15:16:12 GMT -5
There has been a huge surge in the notion that especially for women that your child has to come FIRST above everything else. I can't count how many pregnancy books ranked my husband as about as important as a houseplant once his part of the babymaking was done. Irritated the crap out of me and was a lot of work to find any book that included my DH and didn't give the impression that motherhood was my sole purpose in life at the expense of everything else. Then I recieved a lot of shocked faces/dirty looks, especially from people my age, when I said my marriage comes FIRST. Happy marriage = happy parents = happy kid. DH was here first and he'll be here long after Gwen moves out of the house. I don't want to be one of those couples who doesn't recognize each other once the kids leave the roost. Having kids doesn't cost you your marriage if you don't allow it to. Our marriage is different post kid as opposed ot pre-kid and we've had to make adjustments and there have been some upheavals but the foundation of our marriage was solid before we had a kid. Having a kid doesn't crack the foundation. However if there are already cracks kids will make them bigger. So if you are afraid that your marriage will be ruined with a kid, it's probably best not to have one.
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midjd
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Post by midjd on Nov 20, 2012 15:16:13 GMT -5
Then how do you "not get" it? You know it's possible. I mean, you chose your husband, so you must have some idea of how people end up in relationships with "infants" and "slackers." There but for an accidental pregnancy you went. What's not to get?
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2012 15:21:24 GMT -5
Why does someone have to come "First"? Why do we have to assume some Hierarchy in the first place? Yes, the kids needs are going to be met now before DH or myself because he or i have to do things for them that they cannot do yet. And, when they are little, that is the priority. DOesn't mean you still can't spend time together as a couple too. But, frankly, family time for is marriage time. I don't and cannot separate my marriage from my children. I can enjoy DH's company AND my children's company. I hate to be away from him or my kids. I want to be together as a family. I would rather do that than just he and i go out. But, that works for us and that is what we prefer. Now that our kids have gotten older, we are spending more time together. We are both coaching DD's Bball team together and having a great time. We are spending more time doings things as a couple then we did in the previous years. THere are "Seasons" of one's life. And, when we had little kids it was all about just going full speed and getting done what needed done. Now, not so much and we watch shows together and walk together and do other things now that some time has been freed up.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Nov 20, 2012 15:23:33 GMT -5
Then how do you "not get" it? You know it's possible. I mean, you chose your husband, so you must have some idea of how people end up in relationships with "infants" and "slackers." There but for an accidental pregnancy you went. What's not to get? My DH wasn't a slacker when we were dating, actually just the opposite. He had a job, was going to school, his apartment was neater than mine, and he did half of the wedding planning. But things happened, he fell into a rut, and I did what I had to do to make sure my children had a grown up for a father.
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steph08
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Post by steph08 on Nov 20, 2012 15:23:34 GMT -5
This. How is having a child going to "cost" someone their marriage? In my mind (I don't have kids, so I don't know), if DH and I had a kid and I ended up taking on the majority of child-rearing duties, I will start to resent DH because he doesn't put in the effort, etc. Then my resentment starts to build and build, which is not really conducive to a happy marriage, and thoughts enter my head like "Well, I am already doing everything anyway, getting a divorce wouldn't change anything besides not having to take care of DH since I already take care of DH, the kid, and four dogs," etc. etc. Of course, that is the worst case scenario, and I highly doubt DH would be a lazy lump of a log (though he does do that very well sometimes), but those are just some of the worries that enter my mind over kids. Like Drama said, making marriage the priority is important. But that doesn't mean that kids don't change a marriage - whether into just a different dynamic or for better or for worse. It's a big change that I don't know if we are ready to handle (or if we even want to handle). I don't think it is selfish to remain childless. It is my life and DH's life and we get to choose how to live our lives however we want - whether with kids or without.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 20, 2012 15:28:24 GMT -5
But that doesn't mean that kids don't change a marriage - whether into just a different dynamic or for better or for worse. It's a big change that I don't know if we are ready to handle (or if we even want to handle).
We'd been thru enough crap by the we had a kid I knew a kid wasn't going to be what caused us to implode.
I agree though it's changed our marriage, we are not the same people/couple we were pre-kids.
Having kids is like setting a landmind off in your living room, even if you are prepared for it you still have the aftermath to deal with.
If you aren't sure your marriage can handle that or have no desire to find out, then don't have kids.
Honestly I would have been fine if DH had never wanted kids. I've been a fence sitter all my life. He really wanted kids though so I eventually came around.
I thought of everything that's been said here before we took the plunge. In the end I decided I wanted a kid more than I was worried about the hypotheticals.
Nothing wrong with going the other way either or just having no interest in kids.
It's a personal decision that no one has to justify either way.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Nov 20, 2012 15:33:45 GMT -5
I am always shocked by the people who think a child is going to "save" their marriage. I have known a few couples who were on shaky ground to begin with and for some reason thought having a child was going to be the savior of it all. In the end it put more stress on the marriage and they ended up divorced. I could never understand this line of thinking (of course, I am a childless heathen so I might not know what I am talking about )
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muttleynfelix
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Post by muttleynfelix on Nov 20, 2012 15:34:52 GMT -5
I guess the question is why would you automatically assume you were doing all the baby rearing duties? The big thing is that you have to let your spouse do things. DH and I are really really bad about that. Especially when DS was little, but we even ran into that a little bit last night with a household project. We both like things done "our" way. If you are constantly stepping in and telling your spouse it has to be done a certain way or just stepping up and telling your spouse "oh its ok, I'll just do it" then you can push your spouse out of the way. It makes them feel less involved as a parent and less connected to the child. For example, when DS was about 1.5 DH would go outside to smoke after supper while DS was still eating and I would be still eating or sitting on the couch. He would tell me "don't worry about taking care of DS, I'll do it when I get back in." Usually, I would do it, but then I would usually do something "wrong". Like, I would be wiping DS's face and hands down and DH would come in and say "oh I usually let him do it himself". Over time it leads to a disconnected feeling and that I wasn't needed. It took me standing up and saying, no I need to do this too.
Last night on the household project, we were sorting things to put away in the new shelves/new desk and I got my pile done, but DH wasn't letting me go through anything else and I felt very pushed aside (granted I'm pregnant and my hormones are crazy right now). It was the same sort of feeling as with DS. That I'm not needed, so then why would I step up and do anything when my "boys" don't need me.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Nov 20, 2012 15:35:22 GMT -5
Kids change a marriage, but life experience changes a marriage. Over time your relationships develop either way.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Nov 20, 2012 15:37:05 GMT -5
I think that sort of thinking is a big part of the reason why many couples fall into the mother/child rut and why many mature, kind men get turned into parasites.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Nov 20, 2012 16:10:12 GMT -5
Then how do you "not get" it? You know it's possible. I mean, you chose your husband, so you must have some idea of how people end up in relationships with "infants" and "slackers." There but for an accidental pregnancy you went. What's not to get? My DH wasn't a slacker when we were dating, actually just the opposite. He had a job, was going to school, his apartment was neater than mine, and he did half of the wedding planning. But things happened, he fell into a rut, and I did what I had to do to make sure my children had a grown up for a father. I still find it odd you so enjoy looking down on others. Do you think all the other slacker husbands wore big signs that said "I'm going to be a sucky husband, don't marry me"? Your situation isn't uncommon. It is only by luck or because you two aren't that fertile that you didn't end up pregnant while he was busy being a slacker.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Nov 20, 2012 16:16:10 GMT -5
Do you think all the other slacker husbands wore big signs that said "I'm going to be a sucky husband, don't marry me"?::makes mental note to check garage for hidden slacker signs::
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