giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 15, 2012 9:33:24 GMT -5
It is not just about finances and what we think it we will be able to afford. For me it is partly emotional with wanting 2-3 kids. I guess I am thinking about it too positively : my kids knowing that there is someone outhere besides mom/dad that they can call if they ever need to talk, that always have their back and will understand them no matter how weird/corny/crazy others might find them. It's also that with our distance from family members, my kid(s) won't be as close to cousins, aunts and uncles as I would like because they will only see them maybe 1-2 a year just re-inforce my deside to have more than 1. I dunno, stupid maybe but they are my feelings. You don't have any guarantees about a sibling relationship. You can't romanticize it. DH and his brother didn't get along until they were adults. My dad and his brother drifted as adults and had little to no relationship, particularly after their parents died. I think maybe they talked once or twice a year on the phone. We had three kids because I wanted three kids. DH was open to whatever I wanted, knowing I wasn't going just one one. Because the size of my nuclear family growing up (three) and having little to no extended family, anything beyond having one child seemed like a "large" family.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 15, 2012 9:37:49 GMT -5
My brother and sister are 18 months apart. They were very close as kids. They now rarely speak. It's not that they don't get along, they just don't have anything in common.
My brother is 5.5 years older than me and we and did NOT get along at all as kids. WE're good friends now.
It's a crap shoot.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 9:40:29 GMT -5
You don't have any guarantees about a sibling relationship. You can't romanticize it. My husband is one of 7. Four boys and three girls. He's quite close with one of his brothers, see's one at family gatherings, and the third one pretty much dropped off the face of the earth as far as the family is concerned. I think we've seen him twice in the last 3 years. He doesn't even friend us on Facebook! The sisters he talks to at holidays if they show up. Not one of the three came to our wedding. One had an excuse as she lives 1500 miles away, but the other two live really close by and just didn't show.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 15, 2012 9:42:23 GMT -5
My brother and I fought like cats/dogs as kids. Then we grew closer as teens. Then it imploded when he graduated and became a sloth. We stopped speaking to each other all together for over a year. We talk now but we are not close anymore and I don't know if we'll ever really repair our relationship. Time will tell. So I am not really sold on the "bonded for life" sibling argument. While I love my brother, being an only child would have saved me so much drama over the past couple of years. DH would really like two kids. I am not sure I want two kids. I just stopped breastfeeding six months ago and I am finally feeling normal. I'd really like to enjoy having my body all to myself again before becoming pregnant. I get flamed for it all the time but I just did not enjoy being pregnant and I am not eager to do it again any time soon. I am not unopposed to a second child though. I just don't want one RIGHT NOW. I definetly don't want one on anyone else's timetable. I thought it was bad enough before we had one kid, but it's even worse after you have the first. I had one of DH's relatives ask me when we were going to start on the second the day I came home from the hospital! We've agreed to shelve the topic for a couple of years. We just cannot afford another one finanically and I am not 100% on board with the idea yet. Lots of things can change in two years that might make me more open to having a second. It's not the ideal timeline a lot of people we know in RL think we should have, but I don't really buy into the idea that if we have them close together it'll automatically make them closer or that it is going to be somehow magically "easier" to have two kids around the same age. Two years would put them about three years apart from each other which I think is fine. Gwen would be way out of diapers and ready for school which means daycare prices for her would drop dramatically. So that would be one newborn rate and one school rate. MUCH better than two infant/toddler rates. That'd kill us finanically.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 9:49:42 GMT -5
DQ, we're looking at a 4-5 year difference between DS and any other child. I guess we can be bad parents together.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 9:53:09 GMT -5
We have two. There is a good chance we will have one more, but I am not sold on it yet.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 9:54:33 GMT -5
just keep in it your pants, Arch.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 9:55:27 GMT -5
More than one, less than a dozen. I have two, that I know of, two and a half years apart.
Though anecdotally, my mother has eight siblings, and it used to drive me crazy when she would start on one of her marathon phone conversation with one sister, then another, then another…it could go on for hours. But I also have fond memories of huge family get together with my aunts and uncles and a gaggle of cousins.
Now all of the sisters are a stone’s throw from each other in Naples FL. They may be older, but they seem to have as much, if not more, to talk and bitch about. lol
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 9:56:26 GMT -5
just keep in it your pants, Arch. Easier done, then said.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 9:58:58 GMT -5
<<SNORT!!>>
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 15, 2012 10:00:49 GMT -5
Two years would put them about three years apart from each other which I think is fine. Gwen would be way out of diapers and ready for school which means daycare prices for her would drop dramatically. Our first two are 3.5 years apart. I loved the age difference. #2 and #3 are 4.5 years apart. It's pretty good too. I have an 8 year age difference between my youngest and oldest, and some days, it really blows. I love having a baby in the house, but I don't love essentially starting over again. And, we understood that we would be starting over, we didn't really "get it" until the 3rd joined our family. I will have to say, with the 4.5 year age difference, I forgot a ton more than I did with 3.5 years. #3 is close to 6 months, and I still forget to bring a diaper bag along with me.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Oct 15, 2012 10:18:01 GMT -5
We have one- he is 14 now. He wasn't planned but he wasn't prevented if you get what I mean (kept forgetting to take my BC pills, DH was aware of this). Except for a couple of months years ago we always only want one.
I tend to over-research things so the minute I found out I was pregnant I bought every book I could find. I read everything. I would quiz my doctor at my appointments and insist he check for things and run tests that I had read about. When DS was born I read every book I could find again. I didn't sleep through the night until he was past the SIDS risk ages.
I couldn't take the stress of having another one. I figured my pregnancy (though not enjoyable) was smooth, c-section recovery was fine and DS was a perfectly normal kid. I figured I totally lucked out every step along the way with him and that I wouldn't be that lucky a second time. DH actually got snipped when DS was around 3 because we were so set on having only one.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 10:22:16 GMT -5
That was another thing -- I was 35 & 36 when I had the kids. I didn't want to press my luck having another one just before or right after turning 40.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Oct 15, 2012 10:22:20 GMT -5
FWIW- He learned how to entertain himself at an early age. Even as young as 2 he could spend hours putting together his Thomas the Train tracks and entertain himself. As he got older he would build forts, do Legos, read, etc. He's never been a big tv watcher. We ask him every once and a while if he regrets us not giving him a sibling and his response is usually "Hell No".
As he gets older and more expensive I'm relieved we only have to pay for one set of braces, one college tuition, etc. I've never had to tell him "No" when he has asked to do an activity. His friends all prefer hanging out at our house because they all have "annoying brothers or sisters" at their houses. At our house it's just us and the Boy.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Oct 15, 2012 10:23:59 GMT -5
That was another thing -- I was 35 & 36 when I had the kids. I didn't want to press my luck having another one just before or right after turning 40. I was 36 and 37 when my kids were born, and I had very difficult pregnancies. I physically could not do it again.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 10:25:20 GMT -5
I was lucky that my pregnancies were uneventful (I come from breeding stock though -- Mom was one of 7 and I am one of 6). I am glad I waited to start breeding, though. I would have been a HORRIBLE Mom in my 20's.
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giramomma
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Post by giramomma on Oct 15, 2012 10:31:54 GMT -5
FWIW- He learned how to entertain himself at an early age. Even as young as 2 he could spend hours putting together his Thomas the Train tracks and entertain himself. As he got older he would build forts, do Legos, read, etc. He's never been a big tv watcher. We ask him every once and a while if he regrets us not giving him a sibling and his response is usually "Hell No". As he gets older and more expensive I'm relieved we only have to pay for one set of braces, one college tuition, etc. I've never had to tell him "No" when he has asked to do an activity. His friends all prefer hanging out at our house because they all have "annoying brothers or sisters" at their houses. At our house it's just us and the Boy. I think independence is a character trait. My oldest is a people person. He just needs to be around people and actually needs to have a high level of emotional intimacy in his life with others, whether its friends or family. My younger two are can entertain themselves much more than #1 ever could. My oldest prefers to be outside rather than watching tv, playing on his DS, etc. It's just how he's wired. I don't think it's a function of being an only child vs having siblings. So far, we have never needed to tell our kids "no" either, except when they want crap that we wouldn't buy them even if we were loaded. You can't generalize about spending priorities. We vacation for 3-4 weeks a year, excluding day trips and a long weekend or two a year. On some things, we spend like we are the "haves" and others, we spend like we are the "have nots."
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Oct 15, 2012 10:57:31 GMT -5
It is a crap shoot, but I don't think its bad to have a 2nd kid and hope that at some point the siblings get along with each other. Or at least tolerate one another enough to offer support when needed. I have 1 sister that I have had a tumultuous relationship with, and there is a strong likelihood that I'll be responsible for her when my parents pass. I wish my folks had at least 1 more kid to help me out with that, but oh well.
My dad isn't close with any of his siblings (not even his twin sister anymore because of her crazy religious husband unfortunately), but they still came together to help when the oldest passed away.
So if you want more than 1 kid, you shouldn't stop just because they might not get along. Financially we should have stopped at 1 I'm sure, but I'd rather have less in other areas, than not have another child.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 15, 2012 11:14:27 GMT -5
I don't think it's bad to have a second and hope they get along. I don't like it when people tell me I need to have a second so Gwen can have a "lifelong buddy and playmate". I don't think that's a good enough reason for me to throw out the birth control. My brother is still my brother despite our rocky relationship, but if my parents had gone into having a second with the expection we'd be life long buddies, they'd be sorely disappointed. My parents are both only children so I've talked with my mom about being an only a lot. She said there are upsides and downsides. Sometimes she misses not having a sibling, sometimes she doesn't. It depends on the situation. I also hate how people argue my kid is going to somehow grow up to be a maladjusted spoiled brat without siblings. DH has two siblings and he's the biggest spoiled brat I've ever met, so there goes that theory. Have another kid because you want to have another kid, IMHO. Don't have another one because you somehow think you HAVE to or else. Nothing wrong with having only one if that is what you want.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 11:21:19 GMT -5
I also hate how people argue my kid is going to somehow grow up to be a maladjusted spoiled brat without siblings. DH has two siblings and he's the biggest spoiled brat I've ever met, so there goes that theory. I was an only child and think I turned out fine. I was raised by a single mom working a factory job most of my childhood, so there wasn't much spoiling to be done. I always had a horse, but for us that was an inexpensive hobby (boarded for free on family farm, Mom's friend was a farrier...) I can't remember ever there being a time when I wished for siblings. I had friends/cousins to play with and when I got sick of that I could go home and be by myself and nobody messed with my stuff.
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Angel!
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Post by Angel! on Oct 15, 2012 11:25:54 GMT -5
I have always wanted 2 & could never imagine having more. I now have my 2 & really, really want a 3rd. It fills me with immense sadness that I may not have another child. I've been trying really hard to figure out why I want a 3rd so badly & trying to figure out how to come to terms with the fact I may only have 2. I've also been trying to figure out if when I have 3, will I suddenly want 4 because why keep going if there will never be a point at which I feel done.
It seems interesting most people here seem happy with what they ended up with. I hope someday soon I feel that way too. I worry I will spend years sad because I couldn't have more. The thought actually has me crying now.
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NomoreDramaQ1015
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Post by NomoreDramaQ1015 on Oct 15, 2012 11:25:56 GMT -5
My parents turned out just fine, they are both onlys as well. I don't think becoming a maladjusted spoiled brat really has all that much to do with how many siblings you have, but more how your parents raise you and who you are as a person. I think people are reaching because they need to figure out how to convince me they are right and I am wrong. Misery loves company after all.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 11:36:18 GMT -5
Spacing on kids: Haven't you ever heard? At least 10 feet apart! I wanted 2 or 3. I had absolutely miserable pregnancies, but was lucky enough to have 1 of each, so we quit while we were ahead. The teen years are SO expensive (braces, activities, etc.), and now that we've got one in college, I'm glad we had the two. I agree with other posters that when I'm old, I don't want one child dealing with everything by themself. Well, the getting old thing is no guarantee no matter how many kids you have . Having one doesn't mean that the one will take any effort or interest and neither does having 5. For my mom, i am the one who lived near her so i am the one who took care of everything. I am not complaining cuz i love my mom and i am glad i can do what i can to help make her last days more comfortable. My sis's contribution is to visit once a year a say and not even a phone call in the interim. But, she does send a yearly birthday and mothers' day card and that's it. I made all the decisions, took her back and forth to hospitals, made all the decisions about her care, took care of her home and had to orgainze it and ultimately clear it out and sell the contents and all of that. So, your kids may help you or they may not. I wouldn't count on it is what i a am saying.
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sheilaincali
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Post by sheilaincali on Oct 15, 2012 11:46:47 GMT -5
giramomma- I didn't mean to generalize it's just something that I've seen with DS' friends. His two best friends both have multiple siblings. This year (as with last year) DS is doing knowledge bowl ($175) and Youth in Government Model Assembly ($475 plus business attire for the 4 day convention). His friend Gunner could do YIG but not KB, incidentally Gunner's older brother was able to do KB because he quit basketball last year. It's more than just a financial thing- he's never had to skip a friend's birthday party because it was his little sister's dance recital or anything like that. I took my nephews and DH to a movie this summer and they were telling me they loved going to the movies but didn't get to go very often because A. it was too expensive for their parents to take the whole family (5 people) and B. their little sister (who is 7) is too young for the action movies they want to see and their parents can't always hire a babysitter to entertain her while the rest go to a movie.
There are 4 of us in a 7 year span (4 years between 1st and 2nd and 3 years between 2nd and 4th) We never got along as siblings. My older brother and I speak at family gatherings and once or twice a year on the phone. My sister and I went 4 years without speaking after a disagreement but now we get along. My younger brother and I can barely tolerate being in the same room at the same time. He also has a similar relationship with my sister. So no- except for DSIS and I none of us are friends or even get along very well.
DS is not at all a spoiled brat. He is very self sufficient and low maintenance. He would share his toys just fine when he was younger.
In my immediate family the 3 of us are a team. I couldn't imagine life any other way.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 11:50:25 GMT -5
My personal feeling is that women should really wait until they are absolutely sure to get their tubes tied. I think that since there are other ways to avoid pregnancy why take the nuclear option at a young age? Personally, it isn't something i would have done until very late 30's or 40's. I see some women getting tubals in their 20's and yeah that is their choice but a lot of life events can happen in the next 15 yrs making you wish you might not have done that. Just my opinion and i do think Doctors should be very clear on how they counsel younger women getting tubals.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 12:14:19 GMT -5
I had my tubes occluded instead of tied. It is an outpatient procedure and there's no cutting! It is not reversable (they shred your tubes and the scar tissue is what blocks your tubes) so they tell you to be absolutely sure you do not want any more kids.
However, in either my case or if you get your tubes tied, if you really REALLY wanted more kids your eggs and your uterus are still good, right? So you technically could have an egg implanted....but it's gonna cost ya!
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 12:17:35 GMT -5
I was born when my mom was 21. She got her tubes tied at 34 thinking she was done. She wasn't married, she had a playboy-type boyfriend that had no interest in kids (including me ) and I was already a teenager, so big gap. At 36 she was reunited with her high school sweetheart and they married the following year. She had the tubal reversed and they tried for years to conceive, but it never happened.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 15, 2012 12:21:24 GMT -5
for you wrongside
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Driftr
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Post by Driftr on Oct 15, 2012 12:39:25 GMT -5
Two - To replace ourselves with hopefully better people than we are after we're gone.
First required 'help'. Second happened about six months before we were going to go in for help. Guess the first one coming out knocked something loose. Or just a lucky shot.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Oct 15, 2012 12:42:01 GMT -5
I had two very bad pregnancies. After DD was born my mom said if I continued to play "Russian Roulette" that sooner or later, there's a bullet in the gun and I could end up dead leaving two little kids behind. So I stopped. Ending up a single mom, thank GOD I did.
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