Private School teacher dilemma

[Sum Dum Gai]

If this bothers you that much, I'd talk to the teacher first. Make sure you know the whole story. She could be a young widow of a slain service member or something. She could have been raped, and chose life when most people would have gotten an abortion. Feet generally taste pretty bad, so I make it a rule to try and avoid eating mine.

I have a cousin who used to catch shit all the time for the son she had as an unwed teen. She's also extremely religious, which is why she chose to have the baby when she was raped as a teenager. Abortion was not even an option for her. She's white, and the rapist was black. Raising a mixed race child by yourself at that age is hard enough. I can't even imagine how hard raising your rapists son is. Getting the stink eye from random church members who should be supporting you is just rubbing salt in the wound. Now that she's married to a white guy most people assume they adopted.

[Loopdilou]

I do wonder why so many people feel their morals and values are so weak that they have to be surrounded by them all the time. Teach your child the why's of what you believe and show your child in the way you choose to live. If your values and beliefs are worthy and just, their 4th grade teacher's personal life won't make one iota difference in their moral education.

[Sum Dum Gai]

WWJD?

[mmhmm]

Calling someone a hussy is not name-calling. Being a hussy is a state of mind. ;D

[mmhmm]

Aug 31, 2012 23:14:07 GMT -5 BeenThere...DoneThat... said:

...at the risk of sounding like a jerk, MM and mm... you two have posted profanity and an accusation of gossip on a thread about a private Christian school parent's concern... it's a legitimate question in his reality...

:-\

Sound like a jerk all you like, Been There. I didn't post any profanity. Rarely use it. I didn't accuse gossip. The OP states there WAS gossip.

[mmhmm]

Aug 31, 2012 23:31:05 GMT -5 @foodiedad said:

mmhmm - so parents aren't allowed to talk about, and try to confirm amongst themselves information that she herself told the children on the first day of class? (Which DD told me that night, but I figured she misunderstood as 10 year olds are known to do?)

Parents are "allowed" to talk about anything they wish, foodiedad. Did the teacher tell the children on the first day of school she was a never-married woman with a child? Sounds to me like she didn't, but correct me if I'm wrong. Sounds to me like one of the parents decided to find out a bit more (looking for dirt, perhaps?) and came up with a gold mine for a gossip. Now, this parent knows the new teacher has a child and has never been married. Does the parent talk to the teacher about this? Does she talk to the directorship of the school about this? Nah. She takes it to another parent. In my book, foodiedad, that's gossip of the first order.

If you're upset about it, you need to talk to your priest to get direction. The principal has already told you they're practicing the (reportedly) Christian value of forgiveness.

[Phoenix84]

Well, not much you can do about it except withdraw your kid from the school. I'd suggest you just get over it, your daugther will have to interact with all kinds of people sooner or later. If it really bugs you, just talk to your kid about it and explain things. You are the most important influence in your daughters life. One single parent teacher won't send your kid flying off the rails if you taught her right. There's nothing wrong with teaching your child to wait until she's married and established before having sex. A lot of poverty in the world would be elminated if people would keep it in their pants until they're ready for the responsibility a child brings.

Really, unless the teacher is a criminal, her personal life or past is none of your concern. Just leave it alone, live and let live.

And things like this.. kids only know it's a big deal because they're parents make a big deal out of it. If you start causing drama over it, your daughter is going to hone in on it as a reason and start asking questions.

I can understand your concerns since you are paying money for a specific learning enviornment. Maybe talking with the teacher and getting to know her better will put your worries at ease?

[Deleted]

Sept 1, 2012 1:31:30 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

Aug 31, 2012 23:31:05 GMT -5 @foodiedad said:

mmhmm - so parents aren't allowed to talk about, and try to confirm amongst themselves information that she herself told the children on the first day of class? (Which DD told me that night, but I figured she misunderstood as 10 year olds are known to do?)

Parents are "allowed" to talk about anything they wish, foodiedad. Did the teacher tell the children on the first day of school she was a never-married woman with a child? Sounds to me like she didn't, but correct me if I'm wrong. Sounds to me like one of the parents decided to find out a bit more (looking for dirt, perhaps?) and came up with a gold mine for a gossip. Now, this parent knows the new teacher has a child and has never been married. Does the parent talk to the teacher about this? Does she talk to the directorship of the school about this? Nah. She takes it to another parent. In my book, foodiedad, that's gossip of the first order.

If you're upset about it, you need to talk to your priest to get direction. The principal has already told you they're practicing the (reportedly) Christian value of forgiveness.

I think you missed this post...

Aug 31, 2012 23:20:42 GMT -5 @foodiedad said:

Aug 31, 2012 23:08:21 GMT -5 mmhmm said:

You know, foodiedad, because someone gossiped to you after asking the teacher a personal question and receiving an answer. How would your child know?

What part of, `she told the class on the first day that she has a kid` did you miss? Add to the fact that she told the students to call her `Miss` because she hasn't been married...it doesn't take a rocket scientist (or even a 4th grader) to figure it out.

As for us talking about it, I asked the other parent if what I heard from my daughter matched with what she understood. I usually do not pick DD up from school (she gets picked up by daycare) but yesterday, my office closed at noon for the Labor Day weekend.

And again, while it is an admittedly fine line, I am not judging her -- I understand that people are human and make mistakes and it isn't my role to forgive her, that is for God to do. That being said, I just wish that she had kept that part of her private life exactly that...private. By telling the students the first day, she opened the door to topics that directly conflict with what had been taught to the kids previously.

[marvholly]

Foodie
If you feel that strongly you need to pull DD OUT of that school and move her into one that meets your criteria. However, be sure to vet the personal lives of EVERY teacher she is likely to get, all admins all the school board members, all staff……….

[Nazgul Girl]

So let me get this. You put your child into a private Catholic school. One of the teachers there is single with a kid, implying a less-than-perfect past. But, she's raising her child, supporting the child, and she's your child's teacher. I think she's doing the best she can with what she's got. She needs a stable job to raise her kid. You need a stable classroom for your child, if you want your child to continue to attend that school.

You could raise hell because there is an unwed mother who is teaching your kid. She's made her kid a fact in her life, as shown by showing up for for the fun run with kid in tow. What's she supposed to do, hide the kid away ?

What's done is done. She's making the best of it. If you and some of the other parents get nasty and pressure the administration to fire her, if she's otherwise a competent teacher, then you will sin by gossiping and depriving her of her livelihood. She's already (possibly) sinned, and is atoning for it. You don't need to bring sin onto yourself by damaging her progress of reformation. Not everyone is blessed by Christ-like wisdom at all times.

When you post you are not judging her, I have state that I directly disagree with that. You are judging her, and making a lot of assumptions to boot. Not everyone comes out of a Mom, Dad, Dick, Jane, and Sally book. I think that you can easily explain to your daughter that sometimes people don't wait until their married to have babies, and it make their lives harder.

This is a mountain that should be less than a molehill, in my opinion.

[Deleted]

Sept 1, 2012 0:25:07 GMT -5 lurkyloo said:

As I see it you have three choices. 1. Suck it up, deal with it, and talk to your child as necessary about how sometimes people make mistakes and how difficult it probably was for her teacher to pull her life back together. 2. Transfer your child to a different school. 3. Agitate and get the other parents riled up and try to get the teacher fired.

Just so's you're aware, choice 3 is not really consistent with the ideals of Christianity as I learned them.

This really sums it up. As someone who scraped up a lot of money to send DS to private school (not any particular religion but a place where they weren't afraid to say "God", either) I can understand your frustration at not getting what you expected. I don't think Alternative 3 would be a good lesson for the kids or a good example of Christian principles in action.

My son is avery conservative Evangelical Christian. Their church community (250+ people each at Saturday PM and Sunday AM services) includes quite a few single mothers. Their kids are part of the community, they celebrate their birthdays, they all support each other. I like to think that being part of a loving Christian community helps them get back on their feet and keeps them from mindlessly popping out more babies.

I vote for the "teaching moment" approach. You should, however, get more involved with the school about teacher selection policies if you want to influence them in the future.

[Deleted]

Aug 31, 2012 22:50:03 GMT -5 @foodiedad said:

DD is in 4th grade this year at a private Christian school. The school hired a new teacher for her grade over the summer. She is a young woman just out of college (doesn't look to be older than 23) and, as it turns out, a single, never-wed mother of a four year old.

The school did not mention the fact that she has a child to any of the families of students in the fourth grade.

Even during the meet and greet the day prior to the school year starting, she did not mention that fact to any of the parents.

However, she DID mention it to the kids on the first day of class to the children. DD came home and mentioned, "Miss Jones has a kid." The way she mentioned it I figured she misunderstood and didn't press the issue.

It was made clear to all the parents who went to the 'fun run' following the first week of classes because there she was with her daughter in tow.

One of the parents of a child in the class approached the pastor of our church-run school about the situation and he basically blew it off saying, "We practice forgiveness."

Of course we do. I also respect the fact that she did not have an abortion and finished school and is self-supporting.

Where I have an issue is that I specifically pay extra to send DD to a private school where the values taught are supposed to reflect the values I was raised with, believe in, and reflect those of the church school where we are sending her.

How am I supposed to reconcile, "Respect yourself, your body, and no sex/children until you are an adult, plus teenage pregnancy is ABSOLUTELY THE STUPIDEST THING YOU can ever do" with the fact that her teacher is supposed to be a primary authority figure and role model?

I guess i would have to ask you which Church you attend that is full of perfect people and non sinners? There is none without sin, no one. As for teen pregnancy, i hardly think that is the "stupidest thing you can ever do". There are plenty of stupid things we can all do from A to Z. If anything, that young woman took a difficult situation and embraced it and worked to make her and her child's life better which is very admirable and also a value i would think you would want your child to see as well.

[Deleted]

I feel so sorry for this teacher. Your lack of respect and that of the other gossipy parents is going to be noticed by your kids (just know that a generous, forgiving attitude would have been as well). The kids are going to have to choose--like the teacher if she is terrific or treat her with condescension or distaste if they want to please their parents.

It will affect your child's year both emotionally and academically. Just know that you created this monster; the teacher really didn't. Her "sin" is just visible, but it's likely there are other sinners on your teaching faculty.

[Deleted]

Sept 1, 2012 8:01:53 GMT -5 @southernsusana said:

I feel so sorry for this teacher. Your lack of respect and that of the other gossipy parents is going to be noticed by your kids (just know that a generous, forgiving attitude would have been as well). The kids are going to have to choose--like the teacher if she is terrific or treat her with condescension or distaste if they want to please their parents.

It will affect your child's year both emotionally and academically. Just know that you created this monster; the teacher really didn't. Her "sin" is just visible, but it's likely there are other sinners on your teaching faculty.

Well said!

[Deleted]

When I consider the teachings of Christ, the values which stand out are compassion and forgiveness, and the ideas that only the sinless may cast the first stone... and judgment is the authority of a higher power...

I guess everyone can choose which Christian values they think are most important to impart... but Christ specifically taught that we are all sinners, so I'm not sure how you could expect any teacher to be perfect...

[Deleted]

You have this in your pocket. Are we really who you want to ask for permission to lob it?

[Deleted]

I think the greater message of hope and forgiveness and mercy would be a much greater lesson to teach the child than the focusing on the sins and condemning another. I think that this a perfect teaching opportunity for your values. You can teach your child that this teacher made a mistake, but God forgave her and the teacher then stepped up to plate as well to help herself. Or, you can teach your child to gossip, condemn and belittle the mistakes of another who aren't "as good" as they are. I hope not.

[Deleted]

I went to Catholic school. I was taught by nuns, ex-nuns, single adults, married adults, divorced adults, Catholics, Christians, Jews...
In the end, you buy into the Apostle's Creed or you don't.

[Deleted]

I guess I don't understand how the school is pulling the wool over his eyes? Was he promised teachers who never commited a sin in their lives? Was a policy of forgiveness and compassion a misinterpretation of the teachings the school represents?

[Deleted]

That is a good point. There are certain standards and lines we all draw. You wouldn't want a convicted pedophile teaching kids even if God forgave them. So, the OP does have a point. So, it is really up to the OP to draw the line. If that is something that you think goes beyond the pale, you can go to the school and voice your complaints. They may choose to address it or not. If not, then you can either decide to leave the school or stay.

[Deleted]

Foodie is certainly entitled to his opinion and has the right to vent. But I am not certain that invalidates our responses. You don't post on here expecting everyone to agree with you . . . not if you have ever read any of these threads.

I personally don't think the school "pulled the wool over his eyes." That implies deception. The teacher in question has been honest. None of us were the fly on the wall in that interview. For all we know, she did mention she was a single mother who had never been married, and the church took that as a validation of its position. She didn't get an abortion, and she has become a productive member of society (or is trying to).

I wonder, Foodie--and only you can answer this--would you feel the same if the mom was divorced? That violates church teaching, too, doesn't it? What if it were a single father who mentioned he had a son to the class (I promise you that they asked . . . kids this age want to know everything about a teacher from what she ate for breakfast to whether she has any pets and what are their names to how many kids she has)? Then you discovered that he had never been married (his parents thought he was too young), but he was now supporting this child including being the custodial parent? Would he be a pariah or an outstanding young man who accepts his responsibility?

[Deleted]

Are you saying i talk out of both sides of my mouth?

[Deleted]

I just want to make sure I have this right, a single unwed mother is on par with a pedophile, in terms of danger to ones children?

Or, you are just saying that in foodie's opinion it seems like the line for 'too far' or egregious sinner, is drawn at a different place than most people?

I agree, talk to the school, move the child if you disagree with their policy. I personally hope the school doesn't remove the teacher for this reason, but that's just my opinion.

[Deleted]

And this is another thing I don't get about the whole abortion argument. There could be teachers in that school right now who had an abortion... but you'd never know it... this girl does what the church considers to be the 'right thing' and then has to continue to pay the consequences for the original sin ? ... Doesn't this kind of thinking actually influence people to have an abortion rather than deal with the ongoing stigma ?

[Deleted]

Sept 1, 2012 1:15:40 GMT -5 Sum Dum Gai said:

WWJD?

I believe that the bible also talks about not judging others and that anyone can find salvation by asking for it. So she made a mistake. I believe many Christians have made mistakes. I believe the church also teaches forgiveness. So because this teacher made a "mistake" at some point in her life, she is to be forever turned away from the church and working in the church?

WWJD?

[NoNamePerson]

Where I have an issue is that I specifically pay extra to send DD to a private school where the values taught are supposed to reflect the values I was raised with, believe in, and reflect those of the church school where we are sending her.

What are you going to do when she is out in the real world? Tell her she can't work with someone who has a child and not married, etc etc etc. A cocoon might work in this case or a bubble.

And god forbid that your child make the "same perceived mistake."

OH and I hate to break it to you, but if you think because going to a private school is protecting her, boy do I have news for you.

My son went to private "so called Christian school" for three years. More crap happened there than when in public school. Put him back in public school. Life happens!!!

[Deleted]

This is why I have an issue with getting rid of "entitlements" and moving need to churches. Religious people are the most judgmental, IMHO.

WWJD, indeed!

[Deleted]

Lone... did every married teacher mention their children and run down their family home situation at the meet and greet ? Is it standard and customary to know everything?

I honestly think one of the things that bothers me most about this is the OP mention of how she had the gall to be at the fun run with her kid... as if the kid should somehow be hidden away somewhere... makes me sad...

[NoNamePerson]

How am I supposed to reconcile, "Respect yourself, your body, and no sex/children until you are an adult, plus teenage pregnancy is ABSOLUTELY THE STUPIDEST THING YOU can ever do" with the fact that her teacher is supposed to be a primary authority figure and role model

You seem to think that your child will follow in teachers footsteps instead of the "values" you teach her. She has the teacher for 9 months you have her year round.

Sounds like a parenting problem to me.

Being perfect must be exhausting

[Deleted]

Sept 1, 2012 9:23:26 GMT -5 oped said:

Lone... did every married teacher mention their children and run down their family home situation at the meet and greet ? Is it standard and customary to know everything?

I honestly think one of the things that bothers me most about this is the OP mention of how she had the gall to be at the fun run with her kid... as if the kid should somehow be hidden away somewhere... makes me sad...

Yes. There is a professional life and a personal life. I really don't like too much mixing of the two. We don't need to know everything about someone else. And, it seems women's lives are much more exposed than men's and a pretty unfair standard.
I don't go to my employer and say oh, by the way, i had sex outside of wedlock 25 yrs ago or whatever. Or, i gambled at Vegas. We seem to have certain "sins" that we take much more stock in than others. We seem to ignore that gluttony is a sin. False pride is a sin and on and on. We seem particularly enamored by sexual sins.
However, i dont' think this in necessarily a bait and switch because is your employer supposed to go about telling your personal business to everyone else?