movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Aug 8, 2012 10:49:11 GMT -5
But if you're a drunken idiot or going ot have a drama queen meltdown, stick around so we can make fun of you. Yes, and then pick on you about at the every family function for the next 2 yrs
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 8, 2012 10:49:18 GMT -5
DH's family thing drinking is the way of the Devil. Not only that they think caffiene is a close second. DH also drags me up for at least 1 week a year.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 8, 2012 10:51:51 GMT -5
Is he Italian? Ohhhh no, Arch is Italian. DH is half Lebanese and half European. It's the WASP side that is crazy. The Lebanese side is crazy too, but in that they are actually crazy. Not to be nit picky but when I hear WASP I think British. I don't think clingy mom when I think WASP. Would you prefer my Mom as your MIL? She would do everything and pout and whine the whole time to everyone she meets, including her other children, about how much she does and how she is completely unapreciated.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 10:52:49 GMT -5
But if you're a drunken idiot or going ot have a drama queen meltdown, stick around so we can make fun of you. Yes, and then pick on you about at the every family function for the next 2 22yrs fixed.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Aug 8, 2012 10:53:23 GMT -5
not considering that we have a baby in tow: 1) insisting that we eat dinner later (7/7:30) at nice restaurants - he's a baby so he yells, grabs stuff, and doesn't sit still 2) insisting that we drive everywhere so that we have to get him packed and unpacked several times per day 3) activities they wanted to do were not baby friendly (going on a trolley tour, antiquing) If they wanted us to come, shouldn't the fact that we have a baby have been taken into consideration? We don't just force DS to fit into our lives, nor do we revolve our entire lives around him - we do both. No one seemed to understand our approach to how we treat DS. My brother and sister-in-law has a baby about the same age as yours (she just turned 1 last month). And when they visiting my parents house, I got pretty pissed off when my sister-in-law would complain about how things weren't organized around the baby's schedule. I understand that kids have schedules, but at least to me it doesn't sound like were making horrible requests, especially as it was one weekend. It's not like they wanted to spend the entire weekend in a smoke filled casino. I can't comment on the other stuff as I don't know the story, but I did want to comment on that, as I've been on the other side and I know how frustrated I've gotten when it feels like the parents want everything to revolve around their kid (even if technically that isn't true).
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Post by The Walk of the Penguin Mich on Aug 8, 2012 10:55:13 GMT -5
When you accept and/or rely on financial gifts (free daycare qualifies as a financial gift) from parents you sell your autonomy to them. Some parents are very generous with how they respond to that and some are very demanding. The only way out is to pay your own way. If you don't want your MIL having a say in your lives, you need to figure out a way of making a financial break from her. This includes both childcare AND vacations.
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Bluerobin
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Post by Bluerobin on Aug 8, 2012 10:56:51 GMT -5
MJ, you have to have this conversation with DH. Then YOU have to tell MIL to butt out. I would suggest calling her over and both you and DH show solidarity. If she wants to continue to babysit, great. If not, you will find another way. She is purposedly keeping DH in the middle and it is probably not fun for him either. He chose you for his wife, not her. She has to deal with it and find her place in the family. As far as day care: Can you join a church that offers either free or reduced cost day care?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 11:01:57 GMT -5
When you accept and/or rely on financial gifts (free daycare qualifies as a financial gift) from parents you sell your autonomy to them. Some parents are very generous with how they respond to that and some are very demanding. The only way out is to pay your own way. If you don't want your MIL having a say in your lives, you need to figure out a way of making a financial break from her. This includes both childcare AND vacations. yes, I know. I have been trying to find affordable DC options and will start looking at increasing income ASAP. The vacations thing isn't an issue - we will just never do it again.
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rileyoday
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Post by rileyoday on Aug 8, 2012 11:02:40 GMT -5
Ask the cute new guy what he thinks. ( After work over drinks on a Friday} Tell us what happens.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 11:03:43 GMT -5
LOL riley!
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 8, 2012 11:07:25 GMT -5
Most of you suggest that she deal/talks with MIL. I think it's much more important to deal/talk with the husband, bc at the end of the day THAT is the relationship that is more important. And I am not saying this bc I have MIL issues, I am saying this bc MIL will NEVER EVER change and might or might not be honest with MJ. Husband is a different story and THAT should be addressed. And you know what?? why NOT let him deal with his mother? As long as you and your DH are on the same page, who cares what MIL's issues are
Lena
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 11:08:59 GMT -5
not considering that we have a baby in tow: 1) insisting that we eat dinner later (7/7:30) at nice restaurants - he's a baby so he yells, grabs stuff, and doesn't sit still 2) insisting that we drive everywhere so that we have to get him packed and unpacked several times per day 3) activities they wanted to do were not baby friendly (going on a trolley tour, antiquing) If they wanted us to come, shouldn't the fact that we have a baby have been taken into consideration? We don't just force DS to fit into our lives, nor do we revolve our entire lives around him - we do both. No one seemed to understand our approach to how we treat DS. My brother and sister-in-law has a baby about the same age as yours (she just turned 1 last month). And when they visiting my parents house, I got pretty pissed off when my sister-in-law would complain about how things weren't organized around the baby's schedule. I understand that kids have schedules, but at least to me it doesn't sound like were making horrible requests, especially as it was one weekend. It's not like they wanted to spend the entire weekend in a smoke filled casino. I can't comment on the other stuff as I don't know the story, but I did want to comment on that, as I've been on the other side and I know how frustrated I've gotten when it feels like the parents want everything to revolve around their kid (even if technically that isn't true). I understnad your frustration, but I also see Jenny's point. When my kids were that little, they went to bed about 8. If the parents insisted on dinner at 7:30 at a fancy restaurant, you won't get out of there until 9, and you've got a tired cranky kid in a nice restaurant. Not a situation I like to be in. What's wrong with dinner at 6 at a more family friendly place, or a picnic on hte beach so the kid can run around? If you travel with kids, you have to make some changes. I'd love to go to nice restaurants on vacation, but I have a 4 and 6 year old. It's an informal place, preferably with outdoor seating, or a picnic on the beach for us for now.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 8, 2012 11:13:59 GMT -5
My brother and sister-in-law has a baby about the same age as yours (she just turned 1 last month). And when they visiting my parents house, I got pretty pissed off when my sister-in-law would complain about how things weren't organized around the baby's schedule. I understand that kids have schedules, but at least to me it doesn't sound like were making horrible requests, especially as it was one weekend. It's not like they wanted to spend the entire weekend in a smoke filled casino. I can't comment on the other stuff as I don't know the story, but I did want to comment on that, as I've been on the other side and I know how frustrated I've gotten when it feels like the parents want everything to revolve around their kid (even if technically that isn't true). I understnad your frustration, but I also see Jenny's point. When my kids were that little, they went to bed about 8. If the parents insisted on dinner at 7:30 at a fancy restaurant, you won't get out of there until 9, and you've got a tired cranky kid in a nice restaurant. Not a situation I like to be in. What's wrong with dinner at 6 at a more family friendly place, or a picnic on hte beach so the kid can run around? If you travel with kids, you have to make some changes. I'd love to go to nice restaurants on vacation, but I have a 4 and 6 year old. It's an informal place, preferably with outdoor seating, or a picnic on the beach for us for now. I understand this because my son is the one who would be screaming and making everyone in the entire restaurant pissed as hell that they are paying good money to have him ruin their nice evening out. On the other hand this wasn't just then deciding what to do for dinner. This sounds like MIL's birthday dinner. Everyone I know who has a birthday dinner gets to choose the place.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 11:16:57 GMT -5
I would have sucked it up for MIL's B-day Dinner and most likely would have spent most of the evening outside with the kids. Most things I order taste just fine cold.
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whoisjohngalt
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Post by whoisjohngalt on Aug 8, 2012 11:17:39 GMT -5
I can't speak for others, but I can tell you that if it seems like everything revolves around my kids is bc I don't want YOU to deal with their temper tantrums and crying and all that other good stuff that happens when they are tired and can't control themselves. And I've yet to meet a 1, 2 or 3 yr old who leaned how to control their behavior when they are tired. Add to that - the "after" - when the dinner is over and you going back to your room/house, etc but "I" have to deal with a night of crankiness bc them going straight to bed at that point is as miraculous and the getting caviar out of the monkey's butt
Lena
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Phoenix84
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Post by Phoenix84 on Aug 8, 2012 11:18:13 GMT -5
I understand your frustration MJ. Your mother in law is trying to be controlling. Your DH needs to cut the apron strings and your MIL needs to grow up.
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emma1420
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Post by emma1420 on Aug 8, 2012 11:21:32 GMT -5
I understnad your frustration, but I also see Jenny's point. When my kids were that little, they went to bed about 8. If the parents insisted on dinner at 7:30 at a fancy restaurant, you won't get out of there until 9, and you've got a tired cranky kid in a nice restaurant. Not a situation I like to be in. What's wrong with dinner at 6 at a more family friendly place, or a picnic on hte beach so the kid can run around? If you travel with kids, you have to make some changes. I'd love to go to nice restaurants on vacation, but I have a 4 and 6 year old. It's an informal place, preferably with outdoor seating, or a picnic on the beach for us for now. Because sometimes there needs to be give and take. That not every activity should be planned specifically because there is a child that is going to be coming along. Not to say that there can't be some compromise, but that compromise should be on both ends. And I guess I didn't think the activities suggested were out of line for parents of a baby. And perhaps the dinner at the fancy restaurant was a birthday dinner, in that context I don't think it's inappropriate.
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thyme4change
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Post by thyme4change on Aug 8, 2012 11:22:18 GMT -5
My parents are the opposite - they try to structure EVERYTHING around the kids' schedule. I appreciate the thought, but the problem is that they are clueless about what my kids' schedule actually is - so they schedule it around what they think it should be. I remember once they insisted we have dinner at 5:30. After a lot of prodding, they said it was because that is what the kids need. Well, we eat dinner every single night at 6:30-6:45, and at least twice a week, at least half the family eats at 8 pm because of sports. They still insisted we eat at 5:30. Neither of my kids were hungry, so they barely ate anything, and then they ate a sandwich before they went to bed.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 8, 2012 11:22:35 GMT -5
Please let me be a good MIL. Please, please!
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imawino
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Post by imawino on Aug 8, 2012 11:23:38 GMT -5
Honestly my Mom would have been offended also. I always thought it was a Portuguese thing. It is an Italian thing, too. Amateurs! Try having an overbearing Jewish MIL who lives nearby.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 11:24:30 GMT -5
It is an Italian thing, too. Amateurs! Try having an overbearing Jewish MIL who lives nearby. You win.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 11:25:23 GMT -5
I understnad your frustration, but I also see Jenny's point. When my kids were that little, they went to bed about 8. If the parents insisted on dinner at 7:30 at a fancy restaurant, you won't get out of there until 9, and you've got a tired cranky kid in a nice restaurant. Not a situation I like to be in. What's wrong with dinner at 6 at a more family friendly place, or a picnic on hte beach so the kid can run around? If you travel with kids, you have to make some changes. I'd love to go to nice restaurants on vacation, but I have a 4 and 6 year old. It's an informal place, preferably with outdoor seating, or a picnic on the beach for us for now. Because sometimes there needs to be give and take. That not every activity should be planned specifically because there is a child that is going to be coming along. Not to say that there can't be some compromise, but that compromise should be on both ends. And I guess I didn't think the activities suggested were out of line for parents of a baby. And perhaps the dinner at the fancy restaurant was a birthday dinner, in that context I don't think it's inappropriate. There should be give and take. How about dinner at 6 at the restaurant of MIL's choice? For someone who takes care of a baby, she's pretty clueless as to how babys act when they're tired.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 11:25:34 GMT -5
Yes she does!
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happyhoix
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Post by happyhoix on Aug 8, 2012 11:26:44 GMT -5
It probably seems this way because you don't have kids. Most kids need a pretty strict schedule so they don't go off the rails. I never insisted everyone else had to cater to DS's schedule, but I expected that they would understand if I had to bow out of certain planned activities so I could make sure DS had a meal or a nap on time or just a quiet place where he could have some calm time.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 11:28:05 GMT -5
It probably seems this way because you don't have kids. Most kids need a pretty strict schedule so they don't go off the rails. I never insisted everyone else had to cater to DS's schedule, but I expected that they would understand if I had to bow out of certain planned activities so I could make sure DS had a meal or a nap on time or just a quiet place where he could have some calm time. I was never really anal about my kids schedules but damn, if I kept them up too late it got UGLY.
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Wisconsin Beth
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Post by Wisconsin Beth on Aug 8, 2012 11:34:03 GMT -5
It probably seems this way because you don't have kids. Most kids need a pretty strict schedule so they don't go off the rails. I never insisted everyone else had to cater to DS's schedule, but I expected that they would understand if I had to bow out of certain planned activities so I could make sure DS had a meal or a nap on time or just a quiet place where he could have some calm time. I was never really anal about my kids schedules but damn, if I kept them up too late it got UGLY. I'll be repairing my kids's schedule for the next week or so. I don't know about Joey but my 2, it takes a week or so to get back on the schedule. I don't think I'm anal about it but hell, I probably am. It's just that dealing with the aftermath can be hideous in our house.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 11:35:41 GMT -5
Please let me be a good MIL. Please, please! Me too!!
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 11:36:20 GMT -5
bump
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taz157
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Post by taz157 on Aug 8, 2012 11:38:20 GMT -5
It probably seems this way because you don't have kids. Most kids need a pretty strict schedule so they don't go off the rails. I never insisted everyone else had to cater to DS's schedule, but I expected that they would understand if I had to bow out of certain planned activities so I could make sure DS had a meal or a nap on time or just a quiet place where he could have some calm time. I was never really anal about my kids schedules but damn, if I kept them up too late it got UGLY.
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raeoflyte
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Post by raeoflyte on Aug 8, 2012 11:48:01 GMT -5
I know you've gotten more advice than you were probably looking for, but I think I'd set up a time to have your mom watch ds and you and dh take your MIL out to dinner and the 3 of you talk about it together. Talk to dh before you go, and if needed have a discreet list so that you 2 get across what you need to.
I really like the idea of a house cleaning or lawn care service. The appreciation is there without direct payment.
Communication with my in-laws is SO difficult. I'm really not sure we all actually speak english. This thread has given me the idea to do conference calls with us, sil, and m/fil so that we at least all hear the exact same words. Not sure communication will improve, but I don't think it can hurt either.
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