Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:20:56 GMT -5
I want to choke the SHIT out of DH and his mother. For real.
On Saturday we had DS's first birthday party. The next day MIL calls DH over to talk to him. She unloads and says that she/they are feeling like they were unappreciated at the party and when she watches DS. Um, it's a kid's birthday party - it's not fucking about you!!!! And yes, she/her sister watches DS for free. I told DH that I wanted to pay her something, but he said she'd be insulted, so we don't. But I feel that these feelings of unappreciation are coming from the fact that they do too much for us, so I brought up daycare. DH - besides having his own issues with daycare - points out that we can't afford FT daycare (which is true right now). So I found a PT option (2 days/week) that is affordable for us. On Monday (DH was home sick, I was at work), DH told his mom that we're looking for PT options and asked if that would be helpful to her. Apparently she got extremely upset and implied that if she wasn't watching him FT then she wouldn't watch him at all.
First, why did this conversation happen without me present? Second, why was he in essence consulting his mother about care options for OUR son?! Third, I feel just so betrayed and alone. I told DH that this is a way to control us, that I couldn't give a rat's ass about how his mother likes it - this isn't healthy and I'm not going to be a party to it. He was silent the whole time. I am just SO furious, especially when I feel like there is nothing I can do. I want to punch things and cry.
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Bluerobin
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Post by Bluerobin on Aug 8, 2012 7:26:01 GMT -5
MJ, your DH has to make a choice very soon. DM or DW. Definitely time to cut the apron strings.
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 8, 2012 7:26:25 GMT -5
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zibazinski
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Post by zibazinski on Aug 8, 2012 7:26:57 GMT -5
You need a hug and sympathy. I hope I am never the evil MIL.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:27:40 GMT -5
I am sorry this situation has come to this. Time to sell some plasma or whatever it takes to get DS into FT daycare. You can't let this woman run roughshod over you and if DH can't see that it's exactly what she's doing then you will have to figure out a way by yourself. Put less money (or none) into savings for the time being...buy generic everything....whatever you have to do to get the $$ for daycare. We had a similar problem with my MIL and that is what we had to do. But let me tell you that 7 years later our relationship with her is MUCH better because neither party is beholden to the other. They see the kids when they want to and we are free to raise them as we see fit. Sure, we're behind on retirement savings, but our lives RIGHT NOW are better for it. Good luck and remember you always have people here to lend an ear when you need to vent.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:28:01 GMT -5
I'm sure this doesn't help quell the flames for NCG. Stay strong!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:28:30 GMT -5
That too!
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 8, 2012 7:30:28 GMT -5
This sounds like you and your DH are having communication issues. Perhaps some counciling would help you work through communicaition techniques?
Also perhaps paying MIL would be helpful, or doing something that's not cash payment, like IDK getting her a lawn service or a cleaning lady or something to help her out would be helpful and not offend her.
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skubikky
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Post by skubikky on Aug 8, 2012 7:33:44 GMT -5
I can understand your anger at your MIL for selfishness and attempting to manipulate. I'd bet that you could see this coming as I'm sure these personality traits have been evident before she began caring for your child. Having entered into a daycare setup where the provider isn't being paid, even if it is family, puts you in an awkward position. There "ain't no such thing as a free lunch" and this is the perfect example of that.
I don't really see that you should be going ballistic on your husband. He was communicating with his Mom information that was reasonable to share with her. He didn't make a decision about the situation except to talk to her. I really think you're over reacting. And acting quite immature about it. The upset is best left for your MIL, not in alienating your husband.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:34:48 GMT -5
By the way, I can relate. This sounds just like some of the conversations between my wife and I regarding my Mom.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 8, 2012 7:36:12 GMT -5
Oh Jen, I would kick his ass....and wow, MIL sounds like a freaking piece of work...she is using watching your son as a way to control the both of you. I'm with Beer, I would sell plasma (I used to get $200 a month so with two of you doing it you are looking at $400), eat beans and rice and tell her to kiss the fuck off.
I would have major issues if my husband didn't back me up to his mother...and I had major MIL issues!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:39:54 GMT -5
The reason I'm mad at DH is because I feel like he's really not even on my side. He likes things the way they are. And it looks like I'm the bad guy. I concede that I might be overreacting a bit, but I am just so physically sick from all of this. I feel defeated... how am I supposed to treat DH the way I want to if he is essentially being a party to all of this? I vowed never to get myself into a situation like this, and yet here I am.
Beer, I am going to look at doing those things or a part-time job... something...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:42:28 GMT -5
I really need a margarita in a Big Gulp right now.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 7:45:29 GMT -5
The reason I'm mad at DH is because I feel like he's really not even on my side. He likes things the way they are. And it looks like I'm the bad guy. I concede that I might be overreacting a bit, but I am just so physically sick from all of this. I feel defeated... how am I supposed to treat DH the way I want to if he is essentially being a party to all of this? I vowed never to get myself into a situation like this, and yet here I am. Beer, I am going to look at doing those things or a part-time job... something... Based on the cumulation of events that I know of from speaking ot you off the boards, I don't think you are overreacting. If this was one isolated incident, you are overreacting. Blue's right, your husband needs to pick, mommy or his wife.
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ginpin
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Post by ginpin on Aug 8, 2012 7:47:06 GMT -5
I know that daycare is pretty expensive. I got my twelve year old out of day care in April, and am loving the $300 savings a month. Do you have access to an FSA? At least it'd help you out pre-tax. I agree, the sooner you can do full time the better off for everyone.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 8, 2012 7:48:53 GMT -5
Jen, you are not overreacting...a husband and wife need to present a united front. You talked and came to an agreement and now he is caving because his mommy is having a fit. He needs to cut the cord and worry about making his wife happy.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:48:57 GMT -5
MJ, your DH has to make a choice very soon. DM or DW. Definitely time to cut the apron strings. if I have to ask him to make that choice, IMO I've already lost.
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Miss Tequila
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Post by Miss Tequila on Aug 8, 2012 7:49:25 GMT -5
Did swamp just say Blue was right?? First mid agreed with me and nwo this....maybe the Mayans WERE right
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:50:42 GMT -5
LMAO Tina! ;D
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:51:41 GMT -5
Jen I would really look into cutting expenses someplace else to get him into daycare. I had to do that when my oldest was really young and my mom was watching him on the weekends. She became unbearable and thought she could overrule me on things. You really need to sit down with DH and tell him this situation is making you physically ill.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:52:01 GMT -5
Jen, you are not overreacting...a husband and wife need to present a united front. You talked and came to an agreement and now he is caving because his mommy is having a fit. He needs to cut the cord and worry about making his wife happy. I don't see where MJ said that he caved in any decision they made together. He talked to his Mom about his kids. Doesn't seem the worst thing in the world to me, but I still have the apron strings fully intact so take it for what it is worth.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:59:40 GMT -5
LOL Arch!
And I wouldn't say you have "lost", Jen. He doesn't realize that she shouldn't be involved with HIS family decisions because she has always been involved with his decisions. I'll wager that DH thinks his relationship with his Mom is normal.
He needs to learn a new "normal" that doesn't involve her input.
ETA: Our current mantra with MIL is saying "thank you for your input "MIL" and then doing whatever we decide to do. It has worked wonders!
ETAA: But that was after we had the kids in daycare. You can't get that autonomy if she is the one caring for the kids day in and day out.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 7:59:48 GMT -5
These posts are dangerous. Why? Because you are guaranteed to get all kinds of backup and people pushing you to extreme decisions. Don't let the reinforcement push you to rash decisions.
This sounds to me like the classic MIL DIL tug of war with your husband in the middle. Asking him to choose sides is not the right answer. Everyone needs to adult-up a little and work out a compromise that benefits the child.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 8:01:02 GMT -5
Not when gramma is being a control freak.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 8:01:18 GMT -5
LOL Arch! And I wouldn't say you have "lost", Jen. He doesn't realize that she shouldn't be involved with HIS family decisions because she has always been involved with his decisions. I'll wager that DH thinks his relationship with his Mom is normal. He needs to learn a new "normal" that doesn't involve her.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:02:35 GMT -5
Not when gramma is being a control freak. Ah yes, you've heard side of the story. Can the Defense get their day in court before judgment?
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 8:03:28 GMT -5
Not when gramma is being a control freak. Ah yes, you've heard side of the story. Can the Defense get their day in court before judgment? actually, I've been hearing from her since the baby was born off the boards. Even if were to discount 1/2 of what she says exaggeration, gramma is a control freak.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:03:50 GMT -5
Asking a guy, especially an Italian guy who loves his mom, to not involve his mom is not a nice thing to ask him to do.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:04:01 GMT -5
Ah yes, you've heard side of the story. Can the Defense get their day in court before judgment? actually, I've been hearing from her since the baby was born off the boards. Even if were to discount 1/2 of what she says exaggeration, gramma is a control freak. Ah yes, you've heard side of the story. Can the Defense get their day in court before judgment?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 8:04:46 GMT -5
I highly doubt Jen is going to tell her MIL to create an account here.
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