Taxman10
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Post by Taxman10 on Aug 8, 2012 10:11:52 GMT -5
Carl, I really thought that she does more than enough - I could plan the party and they can enjoy it. Why is that concept so foreign? I am not from a crazy ass family so I guess I will never understand. I really don't get into party planning. I don't do themes, I don't give a rat's ass about decorations, and I don't knock myself out making "everything perfect" because there is no such thing as perfect. I want my guests to enjoy good food, good music, and good company. It wouldn't even occur to me to consult with my mom or my MIL on planning my kid's birthday party. So you're telling me that not everyone is exactly like you? Huh.... ;D
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Aug 8, 2012 10:12:49 GMT -5
I have to wonder what it would take to make her 'feel appreciated'. If it was something simple like a toast in her honor at the birthday party, or some kind of gift, that would be one thing. But if it entails her controlling every aspect of the party or your life, that would be something else. Do you have a clear picture of what this woman wants, or are you just guessing? And don't go by what your husband says. He's clearly not managing the situation well. What have you heard from the horse's mouth?
Hoops does have a point, Money. You have chosen to entangle yourself with this woman and are financially dependant on her. This means you need to figure out a way to work with her, at least until your daycare costs drop.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 10:14:35 GMT -5
Kind of hard to hear anything when MIL won't discuss anything of substance with Jen.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:15:18 GMT -5
I have to wonder what it would take to make her 'feel appreciated'. If it was something simple like a toast in her honor at the birthday party, or some kind of gift, that would be one thing. But if it entails her controlling every aspect of the party or your life, that would be something else. Do you have a clear picture of what this woman wants, or are you just guessing? And don't go by what your husband says. He's clearly not managing the situation well. What have you heard from the horse's mouth? Hoops does have a point, Money. You have chosen to entangle yourself with this woman and are financially dependant on her. This means you need to figure out a way to work with her, at least until your daycare costs drop. I have no idea what she wants. As I've stated already, she refuses to air any grievances with me so I am hearing this all secondhand from DH.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:15:53 GMT -5
Well, then you need to celebrate Festivus this year!
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CarolinaKat
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Post by CarolinaKat on Aug 8, 2012 10:16:22 GMT -5
I have to wonder what it would take to make her 'feel appreciated'. If it was something simple like a toast in her honor at the birthday party, or some kind of gift, that would be one thing. But if it entails her controlling every aspect of the party or your life, that would be something else. Do you have a clear picture of what this woman wants, or are you just guessing? And don't go by what your husband says. He's clearly not managing the situation well. What have you heard from the horse's mouth? Hoops does have a point, Money. You have chosen to entangle yourself with this woman and are financially dependant on her. This means you need to figure out a way to work with her, at least until your daycare costs drop. I have no idea what she wants. As I've stated already, she refuses to air any grievances with me so I am hearing this all secondhand from DH. That's rather immature of MIL
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Waffle
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Post by Waffle on Aug 8, 2012 10:17:08 GMT -5
Can you get past angry long enough to do something alone with your MIL? A weekend brunch, or lunch or manicures, whatever - just the two of you and try to have a conversation with her from an angle of you feel something has gone a miss in your relationship and you'd like want to fix it.
ETA: what kind of relationship did you have with her prior to your son being born? Did you two ever talk about anything meaningful? Or has she just never liked you and now you are stuck with someone who doesn't like you as your daycare provider?
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 8, 2012 10:17:47 GMT -5
::" I haven't been able to ask them ANYTHING because MIL refuses to allow me to be present when grievances are being aired. Info is supposed to just trickle from her to DH to me. I find that immature and unacceptable since things always get lost in translation. I can't defend myself or ask questions, so I have to rely on DH who obviously won't do as good a job as I will since they are his parents.And if watching him 5 days a week now is okay, how is watching him 3 days a week later so terrible? I really don't understand all the hoopla over it. It's LESS WORK! I was actually kind of raised with this kind of thinking. My Mom always said to my Dad "you handle the crazies on your side of the family and I will handle the ones in mine." I know my Mom would say things to me she would never say to DH. She has also said it is MUCH harder to deal with the DILs than the SILs. There is just so much more "stuff" invlolved than with the men. Personally if I was in your position I would talk to DH not about what has happened but about how it made me feel. He may be focused on the "problem" but not thinking about how his way of handeling it makes you feel. Then again my solution to family problems was to move six hours away so you probably want to take any advice I give with a huge grain of salt. ;D
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:20:47 GMT -5
Can you get past angry long enough to do something alone with your MIL? A weekend brunch, or lunch or manicures, whatever - just the two of you and try to have a conversation with her from an angle of you feel something has gone a miss in your relationship and you'd like want to fix it. ETA: what kind of relationship did you have with her prior to your son being born? Did you two ever talk about anything meaningful? Or has she just never liked you and now you are stuck with someone who doesn't like you as your daycare provider? we have always been cordial. I don't know if she has ever really liked me - after all, I took her precious baby away from her. Seriously though, she has a hard time with the fact that her kids are grown.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:25:06 GMT -5
Well, then you need to celebrate Festivus this year! since the whole "not being appreciated at the party" came from MIL and her mother, I am totally entertaining the possibility of bowing out of the next few family events. Just me, though. DH is free to go if he wants. They'd probably like that anyway. GIL makes me feel like DS and I just get in the way and it would be better if we weren't around. I felt that way when we went to Cape May and it really hurt.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Aug 8, 2012 10:25:50 GMT -5
MJ - I don't really have any advice but just wanted to give you some sympathy. A buffer zone is often a beautiful thing - 2 hr minimum...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:27:43 GMT -5
Well, then you need to celebrate Festivus this year! since the whole "not being appreciated at the party" came from MIL and her mother, I am totally entertaining the possibility of bowing out of the next few family events. Just me, though. DH is free to go if he wants. They'd probably like that anyway. GIL makes me feel like DS and I just get in the way and it would be better if we weren't around. I felt that way when we went to Cape May and it really hurt. Just don't become more of a passive aggressive expert than I am...
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:28:43 GMT -5
This is exactly why I have a two state minimum between me and my family. I love them, but it is so much easier to love them from a distance.
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 10:29:24 GMT -5
::not considering that we have a baby in tow: 1) insisting that we eat dinner later (7/7:30) at nice restaurants - he's a baby so he yells, grabs stuff, and doesn't sit still 2) insisting that we drive everywhere so that we have to get him packed and unpacked several times per day 3) activities they wanted to do were not baby friendly (going on a trolley tour, antiquing):: I dont' have kids, but I don't see much issue with these. wait until you do. Then you will realize how seemingly normal activities become a huge PITA. I was more leaning towards "I can understand your POV if the issue is something related to the baby. Sounds like your real issue though was it was just inconvenient for you guys because you have a kid. It's not like they chose to go speedboating or bungee jumping. I wouldn't consider "antiquing" to be so much of a pain that they shoudl have reconsidered.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:29:54 GMT -5
since the whole "not being appreciated at the party" came from MIL and her mother, I am totally entertaining the possibility of bowing out of the next few family events. Just me, though. DH is free to go if he wants. They'd probably like that anyway. GIL makes me feel like DS and I just get in the way and it would be better if we weren't around. I felt that way when we went to Cape May and it really hurt. But you have to take in how that would affect YOUR family (you, DS & DH). Sure YOU would feel better not going to those things, but would it make more trouble for your family? MIL and I had a falling out for just about a year. DH went to most of his family functions along during that time, but there was no getting out of Christmas, Thanksgiving and Easter so I went. It was a tad uncomfortable but there was just no way I couldn't be there for the big holidays.
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Spellbound454
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Post by Spellbound454 on Aug 8, 2012 10:30:50 GMT -5
I agree...You are both putting your husband and son in an impossible situation. Things run a lot smoother if you can air your grievances without getting angry. My MIL is very interferring.............yet we get along because we have to. On the occasions where he has discussed personal stuff with his mother.... he has been put straight....by me. ...and when she arrives with curtains she has picked for my living room.......I thank her for her interest then tell her that they are not really my style. We laugh about it actually....
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:31:13 GMT -5
wait until you do. Then you will realize how seemingly normal activities become a huge PITA. I was more leaning towards "I can understand your POV if the issue is something related to the baby. Sounds like your real issue though was it was just inconvenient for you guys because you have a kid. It's not like they chose to go speedboating or bungee jumping. I wouldn't consider "antiquing" to be so much of a pain that they shoudl have reconsidered. I'm not saying they shouldn't have done the things they did - I'm saying that they shouldn't be surprised when we are not as enthusiastic about doing it as we are, or if we decide to bow out. We still had meals with them though. Who needs to be doing everything together 24/7?
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 8, 2012 10:35:00 GMT -5
Carl, I really thought that she does more than enough - I could plan the party and they can enjoy it. Why is that concept so foreign? I am not from a crazy ass family so I guess I will never understand. Honestly my Mom would have been offended also. I always thought it was a Portuguese thing.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:35:39 GMT -5
Carl, I really thought that she does more than enough - I could plan the party and they can enjoy it. Why is that concept so foreign? I am not from a crazy ass family so I guess I will never understand. Honestly my Mom would have been offended also. I always thought it was a Portuguese thing. It is an Italian thing, too.
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 10:36:32 GMT -5
Honestly my Mom would have been offended also. I always thought it was a Portuguese thing. It is an Italian thing, too. thank god the redneck wasps with a touch of Native American don't give a shit.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:37:41 GMT -5
I was actually kind of raised with this kind of thinking. My Mom always said to my Dad "you handle the crazies on your side of the family and I will handle the ones in mine." We were both raised the same way and we do the same thing. She handles her crazies and I handle mine; I have never contacted anyone on her side of the family directly and same for me; I tell her and she tell/ask them and vice versa.
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 8, 2012 10:40:32 GMT -5
Honestly my Mom would have been offended also. I always thought it was a Portuguese thing. It is an Italian thing, too. Is he Italian? Ohhhh
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hoops902
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Post by hoops902 on Aug 8, 2012 10:40:45 GMT -5
I was more leaning towards "I can understand your POV if the issue is something related to the baby. Sounds like your real issue though was it was just inconvenient for you guys because you have a kid. It's not like they chose to go speedboating or bungee jumping. I wouldn't consider "antiquing" to be so much of a pain that they shoudl have reconsidered. I'm not saying they shouldn't have done the things they did - I'm saying that they shouldn't be surprised when we are not as enthusiastic about doing it as we are, or if we decide to bow out. We still had meals with them though. Who needs to be doing everything together 24/7? But then why go? It's only a weekend, if you can't spend a couple days doing stuff together then I don't see the point of going in the first place. You still had meals with them, but that's one of the things you're complaining about too. I think there's a rather large difference between bowing out because the baby NEEDS something, and bowing out because you just don't feel like participating in the family activity. Particularly that it's not just a random vacation where everyone's paying their own way. It's a birthday celebration that they're paying for (at least the hotel). If someone came to your kid's birthday party and said "I don't like kids, I think I'll just take my cake and go watch tv in your den, thanks". I think you'd have something to say about that. I realize it's a shorter time, but that's probably how they view that. It's easier to hide behind "Junior needed a nap" than "We just didn't want to be around you" or "Being around you would require us to exert effort for our baby, and you're just not worth that effort".
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mmhmm
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Post by mmhmm on Aug 8, 2012 10:40:45 GMT -5
Hmm. Let's see if I have this right ... you're getting MIL's words from DH and not directly because she won't discuss it directly with you? That's not a comfortable position in which to find oneself ... or, it wouldn't be for me. I like to get things from the horse's mouth, so to speak. Otherwise, what I get is bound to be slanted a bit, no matter how hard the teller tries not to slant it. My DIL comes from a family that interacts much as you tell us your DH's family interacts. They carry messages, and gossip, between them. Of course, inevitably, the defecation hits the air circulation system because nobody really talks to the right person! She had one heck of a time integrating into our family when she married my son. We're all pretty direct. If so-and-so says YOU said something, I'm going to bring it to you for clarification. To her, this seemed highly confrontative. Maybe it is, but we don't have many misunderstandings.
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formerroomate99
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Post by formerroomate99 on Aug 8, 2012 10:40:58 GMT -5
Money, you're just going to have to find a way to corner your MIL and find out what on earth this woman is thinking. And frankly, you need to start this conversation by thanking her for all she does and apologizing for whatever way you've offended her. Tell her that you want to hear her opinion, because 'playing telephone' with your husband is clearly not working. (I know it's not your fault that you might have done the wrong thing due to your husband's miscommunications, but this will make things go easier.)
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973beachbum
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Post by 973beachbum on Aug 8, 2012 10:42:15 GMT -5
It is an Italian thing, too. thank god the redneck wasps with a touch of Native American don't give a shit. For the record DH's family are redneck's from PA with a touch of Native American and they are just as bad as this if not worse.
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movingforward
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Post by movingforward on Aug 8, 2012 10:43:13 GMT -5
"thank god the redneck wasps with a touch of Native American don't give a shit." we don't get stressed out over parties in my family. It is just eat, drink and be merry and if you are not merry then take a hike because we don't want you around
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swamp
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Post by swamp on Aug 8, 2012 10:44:57 GMT -5
But if you're a drunken idiot or going ot have a drama queen meltdown, stick around so we can make fun of you.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:44:59 GMT -5
Or drink more
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Post by Deleted on Aug 8, 2012 10:48:37 GMT -5
It is an Italian thing, too. Is he Italian? Ohhhh no, Arch is Italian. DH is half Lebanese and half European. It's the WASP side that is crazy. The Lebanese side is crazy too, but in that they are actually crazy.
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